I am a goal oriented lady. I like to think ahead and sort of think I have a small clue of where I am heading. I don't really. I deviate constantly from the plan. I have been a little off course though and in the meantime because work is getting crazy, the weather is getting warmer, and I just want to run free like a pony I am going to ground myself with some goals. In no particular order of importance below:
1. Get to bed earlier, literally put myself to bed earlier. I do not have to sleep but I need to be in there.
2. Walk home from work to appreciate nice weather, where I live, and to not rush home. I live in Chelsea, and 8th ave becomes a giant catwalk when the weather is nice. Dumplin' even sashays her way home with me. Girl can work a leash. It's a great way to unwind on the way home.
3. Eat dinner earlier, which means I need to organize my day better, get to the gym earlier and to be home earlier. Time management, I don't has it.
4. Back to breakfast at home in the morning. This is why going to bed earlier needs to happen. I just can't wake up in the mornings. To my defense I am not sleeping very well, then drinking lots-o-caffeine during the day, and then having a hard time sleeping. It's a vicious cycle that delicious coffee makes tough to break.
5. Use Sunday to get ready for the week. I have been cuckoo crazy for turkey tacos lately and I like making the meat on Sundays so I have it for the week. I also prep my quinoa for breakfast and do laundry. The last few Sundays I have not done this and I would like to this Sunday. I think I sleep better knowing I have looked at the week ahead and made some plans.
One girl's journey to a healthy relationship with life.
Friday, April 29, 2011
Normally, Not a Fan
I would usually not say anything kind about a body suit or a one piece of any sort. They can be a necessary evil for certain skirts and pieces but when Lady Gaga went and made them THE thing. I was not such a fan. I would still like her to shock us with some pants on occasion or at least just a little bit less of her bum. It makes me nervous. Carrying on... who looks good in body suit worn as an outfit? You know what happens though, if a trend sticks around long enough you start to drink the style kool-aid and think it's a good idea. I have been noticing a pic here and there where I don't just do a dramatic eye roll but instead a murmur of appreciation.
These two pics however had me swooning, both for sexy rexy confidence and a one piece that isn't just awkward and uncomfortable for all involved:
1. January Jones is gorgeous, and I give her hella props for getting preggers and not saying who the father is. What does it matter who the father is? I could not care less, not my bun. I am stuck on this picture. She makes me think wearing some sort of bodysuit is a great sexy idea.
2. This Brigitte Bardot look alike makes me want to go to Paris and pose delightfully in front of the Eiffel Tour. I not only want to do that but in some sort of one piece ensemble. Tres tres chic. I'll be in Paris with my mama in July, anyone want to dare me to recreate? Totally kidding. All dares will kindly be refused because it will be much too hot for thigh highs.
Brigitte Bardot look alike picture courtesy of Cat @ http://littleplastichorses.blogspot.com
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Le Confidence
Last week when I was getting my ombre on I happened to read a little of a magazine. It's really rare I read magazines which is still odd to me. I used to be obsessed with women's magazines I would save my allowance for foreign issues, and I collected them compulsively. I even had a pretty substantial vintage Vogue collection going until I went to college. When I was about 11 years old I lived next door to a girl who was a few years older then me and of course infinitely cooler. She introduced me to YM, and Sassy. Right before I was leaving on a beach vacation she gave me about 1000 old issues and an obsession was completely born. I think my love affair with magazines started to wane when I worked at Jane magazine. I had thought it was literally the coolest thing ever. After working there not so much. I started realizing how inferior they made me feel, whether it was something I wanted but didn't have, a look I desired but could never achieve, and never mind how often the articles are the same. Recently I pick them up more often and happened to at the salon. It's just what you do I suppose. I saw Olivia Wilde peaking at me and the promise of getting her secrets for confidence. It hooked me cause despite being drop dead gorgeous and a one time competitive eater she seems pretty confident.
