The good news is I didn't feel fat

The bad news is my face decided to make me look like a bucket of water had just been thrown in my face. Dating is stressful. I was feeling okay, not too nervous, and had already talked myself off several ledges, and then epic face sweat of 2010 occurs. Your body always has to betray you somehow doesn't it? A year or two ago because of having a practically crippling case of self consciousness, this would have totally shut me down. Just reliving it for a second in my head would have just made me want to rock in the fetal position, but now all I can do is laugh and hope maybe somewhere he has a penchant for girls who face sweat when nervous.

Houston we have a Meltdown

I do not recommend melting down at 9am in the morning at your nutritionist's office. It makes you one sleepy so and so the rest of the day. The session started well and then I was a blubbering mess. I spent most of last week in my head, but then when I started talking things out with Marisa the tears came. I am so overwhelmed right now by the concept and idea of moving beyond defending, explaining, and apologizing, for my weight. I think dating has brought this up because it's already a pretty awkward and uncomfortable thing and it just brings your insecurities front and center. My weight has classically been a big insecurity of mine. Looks like this has not changed as much as I would like. I have made progress, grown and changed, but there are some demons still lurking in the shadows. I have to focus on the simple task of defining myself outside of my body, and appearance. Sounds simple right? It's one place to start. In the meantime I am going to stock up on waterproof eye make up to avoid the Tammy Faye Baker look. On a good note, I did lose three pounds despite being muddled and anxiety ridden because allowing myself to work through raw unpleasant emotions is neutralizing food. That is a nice trade off. I am eating well and intuitively far more productively then before. It's 100 degrees out but I am eating roasted vegetables right now because it's what I want. That is a downside to intuitive eating. My dog looks at me like really? Really? It's not hot enough we need the oven on, but I have learned the lesson that if it's what you want then it's what you should have. I wish some of the emotional lessons were as easy. I want to move forward not identify with weight, disordered eating, or insecurities, but it's not as easy as preheating an oven.

I do not care for the word big

I do not like the word big, unless it is followed by cupcake or cookie. My I suppose I will be charitable and assume well meaning brother used this in regards to me. I was telling my brother that dipping my toes into dating again was bringing some of my fears back to the surface and that while I am curvy dating makes me feel fat. He says...well you are a big woman. Excuse me? I thought I might have just heard you refer to me as big. I would rather hear fat then big. I have no idea why. I think it's because there is no subtlety to big, an absence of femininity it's like your a lady blob or something. I am a tallish girl, 5'8" and I am already sensitive to this. I will not ever be all that small. I have stayed in my head a lot this week mulling all this over. What was it about an offhand remark that made me have such a whiplash reaction? Is it being sensitive to the word? Unfortunately I think the truth is I have made great leaps and strides in accepting my body and growing to quite like it but we are still in very new territory for me and I still have a lot of work to do, my default inclination is to turn against myself and highlight flaws instead of embracing them. Dating is weird and awkward this we know but what I have to examine is what is harder to deal with, someone rejecting me for my weight or for who I am? I have worked a lot on who I am and redefining this, and it's scary to think that age old loophole of it's my weight isn't really there anymore. I also have to truly start to see and believe that I offer far more then my appearance and weight. I think as good as I feel about myself I do have my own reservations and I project this on to men. I do not know why, I do not know why I identify so strongly with my weight, but I do know now I have some new things to keep working on. Marisa will tell me you have to stop x,y and z, and what I am finally realizing is yes she is right and I do understand that I have to take weight off the table for discussion, or see I offer more then my appearance, but I think the first step is resolving to actually do this rather then saying I do not know how. There have been lots of things I did not know how to do when I started seeing Marisa, but when I was honest and said intellectually I understand what you are saying but I stumble here, or hit a wall there we were able to break it down and work through it. This is just another wall.

Back and a little better then ever

Long time no post, I was on vacation and busy turning 30! Woohoo! A new decade and one I am entering healthier. My vacation was interesting. I also conducted a little experiment and tried to truly eat intuitively. This went pretty well and I loss two pounds, which is exciting. Any vaca you do not gain weight on is a good one. On a bummer note, my trainer broke up with me. This is a blessing in disguise. We were burned out on one another but the way she handled it was not too cool. An email and not a conversation is not terribly respectful of the work we have done together, but I am moving on and taking this as a positive new challenge to change my work out. Wish me luck!

Don't Come Around Here No More

I never ever thought I would say this, but I am over being fussed over about my weight loss. I appreciate people who keep it at a simple you look great, or you look so happy and healthy, there are variations I can handle and I feel very fortunate to hear and receive as compliments. I am not a total compliment scrooge, and I agree with what my mom says it would be weird if people did not acknowledge it at all.However, there are those who touch you to demonstrate how your waist has changed, or use their hands to emphasize the shrinking of your bum. I do not care for this. I used to feed off that, tell me more, how much smaller, and now I just don't enjoy it. I started thinking about this and realized part of why I do not enjoy it is because I no longer identify solely based upon my weight. I no longer think the only thing worth discussing with me is my weight or the only thing of value surrounding me is weight loss. It's that or I am just an ingrate, but I would like to think it's that. I also just don't want to discuss it with everyone and their mom and people who I have not seen in 5 years want me to spill my guts. No thanks this is a party not an intervention. Often the people who ask me the most questions or make the most inappropriate comments go through life this way and have other issues that are theirs to solve not mine, but it still gets annoying. It makes me very excited to get to my goal weight stay there and let my weight loss be old news.

