Cancer

I am both a cancer astrologically and had cancer three and half years ago. It seems I can not escape it. I do not know why I have not discussed that here. I think for some time it really dominated my life, and how I saw myself and I finally had to leave it behind. It was very similar to weight loss defining me. First there was the diagnosis, then the being sick, then the aftermath and then I was left with well now what. It was a big thing to have happen and not discuss so okay so here it goes, the cancer story...

I was 26 at the time when I was diagnosed. I had cervical cancer stage 2, and came a millimeter away from a full hysterectomy. I am very lucky that did not happen. For the record since I am already discussing my lady bits, I did not have HPV. HPV is a huge cause in cervical cancer in women so if you are young enough to get vaccinated do it. Sorry to get all bossy but seriously why take the risk. I did chemo for about 6 months via pill form. In the midst of treatment I also started a company. I took 1.5 days off work and I barely gave myself time to process what was happening to me and how I felt about it. Chemo was rough. I felt crappy about 100% of the time and when I did not feel straight up awful I was not feeling good by any means. I was really lucky my brother had recently moved to Jersey City and was unemployed. He basically made his job running my life. He did my grocery shopping, cleaned my apartment, helped me take care of Dumplina (the dog). He was truly amazing and I will forever be grateful to him for the care. He was one of the few people who didn't treat me differently and just let me be. I had friends who couldn't even say the word cancer. That hurt. I had other friends who whenever it came up burst into tears, that was trying. It was a scary time for all of us. I've always tried my best to take care of those around me and now I was the one with cancer. This did not sit well with anyone. My Mom had recently gotten engaged and now she had just been robbed of excitement and carefree planning. Now that she's divorced I feel less bad about this. I knew on the one hand it wasn't my fault, I didn't do anything, and I wasn't troubling anyone but at first I felt that way.

Most of the negative things that have happened to me I have tried to find the positive in. Cancer was a gift. The first month of chemo I was so angry. I was mourning losing who I had always been to myself. I had had stamina, been able to push through, been tough, now I couldn't walk across down, was falling asleep in the middle of a conversation with my brother, and in bed by 8pm. I did not take this well. Month one was so incredibly hard for me. I felt so alone, angry, and frustrated, and now looking back on it I could not use food. I had a hard time keeping food down at first. I eventually by month 3 had figured out what I could and could not get down, but month one it was still trial and error. By the end of month one I went to a support group after resisting because I was starting to feel pretty crazy. A woman said to me when I said I feel like I shouldn't be here I have the common cold version of cancer she said why do you think you could die any less then me? You're not safe you have cancer. That was the hardest and scariest moment of all, because she was right I had cancer and I could die.

After that first month I sort of embraced the freedom cancer gave me. I could say no, I could impose limits, I could behave how I felt in that moment. I wasn't a ranting raving selfishtor, but I was starting the learning process of how to make sure I was getting my needs met. I had previously only addressed my unhealthy needs and now I was beginning to understand healthy ones. Friends who would say oh come to the movies you only need to sit there, I would stay strong and say nah you don't get it, I do not have the energy to even do that. It was tough at first but that desire to protect myself was beginning to grow and I stopped caring if people thought I was weak. I had cancer. There was no toughing it out, there was nothing to prove I had to take this seriously and I had to take care of myself. I think this experience was setting me up for the next phase.

When I was done with treatment, pronounced cancer free I was left with a lot I did not know what to do with. Cancer had dominated my life. I had been in this crisis bubble for months. I did not know how to go from high alert to nothing. When I would do my best other people who suck me back in. I went home to Atlanta for my mom's wedding, and several people thought then was the time to discuss it with me. Not terribly cool. I get where they were coming from but, really? Really? On what is supposed to be a great, joyous night, you want to bring up cancer? Nothing kills a party faster.

I lost some weight when I was ill, but it wasn't before long I started to gain weight. I think again in reflection, that I was depressed. Coming out of the bubble was hard. I had been 26 carefree on my way to my biggest career move yet when it had been snatched away from me. Why should I trust this would not happen again. Random but related I also lived in NYC for 9/11 and I feel similarly about these two things. I had to make a decision, was I going to live or was I going to stopping living and just be afraid? I started to live. It was weird at first, but I started to make my adjustments. I had an amazing team of doctors, nurses, and support group who helped me tremendously throughout the entire process. I will forever be grateful to them to. I started to go back to life pre-cancer, pre-sick, pre/post sick, I did immunotherapy, I started to read and get interested in health. I started to value my body and appreciate that it had fought for me when I needed it to and now I had to fight for it.

