Bon Voyage!

I leave for France tomorrow! I am so excited I can not wait! I have a few days in Paris and then off to the South of France. I will take lots of pics. I also get to meet up with a high school friend in Paris. Even better she is being gracious enough to pick me up from my mom's apartment. I have a very rough working knowledge of Paris. I certainly would not trust myself to meet someone. It would probably end in tears. My goals are to relax, detach from New York, enjoy my mom's company, keep my food journal, take photos, write, swim, sleep, bike, and most importantly stay present and just enjoy. 

When I get back I have an appointment with a new therapist who does a mix of art and talk therapy. I am pretty intrigued. I feel sort of relieved to be able to go away knowing I am coming back to working towards solutions. It made me feel better about the fact that my jeans were so tight this morning they were on the verge of unwearable. This is after I spilt a pair of jeans on Monday morning post washing and drying which is what I blamed the split on. Not my finest moment but a really good accountability check. 

I do not want to restrict or deprive myself while in France, but I also in no way want to take a food vacation. I am struggling to check in and remain present and I want to work on this while away from some of my day to day stresses. I hope this will let me reconnect with eating mindfully. While France is known for wine, cheese, pastry and chocolate, it also has fantastic produce, organic markets, and very much centers around eating whole foods seasonally and locally. There is a lot of balance so it's a good place to be going I think. Provided I can stay away from the patisserie. 

I should also mention

It's like being a mermaid in a wrap. 

The amazing wrap my mom got me for my bday. I barely buy scarves or wraps because my mom is seriously the undefeated queen/champion of both picking and wearing them. Until she started gifting me scarves I really did not get the point besides warmth. Now my absolute favorites are mom gifts. They are soft, and beautiful and I get to channel her effortless scarf ease. Anyway here is a picture of it. It's sea foam colored, dries van noten which I could NEVER afford but regularly lust after, ANNNNDDDD has sequins. Life does not get better. She suggested I take it on the plan to France Thursday but planes are dirty places and it deserves a much more fabu maiden voyage.

Weekend Round Up

Birthday-palooza has come and gone and what a fantastic time it was. Thursday night after being taken out to lunch by my mom and crying my way through it, I went out with my co-workers and friends and had a truly great time. I guess I should talk for a second about the crying before I get to the fun stuff. 

I have no idea what it's really about. I have some guesses. What it boils down to in my guessing is you can only outrun yourself and past for so long. I think I have resolved things just to encounter a new phase of them. Despite my wanting a relationship I am completely, totally, and utterly terrified of one. I also finally acknowledged I fundamentally do not believe someone will ever truly accept me. I know intellectually that is not true, but my personal history has not shown that. More then anything I want to let go of the past, and learn how to move into the present without the ghosts interrupting and discounting what I am trying to learn and move forward with the knowledge of. I am toying with the idea of returning to therapy because I think some of the work I need to do is not really within my grasp to do alone. I have avoided it for months but a lot of what I am struggling with has so much less to do with food, and weight and so much more to do with letting go. I feel until I can let go, and move on I can not move forward and I do not know how to do that. I do know staying in this place will take me down further because I will start to feel worse and worse so better to get some help and direction then stumble along wanting anything and everything to be THE solution. It so rarely is. 

I am burnt out for realz. I am burnt out on my life, my work, and everything that comes with it. I think I need a vacation real bad. I also think that being burnt out makes it hard for me to get to the bottom of what is actually wrong with me. I do not feel unhappy per se. I just feel stuck. I feel incredibly stuck and apathetic. Not so good. I do not want to feel that way and feel like for the past few months I have put it down to this or that and while I think these things are a factor they are not the whole shebang. My mind obviously impacts my relationship with food and there has been some fall out. I am not really moving forward. I am sort of always teetering between healthy and what can I get away with. This is not mindful. It's trying to eat emotionally with less of a weight gain impact. I need to acknowledge this to address it and I have not been. The alcohol is not helping matters either. It's not particularly healthy and I have a hard time finding balance with it. I am constantly afraid of gaining weight and I know it's not because of irrational fears but because of my behavior and that makes me feel worse. 

