Resentment and disappointment have traditionally been big triggers for me. I have a hard time dealing with them and I would just check out. I have someone who is causing resentment to bubble underneath the surface. The real problem is I am not able to have a honest relationship with this person. They have their own issues. They are self destructive, selfish, and to be super honest broken. This is not someone who is going to change, nor do I feel like it is my responsibility to change them. I am actually really worn out and tired by how much this person requires. I have just sort of snapped. I literally can not do it anymore. I can not laugh at the same jokes, indulge the same whims and needs, and basically always be trying to make the world revolve around them. Most importantly I can not pretend anymore that things are not the way that they are.
How do you protect yourself? I've always believed when you argue with a fool no one knows who the fool is, but how do you stay true to who you are not, protect yourself against their nonsense, and function. It's not easy. It's not easy when often you just want to yell. I just want to have a touch of the tourette's and be allowed to be as unaccountable for me behavior and they are for theirs. I would like to be able to opt out of being an adult and just behave however I see fit in that given moment because I have a bag of never ending excuses. The most frustrating thing is I never get to feel how I want to feel, because they always have an excuse. It's so frustrating and maddening.
The more I commit to taking care of myself the less time I have for those who don't. It's not a question of judgment. I am no better or worse then anyone else but I do get to choose how my time is spent. I choose not to be around people wallowing in denial, insecurities, and excuses, because I can too easily and quickly go down that path myself. I want to be around people who are not afraid to say hard things about themselves, truly look at how they behave and not how they want to think they behave. I don't want to be around people who only look to keep themselves safe even if it is at the expense of others. It's a real kick in the teeth though that we have to work and do not get to choose everyone we spend the bulk of our time with. Time to create a better force field of protection.
One girl's journey to a healthy relationship with life.
Monday, February 7, 2011
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Foods I am Obsessed With
Currently right now I am in love with the below:
Kale, can not get enough, chips, frozen, sauteed, I like it all
Collard Greens, revisiting my southern youth perhaps?
Sweet Potatoes, at this point sweet potatoes and I are getting serious
Persimmons, I went to 3 different grocery stores looking for these, and of course the last one closest to my apt had them. They are UNREAL. Super sweet, the one fruit you could have instead of dessert,
Brown Rice, boring but so easy to make tasty, found this tasty marinade at whole foods with 15 calories per tablespoon, and it makes the rice into takeway sluttiness.
Black Bean Veggie Burgers, I prefer morning star's or make my own,
Semi-Sweet Chocolate Chips, measured out I keep these on hand for sweet related meltdowns
Peanut Butter in my oatmeal, w/half a banana, dear lord it is wrong how good that is.
Hummus but made with no oil and lots of lemon, amazing and has less then 1 gram of fat per 2
tablespoons, I especially like whole foods brand.
Red cabbage, braised, pickled, in a salad, I seriously can not get enough,
I have been cooking more and more at home, and I am really enjoying it. Below are some of the things I find I keep making again and again.
Kale Chips
Kale is a total and complete super food. Packed with antioxidants, it's detoxifying for the body, and has some major vitamin and mineral punch. It's also good for reducing your risk against numerous cancers. While this is all fine and well, I find it delicious and you can make faux potato chips out of it. Super nutritious and it can be chips, it does not get better.
1 Bunch of kale
1 tablespoon olive oil
1/4 teaspoon kosher salt
Preheat oven to 350 degrees
Wash kale and cut stems off
Dry the bejesus out of kale, true story, I wish I had a salad spinner, needs to be completely dry
Drizzle 1 tablespoon of olive oil over kale
massage kale with oil, I ended up massaging the the bowl and then making sure each leaf got some love to make sure it was properly coated. If you wanted to I think you could use less oil the more you make sure they get it on them.
Place kale leaves on a lined baking sheet
Bake for 12 minutes, I turned mine at 6 mins.
It should be crispy to the touch, but not brown. If it goes brown it will be more bitter.
