Dear Junk Food

We have to break up. It's been a long affair but I know you are just no good for me. I have been off processed food now for some time. Several months, and I hate to admit but I feel better. Food does taste better, fruit sweeter, and even sugar. I quit using splenda and I have been amazed at how much sweeter things taste to me now. I gave up desserts recently, and now wine tastes like liquid cake. Pretty amazing really. I still have a hankering for junk on occasion but now that I have stayed away from it for months it is so much easier to not fall back into the cycle of having it, wanting more of it, and so on. Below are my reasons why I now no longer eat processed food, not because I know I shouldn't but because I do not want to. Progress!

1. This is vain, but so be it, my skin looks infinitely better when not eating processed food. I also have more energy.

2. Fruits and vegetables taste much better then cleaner you are eating.

3. Natural/Cleaner foods are more nutritionally dense and I stay fuller longer, yippee! Love me some nutritionally dense foods.

4. Natural sugars taste way sweeter without artificial sweeteners, and hyper sweetness of refined sugar. Seriously drink your coffee, tea or what have you without any sweetener in it for one week and then add (1) sugar in the raw packet to it, guarantee it will still taste sweet to you.

5. Reduced headaches, not everyone has headaches, I do and they are better without the junk, same with my allergies.

6. Cravings way more regulated. If I crave sweet fruit, yogurt, and other options way more viable, your body does not actually want candy. Candy is just manufactured to make your body want it. Most food producers are jerks. They do not have your hips best interests at heart.

Boring Legal-ese

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New Season New Changes

Earlier this week I wrote about some changes going on in my life. Well this has continued. It looks like my time in the food addict closet has come to an end. I am going to start video blogging for a website weekly. I am really nervous about this but super excited so we'll see what happens. I hope to be able to share a little of my experience and the information I have found beneficial and useful along the way in a way that others find it accessible as well. Best you can hope for really.

So Much Things to Say Right Now

I am going to attempt to focus my thoughts because it's been a whole since I wrote. Lots going on. New trainer, new goals, new lessons, and new challenges. I am actually learning and redefining what my hunger/fullness is.

This would be a lot easier if my history did not both include restriction and binging. This really monkeys with your sense of true hunger. I do not always know. What I learned recently strengthening these skills is I panic when hungry. I had tried to deny my appetite for so long and then in the recovery process giving myself permission I went way to far. The second I sensed hunger I responded. I am working on this and enjoying the process of learning rather then beating myself up over it. I am a little over the beating up and way more on board with learning and patience. This is a lovely feeling and it is helping me learn more.

Another new development is I am not eating sweets. I am still eating sugar, mostly naturally occurring but no desserts. I have not been 100% on the ball. I have had 3 desserts in 2 weeks which I will take. I was having dessert 1-2 times per day. This ranged from 1 square of dark chocolate to a full blown dessert experience. It was tough at first and still is now, but I see how much more this is a habit then it is an addiction. I am not addicted to dessert like I thought, nor is a cute thing about my personality I feel the need to cling to. I don't need to like sweets to be me. It's been really cool to see myself be open to moving past a habit.

I am continuing to work on my confidence and keep putting myself out there. Out where I don't know but I have been taking classes I always wanted to take, doing things at the gym I thought were beyond me and yes continuing to date. It's still somewhat scary but it gets easier learning to think positive before negative. I literally tell myself to shut up when I got into the icky negative place.

Work has continued to be stressful but I have been doing pretty well at not eating my feelings. Addressing my hunger fullness cues has significantly helped with this because in trying to define how hungry I am I have to look at why I might be. I still eat out of boredom more then I would care to. It's one for the list of things to stay aware of and to have continued patience at addressing.

This week I was 2.5 pounds down which after a few weeks of no losing was a welcomed changed. I was pretty on my game last week, but still had some indulgences so it was cool to really feel like I was living a sustainable lifestyle. I also made a video for a friend in taking a leap of putting my story out there. If only everyone who struggled with their weight knew that there are ways to go about it that don't involve denial and not accepting who you are but embracing and modifying it. It helps keep me committed to living the lifestyle I want to in order to make others aware. I am grateful for that.