The article was pretty good. She made some interesting points about what women do, like waxing, highlights and so on. As I was waiting to get my own hair blown out I actually quit skimming and read the article. Her point about some grooming is it does not enhance your beauty so much as your confidence making you more open to being a little bolder and there by more attractive. One point was the girl with the fresh bikini wax is more likely to suggest skinny dipping then the one who maybe skipped it. She also listed skinny dipping as when she feels sexiest...I would say something about that but I am trying not to neg other women. Moving on, I do agree with her. I think taking care of yourself has very little about making you more appealing, pretty, sexy, whatever words you want to associate with it. It is about boosting your self esteem, and hanging your hat on something to allow that confident you out. One quote I actually took the time to put into my phone to remember later was, "Confidence is a state of mind, but sometimes we have to give ourselves permission to realize it." I think there is so much truth to this, but I think we spend so much time talking ourselves out of it. We list all the reasons we should not be confident but how often do we give ourselves permission to just be confident? In the past I have been really good at faking confidence but I am going to give myself permission to actually be confident. To actually list the reasons or to just say to hell with it I look good today and I am going to embrace it.
Lately making more decisions I actually want to make and doing what is right for me has been a real boost. Right or wrong I stand behind them whether it's my hair, or taking a night off from the gym. I am trying to practice giving myself permission to be confident, and trust I do know the value of who I am and what I am offering. Maybe it will help quiet the meaner voices in my head and if it means I have to get more lovely things like highlights and manicures well then so be it. I will suffer for my confidence :)
The article was pretty good. She made some interesting points about what women do, like waxing, highlights and so on. As I was waiting to get my own hair blown out I actually quit skimming and read the article. Her point about some grooming is it does not enhance your beauty so much as your confidence making you more open to being a little bolder and there by more attractive. One point was the girl with the fresh bikini wax is more likely to suggest skinny dipping then the one who maybe skipped it. She also listed skinny dipping as when she feels sexiest...I would say something about that but I am trying not to neg other women. Moving on, I do agree with her. I think taking care of yourself has very little about making you more appealing, pretty, sexy, whatever words you want to associate with it. It is about boosting your self esteem, and hanging your hat on something to allow that confident you out. One quote I actually took the time to put into my phone to remember later was, "Confidence is a state of mind, but sometimes we have to give ourselves permission to realize it." I think there is so much truth to this, but I think we spend so much time talking ourselves out of it. We list all the reasons we should not be confident but how often do we give ourselves permission to just be confident? In the past I have been really good at faking confidence but I am going to give myself permission to actually be confident. To actually list the reasons or to just say to hell with it I look good today and I am going to embrace it.
Lately making more decisions I actually want to make and doing what is right for me has been a real boost. Right or wrong I stand behind them whether it's my hair, or taking a night off from the gym. I am trying to practice giving myself permission to be confident, and trust I do know the value of who I am and what I am offering. Maybe it will help quiet the meaner voices in my head and if it means I have to get more lovely things like highlights and manicures well then so be it. I will suffer for my confidence :)
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
More ombre obsession
I came across this and have to have it. I currently have blue nails, similar shade to the pinky. I would post a pic but this mani has seen better days and I have nail shame.
Ombre nails from:
http://thebeautydepartment.com
Ombre nails from:
http://thebeautydepartment.com
Labels
Samara left this comment about Body Remodeling:
You're absolutely right -- there is a significant difference between cosmetic and corrective procedures. Do you think that we want people outed for their procedures just so that we can easily label or categorize them? You know, gay or straight, male or female, real or fake, etc etc etc? I think that we as a culture are totally label-obsessed. Of course, the other possibility in my mind is that we want to know who has had work done so that we can feel better about ourselves. Thoughts?
