Messy = Fun

I rarely read my horoscope. Not for any particular reason but it's just not on my to do list. I happened to see mine the other day for this week it said:

" Loosen your collar and jump into the unknown. Nothing teaches you who you really are like entering uncharted territories. Yes, time to redefine your sense of security, as it can be about holding your confidence safe, rather than the typical way to perceive it. If anything, what you know is probably always going to be there, so why not take that adventure?"

It plays into something I have been thinking about. I have known for some time when it came to men and dating what I had before was not what I wanted again, but what I actually want not I am not sure of. I have known with my life, and weight loss goals I want to move forward, but not exactly where. I mean telling yourself I don't want a repeat of my ex, want to do good work, and lose weight are not exactly specific. I keep going around and around in a cul-de-sac sometimes. It's safe, known, and familiar. I have consistently said to myself in just about every area of my life well this is good enough.  I discussed this with Marisa on my last appointment with her because she's having a baby (squeeeeee, exciting!). She said maybe it's time to be less afraid to really ask yourself what you want, because the truth is I do not believe you just want good enough, but that's not what you have subscribed to. I don't believe you think your weight is good enough. If you were happy I would say nothing about it because you have done great work, but I don't think you are satisfied. Things have changed, you've changed, why wouldn't what you want change? She also said not only do you have to ask what you want but not be afraid to admit you do not know. I do not like not knowing. Not a huge fan, but lately I have been less afraid. I have trusted the tools I have learned, the confidence I have rebuilt, and well just taken some damn risks. There are no guarantees. There are no ways to ensure you'll be right, or safe, and that scares the bejesus out of me but also makes me feel a sense of peace. I cannot always get it right, boom, worst fear confirmed. I cannot be the best at life. Contest over.

In starting to grasp how not right I am going to be sometimes and more importantly begin to accept that is okay, it's made me come around. I don't always know what I want or how I'll respond, I don't always have the answer. Pretending I do, or know is probably more of a defense mechanism then an self actualized response. When it comes to men I don't always know how I am going to act. Why? Well because for years I have kept myself out of the game. For many reasons. 1. I have a borderline crippling fear of intimacy, 2. I kept myself safe, safe from heartbreak, safe from wrong decisions, by dating people who were a very bad idea. 3. I lost a lot of weight and wrestle with my desirability. The way I am approaching dating, men, and desirability now is completely different.

It's sort of common sense though, my personal struggles are one thing, my weight one's another, but really the last relationship I was in was three years ago I think? Why would I think my approach would be the same? I am not the same person I was three years ago, I am barely the same person I was three months ago. It's sort of cool to take the pressure off to evaluate the same and allow myself to just figure things out. The absolute without a doubt best part of this weight loss has been learning about myself. It's been discovering who I am without suppressing it, self loathing, and all the other nonsense. Why rush to the end? Why rush to find conclusions? Mistakes are fun. They lead to good stories, you learn from them, they teach you. At the core I am who I am, but a lot of that second tier stuff is new ground. I have had my rules, and I think they were less about order and more about safety. I am beginning to see, weight won't keep me safe, isolating myself won't keep me safe, nothing really cuts the messiness of life out. I have to roll with it, and trust that I will keep the ship afloat and I think for once I really believe that.