Week Two

Slowly things go back to normal. While the hurricane was one day really it's destruction made it a bit of a lost week. We all wondered around confused totally shaken out of our routines. On top of everything at work we had our primary workspace and drive, the brain for lack of a better term, was deleted. Little did we know when we got back to work on Wednesday that a hurricane had already hit our department on Saturday night. I am not even dipping into discussing the noreaster that decided to pop up and the night I had to pick up the pup from

So we rebuild. We're patient. We realize it could be worse. We whine, laugh, I offer to do interpretive dance for promos. We decide that's a bad idea. We all complain about hurricane related obesity. We get back on track. There's something soothing about everyone being in the same boat. If your apartment gets flooded it sucks to be you. All of lower Manhattan without power, trains not running from Brooklyn, people with NOTHING in Staten Island, the Rockaways, and jersey and you're all in it together. This city never ceases to amaze me at how great we are in a time of need. I've been here for 9/11, the blackout, and now Sandy. People are good, they are kind, and only gypsy cab drivers remain the scourge of the earth usually.

That being said last Friday when I went to the Knicks game I got REAL drunk. I mean like spectacularly drunk. Me thinks I had just had enough of life, and no dinner. Luckily my Knicks buddy is a good guy. He was amused considering he had to work later then me and by the time we met up I was already lit. Blurrrghhhhhhh. I blame alcohol for also telling him I hooked up with his friend the previous weekend, and that sometimes I had to take a break from him because he is selfish and self destructive. He listened, didn't dismiss my feelings and we hugged it out. I mentioned it before I will say it again he is a good guy. I saw him again Sunday and wanted to sort of peak out from between my fingers like are you sure we're cool and he was a delight. I don't give him enough credit. There's something for me to learn from that.

Tomorrow I am off to Staten Island to volunteer. My dear friend Beth, who I refer to as Beazel is from there and has seen her home borough devastated. If you want to help out, sending things, volunteering, or just take in what has happened please see some of the links below I have posted.

A former co-worker and dear friend lost everything. Including her car in the hurricane. If you've got $5 to spare she could use it. http://www.gofundme.com/HelpRiz

This is a short film about a girl I went to college with Michelle's experience in the Rockaways.

To help out Staten Island and others I suggest the below links:

https://www.facebook.com/WeLoveSI

http://www.amazon.com/registry/wedding/2NRZ5Z79QXMYX/ref=cm_sw_r_fa_wr_6Q-Mqb11CAV3R

http://www.amazon.com/registry/wedding/32TAA123PJR42

http://sisandyrelief.eventbrite.com/

One of my fave author's Laurie Notaro's friends lost everything. Not only did they lose everything, home, clothes, cars, belongings, but the husband has terminal cancer and even getting his medication is a struggle. They are currently sheltering in a Fire Station and need help.

https://www.everribbon.com/ribbon/view/9254

Captain's Log

We survived. I have never been more sick of peanut butter in my life but it did see me through. Did you know that showering by candlelight is strangely soothing? It's also a way to feel like such a loser. I mean doing anything sorta romantic alone is like oh geez how did I end up here? I have no heat though but did have hot water and was beyond gross. A hurricane is no excuse for Josey Grossy behavior.

In other news I received a card from my mom ending the cold war. It had knives on the front. Freudian card selection slip much? She has power and hot water and I think I might be willing to potentially walk into another perfect storm for it. I spoke to her today and she was practically leaping for joy at a potential reunion. I hate being in such a weakened position, but maybe it won't be so bad. She did manage to annoy me pretty quickly. She's booked some sort of three bedroom'ed cottage in California for us to bond and heal in over Christmas. I'm like I just do not think that is a good idea. She's like well you mentioned going there. Right, I did, ALONE. There's a key factor in that. A very significant note. I cannot obsess about it too much currently.

Priorities, a real shower, with very hot water. Getting the pup to chemo. Her nodes have been doing okay, not great, but then her platelet count dropped and she had to pass on chemo. She needs a top up this week but no one has power below about 38th street so I am doubting they are dealing with chemo currently. Considering their phone isn't even working I am pretty sure this is not happening.