As usual I do have thoughts on this. Shocking I know. It sort of ties into a few themes cooking for me right now. My Mom is a Jungian, she practices Jungian analysis which is a analytic form of psychotherapy. Her doctor, Dr. Williford is pretty cool. Share what I learn from Marisa and she shares with me what she learns from Dr. Williford. One of his brilliant things is on labels. He says we label as a shortcut to understanding. We think if we label something we have a deeper understanding and connection to it then we do. Labels do not really tell us anything. It would be really easy to say if you have plastic surgery you are fake, but what about a burn victim? Extreme example but definitely of someone who is not fake. I try not to label, speak in broad or general terms, but it's a tough challenge. Sometimes you just want a shortcut. You just want to think you have grasped the whole story or bigger picture. In thinking about labels I have been thinking about how I label myself. I discussed my whiplash reaction to being told I would end up looking like Kim Kardashian. We discussed why this is. I knew she would have some good insight. So much of it comes from my childhood. What I learned is this, have I dealt with experiences, and childhood pain? Absolutely. Do I have any idea how it has shaped who I am now? No. I understand it has impacted and shaped me but I have no idea what to do about it. I talked about my issues with men. That I hate feeling preyed upon and the idea of having a super sexy body made me want to shut down. I said to her imagine if I had just gotten my driver's license would you give me a Bentley or a Ford? I vote Ford. I am just becoming comfortable in my own skin, aware, and proud, to then go from 0-100 just made me panic. I think so often why I take the lead with guys is to keep that panic at bay. I feel so out of control, uncomfortable, and panicked when I am being pursued. I also inherently do not trust it. Some of this is from being monkeyed with as a kid, and being trapped in a bathroom and made to show my body. It is not a huge surprise this would influence me, but how do you avoid just labeling it I was affected? Marisa told me what is really important is when that happens is to recognize that it is my past, and that I have to literally say to myself you feel this way because of the past but you are safe and in control now and can leave the situation. Just hearing that made me feel better. I like knowing an action I can take.
Another thing we talked about is again this cul-de-sac of weight loss I am in. She said I think some of it is you needed a break. You have been running an emotional marathon and needed a break which is okay. I like that she gives me permission to take pressure off sometimes and does not make me feel guilty. I think it helps me connect with my own voice to give myself permission to do what's right for me. So she said a lot of what is going on is where you are now in the middle is safe, it's neutral. We talked more about what that meant. She said more is coming up, more to do with your childhood. She said when I say childhood I do not mean the babysitter's friend (pieced that detail together recently), but your childhood, the whole thing. I thought for a second and said I was never accepted as a kid, I was never told what who I was is good enough. My mom was a bubble popper, if you said I want to be an astronaut her first response was well you're not very good at science. She thought she was preparing you for let downs, other people's opinions, or the cruelty of the world at large. So much of this behavior was about her not me, or my brother, does not mean it did not hurt. It took a lot of joy out of what being a kid is about, thinking anything is possible and the world is yours to conquer. Another thing is no one said anything as critical, cruel, harsh, or deflating as my mom so she was pretty wrong on that front. It did not prepare me for the world, it prepared me to not have her confidence in me. I do not think that was her intention at all but it's how it came off. She has done a tremendous amount of soul searching in the past two years right along with me for her own purposes. She called me one day and said she was sorry. It was pretty amazing. It was really cool to have her come to her own realization how hurtful, pointless, and ridiculous that behavior was. I feel pretty lucky to have received that apology. I also feel kindness towards her that so much of it was not about me, but about her. My mom has really struggled with her own self esteem and self acceptance. My grandmother was a doozy of negative influence on her. She was downright mean to my mom her entire life. It is not a surprise to me my mom would try to protect us and instead end up hurting us. She had no example on how to protect kids, she had to protect herself within her family. How it all starts to piece together.
I received very little acceptance from my parents, family, or peers in many ways. It was constantly reinforced to me I was not good enough, what I should be, or okay. My Dad loved pieces of me, the ballerina, the horseback rider, and the daddy's little girl. He also was the same person after seeing for a split second and telling him about my day would say, "Anna the short version." Seriously dude? You were not that important, you were not the president and should have been able to tolerate 10 minutes with your kid before ego'ing out. I became so self conscious about this, about talking too much, wasting people's time, men thinking I was silly and superfulous. Simple action, life time of ramifications. I won't even go into his full scale meltdown of me embracing grunge, there was no greater insult to him then not being feminine. Of course though it did not help my mom also would say to me Anna you're babbling stop talking while in the middle of a sentence, and also was made to do my Dad's bidding. He would complain to my mom and expect her to just fix things, like my weight, or wearing doc marten. I believed her that it was his agenda, but I felt so betrayed.
