Squash Wrestling & Saturday

I ventured home today. My mom full on admitted she was concerned about my eating getting out of control at home. I mean you have pizza for dinner one night...I get her concern I do, but I get annoyed by it all the same. I have not been eating out of control today but I have been cooking.

I wrestled a kabocha squash. You ever seen one of these? They are pretty and delicious. I have had them out and about but never roasted one. I have no idea why but I got it into my mind I wanted to roast one. They are tough to cut up, I imagine if your arms work properly it would be easier. I roasted squash, and sprouts, and I am braising red cabbage.

red cabbage is pretty and tasty

no party like a roasting party 

Below are just some randoms to entertain.

My healing recliner nest. 

Mission control. 

I swear she hasn't been having pain pills to. 

I'm not good at cleaning on a good day much less with useless arms. 

It Had Me at Marimba

I have been a lot less precious about finding new music lately. I've been gambling downloading things willy nilly and have come across some gems.


#1 Moonface Dreamland EP: Marimba and Shit. It's a 20 minute EP which I think is interesting off the bat. It's an extremely long thought. I have really liked listening to it cruising around the city because it's not like the typical song. You're in it for the long haul. I suggest listening to the whole thing before making your mind up about it because it comes and goes and I've found that it's part of it's charm.

#2 The Rapture. I was lucky enough to get to see them recently with my friend Kim. I CAN NOT stop listening to "In the Grace of Your Love". I love a man who'll rock a falsetto. The longing in this gives me chills. The good kind.

#3 Laura Marling. My mom is recently obsessed with Mumford & Sons, and she introduced me to Laura Marling. I think she's pretty cool, but the Laura Marling, Mumford & Sons, Dharohar Project is really great in my opinion. I can not stop listening to this song. I just love when she sings, "All of this can be broken, All of this can be broken, Hold your devil by his spoke and spin him to the ground." The live performance is pretty amazing. Everyone looks like they are having such a good time performing and I love the culture clash. Very cool.

#4 Amadou & Mariam "Dogou Badia". Amadou and Mariam are pretty interesting right off the bat. They are a married blind couple from Mali who started their career singing the Malian blues. They have traditionally mixed African and Mali style music with heavy guitars and other instruments. For their latest album they brought in a ton of collaborators because they wanted to expand beyond the world music market. This song not only features Santigold but Yeah Yeah Yeahs guitarist Nick Zinner. I think it's really cool how they are pushing themselves and the collaborations are really interesting. This song in particular I keep coming back to.

#5 Alabama Shakes " Hold On". I can not handle lead singer Brittany Howard's voice. It's so amazing, powerful, and I have to keep listening to it to try to grasp it. I don't know if it's my southern roots but southern tinged music always has a place in my heart. This song makes me wish I could slow dance without being a horrible awkward mess. I do not for the life of me know how to let a guy lead.

#6 Candy Castle "Glass Candy" I mean the singer's name is Ida No. I loved her before I ever knew her. I feel like this is lady Kraftwerk. It's pop with less sugar or something. I dunno, but I dig it.

#7 Little Dragon "Ritual Union" Oh those crazy Swedes with their pop music stylings. I feel like I am the last person to the Little Dragon party. They are not the newest but I kept seeing dudes reference them on their Ok Cupid profiles so I figured I better educate myself. Why thank you men of NYC seeking love! I like this particular performance, but I also love lead singer Yukimi Nagano's dress.

#8 Zola Jesus "Seekir" I need to go to Zola rehab. I am so addicted. I love pretty much all of her music. I think she is someone you either love or hate. I happen to love and after listening to this particular song 786,500 times I can always go for one more time. I just love her. I really do.

#9 Architecture in Helsinki "Escapee" It's impossible to hate life or be in a bad mood when listening to this. When I am listening to it at home cooking, I have a whole dance routine including jazz hands. It just makes me happy. It is not hugely surprising to me that such a joyous song comes from an Australian band. Seriously people of down under what is your secret? Most Aussies I know are an easy breezy happy folk. Lucky ducks.