I will not fall prey to stress I will not

Week two of the project which threatens to throw me off the eating rails. I did better this week, more checked in and aware but not as well as I would like to have done. Such is life. I am trying to not to dwell on it and beat myself up over it, but not to the point that I am ignoring the behavior. Its a tough balance truthfully. It's in my nature to examine my behavior, but it's hard when the behavior is not something you can entirely trust yourself to be honest about. Am I really checking in and processing what I am feeling or am I hiding behind old habits and patterns? I just do not really know. What I do know is this, I am traveling for business next week. I did this same trip last year and put 2 pounds on in 5 days. 2 pounds 5 days. That's almost half a pound a day and I know without preparing myself and remaining incredibly aware and checked in history can repeat itself. It does not help either that I am going to Houston, and somewhat at the mercy of craft services. There's a lot of junk and slutty food around. Fried chicken, brisket, fresh baked cookies, and brownies, and then the obligatory after a long day drinks, followed by second mini bar dinner. I am resolving to stick to my eating guns, not succumb to peer pressure, and not eat anything I do not want to eat. I can not freak out about not being in control but I also do not need to eat 3 brownies just because they are there and I'm nervous. I spent the past few weeks being really nervous about this trip. Last year it was emotionally draining, and food wise so upsetting but I am determined this year to not let that happen. I am one year down the road with better tools and skills to navigate with. I can not control the stress or what food will be before me, but I can control how I react to it, and how I proceed.

Guilt, Accountability, and Stress

I am under a lot of stress right now at work. I have a big project going on, on top of everything else and I am REALLY struggling with emotional/stress eating. Last week I just get getting kicked, this week I am exhausted. Luckily I have Marisa to keep me on the straight an narrow. I felt a lot better after my session with her Tuesday. She made me recenter my focus and better understand the relationship between seeking control in my life and my food choices. I definitely felt out of control last week and that scares me. I don't like having so much pressure and stress on me and then the additional one of feeling out of control about my food choices. I did not realize how much eating well, exercising and taking care of myself had really centered me. Time to regain that center, get back on track and do what I have been doing best move forward. No dwelling, no mindless choices and no guilt. Guilt is such a silly emotion, but a great way to not face what is really going on. What is really going on is I checked out and no amount of guilt will change that. I got to check back in see what I am ignoring and move on. Move it or lose it, and I still need to keep losing it. The weight that is, not control.

When Being Mouthy is a Good Thing

I have a dear friend who is incredibly smart, motivated, and not afraid to tell you it like it is. I was speaking to her Saturday just catching up and we started discussing weight gain, American food culture, and emotional eating. She came from the viewpoint that it's about education. I am what I would consider well educated. My parents hugely believed in education and when it came to my brother and I they invested in our educations. My mom also bless her heart did her best to teach me good nutrition, no snack food, excess sugar, everything made from scratch was how I grew up. So how did I end up morbidly obese? My brain is whacked is the simplest answer. Somewhere along the way my wires got crossed and weight gain was the symptom not the problem. Food became my voice and outlet, it was how I controlled the conversation of what I could not say. Discussing this with my friend and explaining to her how it is not about nutritional education so much as it is disordered eating led her to urge me to speak on a larger platform about this. I wish more people knew there were more resources out there beyond gastric by pass and diets. There is a way to change your life and gain control of your eating habits, this is attainable. Now I just have to use my mouthy ways and gift of the gab to channel my passion for this topic into another arena. I will have to be public about all this which is scary, but I think it is something I am ready for. I will never completely leave this journey behind, but as I move forward I can direct the conversation and how I do that can be not identifying as overweight or feeling embarrassed about my past, but trying to help others who may want to do something similar as me.