My relationship with my mom was so tension filled and tenuous I did not need anymore stress to it. My Dad should have manned up and talked to me about his own concerns. Often I was desperate to connect to my mom that and maybe the babbling was feeling like I had her attention. I just was trying to have a conversation. I felt so distanced from my mom as a child. She held me at arm's length because her own self esteem said to her they can't possibly want or depend on you, you're not good enough. So sad. She held herself apart thinking no one could love or need her and that's all my brother and I wanted. One of my favorite teenage memories because while I focus on the negative the good is implied but not always share.... a group of girls in 8th grade were not being so nice to me. As my mom said it was my turn in the barrel. I went to the nurse feigning illness and she came to school picked me up and took me out for an awesome day in London. It made me feel awesome. It gave me the confidence to go back to school and think whatever taunt me I dare you, but mostly I loved that she read between the lines and just got what I needed and trusted her instincts. For the record NO ONE is or was better then my mom with girlfriend fights. Seriously have issues with your friends I'll hook you up with her.
These voices still exist in my head. There are old labels I default to. Old labels of no one will ever really accept you, no one will ever love you for who you are, no one will ever think who you are is enough. I am okay with who I am and think I am enough, but when it comes to other people and interactions this voice crops up. I have to learn to understand how it's intertwined with modern day me to move into the future without it having any power. The damage is done, it's shaped who I am today, but for it to lose it's control/power I have to change my own labels.
You're absolutely right -- there is a significant difference between cosmetic and corrective procedures. Do you think that we want people outed for their procedures just so that we can easily label or categorize them? You know, gay or straight, male or female, real or fake, etc etc etc? I think that we as a culture are totally label-obsessed. Of course, the other possibility in my mind is that we want to know who has had work done so that we can feel better about ourselves. Thoughts?
As usual I do have thoughts on this. Shocking I know. It sort of ties into a few themes cooking for me right now. My Mom is a Jungian, she practices Jungian analysis which is a analytic form of psychotherapy. Her doctor, Dr. Williford is pretty cool. Share what I learn from Marisa and she shares with me what she learns from Dr. Williford. One of his brilliant things is on labels. He says we label as a shortcut to understanding. We think if we label something we have a deeper understanding and connection to it then we do. Labels do not really tell us anything. It would be really easy to say if you have plastic surgery you are fake, but what about a burn victim? Extreme example but definitely of someone who is not fake. I try not to label, speak in broad or general terms, but it's a tough challenge. Sometimes you just want a shortcut. You just want to think you have grasped the whole story or bigger picture. In thinking about labels I have been thinking about how I label myself. I discussed my whiplash reaction to being told I would end up looking like Kim Kardashian. We discussed why this is. I knew she would have some good insight. So much of it comes from my childhood. What I learned is this, have I dealt with experiences, and childhood pain? Absolutely. Do I have any idea how it has shaped who I am now? No. I understand it has impacted and shaped me but I have no idea what to do about it. I talked about my issues with men. That I hate feeling preyed upon and the idea of having a super sexy body made me want to shut down. I said to her imagine if I had just gotten my driver's license would you give me a Bentley or a Ford? I vote Ford. I am just becoming comfortable in my own skin, aware, and proud, to then go from 0-100 just made me panic. I think so often why I take the lead with guys is to keep that panic at bay. I feel so out of control, uncomfortable, and panicked when I am being pursued. I also inherently do not trust it. Some of this is from being monkeyed with as a kid, and being trapped in a bathroom and made to show my body. It is not a huge surprise this would influence me, but how do you avoid just labeling it I was affected? Marisa told me what is really important is when that happens is to recognize that it is my past, and that I have to literally say to myself you feel this way because of the past but you are safe and in control now and can leave the situation. Just hearing that made me feel better. I like knowing an action I can take.
