Discipline vs. Deprivation

A friend recently complimented me on being able to make it to the gym at night. He recently began working in production and is finding it challenging. He said, "Production's exhausting, how do you make it here at night, it's really commendable." While flattering, I replied with, "Dude, what I lack in discipline I make up for in stamina." I am not a hugely disciplined person. I see this in many areas of my life. What concerns me recently is the lack of discipline with food. I can't be bothered to measure, I can't be bothered to ask for dressing on the side, I can't be bothered to steam some greens, the list goes on. I could blame the holidays but that would not be the truth. This is not new or holiday related territory. 

I think often I confuse discipline with deprivation. I get very protective over my food, routines, and resist changing them. I immediately fear feeling deprived or like I am on a diet. I use this fear as a way to delay change. Oh I dunno if I give that up I might react poorly. Fear isn't reality and if I don't try it I'll never really know now will I. Holding myself accountable and being honest about my intake is not the same as being deprived. I mean lets be real I want for nothing, what baby wants, baby gets. I am quite possibly the furthest thing from deprived. I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, but I think I do not push myself hard enough to find out what my limits really are. I stay safe in my routines, I draw my lines in the sand of I am NOT willing to part with x. I really have no idea if this is the truth or what I want anymore. Is dark chocolate at night really worth more to me then feeling strong, healthy, and comfortable in my body? Am I really gaining or winning anything by holding on to these things? I think not. 

I went shopping recently and got so frustrated by my reflection. Not because of my weight, or my body shape, but because of lumps and bumps. I immediately would think about what shapewear I could bust out to alter my reflection, what layers could I work in to skim over what I did not like,  and what annoyed me most is I have the power and ability to alter that reflection. I do have the skills and capability to get rid of that back fat that drives me bananas. What I am lacking is the discipline. I know all to well how this all works and yet I just ignore that key piece of information. 

I'm worn out for sure, but I think what I am worn out mostly from is treading water. It's the soothing of myself that where I am is okay and don't get me wrong it is. I like myself, I like my body, I value it, I think both me and my form are pretty cool, but I don't have the energy to pretend like I'm done, or completely satisfied with it. 

That being said so far what I am going to try is bringing my lunch to work so I know exactly what I am eating, and I stepped up my training to 3 times a week. I want to push myself to think more in terms of discipline and what is a pro-goal and pro-me choice and not immediately default to feeling deprived. I am not a child at the dinner table anymore who's mom is saying do you really need that? There's no judgement or rules, so I cannot lose sight of my goals and what I want for myself because of old baggage. Discipline's voice can be louder then baggage's.