Privacy

I write this blog, but I do not advertise who I am. It's not because I am embarrassed but more because I really want to continue strengthening my identity outside of my disordered eating. It had been a huge source of definition for me in the past, whether it was over weight, disordered, all sorts of stuff, and now I feel pretty good about moving further and further away from it. I say all this because recently someone I knew from college, and was not particularly close to reached out to me on facebook. I don't really trust what this person as to say because bottom line I think she's quackerdoodle crazy. She also came at me first saying I shouldn't exercise but have curves, then apologized and said she's lost lots of weight and her mom's doing jenny craig, and then she emailed me again asking who the hot spinning instructor I knew was. Ryan is unbelievably hot, but he's also one of the sweetest kindest people you could ever hope to me. Anyway I replied back saying thanks but no thanks. That I do not want to have this dialogue with her, and that I was moving beyond this as a facet of my personality. This did not go over well and some how turned into me being a racist, ugly, ugly on the inside and not willing to support someone else. What was nice is despite the venom being spewed my way I just held my own. Who I discuss my body, weight, and struggles with is my choice. I know longer feel the need to share it with anyone who will listen and be emotionally slutty. I have a nutritional therapist who is a godsend and I highly recommend, and a great support system. At first when I started this process I definitely over shared with anyone who would listen. I chalk some of this up to enthusiasm, and some of it was fear based. I needed to obsess in order to embrace at that time, but I am very pleased for the sake of all of those around me I have moved on. I need the friends I was probably boring. Anyway I just found this entire interaction fascinating, I told her I did not wish to discuss this with her, and yet she throws back but you discuss exercise and greek yogurt on your facebook. Yes I do, but discussing my love affair with spinning and greek yogurt is completely different from discussing with a relative stranger my painful struggle with disordered eating for 20 plus years. I have mulled it over and now I shall say good bye because like other things I cut from my daily eating I also lost crazy.

Well Now What

I am still a ways from my goal weight but it's truly not that far off and completely attainable. I still have a hard time wrapping my mind around this. I used to lay in bed at night and just pray that tomorrow was the day. Tomorrow was the day I desired less food, felt less compulsive, played less games and was able to have a healthy relationship with myself and food. I have that now, most days, and it still gives me pause sometimes. It still is a surprise to me when I crawl into bed and I just go to sleep or review my day and the next, but do not wish for a miracle. I used to be caught way more between extremes. If I couldn't be a size 2 then I didn't want to lose weight, I knew even then that it would roughly take following a healthy eating plan 2 years to lose weight so of course my reaction was 2 years forget it might as well eat who has time for that. It's incredible to see how quickly a year has passed, and how much has changed for the better. No real negatives really, some emotional and draining times but nothing I regret or would change. One of my goals in choosing not to have gastric and to do the work was I wanted to feel normal and now I see normal is caring about what you eat, working out, taking care of yourself and I have achieved this goal. My disordered eating was such a tremendous part of my life that now I see the void that dealing with it has left. This leads me to now what. I have more time and now need to make new goals. I've changed my eating, mind, and body and now it's time to continue to change my life.

Peanut Butter and Chocolate is a Gateway Drug

I learned two important things this weekend. 1. For now I should avoid milk chocolate it's a total trigger food and virtually impossible for me to put the breaks on. 2. when in doubt throw it out. The voice that says nooooo lets see if you can do it, is the evil one that also tells you lots-o-food is a good idea. This voice does not have your ass or best interests at heart and should be ignored.

Patties and Spinning

1 york peppermint patty. Love these things. Really happy I had one enjoyed it, and I still have dark chocolate in house, but stayed away. It's processed but I don't feel myself craving it hugely after. Can eat it and be done with the experience. Took a spinning class tonight. I have been hugely intimidated by spinning, only super fit people do that. I am so proud of myself I got over it, tried my best and had a pretty good work out. I didn't stay up the whole time, and didn't even attempt the sprints because I was focusing on survival. I walked on the treadmill for 30 mins after because I felt unsure of my calorie burn. Going to sleep very well tonight I suspect. I bought the chocolate at CVS and it's interesting how much easier it is for me to be around temptation and just not care, or be able to look but not buy. I would pick things up think about it, and just be like nah don't want it. I feel like in some ways I am tempting myself just for the sake of it, and proving to myself I am really living like I suspect that I am. I am living binge free, I am learning how to manage cravings, I am learning how to not eat in secret, I am not only learning these things, but I am actually practicing them. It's very surreal. It was weird for me to at the spinning class to see my reflection and realize I am really starting to not look fat. Only a few minutes ago in the locker room I had caught my reflection and been bummed out I was wider then I thought I was. I just hope one day I won't care and will be more concerned about whether there is a stain on my shirt and not what my hips look like. I hate the self scrutiny. I think part of it this week is because I lost 7 pounds but I feel like from where? Where did it go? I don't look 7 pounds different, but what does 7 pounds look like. It's a mentally exhausting game looking for change that can not always be seen. I am really glad I look now more for rewards like not dying during a spin class.

Long Time No Blog

Lots of weight loss goodness has abounded. I continue to struggle and remind myself to check in and remain present. It's easy to say harder to practice. I have been having some really good losing luck. Last week I had a fantastic week and lost 7 pounds. Previously I would have felt like I prayed to the right gods for that result. Now I know I watched my snacking, really minded my hunger fullness, and I bumped up my cardio. Getting closer to my goals has really bolstered my motivation. It seems like my goals are within my reach. The real thing that is going on that is really cool is I feel less and less like I have to prompt myself and more like what I have learned has been incorporated into my life. This feels amazing. My ultimate goal was not just to lose weight but to learn how to live a healthy balances lifestyle. My previously skin tight jeans starting to sag is just a really awesome bonus.

Keep Calm and Carry On

I have learned a lot in the past few weeks, been feeling pretty good, and making some progress and putting a lot of new skills to use. Then I went away for the weekend. I planned, I exercised, I packed snacks, and still it rapidly descended into a full on food related panic. There was a lot of temptation. I melted down a smidge and then remembered it's one day. It's one day, I can eat what I enjoy, only eat what I am hungry for, and stop when I am full. A big problem I have is I still have trouble trusting myself. I still think I am one bite away from waking up in a alleyway with sugar crusted in the corners of my mouth. It was nice to quickly rebound get back on track, get to the gym and resume my normal routine. I also did not gain weight which was a pleasant surprise and important lesson. Living does not make you gain weight an eating-palooza does. Important distinction.

Less Practice More Living

I am entering a zone where I feel I am coaching myself less to follow healthy principles and I am doing them because it's what I want to do. I go to the gym 5-6 times a week for cardio and 1-3 times for strength training. I no longer do this because it will help me lose weight. I do it now because it makes me feel better about myself. I have more energy, I have more confidence and trust in myself that I can live the lifestyle I want. The coolest part about that is it influences the rest of your life and that in itself becomes addictive.