Dust with salt and any herbs you please. I added a little smoked paprika but ended up preferring the plain ole kosher salt ones the best.
Super Green Saute
1 cup diced celery
1 cup shredded red cabbage
1 Meyer lemon ( you can use any kind, I just happened to be theses cause they're in season)
1 bunch of collard greens, sliced into ribbons
1 bunch of kale , sliced into ribbons
Chopped garlic, not sure, 1/2 teaspoon? Tailor to your tastes
Smoke paprika to taste
2 teaspoons olive oil
Spiced pecans, I used sweet and spicy ones, about 1/4 cup, can use more or less to taste
Heat olive oil in pan
add in garlic
Once you smell the garlic add in celery
Let cook 2-3 minutes, add in a dash of water
Add in red cabbage
Add dash of salt and pepper, cook for a few minutes
Add handfuls of greens and cover so they steam and wilt down. They will fight the power. Should take a few minutes.
Once greens submit and are cooking with everyone else, squeeze half of meyer lemon
add salt and pepper to taste, and smoked paprika
Allow to cook for several minutes, taste
Add more lemon, and paprika if you wish. I am a big acidity fan so I used the whole lemon. I also am obsessed with smoke paprika so I hit it up hard with that.
Add in spiced pecans, I smashed mine up to get more bang for my buck
This makes several servings so it's nice to have for the week.
Hummus Pitza
1 pita not the pocketed kind, but more flat bread-esque, look for one that is low calorie, and high fiber and as whole grain as possible. It will not only give you more nutrition but taste better.
2 tablespoons hummus, can use whatever kind you like
1 tablespoon reduced fat crumbled goat cheese
4-6 Kalamata olives, you can leave whole or cut up, up to you, I like mine whole
spread hummus on to pita, add crumbled goat cheese, dot with olives
Toast until goat cheese melts
Slice into quarters and try not to become obsessed. This is my friend Avery's creation and I could eat it every day despite how thirsty it makes me. When you are feeling salty it will make you oh so happy.
Kale, can not get enough, chips, frozen, sauteed, I like it all
Collard Greens, revisiting my southern youth perhaps?
Sweet Potatoes, at this point sweet potatoes and I are getting serious
Persimmons, I went to 3 different grocery stores looking for these, and of course the last one closest to my apt had them. They are UNREAL. Super sweet, the one fruit you could have instead of dessert,
Brown Rice, boring but so easy to make tasty, found this tasty marinade at whole foods with 15 calories per tablespoon, and it makes the rice into takeway sluttiness.
Black Bean Veggie Burgers, I prefer morning star's or make my own,
Semi-Sweet Chocolate Chips, measured out I keep these on hand for sweet related meltdowns
Peanut Butter in my oatmeal, w/half a banana, dear lord it is wrong how good that is.
Hummus but made with no oil and lots of lemon, amazing and has less then 1 gram of fat per 2
tablespoons, I especially like whole foods brand.
Red cabbage, braised, pickled, in a salad, I seriously can not get enough,
I have been cooking more and more at home, and I am really enjoying it. Below are some of the things I find I keep making again and again.
Kale Chips
Kale is a total and complete super food. Packed with antioxidants, it's detoxifying for the body, and has some major vitamin and mineral punch. It's also good for reducing your risk against numerous cancers. While this is all fine and well, I find it delicious and you can make faux potato chips out of it. Super nutritious and it can be chips, it does not get better.
1 Bunch of kale
1 tablespoon olive oil
1/4 teaspoon kosher salt
Preheat oven to 350 degrees
Wash kale and cut stems off
Dry the bejesus out of kale, true story, I wish I had a salad spinner, needs to be completely dry
Drizzle 1 tablespoon of olive oil over kale
massage kale with oil, I ended up massaging the the bowl and then making sure each leaf got some love to make sure it was properly coated. If you wanted to I think you could use less oil the more you make sure they get it on them.
Place kale leaves on a lined baking sheet
Bake for 12 minutes, I turned mine at 6 mins.
