Nope. Do not want.

I had a whole idea of how last week was supposed to go. I was headed out to Portland, Oregon for my first solo mission. I had re-arranged my work out schedule, done my laundry and thought I was headed in the right direction. Nope, not at all how it all played out. 

Tuesday night while working out with my temporary trainer while Jesse's away I tore my right calf muscle. Badly. I couldn't walk Tuesday or Wednesday, was on crutches for a few days and then graduated to a cane. Annoying. The whole thing has been annoying. I was really lucky, the airline credited my flight, hotel cancelled without charging me, Create + Cultivate what I was attending put that towards the event they are throwing in Brooklyn. I basically came out as ahead as I could be for having to cancel a trip the day before it. 

The worst part was being immobilized. I felt so incredibly vulnerable and frustrated. I couldn't do anything besides be patient and just let this run it's course. I totally ate some self pity feelings Wednesday in the form of salted dark chocolate. I felt so defeated and powerless, and like there's nothing I can do wahhh. Thursday I started to turn that thinking around, I can rest, do exercises that are considered pre-hab, eat well to fuel healing, and not make it worse by pushing myself. There's no miracle cure or magic bullet. It's also not my fault, or because of my weight or going to make me fat. I have to remind myself of these things. I am out of commission for at least 2-3 weeks. When I can stretch without pain I can start light activity. 

Almost a week later I've watched the whole series of Orange is the New Black, and highly recommend it. I watched more Arrested Development and still feel undecided about it. My brother offered to send pot to my house to "help" I declined. I ate hot dogs because they are delicious but then prepared a quinoa salad for Sunday dinner as amino acids are my friends right now. I rode the wave, I wanted to burst into tears a few times, but really having to lay around and heal and take percocet is really not the worst fate. It's hard to just sit and and be and take care of yourself but really it's pretty nice. I soaked in the tub last night, and then coated myself head to toe in coconut oil which in retrospect maybe wasn't the wisest idea for someone who's balance is compromised, and then ate a tasty dinner I had made with whole foods, and watched True Blood. Saturday I slept 15 hours, I think I was tired. Today my walking is pretty pretty good, I made everyone check me out in the office like a toddler. I get only occasional muscle spasms and feeling I am being electrocuted every once and a while instead of every few minutes. It's healing, I just have to be patient and let it do it's thing. 

All this being said, instead of pouring one out for my homey right calf, please stretch yours. Don't be like me, I am only half kidding about this. Tight calves are no joke apparently. 

I will drink all of these if I can walk normal tomorrow. 

If You Wanna Think Differently...Then Act Differently.

I hate when people say,"Get over it." I think there are few phrases more dismissive then that. I'm pretty aware that fear is not rational and that feelings are not rational and usually if given a choice I would get over it thank you very much. There are some times though when really you do need to take some steps to get over it.

I've been reading a lot of blogs lately centered around ladies who take fashion risks. They wear crazy colored tights, jumpsuits, short shorts, things that I am like oh nooooooo, not for me. Why not? I mean sure some things are best left unseen but there is no real reason I should not be wearing things I want to. I mean these women are no different then I am. I adopt this well they're far braver then I, I could NEVER do that, or her legs are waaaaaay skinnier then mine. Um...No. Why couldn't I? Because I don't have the exact body I want? Because I am not a size whatever? Why? This is a case when really the answer is to get over it. Actually not just to get over it but maybe a more emphatic get the f**k over it. Wear what you want, be who you want regardless of what you look like. You know how you believe and do this more? It's not by magic or the a visit from the Fearless Fairy at night, it's by actually doing it. Ugh, hate when there's no shortcut but such is life.

I really am not a fan of the it's okay for her but not for me attitude. There's no difference between us. Okay maybe someone has a great set of legs they should be dressing to accentuate and someone else has a killer rack but the idea of caring less what others think and more what you like is the same. No one is above or below that. What I really love about some of these ladies is not that they're wearing clothes that a lady of a certain size shouldn't, they are being themselves. They are expressing who they are with what they wear and accepting their bodies, taking risks. Daring to put themselves out there. It's pretty awesome. It's a awesome way of life, and makes for some really stunning outfits.