#10 Gary Clark Jr. "Don't Owe You a Thang" Another song that makes me wish I was capable of dancing with men. This is more a foot stompin', hand clapping, skirt that flies up when you twirl kind of song. I wanna do some sort of sexy two step. Does that exist? All I know is I like it a lot and I am working on the two step in the meantime.

What's everybody else listening to? Anything good? Anything you can not get enough of? I have just emerged from my Gotye obsession.

Moseying Along

I think I have officially freaked my mom out that I am never going home. I casually mentioned I might try to head home today. I have made zero moves to do this. I am just not in a rush really. It's pretty here. She has bath products from Molton Brown and makes me coffee in the morning. Seriously, it's her fault I don't want to leave. I am not in a rush though because it's nice having her nearby when I get a little freaked out. It's funny what a difference a few years makes. I would have died before I showed my mom my naked body before. Now I am constantly stripping off and making her assess everything with me. Poor woman. She's patient. She gets that a lot more of this is emotional then it is physical. She however has asked I quit showing her my lipo bruises. Fair enough, if you've seen an eggplant then you know what they look like.

In post surgical victories I have finally showered. Woo hoo! Yesterday was not a good day. I was crazy emotional, tired, and in pain. When my mom got home I finally got into the shower so if there was a huge thud she would investigate. I got nervous taking all the wrapping and gauze off, because naturally gauze got stuck to it. She patiently strand by strand got it off the incision. I saw my scar and while not beautiful it's not horrible either. The reality is hitting me though that hiding that sucker from the sun while I heal is going to be a challenge. Time to stock up on some really good sunscreen. In fact hiding that scar while it's at peak angry is going to be interesting. I do and don't care. I knew going into this I was going to have one. Seeing it is a different thing.

In other victories... I wore real pants today. I had yet to venture beyond sweatpants. I thought my legs would be too swollen but I got them on. It's amazing what real pants do for your self esteem. I love wallowing in some sweatpants don't get me wrong, but there comes a time when it starts to impact your self esteem. I was at that point. I think my mom was starting to worry I had lost the will to live, yesterday was rough, but I was flush with victory getting my pants on and decided to join her outside in the world. We got our nails done. I decided to be sneaky and treat her since she's been a great nurse. I did not realize she got the world's most expensive pedicure, but whatever. Small price to pay for great nursing care. I do wonder however if they soaked her in caviar or something. I know we're on the Upper East Side but sheesh.

Eating wise I am doing not so bad. I am starting to freak a little bit about not being able to work out. I also definitely want to eat some feelings. I realized today that the coffee my mom has been making me is decaf so while she finished up her pedicure I went in search of caffeinated coffee. I went into this place I know has delicious treats and there was a tasty looking chocolate bar. I picked it up and put it down twice. I just reminded myself it was not going to make me any less sore and uncomfortable. It also happened to be $12 which is outrageous for a chocolate bar that does not have magical powers. All it could do is taste good and make me feel crappy about indulging when I am not being hugely active. Working out has a huge impact on how I feel about myself. I just feel smaller, lighter, thinner, and when I am not working out I instantly feel bigger. I am going to have to work on this because it's not like I am being lazy. I physically can not work out for 4 weeks unless I heal freakishly fast. I just feel guiltier about what I eat when I am not working out like I do not deserve things. I can have a bite of chocolate, but lets be real I was going to eat that whole bar and probably in one sitting. That without workouts is not so good. I ordered groceries that will arrive tomorrow and I stocked up on lots of fresh fruit and veg. I am going to watch my carbs a little bit while I recover. I do not need as many right now for energy. I am trying to eat super clean and really focus on putting healthy things in my body while I recover.