It should be crispy to the touch, but not brown. If it goes brown it will be more bitter.
Dust with salt and any herbs you please. I added a little smoked paprika but ended up preferring the plain ole kosher salt ones the best.
Super Green Saute
1 cup diced celery
1 cup shredded red cabbage
1 Meyer lemon ( you can use any kind, I just happened to be theses cause they're in season)
1 bunch of collard greens, sliced into ribbons
1 bunch of kale , sliced into ribbons
Chopped garlic, not sure, 1/2 teaspoon? Tailor to your tastes
Smoke paprika to taste
2 teaspoons olive oil
Spiced pecans, I used sweet and spicy ones, about 1/4 cup, can use more or less to taste
Heat olive oil in pan
add in garlic
Once you smell the garlic add in celery
Let cook 2-3 minutes, add in a dash of water
Add in red cabbage
Add dash of salt and pepper, cook for a few minutes
Add handfuls of greens and cover so they steam and wilt down. They will fight the power. Should take a few minutes.
Once greens submit and are cooking with everyone else, squeeze half of meyer lemon
add salt and pepper to taste, and smoked paprika
Allow to cook for several minutes, taste
Add more lemon, and paprika if you wish. I am a big acidity fan so I used the whole lemon. I also am obsessed with smoke paprika so I hit it up hard with that.
Add in spiced pecans, I smashed mine up to get more bang for my buck
This makes several servings so it's nice to have for the week.
Hummus Pitza
1 pita not the pocketed kind, but more flat bread-esque, look for one that is low calorie, and high fiber and as whole grain as possible. It will not only give you more nutrition but taste better.
2 tablespoons hummus, can use whatever kind you like
1 tablespoon reduced fat crumbled goat cheese
4-6 Kalamata olives, you can leave whole or cut up, up to you, I like mine whole
spread hummus on to pita, add crumbled goat cheese, dot with olives
Toast until goat cheese melts
Slice into quarters and try not to become obsessed. This is my friend Avery's creation and I could eat it every day despite how thirsty it makes me. When you are feeling salty it will make you oh so happy.
Saturday, February 5, 2011
A Charming Change of Events
I have been feeling relatively good in my skin lately. In some ways not good or bad, just sort of neutral, not really beating up on myself, or being delusional. I really did not feel like going to yoga Saturday morning. It was my least favorite description of winter weather, a "wintry mix" outside and I just felt lazy. I made myself get changed, sprint to the gym and made it just in time. Almost immediately I was glad. I had started my day with my hot lemon water as per the 21 day yoga body challenge, and now most of the yoga poses I was supposed to do for day 1 were included in class. Bonus!
During class I started to feel self conscious. Usually I don't. There are all shapes and sizes, and skill levels but for some reason today I just sort of got hung up on it. It's my bottom half. I really try to get past my unhappiness about it but sometimes it crops up. I see so much change everywhere else but here. What I try to hang on to is it has changed A LOT. When I got started on this I was 6 sizes bigger on the bottom. I definitely lose sight of that just because I am not the size I want to be yet. One of the problems is mirrors. There are not supposed to be mirrors in yoga classes because you should learn by feeling not seeing. Interesting right? I was definitely getting hung up on the seeing. I made myself shake the negative and get back to the present and continue with class. I think that's what helped me have a lovely moment. I have not been able to do full wheel yet. I used to be able to do back bends when I was a kid like it was nothing. I have struggled with this an just felt so utterly heavy when I have tried. I mean soul crushing heavy. Today I thought I could hang out in half wheel or just try. I did try and I lifted myself up with so much ease I almost yelled in class I was so excited. I couldn't believe it, for realz. I was feeling like pudgy mcpudgkins a few minutes ago and then doing a pose that I felt my size had held me back from. I am not terribly lighter then when I started yoga, but what I am is stronger, leaner, and more determined.
I am determined to not be thin but to be healthy, strong, and confident of the body I am in. I felt such pride in myself and my body on Saturday. I felt this since of yes, we are in it together. It's not just me telling you what to do, we're doing it. I may not wear the size I want to yet, but I tell you want I rock a mean pair of black jeggings, this bottom half is full not half empty.
