Swing This Way Swing That Way

The last two weeks have had some up's and down's. The problems were mostly in my head which sucks. The good thing is talking about it, reaching out to the peeps around me, and challenging my thoughts has been working.

So what was going on, I just felt super negative. I felt very body dysmorphic feeling "enormous" and "fat" and it happened swiftly and overnight. I was majorly comparing myself to other people, very jealous of anyone thinner then me, or achieving their own goals. This came on really quickly and out of nowhere. 

I brought it up with my nutritionist and she gave me a really helpful and calming explanation. She explained, because I'm under stress at work, and in my personal life, I have a lot of emotions surfacing, which I am managing in a healthy way but when we're emotional we can feel burdened and heavy, this in turn for someone with a history of disordered eating can make them feel physically heavy and body dysmorphic. A ha! There was a lot of truth in this for me. It also helped me when I felt clouded by negative thoughts to decipher what was real and what was not and how to address either. 

Another thing I did that was super helpful was increased my self care. I've been taking these detox baths because my skin was freaking out because of winter creeping in. HUGELY suggest it. 1 cup epsom salts or dead sea minerals, 1 cup baking soda, essential oils if you want, and fresh ginger if you can be bothered. I cannot. Soak in that for 15 minutes, I follow up with AmLactin lotion to help keep the flaky skin away. Do not use this on legs you have just shaved unless you want to contemplate dying. My skin feels pretty dreamy with this combo and my mood's improved. Epsom salts I found out are also mood improving so there's that to.

To try to keep swaying things back to the healthy side and less the self loathe-y I concentrated on staying on top of my self care, not comparing myself to others, and boosting my cardio as I've been in a rut and bored. I do feel a lot better. Far calmer, and more grounded. Feeling present is a day to day thing, and that's cool. For me the only way to be balanced is not fight and accept that I swing between extremes. I feel awesome, or I feel awful. When I swing one way or another I have to go what's up and then I can meet in the middle. Self acceptance for the win! And epsom salts, definitely epsom salts win.

So much living too little sleeping

Straight up I am just not sure what to talk about lately. I have all these things I want to write about and then I get overwhelmed and tired.  Life's been busy. Great busy, but I'm tired. Kinda the story of life right? What have I been doing, well why I would tell you when I can do a list!
I L-O-V-E a list.



1. I booked a trip to Australia! Biggest news in my life for realz right now. I'm only going for a week which peeps keep giving me flack for but whatever, I AM GOING TO AUSTRALIA which I yell like a kid with poor voice modulation at least once a day.


2. Okay, I caved and like I predicted have lost my life to Breaking Bad. In two weeks I am up to Season 5. I feel like I am finally part of the club.

3. Sweet potato ice cream with marshmallows. It's amazing and horrible this exists. I want it all the time. GET INTO MY FACE.


4. Basketball is back and in an attempt to better self regulate and self care I am only attending one game a week. Season opener I got home at 4am. This is going to be tricky.

5. Struggling with body image lately. For no reason at all I just feel really self conscious and big. Staying positive minded is tough and a day to day thing I try to remind myself.

6. Reading The Interestings, highly suggest it. So good.


7. Making these, but I generally ditch the bread because I am lazy about buying baguettes.

8. Spending lots and lots and lots of time with my girlfriends lately which has been the bees knees. Aurora and I worked out with Jesse last Saturday, got brunch after and then went shopping. Best Saturday ever. A bunch of us hung out to cheer a friend in the marathon on which was super cool. It was also super cool seeing 46,000 different people running a marathon. No two marathoners were truly a like. Very inspiring.

9. Saying no to things I do not want to do. Not getting the guilts and not being a martyr. Sometimes you just don't want to do something.

10. Trying to figure out how to open myself up more to dudes ( I know, I know this is not new information) and not automatically make guys friends to avoid rejection. I need some risk and rejection in my life.


What's everyone up to? Loving fall? Already in winter? Does everyone love the embellished sweatshirt trend like I do? Seriously...it's a problem.

Crazy Ideas

I've been losing weight steadily for about 12 weeks now. My weight has either maintained or been down. Some weeks by a few pounds, others by a half, but the direction has been the same. What have I been doing? Well.....I've been listening to the people that I have entrusted to help me. I have been humble and open. Happily this is paying off.

Jesse and I did measurements yesterday and I am down an overall 11.75 inches. Almost a foot has left my body in the past month. Granted, I have been super sick for the past two weeks so I am not totally myself, but while I was happy it did not change how I felt about myself.

This losing streak has not really played into how I value myself. I do hope it continues but some of what I have been doing is the below and for right now, in this lovely little moment it's working for me.


Current Body Plan:

1. Working out because it feels good to move my body, feel strong, and sweat.

2. Eating what I want and not being afraid of food. Reminding myself I can have whatever I want        whenever I want.

3. Not beating myself up or judging behaviors. Accepting my nature and behaviors to better work with     myself and not against.

4. Staying mindful and present for better self care and awareness.

5. Taking care of myself, and thinking about what do I need? What is healthy for me?


The better care of myself I take the less desire I have to manage my life, and feelings whatever you want to label it as with unhealthy behavior with food. It's not always the sexiest of work but it does feel rewarding for hot second.

Katy's Miracle Marathon Journey

I love, love, love when people email me. I really do. I especially like when readers let me know who they are. It seriously gets boring only talking about yourself. Anyways, Katy who has commented in the past sent me the below email. I think what she's doing is awesome and I am happy to help spread the word. Hopefully some people can help and encourage her.

In Katy's own words:

I am emailing you to share some information regarding a fundraiser that I am doing for the Children's Miracle Network. Please feel free to disregard this email if you find it inappropriate. I am just trying to find a way to reach as many people as possible as this is a great fundraiser for kids and is very close to my heart. I completely understand if you don't feel comfortable sharing this information, but just in case I have listed the information below. Thank you in advance for taking the time to read this!