Friday however I am Knicks bound. No hurricane is going to keep that from happening. Nope.

Any East Coasters, I hope you are safe, powered up, and warm.

the hurricane ate a building a block away from me

seriously, I pappoosed up the pup when I heard this go down. 

Not My First Rodeo

Thanks to the whimper that was Irene. I have a little knowledge coming into Hurricane Sandy. My survival plan involves a lot of vanilla seltzer, peanut butter and a fully charged ipad.

He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not, Who Cares

My therapist keeps calling me out on the fact that I am not really dating and not really putting myself out there. She is not wrong and I no longer try to deny it. Ahhh therapy, expensive honesty. I still maintain not one but two on-line dating profiles but I do next to nothing about it. Recently however I have been making teeny tiny steps forward. So far these steps forward have not been rewarded by some huge jump in male interest, much like eating celery sticks for two snacks will not result in a ten pound weight loss. Interesting how our mindsets are always with us no matter what the topic at hand is...

So on to these teeny tiny steps. Step number one, I was on my way to meet a friend for dinner and trying to hail a cab. A guy on a bike stopped me and proceeded to gush at me telling me how gorgeous he thought I was, and was there anyway I was single and could he possibly take me to coffee. At first he made me wildly uncomfortable. He described me as hot, and I immediately wanted to be like nuh huh. You are wrong sir. Instead I laughed because he was kinda awkward, and nerdy, he started selling himself, my name's Mark, I'm a photographer, uhm I've been in NY for 6 months and it was endearing. Finally I said you know what I'll give you my number. He was very surprised I agreed and so was I but hey I complain with the on-line dating that guys are going to meet me and say I'm too fat, here right before me is a guy asking to go out with me, just give him your number. I finally said I have to get into a cab, he started to get a little too much and I told him to quit while he was ahead, and he said I am going to call you tomorrow. I headed off to dinner feeling like a million bucks. He however never called. I obsessed for a hot second thinking about it, maybe I put my number in wrong, maybe he got blackout drunk that night and forgot, maybe, maybe, maybe, but what I did not lose sight of is I did something I do not usually do and that matters to me. That helps me, and who cares about him. 

Teeny tiny step number two, a dude on the interwebz indicated some interest so I messaged him. He messaged back, I messaged again and now he's gone silent. I have no idea why, but I know this it's not about me because well he's never met me. I quit standing up against the proverbial wall and put myself out there and guess what...It didn't actually kill me despite what I think. 

Step three a guy friend of mine is sort of shifting our relationship. I cannot tell if he's interested or what but he's behaving differently. Way more attentive, he's called me and who calls anymore, and been very insistent on plans. He's A LOT younger then me, like so much younger I cannot bare to type it out. Instead of immediately smacking it down, or ignoring the whole damn thing I made plans with him. I don't know what's going on, and I could attempt to negatively fortune tell but why not just go with it and see what happens. He's attractive, smart and kind and the only guy who's ever cooked me dinner so there are about a million things that would be worse then him being interested in me. Scratch that there are probably a bajillion. 

 Taking lil steps forward help me feel more confident and less like I am sitting on a shelf waiting to be picked. None have really gone anywhere, ended with anything, if the where and the thing is a guy. Sitting on the shelf waiting to be picked is some dangerous territory though. It implies you are complacent in your decisions, and maybe not happy in your life. I live my life and I like it. Sharing it with someone scares me but just sitting around and waiting for some guy to come along and just see how awesome I am is ridiculous and scares me more. I mean I know I'm awesome, but it's probably best demonstrated and not living in my head like a teen movie even though I am pretty sure life works like Easy A or She's All That. 

