Sorry I'm not Sorry

Among the many other things I struggle with one of them is apologizing. Not the act of apologizing I have that down, but when not to apologize. I say sorry a lot. For the most part I can dig it. I try to be polite and aware of others and think this is a good thing. Somewhere I am not okay with apologizing is dating. I had a bit of an epiphany the other day.

I was out with someone and thinking he's okay, not amazing, and I just felt like I was doing a lot of the work. Conversationally I excel. Not just because I am a chatty Cathy but because I want both parties to feel at ease. I can ask questions, have a few stories up my sleeve, and can play the part. I find I attract people in my life who do not play the part. My mom refers to it as the social contract. We all have different contracts. I come to your party, you go to mine, I ask you out, you invite me somewhere. I think we all have our own definition of this. I am a wherever I am the people in my life are welcome kind of girl, if you're a bit shy I will do my best to draw you out, or respect it and let the conversation lull. Socially I am pretty cool on this front. Dating I am not. I refuse to be the one doing all the work. I realized though I have always apologized. I have not necessarily verbalized it, but internally whenever something was off I immediately turned it on myself. I'm sorry I am more outgoing then this person, or I'm too chatty, or I'm too this or that. For a long time the weight was the big thing. I spent so much time internally apologizing for my weight. I do not really do that anymore, but I do sometimes find myself apologizing for my character traits. Why am I apologizing? Why is it a negative? And where does it stop? It can be a slippery slope. I mean I have found myself apologizing for some really ridiculous things, and I tell you what the other person not impressed, and me a little topped up in self loathing. No es bueno. 

I realized out with this guy the other night I have had it all wrong. I am not a straightforward girl. I am layered, and not perfect but I am pretty great and definitely worth knowing. Most importantly for the right guy I am a catch just like each and every one of us. A beige fella with very little he has any passion or interest in is probably not going to be right for me long term. It's hard to find someone right for you period never mind if you have a preference for someone a little off the beaten path. I say this not as a judgement or I am the shit so bow to me men way. I say this as a I have to quit apologizing for not being right for people or them not being right for me. I am right for me so I have to find someone who is a fit and not just a body. I am a handful, but I am also a good friend, girlfriend, and person so I do not feel like I owe someone a favor for putting up with me anymore.   

The more I appreciate myself and what I bring to the table the more I care about what someone else does as well. I see this in many areas of my life and it has caused shifts and changes in my friendships, working relationships and family. It's not easy to evolve and try to reset things you never did in the first place. It's not easy to redefine what you think you are worth and deserve from people. I still feel like I am following a manual and it is not natural. What makes me feel hopeful and that continuing to dig inside myself to understand why I do the things I do is sitting across from someone and thinking yes you are a nice guy but you are not right for me and I am not going to apologize for that or think it's some way that I fell short. Things do not always have to be good or bad thing sometimes it's just a thing that you have to shrug your shoulders at and move on. What I found makes this easier and me more resolved to keep doing it is I really like my life and myself so I rarely feel like I lost something. I feel like okay back to what I do like. Next.