When Reality Crashes In

I have been unemployed for three months give or take a day or two. I have known I would have to return to work. I mean I am not a lady of unlimited wealth so I knew the day would come. I just thought it would not be terribly soon and I might have more say in it. I was wrong.

The way my business works is it's not hugely interview driven. It's a lot more meetings and networking. It's very a friend of a friend, who you know and that sort of thing. There's a lot of comfort in this because you know the people you're dealing with or they have been vouched for in some way. It takes a little of the scary out of it. I have been meeting with people, reaching out to others, but known it's a process and not a very fast one. A friend gave me a head's up someone might be contacting me and they did. Not only did they contact me but they wondered if I could work for them starting next week until Mid-March. Sounds awesome right? It is. I freaked the eff out. I have been an anxiety ridden mess ever since. It's a pretty big job and it would be a really great opportunity. I am totally qualified to do it. So what is the problem? It's real. It's not like the other meetings where everything has been very loosey goosey and maybe this will happen maybe it won't. I have had the luxury of knowing my anna time was still very much protected. I was going through the motions, doing what I was supposed to do but knowing on some level my world was not going to change drastically just yet. I also have felt really secure in taking some downtime. I have consistently worked my butt off since I was 13 years old I think. I have never not been working so at 31 being the one steering the ship and responsible for the outcome I was more then okay with a little time off because when else am I ever going to get this chance? That being said I have done some work. A little project here and there. In this economy and with all the people looking for jobs I have not really been hugely open about my embracing of unemployment. It seems so wrong, but I think everyone is different and so is their situation. I am playing the cards I was dealt and despite many people telling me just get back out there, dive back in, more told me take the time, and enjoy it. Enjoy it I did.

I think what is setting me off into this tailspin of anxiety is I have to face what I have been avoiding. I have to move on. Real life is not taking some meetings, waffling about town, and not working. Real life is not waking up every morning and deciding your fate all day or at least it is not mine. While part of me does not want to take this job and be locked down until March I also know it's probably best I do. I need to face these fears of working with new people, feeling not up to snuff, and not hide in my little cocoon. I also know being productive is hugely tied to my sense of self and self esteem and waffling about while it feels good now won't soon enough. If I am really honest about it, it already is creeping in that feeling a little crummy because I am just not contributing much to the world currently. A few times a day I would say to myself, what are you doing? No, really what the hell are you doing? I still do not completely know, but I do know for sure I can only figure so much of it out on my own not participating in the world.

Yesterday I felt like a crazy person. I barely had any appetite which is super unusual for me, and just felt restless. I tried to figure out the cause, I went through my feelings, I talked to friends, I worked out, I ate some marshmallows, and nothing helped. Where I have netted out is change is uncomfortable. I am uncomfortable right now and it's just the way that it is. I have to sit with it. Whether I face it now and take this job should it be officially offered, or I pass and take the next one, this process will not be terribly different. It's going to feel uncomfortable and slightly weird, because for me it is. That's just the way that it is and sometimes reality just isn't sugarcoated despite trying to throw some marshmallows into the mix.

I am not proud and the whole bag was not consumed in one sitting for the record. 

Ladies I love

Model Harriet Coleman. I feel like Borat wah wah wee wah. What an absolutely stunning woman. She also happens to have 43 inch hips, and a headdress. In conclusion we need to be friends.

I can't. Makes me think its doable. 

Beauty Obsessing

I get a lot of emails about my make up. I appreciate each and every one because I love to talk make up. I've talked make up before but I do not feel like I have been completely honest in just how deep this obsession runs. I love beauty products. Love them. I am a smidge reformed considering how I used to be. I mean I used to have more products then any woman could ever hope to use in a lifetime. I wonder why my savings are meager and then look at how much I have sunk into beauty products. I'm not proud. I am better now about sticking to what works for me and not being seduced by the latest and greatest product that claims to change my life. I do however hold out hope for that magical product that completes me. Le sigh.

1. I take moisturizing very seriously. I never did and then started seeing Lulu who explained a lot of my skin complaints were related to not moisturizing enough. I started and the problems cleared up. I mean how much better do you look and feel with nice skin? I swear by extra virgin or just virgin coconut oil for the body, and Scientifica peach perfection moisturizer. 