What I have Learned Thus Far

1. There is no good food or bad food, just choices, everything has a place.

2. Water, exercise, whole grains, and fiber are your new best friends and very rarely will let you down.

3. Food journaling and journaling in general are very helpful. It really helps the whole get honest and accountable phase of adjustment. I get it it's annoying but try keeping a journal on your phone. It feels less obvious and it's easy to do on the go. I have been more successful emailing myself then using a traditional journal. It also helps me on the spot make better choices knowing what I have eaten that week.

4. When you get honest and lose being defensive you lose more weight. Amazing how that works. Own your choices, and behavior good and bad, when you give permission you start to see patterns, take ownership and be well more equipped to drive the boat. It's actually pretty darn cool. Scary, but cool. No one likes to write down 3 tablespoons of nutella. I didn't want to but it's not like Marisa judges what I eat she just wants me to write it down and know I am checking in. Your journal is for you no matter who reads it. Marisa my nutritionist reads mine but to say what up with the constant snacking, or the lovely advice of eat more based on how you are exercising. I can not hear enough I need to eat more.

5. In order to maintain a healthy weight you need to devise a support system, and a way to manage every day stress. Food can not be your outlet. This is a hard and scary process. It's always been where you went. I started to recognize there was healthy and unhealthy me and I had to start listening to healthy me more in moments of stress. Junk food will not and never has solved my problems. It just created a new one. My support system has evolved in this process, I have Marisa who is the main source of guidance and support, my trainer who kicks my bum, and I hugely believe in acupuncture. Kymberly Kelly is one of the coolest most talented ladies and she helped boost my weight loss and calm my anxiety. Invaluable. My friends and family are very helpful but it's a tricky area there is only so much I can and will discuss with them. I am not open to advice as weird as that sounds because my place to discuss this is Marisa and the two other ladies listed. I share with some close friends but for the most part I have closed a huge chunk of the conversation because I have finally learned weight is a personal and private issue.

6. Know thy triggers, they are sneaky, ever changing, and insidious. On occasion they are worth it, for me nine times out of ten they are not. Peanut butter Reese's I am talking to you.

7. It's a long road to change your life not a diet so be patient with yourself and the process you can and will get there. I am 6 months out from my goal and that will put me at 2 years worth of work that has flown by and for the most part been really cool and fun. Some very hard dark challenging moments yes, but thanks to the support system manageable.

8. There will be bad days and weeks where you just do not have it. These are not cause for panic. Last week my exercise game was totally off. I did what I could adjusted my eating accordingly and still loss 1.5 pounds which was pretty cool. Not a reason to keep eating ice cream sandwiches this week but a relief to see I can exercise two less days and the world does not end.

9. Start trusting yourself, you can make decisions and reconnect with your body and know what is best for it. It just takes time. There is no better authority or expert on you then you.

10. Resolve never to diet again. It is hard behavior to lose, but the freedom that comes with shucking this line of thinking is indescribable. I highly recommend it. After dieting for 23 years I will have an occasional slip up after learning new behaviors for a year and a half. Pretty good figures really when you think about it. The mind can be reprogrammed and if you want to think about yourself, body and eating habits in a more positive light your brain is happy to do so. Diets make you feel like a failure, do not work, are not sustainable, they do not address any emotional component of weight gain or loss, and are generally crap. They are not based in just good old fashioned nutrition. I eat dark chocolate almost every day or night and have lost a ton of weight most diets would say to chuck the chocolate. Proof right there that it's crazy talk. Life without chocolate is sad.

Old Friends New Habits

I have been lucky for the most part. My friends have been super supportive of the changes I have made. They have listened, supported, comforted, lifted me up when I needed it and flagged my crazy when I was desperately in need of that to. I had an experience recently that wasn't awful but left me unsettled. I saw an old friend, one of my oldest actually, who has gained a lot of weight. How much I do not know, but enough to be more then a blip on the radar and more a Houston we have a problem. I can be honest enough to admit a few years ago this probably would have not pleased me but made me feel less alone. Now it does not affect me really except for she had not seen me in a quite and while and I am easily the thinnest I have been in 15 years, and we've been friends for 18. This was not easy for her. There was some passive aggressive behavior, a comment or two, and me being left feeling confused, unsettled, and then well it's her problem not mine. The one positive about when these things happen is I am left with a lesson and more tools to deal with what lies before me. Women are competitive by nature. This is not a new idea, but most of my girlfriends are not. I have one or two, but that's their thing not mine. This friend happens to be competitive and I wonder if my weight loss bothered her more on that level then it did on a weight loss one. Who knows. I could muse about this forever, but what I come back to time and time again is I am doing this for me. Not to upset others, threaten them, for them any of that. For the first time in my life I am getting healthy because I want to and believe at this point in my life it is what I need to be doing for myself. It's a cool thing because besides helping me be more successful it keeps me grounded.