For Shame or Not

There's been more in the media lately regarding fat shaming, weight acceptance, and how we discuss weight. Not terribly surprisingly I have read a lot of this and mulled it over. I feel like we're in some new territory where the conversation is changing regarding weight. I like where most people are netting out in that if you're overweight you do not have to defend it. Your body, your business, your choice, fat, thin and everything in between. You do not have to make a case for even though you're overweight you're healthy, or why you like your curves, you can just be, because well it's no one's business but your own. I like this, but find it very new somewhat forbidden territory. It's okay to admit you like your body the way it is? To not defend it? To say I like my belly, or my thighs and not say what I am doing to change them or gasp defend it? Interesting...tell me more. 

You may or may not have heard of a blogger, Stella Boonshoft of the Body Love Blog who was photographed by Brandon Staunton of the Human's of New York blog/facebook page, she assumed he was going to put up the photo of her he took. He didn't. He pulled a photo of her from her blog in her bra and underwear, you can read more about it here. I could talk about how ick I think that territory is but I won't. Yes, she did publish that photo of herself, but it was on her blog and he did not ask for permission to use it, however what was pretty cool is that people responded overwhelmingly positive. She discussed the experience very candidly and her blog is very interesting. She uses the word fat a lot. I have mixed feelings about that, but why do I feel the need to rush in and say you're not fat, almost as reflex I do not question. What does it matter what I think? Her body is for her to define, just like mine is for me. If she feels empowered by the word fat well then more power to her. That is her choice, and she can describe herself anyway she sees fit. My opinion of her body is meaningless. 

Mulling over all this I realize that recently I dislike my body a lot less these days and that it's weird for me. It's weird to catch glimpses, my reflection, a shadow, vague watery representations of myself and think yeah I'm not mad at that. Not only am I not mad at it, I might actually like it. This especially has been happening with my hips. Lately I don't hate them. Lately I kind of really like them and choose to enjoy that they make me feel feminine, and unique. I just cannot be bothered to hate them anymore, and it's less because I have directed my energy elsewhere and more because I don't. I can like how I look right now while working to be somewhere else. I can like having hips and while I do want to continue losing weight not work to eliminate them. These are my decisions to make, and I can enjoy where I am not and not apologize for it. 

My body will continue to evolve through, age, weight loss, hopefully kiddos one day and it would be a shame to overlook what different times bring. It would be a shame to be too busy apologizing for what I am, or what I am not then to not just stop and enjoy it. I may not have these hips forever, I could contract some sort of hip eating virus and have a different build, might as well vamp it up while the hip getting is good. 

10 Reasons I May Need To Re-Evaluate My Life

A few recent occurrences have had me thinking maybe I need to do some thinking and perhaps redirect the ship.



1. My newfound addiction to pet shaming. I CANNOT GET ENOUGH. Please see below and try not to wheeze, cry, laugh through the buzzfeed one:

http://www.buzzfeed.com/virginmobilelive/20-publicly-shamed-animal-twitpics-5l87

Anyone or anything that likes to roll around on pickles is fine by me. 

2. I am totally exhausted today, like thought about calling out of work tired, which means I don't get paid by the way, not because I was out so late partying it up high on Fiona Apple, no because I stayed up late reading another one of the ridiculous books I'm obsessed with.

3. I found myself yelling, out loud, " Cancer is not an excuse for pooping on the rug Dumplin' Elizabeth!" not only was I yelling that, but I am 99.9% sure my neighbor heard it based on the look he gave me when I was throwing out the recycling. So now I am a horrible person for yelling at a cancer patient and my rug has poop on it.

4.

This is my proposed Halloween costume because while I cannot be positive I am 99.9% sure she is both my real mom and spirit animal.

5. I went to a grocery store trying to track down diced green chilis and it's  exclusively vegetarian which I did not realize. Actually it's not only veggie but the oldest and only exclusively vegetarian store in NYC.  I felt pretty rebellious and thrilled I have no less then 4 different types of meat on me when I discovered this while walking around. I thought the meat police might get me. #lamemeatrebel

6. Momz is still icing me out. This both amuses and frustrates the bejesus out of me. I mean really? Of all the standoffs I want to be in this is not one. Anna isolating people since 1980. 

