I will not fall prey to stress I will not

Week two of the project which threatens to throw me off the eating rails. I did better this week, more checked in and aware but not as well as I would like to have done. Such is life. I am trying to not to dwell on it and beat myself up over it, but not to the point that I am ignoring the behavior. Its a tough balance truthfully. It's in my nature to examine my behavior, but it's hard when the behavior is not something you can entirely trust yourself to be honest about. Am I really checking in and processing what I am feeling or am I hiding behind old habits and patterns? I just do not really know. What I do know is this, I am traveling for business next week. I did this same trip last year and put 2 pounds on in 5 days. 2 pounds 5 days. That's almost half a pound a day and I know without preparing myself and remaining incredibly aware and checked in history can repeat itself. It does not help either that I am going to Houston, and somewhat at the mercy of craft services. There's a lot of junk and slutty food around. Fried chicken, brisket, fresh baked cookies, and brownies, and then the obligatory after a long day drinks, followed by second mini bar dinner. I am resolving to stick to my eating guns, not succumb to peer pressure, and not eat anything I do not want to eat. I can not freak out about not being in control but I also do not need to eat 3 brownies just because they are there and I'm nervous. I spent the past few weeks being really nervous about this trip. Last year it was emotionally draining, and food wise so upsetting but I am determined this year to not let that happen. I am one year down the road with better tools and skills to navigate with. I can not control the stress or what food will be before me, but I can control how I react to it, and how I proceed.

Guilt, Accountability, and Stress

I am under a lot of stress right now at work. I have a big project going on, on top of everything else and I am REALLY struggling with emotional/stress eating. Last week I just get getting kicked, this week I am exhausted. Luckily I have Marisa to keep me on the straight an narrow. I felt a lot better after my session with her Tuesday. She made me recenter my focus and better understand the relationship between seeking control in my life and my food choices. I definitely felt out of control last week and that scares me. I don't like having so much pressure and stress on me and then the additional one of feeling out of control about my food choices. I did not realize how much eating well, exercising and taking care of myself had really centered me. Time to regain that center, get back on track and do what I have been doing best move forward. No dwelling, no mindless choices and no guilt. Guilt is such a silly emotion, but a great way to not face what is really going on. What is really going on is I checked out and no amount of guilt will change that. I got to check back in see what I am ignoring and move on. Move it or lose it, and I still need to keep losing it. The weight that is, not control.

When Being Mouthy is a Good Thing

I have a dear friend who is incredibly smart, motivated, and not afraid to tell you it like it is. I was speaking to her Saturday just catching up and we started discussing weight gain, American food culture, and emotional eating. She came from the viewpoint that it's about education. I am what I would consider well educated. My parents hugely believed in education and when it came to my brother and I they invested in our educations. My mom also bless her heart did her best to teach me good nutrition, no snack food, excess sugar, everything made from scratch was how I grew up. So how did I end up morbidly obese? My brain is whacked is the simplest answer. Somewhere along the way my wires got crossed and weight gain was the symptom not the problem. Food became my voice and outlet, it was how I controlled the conversation of what I could not say. Discussing this with my friend and explaining to her how it is not about nutritional education so much as it is disordered eating led her to urge me to speak on a larger platform about this. I wish more people knew there were more resources out there beyond gastric by pass and diets. There is a way to change your life and gain control of your eating habits, this is attainable. Now I just have to use my mouthy ways and gift of the gab to channel my passion for this topic into another arena. I will have to be public about all this which is scary, but I think it is something I am ready for. I will never completely leave this journey behind, but as I move forward I can direct the conversation and how I do that can be not identifying as overweight or feeling embarrassed about my past, but trying to help others who may want to do something similar as me.

The good news is I didn't feel fat

The bad news is my face decided to make me look like a bucket of water had just been thrown in my face. Dating is stressful. I was feeling okay, not too nervous, and had already talked myself off several ledges, and then epic face sweat of 2010 occurs. Your body always has to betray you somehow doesn't it? A year or two ago because of having a practically crippling case of self consciousness, this would have totally shut me down. Just reliving it for a second in my head would have just made me want to rock in the fetal position, but now all I can do is laugh and hope maybe somewhere he has a penchant for girls who face sweat when nervous.