It's been really positive and influential for me seeing this. Reading what inspires these ladies, what their influences are and how it translates into an outfit. I'm similar. I dress thematically usually. I have an end goal or a place it go inspired from but so often I hold myself back. Lately nope. Short hair, don't care. Sleeveless dresses, ridiculous nail art, skimpy shirts, it's all been fair game to explore and been a lot of fun. More importantly I'm getting over it.

If you have to turn 33, you do so in a ridiculous dress on a chaise lounge. 

I REALLY have a serious girl crush on some of these ladies:

http://www.thefatgirlsguide.com/

http://www.stylepluscurves.com/

http://www.nearsightedowl.com/

http://www.ecarolinewalters.com/

http://kittycatstevens.blogspot.com/

http://fromthereztothecity.blogspot.com/

Cookies & Power

I think of energy as a finite resource. It helps me be more considering of where I use it and when to just drop something. Sure, I could get really worked up about the lady who just stole my cab or I can remember there will be another and save my energy. Something I do not think a lot about is power.

I've been seeing a new nutritionist. A quick recap, Marisa went away on maternity leave, and I started seeing Stephanie. Then Stephanie's husband got transferred so now I am seeing Lindsay. I get around. Lindsay is really cool and I like her. She is very smart and making me see behaviors I am so used to and resigned to differently. I also think having some fresh eyes and ears on old problems is very helpful.

All that being said, she had noticed in my food journal that I had been obsessing over a cookie. Yes, a cookie. A very specific cookie. A delicious amazing s'mores cookie. She also had flagged and pointed out that a lot of my behavior was still very restrictive and my inner dialogue critical and judgmental. No argument there. It's a constant dialogue of keeping myself on the rails. She explained though that with the restriction and the negative dialogue I was giving away my power. She explained I was giving the cookie all the power. I tell you want will stop you for a second and make you listen someone telling you a cookie has all the power. I was removing permission. She emphasized I can have a cookie whenever I want. I have easy access to it, I can allow for it in my daily intake, and I am allowed to have a cookie. A cookie is not bad, wrong, or against myself. It's a cookie. She made me buy a cookie when I did not want it and carry it around in my bag to have it available when I did want it. I was like ohhhh helllll nooooo. I am going to last three seconds, or have constant cookie chatter in my brain, or make it a test of the cookie wills. She said it's an experiment just try to have it when you want it. When your brain fires just ask do you want it. When you want the cookie have it.

This amazingly worked. Thinking of things in terms of permission and power has been really helpful for me. I remind myself I can have whatever I want whenever I want so the question is do I want it? The question is not will it make me fat, or will I think I am gross after.

Thinking about power makes me cringe a little. I do not know why. It just seems so cheesy and overblown a thought, but it's an important one, because I know feeling powerless makes me feel bad. It also is a time when I am very capable of wrecking myself. Finding the flipside of the powerless in being powerful helps set myself up for being more mindful of both emotions and scenarios.

What I really continue to enjoy about the nutritional care I receive is it's never just about food. It always relates back to my life because food is the metaphor. I let the silliest things have power over me like sleeveless dresses. I mean I had my excess skin cut off of my arms and still hesitate to go sleeveless. That is literally one of the dumbest things. What am I waiting for? Bionic arms? This week I made myself eat an ice cream cone in a sleeveless dress because it's hot, and my arms are just fine and ice cream is delicious. My friend James said you look quite smart in that dress. It made me laugh because I do like the dress very much and feel good in it, but I felt smart for realizing the time to do things is now not when your arms are more toned, or to eat the cookie in 3 days because you might be 3 days thinner, it's whenever you decide you want it.

But How?

I find myself asking how a lot. I know what I want to learn or do, what I don't know is how. I was getting my therapy on, and Christina said something that I thought was brilliant and worth sharing. In fact I busted out my phone to make sure I recorded it exactly how she said it. Drumroll... "Self-esteem is built through mastery of skill." Very simple statement, but a lot of truth in it.