This is the brand I like. Just make sure whatever kind you use is not refined. 

It's pricey but post 30 a girl has to invest in skincare. 

2. Lips. I love Rosebud's lip salve. This is hardly a revolutionary confession. The best thing about it is in a pinch it smoothes your cuticles, fly aways, and my friend Jen swears it clears blemishes. I've never tried that. I also love a punch of lip color. My go to party lips lipstick is Nars Funny Face. If you don't want to deal with high maintenance lip upkeep you can put it on blot it and treat it like a stain. I love to pop some Lorac lip polish over it. Check out Hautelook.com they have some great make up deals. Face Stockholm makes a great lipstick as well for color newbies. It's the veil line. You can build up the color or just have a little bit and it has some shine to it. 

Semi-Matte Fuschia perfection. 

A little glossier and more subtle. Bright lip training wheels. 

Lip survival. 

3. Eyes. My day to day is smashbox. I love their eyelight palette in flash and generally just use the nude shade. Eyeliner wise, I am obsessed with Styli-Style. It's cheap, it's stay put, and I can get it at a drugstore instead of getting sucked into a beauty counter or sephora. 

Not the one I use, but maybe should be. 

Seriously. Get on board with Styli-Style. 

4. Taking it off. I use Purpose face wash and I am always on the hunt for good make up removers. Right now I enjoy Neutrogenas eye make up remover in hydrating. It does a pretty good job and does not make my eyes hurt. For the most part though I am resigned to always having a little bit of eye make up remaining. 

Super gentle cleanser and effective. 

Pretty good stuff. 

5. Cheeks. I resisted blush and bronzer forever. Then I discovered it and for a while looked a little scary but eventually found my way. I like to swish a little bronzer on my cheeks side of face and down the nose, and then dot my cheeks with blush. It works for me. I highly recommend the bronzer blush combo. I love Kevyn Aucoin's bronzer in Natural. It's super light, virtually impossible to over apply and often available on sale on hautelook.com. It also lasts forever. I feel like it keeps replenishing itself at night. For blush I love lorac desire. It looks neon pink in the container. Do not be afraid. It's pretty sheer, but a little goes a long way so it also lasts forever. 

A lovely bronzer that does not make you look dirty. 

Doll cheek maker.

6. Hair. Shampoo and Conditioner wise I am slutty and strictly drugstore. I go back and forth between L'oreal and John Frieda brilliant brunette. Product wise, I swear by Moroccan Oil. I like to put just a drop in when my hair is wet and then a smidge more when it's dry to contain any unruliness. I recently started using Janet Waddell's genius hair balm. It's pretty amazing. I swear it's the best thing for wavy hair. It keeps it soft and wavy without any stickiness which I can not stand. I can style it or let it air dry and it looks pretty amazing for very little effort, and it just takes a drop of the balm. My kind of hair product. 

It not only works but smells good.

Genius is correct. 

What products can you not live without? What products have I maybe missed in my obsessing?!

Sometimes...

Sorry, the picture does not really do it's volume justice. 

You go for a haircut and walk out looking like you are getting ready for a beauty pageant. I love Janet who does my hair. She's amazing and talked me out of the severe bob I sort of but not really wanted to do. I seriously indulge in hair fantasies. I mean I can barely handle brushing my hair much less a style that requires major styling. Anyway, on occasion she gives me THE MOST ridiculous blowouts. I mean where does she think I am going? I feel both silly and super glam. Happily it did not start raining immediately post haircut and I have a party to go to tonight so it will not be wasted. Win win.

Now on to some updates. I had yoga the other day. It was amazing! Olivia is super great and I am really looking forward to working with her. I was also pleasantly surprised because even though my yoga practice has sucked lately my strength training hasn't. Poses I had struggled with before I really wasn't. It was super encouraging. I however did not plan to well because I had yoga with her and then worked out with Egon that evening. Thursday luckily I did not have too many plans for using my upper body which is good because it was not an option. Holy shoulder/arm soreness, they still hurt for the record.

