Crush Crunched

I've been doing things a little bit differently lately. I have not been worrying about my weight. I have been eating mindfully and trying to believe in the trust I have in myself. Amazing that not worrying about your weight helps you lose weight. 

I have felt free from the constant unrelenting pressure to try harder, eat less, workout more, push myself further. I have tried to drift and find my own way a little more. I pushed when I felt strong, I backed off when I felt sore. I ate what I felt like concentrating on what makes me feel good, healthy, and my body likes. I strove less to control things and just said what do you want? How do you feel? What do you need? I wasn't feeling fruit this week so I didn't eat much of it and I didn't lecture myself over it. It's been pretty nice. 

In the midst of all this reshuffling someone's come into my path. At first I was like cute, but whatever. Then we actually hit it off. I let my guard down, and I went into full blown crush mode. After a lovely several week flirtation he's pulled back and I am baffled and sad. I thought I just liked the attention. It's worse then that I like him. 

My nutritionist pointed out you're making yourself vulnerable in both your food choices and in your life and it's shifting your thinking I want you to keep pushing this. Scary. I ate fig and brie mac and cheese this week. Twice. I ate what I wanted, not the whole thing, because I let myself have it. I didn't make it into anything but mac and cheese as a side dish to turkey meatballs and greens. 

I see and feel progress with food and my body. I find myself being more positive, confident, supportive. I find myself encouraging myself instead of chastising. When it comes to the fellas though I still feel this sense of scaredy cat gulp. My friends say he probably thinks you don't like him and backed off you need to hold his hand a little. This scares the crap out of me. The past month or so though being open, being more vulnerable has certainly enriched my life. I just feel torn as to whether this person was a lesson for the future or is something I should pursue now. 

I wish the question was about the mac and cheese. That I know the answer to. It's yes. Always yes to mac and cheese. To taking a chance on someone or them taking a chance on you I have no answers.