During class I started to feel self conscious. Usually I don't. There are all shapes and sizes, and skill levels but for some reason today I just sort of got hung up on it. It's my bottom half. I really try to get past my unhappiness about it but sometimes it crops up. I see so much change everywhere else but here. What I try to hang on to is it has changed A LOT. When I got started on this I was 6 sizes bigger on the bottom. I definitely lose sight of that just because I am not the size I want to be yet. One of the problems is mirrors. There are not supposed to be mirrors in yoga classes because you should learn by feeling not seeing. Interesting right? I was definitely getting hung up on the seeing. I made myself shake the negative and get back to the present and continue with class. I think that's what helped me have a lovely moment. I have not been able to do full wheel yet. I used to be able to do back bends when I was a kid like it was nothing. I have struggled with this an just felt so utterly heavy when I have tried. I mean soul crushing heavy. Today I thought I could hang out in half wheel or just try. I did try and I lifted myself up with so much ease I almost yelled in class I was so excited. I couldn't believe it, for realz. I was feeling like pudgy mcpudgkins a few minutes ago and then doing a pose that I felt my size had held me back from. I am not terribly lighter then when I started yoga, but what I am is stronger, leaner, and more determined.
I am determined to not be thin but to be healthy, strong, and confident of the body I am in. I felt such pride in myself and my body on Saturday. I felt this since of yes, we are in it together. It's not just me telling you what to do, we're doing it. I may not wear the size I want to yet, but I tell you want I rock a mean pair of black jeggings, this bottom half is full not half empty.
Friday, February 4, 2011
Water is Awesome
We all know we're supposed to drink water. This is not new information. I have been reading about it because I drink a lot of water, but I also drink caffeine and sweat a lot when exercising. Also being overweight means you need to add more water per 25 pounds overweight. I found the below calculation:
Daily Water Requirements: Drink 50-75% of your body weight in ounces. Sedentary people: 50%; Active people: 75%
I have been doing this and got to say I feel much better. My skin looks better, I feel fuller, and my work outs have improved because I am properly hydrated. One thing I really like is I drink pro-greens in the morning. I get mine from Trader Joe's and they are berry flavored. Pro-greens are pretty powerful stuff, packed with antioxidants, minerals and vitamins. I feel better when I am taking them, and my hair and nails grows faster. Why? Cause of nutrients, nutrients, nutrients. That knocks out 16 ounces of my water, and then I follow it with another 32 ounces as I get ready for work. Then at work it makes me get up leave my desk, giving my eyes a rest, and making me move. You got to move to lose I say to myself when I'd rather stay put.
I thought I was already being super water vigilant and this has been really eye opening. The way to take caffeine into account is whatever you had, a 8 ounce cup of coffee, is going to pull out 16 ounces of fluid. Interesting no? My acupuncturist explained this to me when begging me to cut down my caffeine. Before when I was really off my coffee rocker I was drinking 40-50 ounces of coffee a day. True story and yes I am grossed out. There is no way I was drinking enough water to compensate. No way. Now I am down to 16 ounces, so I feel better by starting my day with the 32 ounces to sort of start at a water baseline.
Try your own water experiment, it's pretty interesting. Yes, at first you will pee pretty frequently, but I read and have found your bladder does adjust. I am now reconsidering my plan to wear adult diapers and feeling pretty good about my water plans.
If you're really feeling super adventurous get on the pro-green train. It's a really easy thing to do/drink to boost your overall health.