Lately I have been holding myself more accountable for what happens to me. Seems obvious, but I think often we get caught up in reacting. We also get caught up in figuring out and questioning other people's reasons and motives. They don't really matter. What matters is not making someone else's nonsense make you feel bad about yourself. This is something I think I have to improve on. I say if I was thinner, prettier, smart they wouldn't treat me that way. I take other people's thoughtless actions as a way to hold on to my own negative self beliefs. I'm like see, you're silly to think you're awesome, if you were awesome this wouldn't happen. That's total crap and a good way to keep yourself safe. Keep yourself near what you know and safe from the disappointment and risk of looking for more. Asking for more will get me more, and help me believe I deserve more, not just sticking with what I know.

I did this recently with a friend. His behavior had not been awful but another friend put it into perspective for me when he said but do you want to be that girl. I really didn't. I did not want to be "that girl" and I realized but acting like I was okay with the behavior, and not speaking up and just reacting I was being "that girl." This is platonic sleepover man. He is ridiculously hot. I mean stupid hot but you know what he wasn't offering me anything and sleeping over was not making me feel good. The first time I was like what is this, the second time um okay don't rock the boat go with it. I realized afterwards though that his behavior was tapping into some old wounds for me. Him not making a move, but wanting comfort from me was making me feel like I wasn't good enough, and all I had to offer was being the fat girl who was safe for comfort but not good for anything else. So not good. What was also a big thunderbolt to my brain was realizing he wasn't doing this, I was. I was going along with things because he is my friend who I adore and super hot. Who was I to refuse him? I'm lucky. Um...that is total and complete utter crap. I may not be the thinnest girl, but I am attractive, interesting, funny and have a lot to offer and someone who doesn't see it should not be in my bed. The way you get that person in your bed is throwing the snuggler out.

When he tried to initiate sleep over number three I told him this isn't working for me and he listened and we had a chat and I felt about a bajillion times better. He said something interesting to me, " I adore you, and I love how I feel when I'm with you." Well that's great and all but what I would really like is someone to not like how they feel with me, but feel that way also about me. Being clear in what you want is scary. People may not like it, you may feel uncomfortable but it's a lot better then having a case of the icks. Accepting the little he was offering and acting like I should be pleased was not serving me at all. That's the sort of stuff that keeps me where I am and not getting what I want. I am way better then feeing blessed and flattered by very little.

If I feed the insecurities I have I just make them bigger. I do not dissipate them and let them have less hold and grip in my life. If I play a role in reinforcing negative thoughts, accepting less then I deserve, and keeping myself in the past then I cannot be surprised I stay stuck where I am. I cannot control a lot of things but I can control how I think, and I can control being the first line of defense in asking what I want.

It never ceases to amaze me how these big things that feel so mysterious and elusive are really not. They are skills, habits, and a lot less mysterious then they seem to be. Self esteem, and thinking you deserve more is not something that just happens overnight. It is not based on your weight, your looks, your job, whatever your hang up or thing may be. It is based on building your inner skills to not be afraid to ask for what you and challenging yourself to see that no matter what that "thing" is that you say means you deserve less that you're wrong. You deserve whatever you want and provided it doesn't hurt anyone else and you're not going to be a total ass about achieving it nothing should stand in your way and you should be the first to say it.

Werrk & Work

Man it's been a minute now hasn't it? Sorry for my absence. I've been super busy at work and at life. Summer just seems to be lazy and incredibly busy at the same time. I am a little spent so a hot list below!

1. I am really pushing myself towards intuitive eating and so far so good. Weight is down, freak outs are minimal. I am also enjoying my food a lot more, and feeling less guilt. So far so good. 

2. I went to the ballet last Friday. Elba had never been to the ballet before so it was double magic. 

Can you handle Elba's shoes? I can't. 

3. I am putting together a group of my friends to hopefully write and work together. It freaks me out a little but it's a step closer to what I want to be doing. Yay! I also signed up for a class. Makes me a lil squirmy but such is life. 

4. My runner's knee seems to be healing. Anyone got any advice or experience with this? I want to get back to running, but I don't want my knees to hate me. Le sigh. 