I still get scans every 6 months and will until I am declared in remission. I have nightmares once in a blue moon that the caner comes backs, but now I find I forget I even had it. I thought I never would, but time does heal your body, and your wounds and when you work at it even your mind. I am not really sure if I had not had cancer would I have gotten serious about my weight problem. Cancer helped me seperate thin and health. It helped me start to realize I was tired of not feeling healthy. I was tired of feeling gross and now I didn't have chemo to blame. I thought about gastric but it is not recommended for people who are not in remission, I totally hid behind that as an excuse at first, but now I think it all worked out the way it was supposed to. Gastric was not for me because it was not a lobotomy. I know many people have had amazing success with it, but I bet they were honest with themselves. When I was contemplating it I was not there yet. Part of me also did not want to have this mega surgery after I had just been through so much. Again I was starting to protect and appreciate my body. I thank cancer for this.

I thank cancer for teaching me how to say no, to learn my limits and respect them, and to value what an amazing thing the human body is. I thank it despite it being an evil disease. I started running to donate to cancer related charities and still try to do this. I try to raise awareness about getting your annual check ups and taking care of yourself because cancer is an evil disease. I was lucky and I hope I remain so September 1st 2011 will be 4 years cancer free and I look forward to that date, but I grow less and less concerned by it. It seems further and further in the distance and like it was another lifetime or a different person. In some ways it was. It was angry, overweight, unhealthy, miserable, in a toxic relationship, anna. It was not the happy life I have today.

I tried to stay on point with this post, but I think I probably got lost in the corn maze a few times. It's interesting to reflect on something that has very little meaning to me now that did dominate my life. Maybe it's because I feel so much healthier, maybe it's because it has been 4 years, who knows, but I am glad it's become another experience not a defining factor or moment.

Another Pro-Yoga Post

I just signed up for a course via DailyOm. DailyOm is a great site if you do not know about it. It can get a little too spiritual for my tastes but it's usually because I need to learn the lesson they are speaking on. Anyway I am doing the 21 Day Yoga Body. I'm not doing this so much to get a yoga body in 21 days, which lets face it I'll take but because I want to strengthen my yoga practice. I read through chapter 1 last night, and there is a lot of good stuff here. It also plays into weight loss and leaving habits behind that you want to break anyway. I have not read enough to talk too much about it, but definitely think it's worth checking out for everyone.

http://www.dailyom.com/cgi-bin/courses/courseoverview.cgi?cid=167

Silence is Scary

My cable went out last week. This was so not bueno. I had a very trying dinner Tuesday night with someone who I should not have wasted the time worrying about the dinner on. The good news about fearing a sit down with someone who is selfish is they are selfish, it won't be about you. I had some tough things I had to say and some things I needed to be diplomatic about, I was nervous and stressed. After this I got home turned on my TV prepared to DVR the pain away. I seriously was very excited to have an hour or two of mind numbing post dinner with a side of emotion. Uh oh, the screen is all weird...The real cruel twist of fate in this is I work in production and had just finished a series of spots for Time Warner. I do not think the guy trying to help me was amused by me countering him about the triple play offer reciting the most recent voice over to the commercials.

I made an appointment to get it fixed for Wednesday evening. Then I realized I would have to miss yoga. I chose yoga over my TV. I am still a little stunned by this. I never choose something healthy over something that should be done in moderation. I also thought it was extremely interesting with all this discussion of silence and being with myself recently with Marisa this timing was extremely appropriate. If Marisa wasn't totally cool I might suspect we was in cahoots with TWC, but I suspect she actually spends her time doing cool stuff, helping others, and not taking my cable away. I rescheduled my appointment and embarked on silent dinner and evenings.

The first night I had silent dinner I freaked out a bit. I wanted to text someone, call somebody, read something, or eat really fast. I desperately wanted Dumplin' (my dog) to entertain me somehow. She refused to put on a puppet show as directed. Then I took a deep breath and told myself to lady up, slow down, enjoy my dinner and take in the silence. Amazingly I sort of liked it. It took some getting used to it but I really enjoyed it. I appreciated my dinner more, I felt a smidge calmer, and I ate much slower. I am thinking I might keep doing this. Supporters of intuitive eating say to truly be practicing it you have to eat without distraction. I sort of thought that was very high and mighty before. I get it a little bit more now. I was not ready to really focus on eating. I had checked out while eating for so long to be so conscious of it was uncomfortable. I know and better understand now, I deserve to eat, I need to be eat to be healthy, and I have to honor my hunger. I also invest more energy into preparing my meals and should take a moment to enjoy them and appreciate what I have done even though Jersey Shore is super tempting.

The cable is fixed, but I feel a little differently about it now. I love to read, and no TV made me read more again, get into bed earlier, and you know what I liked it. Amazing what you can learn when it's silent.