Houston we have a Meltdown

I do not recommend melting down at 9am in the morning at your nutritionist's office. It makes you one sleepy so and so the rest of the day. The session started well and then I was a blubbering mess. I spent most of last week in my head, but then when I started talking things out with Marisa the tears came. I am so overwhelmed right now by the concept and idea of moving beyond defending, explaining, and apologizing, for my weight. I think dating has brought this up because it's already a pretty awkward and uncomfortable thing and it just brings your insecurities front and center. My weight has classically been a big insecurity of mine. Looks like this has not changed as much as I would like. I have made progress, grown and changed, but there are some demons still lurking in the shadows. I have to focus on the simple task of defining myself outside of my body, and appearance. Sounds simple right? It's one place to start. In the meantime I am going to stock up on waterproof eye make up to avoid the Tammy Faye Baker look. On a good note, I did lose three pounds despite being muddled and anxiety ridden because allowing myself to work through raw unpleasant emotions is neutralizing food. That is a nice trade off. I am eating well and intuitively far more productively then before. It's 100 degrees out but I am eating roasted vegetables right now because it's what I want. That is a downside to intuitive eating. My dog looks at me like really? Really? It's not hot enough we need the oven on, but I have learned the lesson that if it's what you want then it's what you should have. I wish some of the emotional lessons were as easy. I want to move forward not identify with weight, disordered eating, or insecurities, but it's not as easy as preheating an oven.

I do not care for the word big

I do not like the word big, unless it is followed by cupcake or cookie. My I suppose I will be charitable and assume well meaning brother used this in regards to me. I was telling my brother that dipping my toes into dating again was bringing some of my fears back to the surface and that while I am curvy dating makes me feel fat. He says...well you are a big woman. Excuse me? I thought I might have just heard you refer to me as big. I would rather hear fat then big. I have no idea why. I think it's because there is no subtlety to big, an absence of femininity it's like your a lady blob or something. I am a tallish girl, 5'8" and I am already sensitive to this. I will not ever be all that small. I have stayed in my head a lot this week mulling all this over. What was it about an offhand remark that made me have such a whiplash reaction? Is it being sensitive to the word? Unfortunately I think the truth is I have made great leaps and strides in accepting my body and growing to quite like it but we are still in very new territory for me and I still have a lot of work to do, my default inclination is to turn against myself and highlight flaws instead of embracing them. Dating is weird and awkward this we know but what I have to examine is what is harder to deal with, someone rejecting me for my weight or for who I am? I have worked a lot on who I am and redefining this, and it's scary to think that age old loophole of it's my weight isn't really there anymore. I also have to truly start to see and believe that I offer far more then my appearance and weight. I think as good as I feel about myself I do have my own reservations and I project this on to men. I do not know why, I do not know why I identify so strongly with my weight, but I do know now I have some new things to keep working on. Marisa will tell me you have to stop x,y and z, and what I am finally realizing is yes she is right and I do understand that I have to take weight off the table for discussion, or see I offer more then my appearance, but I think the first step is resolving to actually do this rather then saying I do not know how. There have been lots of things I did not know how to do when I started seeing Marisa, but when I was honest and said intellectually I understand what you are saying but I stumble here, or hit a wall there we were able to break it down and work through it. This is just another wall.

Back and a little better then ever

Long time no post, I was on vacation and busy turning 30! Woohoo! A new decade and one I am entering healthier. My vacation was interesting. I also conducted a little experiment and tried to truly eat intuitively. This went pretty well and I loss two pounds, which is exciting. Any vaca you do not gain weight on is a good one. On a bummer note, my trainer broke up with me. This is a blessing in disguise. We were burned out on one another but the way she handled it was not too cool. An email and not a conversation is not terribly respectful of the work we have done together, but I am moving on and taking this as a positive new challenge to change my work out. Wish me luck!