All of that being said, great timing for a birthday! I actually needed the boost. We went out Thursday night and my co-workers are also great friends of mine so it was a delightful time. I mean we spend a ridiculous amount of time together so it transcends the usual work boundaries. We had a lot of fun and were at the Ace Hotel which I highly recommend if you're in NYC, because besides being a great place to hang you can also order food from Breslin which is a toughie to get in to. We had Breslin burgers which were one of the nomiest burgers I've had in a while. Then we went downtown where I was treated a few dances with a smokin' hot rugby player. I got to see people I had not seen in a while, hang with people I feel lucky to work with and go out with. Overall a great time. Friday I was hurting but not dying. I crawled into work at 10:45 am not too shabby considering my head did not touch the pillow until after 3am. The not so fun part about Friday our AC was not really working and it was the hottest day on record since I don't remember but a very long time. I had dinner with my mom and brother and told my brother he would be able to spot me in the back as the hung over sweaty girl. That's me, always keeping it classy. 

Saturday I went out with friends and it was good again to see some I had not seen in a while. Many friends had to beg off for a variety of reasons and I was so much less bothered by it then I would have thought. I think having had the epic Thursday birthday night I just did not care so much. I had a great birthday but at this point I was a little birthday'ed out. My friend Katie though did was she is great at and made the night special. She surprised me with a thoughtful gift of a Tocca candle which I love and cake! I was also touched by those who came because the place I choice was a little off the beaten path, sorry Brooklyners. As for the cake it was not just any cake, but a giant cupcake cake! This brought my bday gluttony to....a bacon cheeseburger, a lot of vodka sodas, cheescake brownies, a pork cutlet fried sandwich, peach pie, a brownie cupcake from Crumbs and now cupcake cake from Crumbs. I would bleed buttercream I think at this point. I feel grosser just listing it, this is the downside to accountability. I was given the remaining cake to take home and at 3am made the decision after a few forkfuls of icing it had to go. I walked out into my hallway in my nightgown at 3:30am in the morning to throw it out. I did not care if I was being noisy or found braless in a nightgown outside my apartment by my neighbors. It had to go. What's worse eating a ton in the middle of the night or another slice each day for a few days? I had to cut the calorie damage. 

The party is literally over and maybe the cobwebs are clearing from my mind a little. I need to cut the mindless eating, and the emotional from feeling out of control. I can not control my life, but I can control my food and my choices. I also it would appear can throw cake out in the middle of the night in a nightgown. Who knew? 

Amazing giant cupcake cake! 

A Reminder in Expectations

Today is my birthday. This time last year I was partying it up in Fire Island and having an epic adventure. I knew this year there was no point in trying to match it and there was no need.This year I'm at work, it's 9000 degrees outside and I've been a little blue lately. I woke up this morning to 8 text messages, 37 Facebook BD wishes, voicemails, and emails. Amazing, and the wishes keep rolling in. I knew this year I did not want to do much but to do nothing would have been a mistake. I am having lunch with my mom today and this is super cool because I never get to be with my family on my birthday. Tonight co-workers, friends and I are going out, and Saturday night a drop in with friends. One of my newer friends is driving 2 hours to make it to our post work soiree. Again, amazing. Having little expectations and just going with it is making this a lovely day. I got flowers that look like my dog, one of my co-workers made me a poster of a photo of his that gives me the giggles, and there was a cupcake on my desk when I came in. Somehow I had a normal breakfast and not the cupcake. I might just be maturing after all.

Custom poster. Lovesit. 

Dumplin' as represented in the flower arts. 

Blog Lovin'

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Sort of a Weird Compliment

My blog's stats are some of the more pleasurable stats in my life. They generally are pretty cool and entertaining. Learning what countries read it, what links link back to it, and so on. Everyone once and a while a sort of odd url will pop up that I do not have an obvious connection to. This happened to me recently.

I had noticed childhood obesity news had been linking back to me. At first I did not see what it was and then today a new link popped up. They referenced my blog amongst others in their guide to social networking and obesity which is a multipart series. Seems cool right? Well it's sort of weird because it's written like a review of my blog and I guess putting it out there I have to be prepared for that. The article also starts with, " All over the Web, people are sharing thoughts and emotions  about their unhealthful and unnatural relationship with food, and especially their realization that food addiction is real. Unfortunately, many of these confessions are long on what the afflicted are “trying” and short on any revelations about what actually works." I do not really agree with that statement at all, I also find the trying in quotes a little suspect. I think generally the blogs out there are big on the trying because THERE IS NO ONE ANSWER. That's the big secret. There is no magical pill, diet, revelation, any of it. There is help, resources, techniques to try, and behavior modifications which have to happen but there is no answer. What actually works is doing it for yourself, and having the strength to keep pushing to define what that is. For some it's calorie cycling, interval work out routines, or weight watchers. For others, it's a nutritionist, intuitive eating, and reprogramming your brain. There is no one answer and what works for everyone is different. I found it sort of odd someone trying to be a resource did not think about that or approach it from a a variety of blogs give you a variety of options to try or think about. I read a lot of blogs for that reason. Not everything works or is right for me but I learn and I am challenged by it.