I have another confession....I do not talk about this much because it's my shame....I still smoke occasionally. Despite the healthy habits I have incorporated, despite the working out, despite the knowledge I have, I smoke. It's a horrible, awful, habit, but it's one I love. Well I can not smoke for 4 weeks while I recover. It's an additional stress. I feel like my go to's eating, working out, smoking, have all been eliminated. It's a bit daunting. I think it is another reason I am not rushing to go home. I can't smoke at my mom's, she literally would kill me. Literally. At home, who is going to watch me? I am not always so good at watching myself. I think I am talking about it here so I know the interwebz is watching. I did have a puff off a smoke and it made me break into a cold sweat and want to puke so I keep reminding myself of that when I want to smoke. My thing is if I can make it 4 weeks without smoking then I can quit for good right? So I should stop thinking about it as a countdown until I can smoke again huh...

Please, send news! Give me updates, tell me anything! I am growing restless recovering here.

Day 2

Wow. I've been feeling pretty good so I have lost all sense of time. Today I feel well not so good. I have to remind myself it's been two days. I am really tired, sore, and a little weepy. I also might be tapping out on mama time. It's less her because she's being good and more I am grumpy and she wants to have deeper conversations then I am capable of right now. I don't want to chat about my brother who won't speak to me because he's jealous of what I have, or my dead father. Just not in the mood. Katie came over last night and brought dinner which I appreciated. My mom was supposed to be out but cancelled her plans and then monopolized the evening. I was relieved when she said the past few nights of insomnia had caught up with her and she had to go to bed. I was like oh yes mother, do get your rest.

I tried to go painkiller free today just as an experiment and because I want to conserve them. I am now heating soup to take one with in a few minutes. Why be a hero? There are no medals for doing these things. I get to take a shower today which I am both SO EXCITED about and scared of. I am a little afraid of what I might see and I have to transition out of the wraps and into the compression sleeves. I am a little nervous about this. 1. I think the wraps look kind of cool, or at least like I got a tattoo or really like to look like Carmelo Anthony. 2. The sleeves are hot as in trap heat not Paris Hilton that's hot and I am very warm between my legs and arms being wrapped. 3. I will see my scar. 4. I itch REALLY bad and do not want to be able to scratch anything. All that being said I am going to shower today but just not rushing to do so. Some of this is because moving today is not so fun. I am really sore and between the soreness and exhaustion to idea of standing under hot water is just too much. It's a good thing I am really a-okay with being Feral Cheryl.

Well I have been awake for a hour or so and can feel my eyelids getting heavy again. It's a pretty exciting post surgical life up in these parts.

Well I Survived

I have to say I am doing shockingly well. I mean it's a shock to me. I am in pain, swollen, and bruised but nothing that can not be managed. My mom is being amazing. Yesterday ended up being a really great day. Weird right?

I stayed at my mom's place the night before because she lives really close to the hospital. She got home from a dinner and we chatted, she filled me in on her new obsession with Mumford & Sons, I think she thinks she discovered them and then it was off to bed. I had to be at the hospital at 5:30am thankfully, I was one of his first surgeries. It occurred to me waiting for my surgery time, what if I was 4pm or something? I mean I can handle not eating ( I am lying) but no coffee?! Never mind the nervous nellies that would creep in.

I gave my mom a hug and kiss and was off. I I had to answer a few questions and then it was time for prep. I had to shuck all my clothes and get into my snazzy robe and gown ensemble, and put on a weird hairnet cap like thing. I got up to the ward and met Stella my pre-op nurse. Stella was amazing and Russian. I am a FREAK for Russian accents. I seriously can not get enough. I was not too nervous at this point because lets face it, train's left the station but I took it as a sign that my nurse was Russian and really funny. She welcomed me to their pyjama party and started getting me ready. The care at this hospital is really amazing. Everyone was so nice, I mean when they were settling me into my recliner bed chair I was given a blanket that was not only nice and cozy but Stella had warmed it for me! It was love at that point. It was a good thing I had not been given any drugs yet though because I had to keep telling myself do not mimic her accent, do not mimic the accent. I was watching the morning news, and starting to doze off when my anesthesiologist arrived and introduced herself. I thought it was pretty cool she was a lady anesthesiologist. She explained because of surgery being done on my arms that I would have the IV in my hand, she also asked me her pertinent questions, and made me feel like I was in good hands. She went ahead and put the IV in. No drugs just yet, still prep. My doctor then came by and marked me up and went over any last concerns. I think he was really surprised at my enthusiasm, he's like how are you this morning, I said GREAT lets do this! It's wings be gone day. I might have even said I'm pumped which is not really one of my words but tells you how excited I was.