Operation starve the crush is going pretty well. There's been some sightings and witty banter but I'm taking it for what it is. Whenever I start feeling tempted to overanalyze or talk myself back into obsessing I remind myself if he liked me he would let me know and he's not so I don't want to waste time on him. It's a lengthy mantra but so far so good. It would be really super helpful though if he could just suck in some way at least once. This whole thing though is once again making me look at my relationship between weight and rejection. I was talking to my mom about it and she brought up a good point though. She said lets say he did tell you that you were too big for him, what would that solve for you? Would you really feel better if you knew that. No, no I wouldn't. It would definitely sting no matter how much I think it is THE reason. Sometimes we like to think we know what could hurt us the most and be prepared for it but we wouldn't be. I like being able to assume it like I have it figured out, but I would hate if it's the reason because it is the one thing I am still super hung up on about myself. The rest of me I am pretty okay with and if you didn't like it too bad. The weight, I would have to nod my head in agreement. I think I am closer to giving up this rejection escape hatch. I am over it, and ready to be rejected just because I am just too much awesome contained in one girl, bear with me while I indulge in some bravado....

Food wise, I have been doing pretty well this week. No super stretches without eating, no drinking this week, and the night snacking was under control. I have actually been eating pretty boring this week. Lots of simple sandwiches, chicken, and smoothies. I am pretty exciting ya'll. I did however have a lovely sushi lunch with my friend Kim that was a lovely break from my sandwich monotony and I got to see her gorgeous face. I have to say when I get back to working full time I am really going to miss being able to see my friends all the time. I love being able to have lunch with my girls. I think I forget what they look like in the daytime.

Lets recap shall we...crazy pageant hair, crush extinguishing, and a return to more normal eating. How is everyone else finishing out the week?


P.S. I got the best text ever in the whole world. My friend Lauren from LA, she's coming to NYC next week for a visit!!!! I could not be more excited. Seriously. I might have to take benadryl every night.

Wading in the Muck

Lets see a few things to update on. The holiday was lovely. Everyone behaved! My brother informed me I looked skinny and was hardly even fat anymore. Charming isn't he? He then continued and said depending on what guys I asked they might not think I was fat either. What I learn from little dagger comments like that though is I don't really give an eff what he thinks and you can not like something, but still not react to it negatively. I just shut it down. My new line when someone says something I just do not wish to even get into is retreat. I literally said to my brother retreat, retreat, and then when he was still talking I said, " You know I am kind of in a new place where I don't care what guys think. I could be a size 0 and some guy could still say I was fat if I let them." I have learned the hard way when you give people the power to validate you, it's a tough road back to reclaiming that as your personal right. I am looking to no longer give that away and certainly not to my brother. I do totally care what guys think but I no longer look to a male opinion to give me any validation or determine if I am fat or not. Regardless of whether or not I am, I no longer identify with fat. I have days I slip a little back and definitely struggle to see the progress I have made and by no means do I think I am thin I just try not to think in those limited terms anymore.

I sort of went a little man crazy over the weekend. Ugh. Can we take a moment to discuss secret crushes and how they start out all innocent and delightful and then take on a whole new life of their own? It starts so innocently and then before you know it they breathe and you are looking for meaning in it. I decided I wanted off the crazy train after making a panicked phone call to Katie Sunday night. Usually I am not a make a frantic phone call about a dude kind of girl. I would be fine with that if most of the situation was not 1. in my head, and 2. starting to take on a life of it's own. I was so freaked by my behavior I brought it up in therapy. I had one of those realizations that is very simple but one I had never made. I seek out emotionally unavailable men. This particular one I would not describe as emotionally unavailable, but physically because no moves are being made and I am certainly not making one. I not only seek them out, but I have never not known one. I mean any guy who has ever spent an extended amount in my life has not been emotionally available. It's what I know so it's what I drift towards. I still have quite a bit of thinking to do on this front. Obviously it's easier said then done trying to squash a crush but it's not impossible if you quit feeding it. I have to starve the crush. I spoke to Katie again last night, seeking out her wise counsel and something else I said to her is I am not giving in to unhealthy instincts or behaviors but I guess I just thought it would feel differently. This is not the case. Just because you do not act out does not mean the impulses do not change. Hmmm the irony of this parallel in my many other struggles is not lost on me for the record.

