Am I Really Doing This?

I have tried dating on line before and nothing much came from it. I totally was not ready and it brought up so many of my confidence issues. It made me really stressed and sweaty. The one date I went on produced the most epic face sweat of my life. I can laugh about it now (only a little, it's still mortifying), but at the time I had to take on board what my body and sweat glands were telling me. I was not ready.

I am not sure I am ready now. I do however know a few things. Operation starve the crush is going well but it's creating weirdness in that relationship. He does not seem pleased I have pulled away but listen if we're supposed to be "friends" me creating some distance and actively dating should not be an issue. I am not trying to play a game or not respect his feelings. What I am doing is trying to protect myself and move on from someone who does not seem to know what they want or where I fit into it. Since he can not make a decision I will. I have decided to move on in order to minimize the weird and hopefully keep the friendship. Not shut a door but open some new ones while it all plays out. This is new for me because previously I would have just walked away without a second thought or how it affected me. I would have not considered that I do value the friendship and would have wrapped it into a box and put it on a shelf to be forgotten.

A friend of mine is dating on line and has met someone she is really excited about. She was urging me to get over my dating phobias and the crush and to get on line. There was a lot of smart things she said but to prevent this from being a novel I am paraphrasing. I reactivated an old profile. I edited the info, changed some photos and did not think much about it. Not much was happening at first. Then I remembered you get back what you put in. I started being a more active participant. I am now communicating with a dude who looks like Ryan Gosling's cousin. That will do nicely thank you very much. Crush? What crush I roll with the Goslings now.

There have been some others but I am just not rushing or communicating with every guy who tries to. I am sorry but lets face facts the great thing about dating on line is I can reject you in a kind manner. I can look at your photos, profile, and communication with me and say no thanks. In the past I have felt like I had to be nice, return every message and think about each guy. I really don't. I am 31 years old. I know what does and does not work for me and while some guys might be perfectly nice people but that does not make them right for me. It's a great feeling giving yourself permission to trust your instincts. Not override that voice that says I dunno about this, or he is a bad idea, or whatever it is that your instincts want to give you a head's up about. I am embracing it and moving forward listening to it. We'll see what happens, probably more face sweating.

The idea of meeting someone still makes me queasy, but I do know putting yourself out there makes it easier to keep doing it. When all else fails I remember well at least I'll get a blog entry out of it.