I thought having a sharpie taken to my thighs would be one of the more embarrassing things that happened to me in this process but oh no. Stella handed me off to my operating nurse who took me to the OR. So I walking with her down the hall as she holds my IV, she says casually I tried to warm up the OR for you but it's probably going to still be cold. I think well that's jolly nice, but I am not connecting the dots. We arrive and there are two other people in there who I am not 100% clear on who they are or what they're doing but they're prepping. Introductions are made. She points to a towel on the ground and says I need you to stand there and disrobe. I'm sorry what? She again apologizes for the cold and then helps me shuck my gown and robe. She then paints me with cold betadine sponges on sticks from the waist down. It's funny I know these people are totally used to nudity but I still felt so weird. I also was starting to get panicked by all the surgical stuff around. I have never been in an operating room not a little knocked out so it was weird to be totally awake and aware that they instruments around were for me, the syringe being prepped for me, the guy was gracious and sat down with his down while I was painted and he was setting up their music. I welcomed the distraction of discussing pandora while poor Elena (also Russian by the way) painted my butt crack with betadine. Then I had to back up and carefully descend on to the table. Again naked being held by Elena and the anesthesiologist holding my hands, and painstakingly slowly telling me what to do and assessing if they liked my position, I mean no need to rush ladies not like I am naked or anything.There was some sort of sweet spot I was not capable of discerning I was just like can a girl get a blanket?! I am lying down, pretty much spread eagle, and then mystery lady who I believe was the anesthesiologist's assistant covers me with a sheet and then starts making burritos out of my legs. Not sure what it was about but I was very grateful. That's my last memory and then I woke up in recovery.

Recovery was not too shabby. I was just sleepy and in and out of it. The first time I got up however was not pleasant. Then I became aware of how sore I was. My legs were definitely not happy. I am so swollen and bruised it's sort of hilarious. I am getting a glance of what I would look like if I was half eggplant. I went through the first stage of recovery then to phase 2. Phase 2 they gave me the best cup of coffee I have ever had in my life, some water, apple sauce, graham crackers, and a pain pill. Then my mom showed up, I said to her first they gave me coffee, my legs are ridonk and I'm happy to see you. She's like hello to you to. I was really happy to see her. She helped me put my hair back and kept me company. As she's putting my hair back she's like please do not put the blond in again, I think it disrupts your look of dark hair, light eyes, and I said really? You want to have this discussion now? I just had surgery could you save the opinons and just put my hair up so I look a little less like a cavewoman. I had to take a stroll, and go to the bathroom to continue meeting the criteria to be released so she went to get me a starbucks while I did that.

So when I woke up my arms were bandaged and my garment was on my lower half. When I took my walk I did okay and actually moving around made my legs feel a lot better. Should you have lipo heed their warnings, move a little. It definitely helps. Now, the garment I have has an escape hatch for peeing, however when your thighs are swollen to 3000 their normal size this does not help you much. Lucky for me again, I had a nice nurse. I said we're about to really get to know one another. I never thought a woman would help me pee, but she did. You do not really realize how much you need your arms until you can not use them, and your thighs are sort of out of the equation. She's like for the next few days/weeks it's all about your core and glutes. She wasn't lying, it's surgery and a work out. Egon is not mad at this information.

