I am not a hugely regretful person. Of course I have some, a lot are fashion choices or things I thought were the epitome of cool and were not, or food related both things I should and should not have eaten. I have a few related to how long I lived my life disconnected and overweight. I get why I did, or I should say I am beginning to. It's not something you can really regret it just happened and I have to accept it and move on. Easier said then done. What I tend to regret most is things I say. These are not things which are hurtful or anything like that. No I am talking about emotional sluttiness.
It's weird getting to know people. I have a less then straightforward history. There is a big mix of good and bad. While my childhood was not awful it was not amazing either. I have a weird relationship with my family, a Dad who dropped dead when I was 16, I had cancer, a lifetime battle with eating disorders, and now a huge weight loss. It's tough to know when to share and when not to. I used to overshare way too much way too fast. I think I did this to see if I could push someone away and it also felt dishonest to me not telling them where I came from. The way I saw it was well if we're friends they are going to learn about it sooner then later. I am better at tempering this now. I am better about slowly but surely letting things out, and just taking the time to get to know someone and letting them know me. I still struggle sometimes with what is over sharing and what is just sharing? I also typically am plagued with these feelings of regret after telling someone things about myself. I want to flee. I want to never see them again. I obsess over it, replay it, cringe, and then eventually end up at regret. I wish I had a history that was all puppies, unicorns and rainbows but I don't and I can not feel ashamed or bad about that. I constantly am afraid that things which happened to me will push people away and I will continue to be victimized by them. How much of this is real and how much I project I do not know. Where it really worries me is with men. At the core I feel like I do not deserve someone who has it together because I am so tainted by the past and every time I get to know someone I feel like I slip down the ladder a little bit after each disclosure. I become THAT girl. The one who seems like she has it together but she's a mess and too much too take on. I feel like this would be a good time to remind myself and everybody fear is not always rational.
I think this is part of why I keep myself on an island. This is why I have lots of different groups of friends I move between, I maintain loose ties to my extended family, and dating scares the absolute bejesus out of me. On my island I am safe. I do not have to worry about rejection. I can feel secure about keeping my secrets to myself and allowing people to know who I want them to know. I am tired of this island though but finding a new way to be is tough. Finding a way to balance my disclosing nature with what a natural pace of knowledge of is tricky. It's different for every relationship and everybody. How do you know when to share what and do you have to?
How does everyone else deal with disclosing their past?
The past is so difficult to share with new people in our lives. I used to get picked on a lot as a kid (like many people, I'm sure), and one day when I was 12, my tough-lovin mother said to me, "Your problems will end when you stop taking shit from the world".
ReplyDeleteAnd so, over the course of the next few years, I morphed in a mini-copy of my mother: Assertive, aggressive, never taking anyone's crap. I loved the look on people's faces (schoolyard bullies, teachers, and eventually, bosses and crappy boyfriends) when they realized that I wasn't a wimp who would be walked all over.
I've had to tone it down over the past few years (too aggressive doesn't win you many points in life either), but being strong-willed is simply a part of my personality, and it's how everybody perceives me.
So, whenever I meet new friends or guys, I am usually seen as totally self confident, in control, fearless, and secure. I love that people ask me for advice and lean on me when they feel sad and need support. It's a role that I've taken on gladly and I love to identify with.
However, my past is pretty dark too. Eating disorders, depression, family issues, you name it. It's something I work on every day, but I'm not letting it weigh me down either.
There is nobody except my mom and dad who know exactly what's happened in my life, and I never have or plan to disclose it to anybody else in the future. It's a door I'd like to leave close, and I want people to continue to think of me as this strong, willful individual who's got it together. Because even though most days I don't feel at all like the woman everyone thinks I am, just knowing that people believe it is a comfort to me. Weird.
My past is pretty average so no issues there, but I do tend to bombard new people with crap about myself when I feel nervous/awkward. One thing this post did make me think about is how I'll deal with telling new ppl in my life about my weight-loss when - not if! - I reach goal. I will have lost roughly 25-30kgs which is a pretty big deal, so I wonder how I'll approach it when the time comes ...hmmm, interesting
ReplyDeleteMicrolife- Thank you for sharing your story. That was very personal and honest and I really admire you sharing it here. I can identify with it. I also was really hung up on being strong and leaving that door closed. I guess for me I got tired of keeping up that role and the more my past started to close in on me the more I felt suffocated by it. I wanted to be able to not have it all together all the time because I didn't and I wasn't perfect and I was really tired spending all my energy pretending I was. I completely get the comfort though of how you feel you are perceived. I really do. Your comment made me really remember that aspect of it.
ReplyDeleteAnother *** diet girl- Me to!!!! If I'm nervous/awkward or they are giving me nothing to go on I go into overdrive! I've found the weight loss thing gets easier and easier to deal with. You just sort of find your way. I used to really obsess about telling someone, or if I needed to, and all that and just found a way to be really casual about it. What I keep in mind with new people is they are just meeting you so they have no idea what you used to weigh, all they see is what is before them so there's nothing to explain. I mean you would never ask someone else what their weight history was so why volunteer your own?