Giveaway!!

For Realz. I am doing it mostly because I think all of you are so grand and want to send you what we refer to in my family as love gifts. Maybe it's Valentines being in the air, maybe it's that when I get obsessed with something I want to share it with everyone...So what's the giveaway, my new favorite cookbook. 100 Calorie Snack Cookbook. I think 100 calories packs suck, they are not real food, they are easy to over eat, and they don't taste very good. I love snacks. I am truly, madly, deeply committed to late afternoon delicious snacks. This cookbook has brought great snacking joy into my life. So to enter all you have to do is this...Tell me your favorite healthy snacks, and the lamest snack suggestion you have heard. I have two, frozen peas and carrots, weird and does not sound pleasant, and raw vegetables. Raw veggies are great, but where is the fun in that? And the protein for that matter. Give me some hummus and then we'll talk. Anyway I will choose 3 peeps to get receive the cookbook on Friday. So let me know those snackies please!

What a Morning

Snow is not so fun, ice is even less fun. We have had a lot of it this year. I actually broke down and bought real snow boots this year. Changed my life, and they are also cute. Well as cute as snow boots get. Anyway....on this frozen morning I was so thrilled to have received lots of emails from all of you, and an email from a friend paying me a compliment about my writing's evolvement. I already feel a little take charge in my snow boots, they're like 4-wheel drive for my feet, but today I downright skipped to work. Giant sidewalk ice glaciers be damned! Thank you everyone, for taking the time to read, comment, email, all of it. It makes me happier then unicorns, rainbows, puppies, hot men, and dark chocolate all together. That's some deep love.

Resolution Check In

It's the first day of February and it's time to check in with my resolutions....

1. Minute is not shaved off mile, probably a few seconds, but a ways to go to the minute.

2. Lots more yoga in my life! At least once a week, practicing the breathing, and really liked the meditative aspects.

3. No real progress on alone trip, lots of thoughts, not much action.

4. Continuing to date myself, we are in deep like. I am learning how to listen.

5. Continuing to pursue the healthy life and strengthening my identity outside weight. I am less and less concerned by weight, and more and more concerned by health.

6. Another work in progress but I care a little less every day what people say or validate about me. Care a lot more what I think.

7. No cooking course progress, but cooking more. A small victory.

8. Nurture healthy relationships, trying and making efforts, peeps are busy, I'm busy doing what I can.

9. I am a slayer of the toxics. Working on this all the time, distance, boundaries, and good byes.

10. Trying to push my writing and videos...lemme know if it's better or tedious for you.

11. Doing things I am afraid of and admitting that I am afraid of them.

12. Every day I feel a little more confident and connected to me. Some days it's tiny other days it's a bear hug of self acceptance. I'll take what I can.

13. Organize my apartment...this is not really going at all. I have admitted I am not powerless but clueless at it. Marisa gave me a tip. We'll see how it goes. More later.

14. Working on reflecting me. Thinking of decorating reward system for organization. I want the bedding above from anthropologie, REAL BAD! What a fun riot of color to sleep in.

15. Teeth are in progress, practically drooling right now from said progress.

16. Get better at saving money, working on it...there's a little more left over each week which is cool.

17. Push myself out of strength/cardio zone, working on it, but could definitely be working harder. I am taking baby steps and could take larger strides.

18. Redefining goals, right now I want to be able to hold a plank for 5 minutes. It's a lifetime in a plank but I am going to do it.

19. Have not met with surgeons, but not as bothered by the skin.

20. I am really thinking about my career and what direction I need to go in to feel passionately about what I do. I have more questions then answers right now but know I'll get there.



How's everyone else doing? Or any new thoughts for this year?

Maybe I should Listen More Often

Saw Marisa today. After two weeks of not losing I was down 1.5 pounds. It felt good to be down I have to admit. I am pretty happy overall with the progress I am making in my life, but at the end of the day I still have weight to lose. I have been shaking up my dinners, getting out of my comfort zones, paying attention to my carb intake and varying my work outs. Marisa has been trying to get me to do this for months now. I just get scared. I know what I have done in the past works so I am hesitant to let go of it. It makes it easier to move on, try new things and keep going when positive results reinforce it. My body fat percentage is also down 4% since August. Not too shabby. Egon literally kills me every Saturday. I mean I am still sore on Tuesday from our work out. Marisa loves this. She is happy to hear I am sore because it means I am not in a rut but using new muscles and challenging the same ones. I feel more comfortable with challenge. I feel less daunted by it. We also talked about a technique for me to use addressing my home disorganization. Well color me excited, more tools and beyond weight loss!