I had help getting dressed, checked out, and wheeled outside and into a cab. I went to the tiny little grocery store next to my mom's place with her. I can not even imagine what I looked like. It's made me giggle all day, but the lime chicken yucatan soup I picked out was worth it. They told me to move around a little every 1-2 hours. The trick is to move around enough to ease the leg swelling but not so much it increases the arm swelling. It's a tough balance.

Mobility wise, I am walking like I am 80, and I can not put my arms fully down, but nothing horrible. The hardest part so far is putting on a bra and peeing. It's really tough for me to my bra clasp, and peeing wise well I have on the garment, my legs hurt, and well it's just a struggle.

The arm pain is weird. Yesterday it was not so bad, but sort of burning  and I was very aware of it in my arm pit. Today it's itchy, sore, and barks pretty quickly when I try to do something they are not pleased with.That being said I dressed myself today, managed to wash my face and put my hair back and took my dog for a walk. She is a little confused why I can not pick her up, but is loving being with my mom's dogs. My mom is also being an amazing nurse. She set me up with a sofa nest, and then helped me build a recliner like structure in my bed last night so I was elevated and comfy. I am a side sleeper so this on my back sleeping is a bummer. She made me roasted veggie soup and has been really great. I was nervous being at her mercy but she's been lovely. She keeps bringing me coconut water on ice. I feel like a horrible kid being suspicious of how it would go but I have my reasons. She's sort of traditionally set me up a wee bit. Oh do this I have your back, but then not so much. I was really happy to see her at recovery and really happy she was there for it, and not just to check me out. She really was going out of her way to be there for me. When she came back from her starbucks expedition she had an iced coffee for me and was so upset she could not find a starbucks but just had a deli coffee. Truthfully I was not so hung up on the coffee but thought it was really sweet how much she thought it would comfort me. I had to shoo her away to her art class last night. She's like are you sure, are you okay? I was like I'm going to eat some soup, take a pill and go to bed so GO! She's been really awesome and not just supporting the surgery but supporting me and it has meant a lot to me. I've even gotten a little teary over it.

My friends have also been amazing. So many people reached out before, yesterday, and have continued to do so today. It has touched me so much. Katie is coming over for a visit tonight and I am excited to see her.
For now I am keeping the hospital bracelets on because I do look like crap so I figure people might think I am an escaped mental patient and cut me some slack. Katie wants to take one and tonight have us go act stark raving mad in the park. I just might be feeling up to it. Nothing heals you like some amusing performance art.

All in all I feel pretty good. I am taking it slow. Resting, drinking water, and so happy I did this. I get to shower tomorrow which I can not wait for, and see my doc on Monday, in the meantime I am just thrilled. I feel really great to have the surgery behind me and feel pretty good about the healing moving forward. Now back to watching the stunning display my thigh bruising is putting on and trying not to pee on myself.

I think the arm bands make me look a little gangsta.

Eye Roll

I have a guy friend who I've had some weirdness with in the past. Nothing major but we definitely get a little intoxicated and touchy feely. He is the one of awkward hand holding fame. I am still not sure what to make of that.

Anyway....he was with me Friday night. He asked me about the South African and said are you two grooving. Side note, I am not sure what twenty something uses the word grooving to talk about hitting it off with someone but I digress. I said I have no idea, and probably not because mostly straight women find me attractive. I said you're a dude why do your people not like me? I was kidding, but hey if he wanted to answer the question I would listen. He says I have no idea. He then says what I found very eye roll inducing, I mean girls never approach me. They don't approach you, because YOU should approach THEM. I am not talking about the rules. I think that stuff is bullshit. What I am talking about is effort. You want something go after it. I am not sure I want him despite being attracted to him. I'd like to make out and go back to being friends which sounds like a really good way to completely complicate a friendship so I do nothing. I do nothing because I am not sure what I want and if he is worth the risk. I also want him to make some sort of concrete move. Why do I want this move, because I want him to demonstrate I worth putting his ish to the side to pursue because I know I am. That might make me rethink some of my reservations.  He doesn't, he won't and probably never will. This is fine because in the long run it shows me we just see things differently. I am a little over this difference truthfully. Not in terms of romance because I have shut the door on that, but in terms of friendship. We all want people to make effort. I am good at planning, I am good at including others, I am one of those people who welcomes people wherever I am, but it gets old when it's always that way. For the most part I have a lot of reciprocity with friends and do not feel like there is an uneven amount of effort going on. There is a significant imbalance of effort here, and I should probably look at that. It does not make me feel awesome.