As for how they found my own blog I am also a little puzzled by their take on my own blog. This sort of threw me off, " It’s kind of difficult to pick up on what FFA is actually doing without sifting through dozens of blog entries, but we do pick up hints here and there. She works out regularly at a gym with a trainer." I think what I intentionally set out for my blog to be is part of what puzzles them. I never set out to list what I ate, my stats, weight, work outs, measurements all of that. I do not do that for a very conscious reason. It's not the point it's part of it. The point is the weight is the symptom not the problem and I wanted to be freed of being obsessed with it. I wanted to reclaim who I am and my body and that does not really pertain to listing what I'm doing. I offer a place to share what I have learned, and commiserate with others going through something similar, but it's for all of us to find what works for us long term. I was sort of saddened by what was taken away. I felt like so much of what I have accomplished and discussed was totally missed and in my opinion it's what has connected me with more people and maybe been able to help or serve as more of a resource. I think my blog serves a purpose because it's true to life and supports my mission statement of resolving never to diet. Life is not a diet, it's good days, bad days, and learning to manage. There are no easy answers, solutions, or quick fixes, but should you find one make sure to link back to it. Your stats would go nutso.



Article:


http://childhoodobesitynews.com/2011/07/18/social-networking-and-obesity-part-5/

Bikini Challenge Results

I knew when I entered Josie's challenge over at yumyucky.com the end result would not be a bikini...for many reasons. I am better at not putting ridiculously extreme short terms goals on myself and this was a 4 month challenge with a great message. It was about feeling more confident in a bathing suit and overall transformation, not pounds lost. I learned a lot more during this challenge then I had counted on. What did I learn? See below...

1. Challenges will not motivate you when you are struggling with motivation. You have to do it for you and continue to do it for you. Bummer I really thought a challenge would help me escape that when I was really bored with weight loss.

2. It was cool to actually sign up and do something publicly and be held accountable for it. I tend to stay in the challenge closet.

3. Life does not care you have results to report on July 1st. I had bad weeks, illness, stress, and a whole lot more thrown at me. I would get upset and then remember that's what life is. Some weeks are good, some are great, and others are a suckfest.

4. I really do like exercise. I do not need a challenge to do cardio, which is cool. I do however need the push with strength training. I like strength training but hate doing it alone. It was helpful to remind myself I do want to transform my body and strength training is what will do that. Cardio will help you lose fat but strength training will change your shape.

5. Losing weight or transforming your shape is not magic. It takes planning, hard work and dedication. I was not awesome at planning, and my dedication wavered. I took it for granted I could just kick up what I was doing a little and reap these magical rewards. Not so much. Seeing what I did accomplish in four months was cool but sobering. I do not think my results are all that great for a 4 month period and I am accountable for that.

As for the results. I did not lose as much or transform as much as I wanted to but I also did not do enough work to have miraculous results. I kept it as I have this whole time slow and steady. When I stray from that I go real crazy real quick. I get hung up on seeking perfection, seeing imperfections, unhealthy expectations, and extremes. I am achieving my results far slower then I would like, but I am doing it in a far healthier mindset then quicker would be for me. It's tough to stay focused on that and know what I want and what I need are not the same things. I need to do what keeps me balanced despite wanting to be somewhere else. I also did not know this challenge would coincide with me really dipping in weight loss and exercise steam. I am definitely in a slump and have to really spend some time examining that. Slow and steady is great, but half hearted is not and where is that line for me? Not sure just yet. Overall I lost 11 inches my body, and I gained muscle in my arms. My triceps are finally firming up which is so exciting. I did not take traditional before and after pictures because 1. it's harder then you would think, and 2. it makes me a little squirmy like I will meltdown at what I see. I did however take a full body photo of myself which I do not think I have done in a decade.

Before in Feb 2011

After July 2011