Another thing we talked about is again this cul-de-sac of weight loss I am in. She said I think some of it is you needed a break. You have been running an emotional marathon and needed a break which is okay. I like that she gives me permission to take pressure off sometimes and does not make me feel guilty. I think it helps me connect with my own voice to give myself permission to do what's right for me. So she said a lot of what is going on is where you are now in the middle is safe, it's neutral. We talked more about what that meant. She said more is coming up, more to do with your childhood. She said when I say childhood I do not mean the babysitter's friend (pieced that detail together recently), but your childhood, the whole thing. I thought for a second and said I was never accepted as a kid, I was never told what who I was is good enough. My mom was a bubble popper, if you said I want to be an astronaut her first response was well you're not very good at science. She thought she was preparing you for let downs, other people's opinions, or the cruelty of the world at large. So much of this behavior was about her not me, or my brother, does not mean it did not hurt. It took a lot of joy out of what being a kid is about, thinking anything is possible and the world is yours to conquer. Another thing is no one said anything as critical, cruel, harsh, or deflating as my mom so she was pretty wrong on that front. It did not prepare me for the world, it prepared me to not have her confidence in me. I do not think that was her intention at all but it's how it came off. She has done a tremendous amount of soul searching in the past two years right along with me for her own purposes. She called me one day and said she was sorry. It was pretty amazing. It was really cool to have her come to her own realization how hurtful, pointless, and ridiculous that behavior was. I feel pretty lucky to have received that apology. I also feel kindness towards her that so much of it was not about me, but about her. My mom has really struggled with her own self esteem and self acceptance. My grandmother was a doozy of negative influence on her. She was downright mean to my mom her entire life. It is not a surprise to me my mom would try to protect us and instead end up hurting us. She had no example on how to protect kids, she had to protect herself within her family. How it all starts to piece together.
I received very little acceptance from my parents, family, or peers in many ways. It was constantly reinforced to me I was not good enough, what I should be, or okay. My Dad loved pieces of me, the ballerina, the horseback rider, and the daddy's little girl. He also was the same person after seeing for a split second and telling him about my day would say, "Anna the short version." Seriously dude? You were not that important, you were not the president and should have been able to tolerate 10 minutes with your kid before ego'ing out. I became so self conscious about this, about talking too much, wasting people's time, men thinking I was silly and superfulous. Simple action, life time of ramifications. I won't even go into his full scale meltdown of me embracing grunge, there was no greater insult to him then not being feminine. Of course though it did not help my mom also would say to me Anna you're babbling stop talking while in the middle of a sentence, and also was made to do my Dad's bidding. He would complain to my mom and expect her to just fix things, like my weight, or wearing doc marten. I believed her that it was his agenda, but I felt so betrayed.
My relationship with my mom was so tension filled and tenuous I did not need anymore stress to it. My Dad should have manned up and talked to me about his own concerns. Often I was desperate to connect to my mom that and maybe the babbling was feeling like I had her attention. I just was trying to have a conversation. I felt so distanced from my mom as a child. She held me at arm's length because her own self esteem said to her they can't possibly want or depend on you, you're not good enough. So sad. She held herself apart thinking no one could love or need her and that's all my brother and I wanted. One of my favorite teenage memories because while I focus on the negative the good is implied but not always share.... a group of girls in 8th grade were not being so nice to me. As my mom said it was my turn in the barrel. I went to the nurse feigning illness and she came to school picked me up and took me out for an awesome day in London. It made me feel awesome. It gave me the confidence to go back to school and think whatever taunt me I dare you, but mostly I loved that she read between the lines and just got what I needed and trusted her instincts. For the record NO ONE is or was better then my mom with girlfriend fights. Seriously have issues with your friends I'll hook you up with her.