7.  A friend in LA gave me a ring at 10:47pm and hung up after one ring because she realized it was late. I called her back and was all don't worry I'm up even though I was in bed, in the dark, reading by the light of my ipad. Did you know an ipad is bright enough to light your way to the kitchen for a lil spot of granola nosh while you read?

8. A friend sent me an email with the subject line 3:30pm on a Wednesday and the email said you're welcome and had a link to the below. I am not sure what gives me more pause, the absolute pure delight this video brings me or that someone would know that it would. 

9. I had a full scale toddler-esque meltdown when this girl at work bought the same pants as me. I loathe copycatting, LOATHE IT. So not only did she buy the same pants as me but she was like oh I bought the pants, I said huh, she goes the polka dot pants. I said cool, trying to cover up my annoyance at accidentally starting a polka dot pants club. Then today she comes in with the pants on and says what do you think, cool huh, do you like them. I said yes, that's why I bought them. I am a polka dot b, and not only that they're from old navy....hardly exclusive. Someone else please tell me you hate copycatting so I feel less like a petty baby. Lets ignore how unflattering this photo of them is, and how at work I should be working not propping my legs up to send someone a pic of my polka dot pants. 

10. I picked all the dark chocolate covered almonds out of trail mix given to me at a meeting then offered to share when it was just the lame stuff in the mix. So now I am hoarding snacks, and not sharing well with others. 

1996 Revisit

1996 was not one of my finest years and yet it seems like I slept through it. My father died in 1996 I was 16, and became obsessed with Fiona Apple. I graduated from Tori Amos understanding my feelings and expressing them better via music to someone who was angrier, and not afraid to sing about it. Musically and definitely life wise it felt like a new chapter for me.

I must have listened to Sullen Girl a million times. I would fall asleep listening to Tidal. It was one of the few things that brought me comfort. My friends didn't get it some were total jerks, and others tried to be kind, but none understood the weird place I was frozen in. I was heartbroken but not emotive. I spoke at his funeral and didn't cry. I went to school and while people waited for me to cry or show something I didn't. A friend approached me once about three months after it happend and said I see you out, I see you smile, or laugh but I wonder what's really going on up here, or here pointing to my head and heart. I barely spoke to her after that. It was scary someone saw past the mask that I was working so hard to maintain. No one really wanted to hear that my heart was so broken I felt a physical pain. That I had nightmares almost every night. That my mom was hanging on by a very thin thread and my brother was so angry and depressed he was like someone auditioning for the role of angry teenager in a lifetime movie. No one wanted to hear it, and I certainly did not want to say it out loud. I was living it, I felt like in order to survive it I just had to get through it, but I certainly did not have to share it. Numb became my safest and most treasured state. I just sort of floated through my days trying to get through and exist and then at night I would be somewhat free for a while to free something before sleeping.

I remain a Fiona Apple fan. I have listened to all of her albums, they have had different roles in my life soundtrack. Now I think it resonates with me less, but I enjoy it more. It gets to be music instead of catharsis. Experiences changing, it's need and place has evolved. I still think back to when my first love totally broken my heart and how much I wanted to go have coffee with her because clearly she understood my exact situation based on Love Ridden. That was college, I was almost 20 and in some ways that heartbreak started another chapter. One where I wasn't wasting my time trying to impress him or be seen by him. I started worry less about what he thought and more about what I did. That being said I could be totally wrong because in the song Left Alone of the most recent album she sings, "How can I ask anyone to love me, when all I do is beg to be left alone?" Hmmm...this may just may be relevant to my present day because a boyfriend would really cut into my alone time and mature young adult reading. 

I didn't decide to just go on a Fiona Apple tangent though. I am seeing her tonight and both anxious and excited. I am excited to see her live because I never have, but I am curious to see if I lose my shit. Regardless of how much I have tried to lock away how I feel, suppress, or deny it music has generally made that an impossibility. Aurora better get ready to have a hot mess on her hands, and I better put on some waterproof mascara.