Maybe I Should Wear More Green

Jealousy is not something I wrestle with a lot. When I do it's pretty fleeting and related to an outfit or something else pretty unimportant in the grand scheme of things. I think sometimes that's why when I experience jealousy it's a big ole heaping dose of it. I also think some of my own inner arrogance protects me. Me? Be jealous of her? Puhlease. We all do things we're not proud of.

What the eff am I talking about? Well there's a girl who goes to my gym who's a friend of a friend and I just cannot be friends with her. She is perfectly lovely, and nice, and seeks me out, but I am just too damn jealous of her. She's 22 or 23, and the age yes does irk me a little bit, and so does her banging body and the fact that she's really effortlessly pretty but so are lots of women and I have no issue with that. She makes me super insecure, and jealous. So what do I do? I avoid her. I make pleasant chit chat and then skedaddle as quick as I can. 

I am seriously curious though as to why this girl just irks me so much. Is it her confidence, she has loads without being gross, or the ease she sort of goes about life, or that fact that she seems super humble, or that things seem to come easier to her? Since we share a mutual friend I have some insights into her life and know things have not been easy for her and as an outsider I should not be so quick to judge and assume her looks get her a free ride in life. I know they don't yet still that gross voice in me says hmmph.

Poor girl I wonder if some lady jealousy I should be spreading around I just heap on her. I think I just wish my 20's had been more like hers? Weird since I don't really know what her life is like. I just know my perception and it's definitely skewed. I hate feeling jealous though, because it makes me feel small and petty and that's just lame. Someone else's greatness is not your flaw or mean you're less then, this I know yet I still can barely manage more then a 10 minute conversation. One day....One day I will be able to not just be kermit'ing out and green with envy. 

Eeee-moh-Shuns

A friend of mine is going through a break up and he is seriously heartbreak hotel. It's interesting though because the break up has kicked up some soul searching for him outside of heartbreak. I give him a lot of credit for the way he's looking at himself. I sure as shit know it's not easy.

 It's also exposed me to a different side of him. As much as he says I thought I was guarded before but oh man am I now, there's a wall, with cinder blocks, and barbed wire and alligators surrounding it now. I disagree. He's shared more with me about himself, his thoughts, and feelings then he has in years of friendship and not just the mushy heart stuff, but everything.

Anywayz he told me about this TED talk on vulnerability, and I covered up my shock at a dude telling me about it and made a note to watch. Then I did after I got home still mulling over lots we had discussed, and then I proceeded to watch it again, and again and then tell everyone I know about it. That's just how I roll. I get hopped up on something and think I'll just burst if everyone I know doesn't know about it. This is good and bad because a lot of people now know how good salted dark chocolate  is. Sorry, I'm not sorry.

Watch and then lets meet back to discuss, and BREAK!

Question....

Can I go out with a guy who's profile name is fish taco? I think no. Call me ridiculous, (why yes I am ) but ewww. On top of the eww, is not bothering to type out the word you, saying cute pics twice, once in a manner that makes me think you got confused and thought you were messaging someone else and in general your messages make me squirm. Not in a good way. I guess I am not totally hard up yet, or hit fish taco rock bottom.

Bars Wars

Not the good kinda of bars, or maybe they are I dunno. The work fridge situation is a little sketchy. I fear snack thievery and well it's kinda gross. This makes snacks a challenge because a lot of my preferred snacks need some cooling. Apples are my go to, but they need a friend to be a perfect snack. This has lead me into the world of bars. I have gone off and on with bars. Some are too much like candy, some I want 2-3 of, some are just too high in calories but not satisfying if I only eat half, but they are just too easy peasy to keep on you to rule out. Enter the bar wars. Below is what I have been turned on to lately. I love you are all writhing in jealousy at how exciting my life is. 

These are a great eat with something else and keep in your bag snack. I prefer the choc/pb to the coconut flavor. 

So good I almost do not want to tell you about it. Falls apart though, and clocks in on the higher calorie side with 200. I pinch of a lil bit to not finish so I can try to keep it to 150 calories. 

Seriously look at all the blueberry goodness in there. 

Delish but not as good as the blueberry. 

borderline gross and please nutrition for women? Leave my lady parts out of it. 

Not too shabby, but prefer the chocolate pb flavor. 

Some Goal Talk & A Giveaway

I've been thinking about goals a lot recently. I've come to the conclusion that vague and somewhat abstract goals do not serve me well. The ever present just "lose weight" is not helpful, or motivating. Sure, I still want and need to lose weight to be healthy but it's not the primary goal. That's selling myself and my goal achieving way too short.

That being said what are my goals? I've been thinking about them a lot and for the medium term because they are somewhere between short and long term these are what I am going to focus on.

1. Consistent food journal'ing. I am on week 3 of everything being written down again. While I loathe it I have been snacking less, and checked in more.

2. Increased awareness in drinking behavior. Not so all or nothing. The boozy mcgee weeks really hamper my goals. Aiming for no more then 4 drinks a week, preferably on 2 occasions, but less weeks where it gets away from me and before I know I've been boozing it up 4 days that week.

3. Lose 10 pounds. I am breaking down the remaining weight into 10 pounds increments. I also want to lose 10 pounds to get out of the weight loss cul-de-sac I've been in. A hard 10 pounds and then worry about the next 10 pounds with no creep back upwards.