These voices still exist in my head. There are old labels I default to. Old labels of no one will ever really accept you, no one will ever love you for who you are, no one will ever think who you are is enough. I am okay with who I am and think I am enough, but when it comes to other people and interactions this voice crops up. I have to learn to understand how it's intertwined with modern day me to move into the future without it having any power. The damage is done, it's shaped who I am today, but for it to lose it's control/power I have to change my own labels.
Monday, April 25, 2011
I'm sorry you see me looking like who?
My trainer Egon and I were chatting yesterday at the gym. Sadly I went to the gym to eat and hang with Avery and Michelle not to work out. I was much too tired after Saturday's shennanigans for that. Anyway he said wow you are really looking great. I said thanks and that it was pretty cool to start seeing potential and being better with not knowing where I would end up. I overall feel very differently about my body being a work in progress and have a different comfort level. It's still weird to discuss yourself with someone like it's the weather.
In regards to where I am ultimately going he said, "Well I know where you will end up, you don't need to, I do." I did not love that statement. My body my choice right? It's a tough balancing act of letting go and letting people do what they are supposed to do to help you and not getting in the way. Then he said, "I see you ending up shaped like Kim Kardashian." I immediately reacted, I said too big, too big, mostly about her booty I thought, but really it's about the exagerated nature of her figure. It's beautiful but not necessarily what I want or subscribe to me. For once I do not have a celebrity I am comparing myself to or chasing. I literally thought about it for a few minutes to counter his suggestion and couldn't. I just want to be me and be the best version of me I can, but I found how strongly I reacted to the Kim Kardashian reference a little weird.
I paused and thought about it though and thought it about it later. What set me off is her body is so highly sexualized. There is no toning that down. It is always pure curvy sexiness. I mean I've seen the girl in work out gear and she still looks amazing, and definitely sexy. I was not reacting so much to size, because whether she really is a size 2, 4, 6, or 30 I do not care. I think it was more the sex factor. It weirds me out. I have a hour glass shape, there's no fighting it but maybe I do not want to emphasize it so much or completely play to it. Something about that reference freaked me out and took me back to being 8-9 years old and the first girl to get boobs. It sent a message to the boys of 4th grade I was not meaning to send. I think I still struggle with the physical defining me. I do not want weight to, but I also do not want curves to define me as well. I plan on mentioning it to Marisa at tomorrow's morning session. I am sure she'll have some insight on the knee jerk reaction. I'm sure she will because she always does and that makes it easier to relax, not over analyze and know ultimately I do not have to look like anyone I do not want to.
In regards to where I am ultimately going he said, "Well I know where you will end up, you don't need to, I do." I did not love that statement. My body my choice right? It's a tough balancing act of letting go and letting people do what they are supposed to do to help you and not getting in the way. Then he said, "I see you ending up shaped like Kim Kardashian." I immediately reacted, I said too big, too big, mostly about her booty I thought, but really it's about the exagerated nature of her figure. It's beautiful but not necessarily what I want or subscribe to me. For once I do not have a celebrity I am comparing myself to or chasing. I literally thought about it for a few minutes to counter his suggestion and couldn't. I just want to be me and be the best version of me I can, but I found how strongly I reacted to the Kim Kardashian reference a little weird.
I paused and thought about it though and thought it about it later. What set me off is her body is so highly sexualized. There is no toning that down. It is always pure curvy sexiness. I mean I've seen the girl in work out gear and she still looks amazing, and definitely sexy. I was not reacting so much to size, because whether she really is a size 2, 4, 6, or 30 I do not care. I think it was more the sex factor. It weirds me out. I have a hour glass shape, there's no fighting it but maybe I do not want to emphasize it so much or completely play to it. Something about that reference freaked me out and took me back to being 8-9 years old and the first girl to get boobs. It sent a message to the boys of 4th grade I was not meaning to send. I think I still struggle with the physical defining me. I do not want weight to, but I also do not want curves to define me as well. I plan on mentioning it to Marisa at tomorrow's morning session. I am sure she'll have some insight on the knee jerk reaction. I'm sure she will because she always does and that makes it easier to relax, not over analyze and know ultimately I do not have to look like anyone I do not want to.
Holy Fast Shipping
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