Moving along, the weight is I am not going to lie to you not so awesome. It's up. How much I am not 100% sure, but definitely a few pounds. This week I am going to try to keep it clean. I was supposed to have a few get drinks catch ups and I scaled that back. I am a little over alcohol right now, and just feeling a little gross and over indulgent so out goes the alcohol off the bat.

Another thing is I am returning to yoga. After my spectacular break up with my yoga instructor I am diving back in. I totally used our split as a reason to run away from yoga. It was definitely stirring feelings and the bust up gave me a great and convenient excuse to duck out. I am excited to get back into yoga, not so excited about what it could stir up but I am at a point right now where I want to be confronting what is uncomfortable then ignoring it. Delving through the past is not easy, it's emotionally draining, upsetting, and a daily battle, but I tell you what each thing I allow myself to think about as an adult loses a little of it's power over me. The lessening of the hold makes me feel like the fears, experiences, and unknowns that hold me back from reaching my goals are not impossible to move beyond. They really aren't they are just as not easily worked through or remedied as I would like. I would love to just make a list and merrily work my way through it. Just does not work that way with emotional muck unfortunately. I get it, I accept it, and now I work on it.

Anyone want to share some secret or not so secret crush stories to make me feel less foolish? I'll be your best friend and love you forever.

Happy Thanksgiving!

I should be showering and getting ready to head to my mom's place, but why do that when you can blog and drink another coffee? I am a girl with her priorities in check. I also have not heard back from Katie about what she's wearing. That's my story and I am sticking to it.

Even though we're just eating at my mom's place outfit choice is still crucial. I try to dress up a little bit to reflect that it is a holiday. I can not wear pants too tight otherwise lets face it they are tight and uncomfortable. I can handle mom's house what I am a little tripped up by is going out after. Yes, there's a fella involved I'll leave it that. Ugh, clothes are dumb.

I am excited this year because I feel really calm. Last year I was still pretty new to not leading a disordered eating lifestyle. I was still pretty nervous about anything that was centered around food. I chanted the tips that Marisa gave me. I almost felt like I trained for the day. This year I am really not worried at all. It's one meal, one day and I have the skills to not make it spiral out of control. I am not going to let my family make me crazy and reach for another dessert when what I really want to do is tell them to be quiet. I am so happy Katie is coming. She did not join us last year and it just did not feel the same.

More then anything I am thankful today. I am thankful for all the amazing friends I have in my life, for the people I have met through this blog, for the support and kindness people have shown me, for the gift of unemployment I was given and for not being terror struck by what should be a pleasant day but isn't when food is the enemy. Food is no longer then enemy and neither is myself, I could not be more thankful to really be learning that and beginning to practice it. That being said I probably will eat more then I want to, drink a little too much (listen my family would drive anyone to drink, don't judge. ), but I will also laugh a lot and have a wonderful day because I'm getting it I do not have to be perfect to enjoy life. I am most thankful for beginning to grasp that. Focus less on perfect and more on just being. It's all you can do, that and eat turkey.

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone far and wide! Non-Americans have a turkey toast to us! What are all of you thankful for?

Lets Move it Along

It's been a little while since I set some goals. It feels like it's time to do so. 

1. Back to food journaling. I have been so incredibly off track on this front. I have not logged a damn thing in probably a month. No es bueno. 

2. Get back to yoga. Yoga has been dicey recently. I get SUPER emotional and it's super embarrassing, and distracting. I am starting private yoga lessons because this girl Olivia I know teaches and is super cheap. Problem solved. 

3. Add more structure into daily routine. I have become quite the tumbleweed embracing my freedom a little too much...

4. Better meal planning and grocery shopping. I have been really lax about this. I think since I am home a lot now I am afraid about having too much food in the house. So far the day eating has been totally fine. The night eating not so great but the days I am really bad about eating enough during the day directly affects the night eating. Lets learn from this shall we Anna?

5. Add more time to my cardio workouts. My cardio attention span got real short for a while. I up'ed my intensity and shortened my time. I think it's time to up my time a little bit to boost it's effectiveness. Especially with all the Haagen Daz going on in my belly. 

Anyone else redefining their goals?