4. Take some pants/dresses/skirt risks. I live in black and dark denim pants and I am NEVER going to get over my leg insecurities if I keep enabling them. I don't have to wear bright yellow, but geez some variation would be nice.

5. No work vending machine visits. Seriously. It never ends well or leads anywhere positive.

6. Work on mindless snacking. I have three key issues that hamper my weight loss. Mindless snacking, inconsistencies with alcohol, and lack of food journal'ing. I want to work on all three, just being more aware of how they trip me up.

7. Work out 2 mornings a week to allow for more evening fun time. I am working out with Jesse Friday mornings so I just need to work in one more morning. So far this has not happened minus Jesse mornings.

I am going to focus on these in the month of October, check in weekly and see what's cooking. If I keep to it all month then I shall reward myself with the below gem from Madewell.

I am not a Selfish Sally though, tell me your October goals and then check back in and let me know how you're doing and November 1st someone will get a Madewell gift certificate. Sharing is caring.
I don't love challenges but I do love peeps sharing what they're working on, and giveaways so that's more what I'm looking to do.

photo from madewell.com and no I won't sport white boots with it. 

Pick either of these two items and we could be twinsies!

I love pony and horse tops. It's a sickness. 

Samara, I know you are not even the tiniest bit surprised I bought this. 

I would love this grey with some neon sweet bow sweater, but alas I cannot win my own giveaway. 

A Charming Walk

                                            For the record would definitely take a walk with Jill Scott


I love charm. I am sucker for it. Charming men. Charm bracelets. Lucky charms. Alright you get it. I got a message on the interwebz from one of the more charming and normie guys I have heard from in a while. He did not immediately leap to anything gross, or make me think he might chopping people into bits as one of his hobbies. Things are looking up.

So I have two problems here, one dumb one larger. The dumb one, his offer to hang out...a nice fall walk around a park. Seriously, someone clue me into what the walk trend is?! Some friends have been like whatever that's not a real date they should man up and take you on a date. I was not even going there. I mean I had not even delved into it representing the date level value I am being assigned. Great. Awesome. Another thing to analyze. I am just hung up on why just about every single dude I encounter lately puts that out there.

My second problem and this is the one that's an actual problem is I am so seriously afraid of dating. I know I went on my lil dating binge a ways back but I was not actually interested in most of the guys so I get a half credit. I am REALLY trying to break through some personal bullshit and make myself put myself out there. Easier said then done. It's like having better body image. Easy to say, REALLY hard to practice. I would like more then anything for a guy I respect, and who's opinion I value to accept me for who I am but I am highly skeptical of this. It doesn't help that my history supports more of my side then another one. I have never had a healthy relationship, and my familial male relationships were conditional and far from accepting. I am trying to move past it and the more I try to move forward the more I see I need to address.

I want it to be my weight. I say to people the guys I want to date want a girl 20-30 pounds lighter then me. There is probably a teeny tiny amount of truth to that. I mean lets say out of 10 dudes I would be interested in maybe 1 would feel that way. Who knows but I think it's far less then I think it is and not the given I make it. I default to my body and hiding behind it because it's what I know, it's a safe and comfortable place for me. I do that well. I do not really want to actually see that the walls I built up very young to keep myself from really being with someone are a little more shored up then I'd like.

I read an article recently if you want to date someone great be someone great. I think overall I am pretty great, and being great has very little to do with what you look like or what you weigh. I also do not ask of anyone anything I am not willing to offer myself. I do not care if you have a six pack, make a bajiliion dollars, or speak 7 languages. Cool if you do, but I do not have a checklist for a fantasy person. Why do I assume any and all guys I meet have one and more importantly why do I assume I am not getting checks?  I guess more then anything I worry more about my own issues and insecurities being reinforced instead of being proved wrong. I would love to be wrong. In fact I am banking on it.

The first step is seeing that the walls, issues, and irrational cray. The second step, messaging the guy back which I did. We'll see. One foot in front of the other.

Tip of the Petite Chapeau and a Curtsy

A friend of mine on the facebook posted a link to this. A friend I wouldn't expect to but whatever that's a story for another day, and yes it did make me like him more.

Wow. Meet my new lady hero. She's amazing. Jennifer Livingston I heart the bejesus out of you.

If you're going to criticize a woman's weight ( first dummy mistake) I would make sure she does not have a VERY public and forum to discuss it on, unless you are 100% a-okay with the world knowing you're the type of person who just takes it upon themselves to criticize someone's weight. 

http://www.upworthy.com/bully-calls-news-anchor-fat-news-anchor-destroys-him-on-live-tv?g=3

What do I love about this, well let me count the ways:

1. She does not defend her weight. She does not have to. No one's business but her own. 

2. She calls the person a bully which they are and points out how they are reinforcing what is going wrong with kids today regarding bullying. 

3. She stood up for herself in an beautifully articulate way not apologizing for her weight. 

4. She reinforces and sends the message to anyone struggling with their weight you are more then it. Which we all are and can always use a top up in being reminded of. 

5. She admitted while having thick skin being in the public eye the words hurt. Words do hurt and peeps got to be reminded that the internet removing some of the person to person interaction does not remove the sting of hurtful words. Hurtful is hurtful.