5. I am obsessed with my cheapie sunglasses I bought. 

Ahhh! Shapes on my face! 

6.  I read this and have yet to stop thinking about it. I chase a lot of people I am an option for not a priority and I think it consistently gets in the way of me moving forward. Petit epiphany. 

7. This guy I had been going back and forth with for months on the interwebz popped back up. He seems cool so I agreed to a drink and gave him my number. One step away from the BS fellas, one step towards the nice ones. I have of course not heard from him yet. Ugh. 

8. I am OBSESSED with nail art. Got a Calgel glitter gradient mani over the weekend. Planning my next one. My friend Aurora and I drank wine, and ate beet and gorgonzola risotto balls while we looked at nail art photos planning our next ones. We are 15. 

Sparkly nubbins' 

Thinking something like this next time. 

9. I cannot stop eating the Hebrew National 97% fat free hot dogs. I have them for dinner with really fancy side salads. Makes me laugh. I also cannot stop drinking Moscow Mules. Ginger beer, lime & vodka what a refreshing revelation. 

10. I am obsessed with this little girl's dance moves, it's so wrong and so right all at the same time. 

She's my summer dance inspiration. 

Don't Let It

Lately I have struggled with insomnia and increased anxiety. I can take a guess at where some of it's coming from. I have two particular people in my life who I love/hate their advice. When I say I'm scared, they both say don't be, when I say ehh I 'm not sure about x, they say do it. They don't know one another but it never ceases to amaze me how boundless and enthusiastic their attitude towards life is. It also frustrates the bejesus out of me that their stripped down simplified way of viewing things is pretty spot on. Usually I think we hem and haw about things because we just don't like the truth or the answer. 

Lately I feel daunted. I feel like I am not going where I want to go and I feel more scared to direct myself where I need to be. I feel like a boldness I had before is no longer with me. I wonder if the boldness was ever really me. Lately I think a lot about being mindful. Eating mindfully, and living mindfully. Trying to be in the present and make decisions without judgement or thoughts of others. It's hard yo. It also grounds you in a way that I don't think I really have been before. I think a lot of the boldness I had before wasn't really legit. It might have had some good results on occasion but really it was a way of not dealing with feelings I had. I would fake it until I felt it. It makes it tricky now to know how to move forward. Old boldness out, so what's in? I dunno, but I do have try to make some moves because once I am doing something I am usually okay with it and the anxiety dissipates. It's the lead up that does my head in and makes me have the stress sweats. Not a good look. 

So what did I do, or what am I doing? Well I saw my doctor on this week who is AWESOME and she gave me a prescription for some sleepy times. I was hesitant to do this, like what if she thinks I am a degenerate, or I bet tomorrow I'll be better, but then I thought no I am not sleeping and it's not getting better I am going to ask for some help. She gave me 10 pills and made me feel a lot better. She's like I bet your anxiety is getting a little out of control it's what happens when your sleep is disturbed. I have had 2 solid night's sleep and do feel a lot better and a decrease in the free floating anxiety. 

 I also signed up for this, which I am SUPER excited about. A friend of mine was going with me but had to back out today. I think I am going to challenge myself to go it alone. Have a solo adventure. I also reached out to another friend about working together, and we had a lovely glass of wine and swapped ideas and feelings of being stuck in our careers. It made me feel about a thousand times better. A friend I don't know that well but have a "feeling" about I reached out to about collaborating. I just think he and I are supposed to work together. I have no idea why, but you know what instead of judging or defending it I am just going for it. 

You know when nature is about to get crazy and all the animals are upset or restless? I wonder in some ways if a life storm is coming my way and my subconscious is like LOOK ALIVE LADY. I can't know right now, but I can reassure myself one step in front of the other every is going to be okay. It usually is, and if it isn't what am I going to do about it? Can't stop it, can't prevent it, and I can't stay here so I need to make some moves and see what happens. 

The Latest in Cardio

I could try to explain how much I love this woman and this video but nope. No words suffice or do it justice. Anyone who will prance their way to health has pranced their way into my heart.