Daily Water Requirements: Drink 50-75% of your body weight in ounces. Sedentary people: 50%; Active people: 75%
I have been doing this and got to say I feel much better. My skin looks better, I feel fuller, and my work outs have improved because I am properly hydrated. One thing I really like is I drink pro-greens in the morning. I get mine from Trader Joe's and they are berry flavored. Pro-greens are pretty powerful stuff, packed with antioxidants, minerals and vitamins. I feel better when I am taking them, and my hair and nails grows faster. Why? Cause of nutrients, nutrients, nutrients. That knocks out 16 ounces of my water, and then I follow it with another 32 ounces as I get ready for work. Then at work it makes me get up leave my desk, giving my eyes a rest, and making me move. You got to move to lose I say to myself when I'd rather stay put.
I thought I was already being super water vigilant and this has been really eye opening. The way to take caffeine into account is whatever you had, a 8 ounce cup of coffee, is going to pull out 16 ounces of fluid. Interesting no? My acupuncturist explained this to me when begging me to cut down my caffeine. Before when I was really off my coffee rocker I was drinking 40-50 ounces of coffee a day. True story and yes I am grossed out. There is no way I was drinking enough water to compensate. No way. Now I am down to 16 ounces, so I feel better by starting my day with the 32 ounces to sort of start at a water baseline.
Try your own water experiment, it's pretty interesting. Yes, at first you will pee pretty frequently, but I read and have found your bladder does adjust. I am now reconsidering my plan to wear adult diapers and feeling pretty good about my water plans.
If you're really feeling super adventurous get on the pro-green train. It's a really easy thing to do/drink to boost your overall health.
Weekend
It's been a long week. I am very much looking forward to the weekend. I have a lot I want and need to get done and not positive how it will all happen. I am hoping listing it here will help make me more accountable.
1. Start my 21 Days to a yoga body, this is really more get daily yoga into my life
2. Do the 8000 loads of laundry I have putting off
3. Go grocery shopping and get some cooking done for the week.
4. Make my organization action plan! All about the cloud.
5. FitPerez video, thinking this one will be about what is normal eating? I have some thoughts on this I'd like to share.
6. Mani/Pedi cause my hands and feet look prehistoric for realz. Cray cray how bad this is.
7. Clean up my kitchen, it's not pretty.
8. Attend Superbowl party with my friends from The Meaty Vegan! Really fun to be hanging with people where I know the fixin's will be healthy.
I think that's it, or at least as much as I can realistically deal with. I could list more but lets face it. It's not going to happen. I also need to get some anna time in there to get my true crime on. I have been on a real true crime binge lately but thanks to yoga breathing when I start to panic that someone will get me in the night I can deep breathe the fears away. True Crime 0 Yoga 3 Part Breathing 1. Have a great weekend everyone, and thank you for being such bright little stars in my week.
1. Start my 21 Days to a yoga body, this is really more get daily yoga into my life
2. Do the 8000 loads of laundry I have putting off
3. Go grocery shopping and get some cooking done for the week.
4. Make my organization action plan! All about the cloud.
5. FitPerez video, thinking this one will be about what is normal eating? I have some thoughts on this I'd like to share.
6. Mani/Pedi cause my hands and feet look prehistoric for realz. Cray cray how bad this is.
7. Clean up my kitchen, it's not pretty.
8. Attend Superbowl party with my friends from The Meaty Vegan! Really fun to be hanging with people where I know the fixin's will be healthy.
I think that's it, or at least as much as I can realistically deal with. I could list more but lets face it. It's not going to happen. I also need to get some anna time in there to get my true crime on. I have been on a real true crime binge lately but thanks to yoga breathing when I start to panic that someone will get me in the night I can deep breathe the fears away. True Crime 0 Yoga 3 Part Breathing 1. Have a great weekend everyone, and thank you for being such bright little stars in my week.
And the Winners Are...
My Co-Worker Kevin assisted me in my super scientific winner selection process. I wrote everyone's name down on paper slips, put them in a picnic basket, and then selected 3...I'm real classy. Anyway the winners of the super awesome snack cookbook are:
Jenna Z
D
Elle
please send me your address at diaryofaformerfoodaddict@gmail.com and I will send those books on their merry way.
This was REALLY fun, and I want to do more so let me know what sort of freebies would you be interested in?
Thursday, February 3, 2011
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