He is a little bit of a wolf child in other regards and that works at 18, not in your late 20's. I am really lucky that for the most part my male friends are well mannered and considerate. I am very independent and have no problems taking care of myself, but it's nice when a guy friend puts me in a cab before himself, it's nice when the bars packed and they go get me a drink, it's nice when I have them over for dinner and they say thank you. None of these things to me are major but they are traits that I value because they are simple but significant. They show respect and value and I appreciate them. Not so sure I have the patience I once did for the wolf children of Manhattan.

Manners are something of a personal preference. I am from the South where a huge amount of emphasis is put on them and I do value them. I think what really irks me about my conversation with him is the sense of expectation. Take a risk, make a effort, go after what you want! I did not email the South African because I thought anything would come from it. I did it because he was cool and worth sticking myself out for. That's the kind of stuff I like in others as well. It's a bonus if they are not allergic to please and thank you.

Friday Night Goat Rodeo

My friend Beth's birthday was ages ago, but last night we went to the knicks game to celebrate it. I have been trying to stay away from booze, and take care of myself prepping for surgery. I also knew Friday night I was going to be out and wanted to have fun and not be precious about it. Good thing I saved up for Friday because we did it up and it was one of those nights you know is going to be a good time but do not know how. Ours was knicks + tourists we kidnapped + Australians we added to the mix + air hockey = epic night.

I love Beth. She is bold and her own person and she combined with a friend of mine is hilarious. They could make a wall their friend. Of course when we were milling about outside Madison Square Garden and started talking to a group of people in town for the weekend from Amsterdam they befriended them. Beth then proceeds them to come out with us. That's just how beazy rolls and I love it. I spent a good portion of the night flirting with a charming South African. He was going to head back to his hotel but I convinced him to go to the next stop with us. I think I felt like I could be bolder because I was never going to see him again, and well, vodka. It also made me realize a few things about myself and dudes. I have a horrible habit of finding myself with faux boyfriends that are my guy friends. We're definitely flirtatious, affectionate, and not completely platonic. This is not a good scene for me anymore. I think it was comforting before because I was scared and insecure now it's just really confusing and sucky. Being caught in these relationships holds me back from ones where there can be actual romance. Settling for these is crap and selling myself so short. It muddies the waters, threatens the friendship and there's no making out. It's happened too many times for me not to see it's a pattern and I play a part in it. It seems all innocent when it begins, you're friends so some leaning on each other, some hand holding seems like it is not a big deal at all, but it is. I get hung up on these little moments. I look for meaning in them. There is none. If these guys wanted to be more then friends they would. Period. Point blank. Issue closed. It's tough to let someone you care about and value reject you, it's even harder to accept you keep putting yourself in the path of it. Friendship is about acceptance, and mutual interests, and respect, bringing this element into it undermines all that.

I have been taking more risks with guys. Striking up conversations and putting myself out there. I do not think the surgery is going to make some massive difference, but I do think knowing it's happening helps me feel more confident. I still struggle not to want to hide myself. Not to shrink back into a corner and be safe. Surgery means one less thing to fall back on wanting to hide. I need to channel a little more Beazy sometimes and convince tourists to hang out with me.


** Update in an effort to be less of a weenie in regards to dudes I sent the South African a message on linkedin. He's an art director so not totally crazy for us to be connected and felt a little less psycho then facebook. I have ZERO expectation on this but was glad I went through the exercise.