I am on a mission to get out, get moving and save kids' lives, and I need your help!

I have joined the Miracle Marathon journey, and throughout October I will not only be moving for 27.2 miles, but also raising funds for my Children's Miracle Network Hospital.

Please support me by going to the following link:

http://www.miraclemarathon.org/index.cfm?fuseaction=donorDrive.participant&participantID=1568

All donations are tax-deductible and collected securely by Children's Miracle Network Hospitals. 100% of the proceeds go to my local MU Children's Hospital.

Since a traditional marathon is 26.2 miles, Miracle Marathon adds a special touch by adding one more mile "for the kids." Over the course of 27 days, we are going to complete one mile per day by walking, running, dancing, skipping or just moving to reach that goal. It's a marathon - plus an extra mile - for the kids!

I sincerely hope you will support my Miracle Marathon journey.

No Man's Land

Sometimes I feel like I am in this no man's land. I'm not really fat but I'm not really thin, I'm not really plus size, but I'm not really straight sized either. It can be frustrating if I let it get to me but lately I just overall feel really positive. Lately I feel very present, and aware that there is nothing wrong with me. 

I am fine just the way I am, and I am fine wanting to move forward. The best way to get out of no man's land is to not let yourself hang out there. 

Telling myself I was in this place was mentally keeping me there and holding me back. I wasn't in some weird zone of am I or am I not okay. The outline of my body doesn't really determine my place in life. My attitude does. 

I find myself lately thinking about kindness. How much I value it. How much it can shift things and how easily it can be practiced. I have made a more pronounced effort to treat others with kindness and the super cool thing is it's making me treat myself with more kindness. It's making me take a step back and just look at my actions or motives. Not judge them, just go so what's this about. Two weeks ago I was working 20+ hour days, and one night everyone was tired, grumpy and over it. We ordered pizza. When in doubt feed the crew. I thought about it, because when it's pizza delicious. I took a beat and just said are you hungry, no, I'm cold and the pizza's hot. Cool, so really what you need is something warm, would tea suffice? It did. Not beating myself up or criticizing my impulse made me actually suss out and get what I wanted. 

I've been snazzy'ing up my outfits, taking time to blow out my hair in the mornings, getting to the gym and generally prioritizing self care and the things that make me feel good. The best part about this is I am doing the because they make me feel good. I am not doing them to ingratiate myself with society, or be more appealing to men, or because I feel the need to apologize for not being smaller. I am okay with taking up space, I am okay with garnering attention, I am okay with my outside matching my inside. 

I feel good and that is a good thing. I don't have to apologize for it, couch it in anything, or defend it. I'm just gonna let it ride. I don't feel this dramatic almost manic upswing I just this sense of yeah, I'm not perfect but I am a-okay with it all. 

Deep side part, don't care. 

Pilgrim Puritan Realness. 

You can't see the elephants on this dress, but I love them. 

It's Been Seventeen Years

Seventeen years ago today my Dad died. He's officially been gone longer then I knew him. My Dad's death doesn't really make me sad anymore. It's been incorporated into my life. It's become my normal. I read once that grief is like a window, sometimes you get it almost shut and other times it flies open. That window flies open less but it's still never all the way closed.

I think one of the hardest things about losing someone is that life goes on. That life moves forward without this person who was so significant to you. After he first died I used to think how can this be? How can people be outside laughing and going about life like it's the same? The contradiction nearly broke me those first raw weeks.

I've spent a lot of time reflecting on my relationship with my father the past few years. The good, the bad, the impact, his death and while there's been moments I just wanted to put it in a box and move on I am glad I didn't. Exploring what he meant to me, and how he affected and shaped me lets him live on. He was complicated and flawed like just about everyone, but he let me see some of the best people are. That they deserve your time and patience, that their love can be rewarding and I guess most importantly seventeen years later post his absence enduring.

I don't really remember his voice anymore. If I close my eyes and concentrate real hard I can bring up a vague idea of it. I can hear it in memories. These losses used to crush me and I would cling to them harder. If I forget then he's really gone. Regardless of if I remember he is gone. That's what you have to live with. His voice doesn't really matter. The ways I see him in my life do, the fact that he did exist does.

I'm a lot like my Dad. I'm ambitious, hard working, practical and utterly ridiculous all at the same time. I'm also compulsive, have a tendency towards addiction, and self destructive. How much is him and how much is me who knows. I used to feel this pressure to be more like him to honor him but it doesn't really work. You do have to move on and live for you. I carry him in my heart and that's really the only he can stay forever.

I also inherited his trait of never looking directly into a camera. 

Relax and Be Yourself

I feel like lately on the blog I like to state and explore really trite phrases people trot out. I have found though part of why I hate them so much is because there is more truth then I care to admit. Lately I have been just relaxing and being myself. For the most part it's making me happier, more relaxed and I am benefiting from it. Why is it so hard to do and why do we avoid it so much? I know for me so much of it comes from fear and just plain ole not liking the answer right in front of my face.

I can't relax with food because what if I lose my shit and eat all the things? When I take a honest look at my behavior and how I eat I see this does not really happen. It's a self imposed fear myth I make myself live under that is not reality. When I relax and be myself I eat pretty well because it makes me feel better. These days and past few years if I take a break from criticizing myself I value what makes me feel better more, not because it's pro-weight loss or "good". I define eating well as mostly whole foods, with a mix of protein, fat and carbs, minimizing the processed and mindless. When I stay checked in and focused on what do I want and what makes me feel good, I don't want all the brownies, and the candy. I really don't. Someone offered me half a brownie yesterday and I said no and I didn't praise myself for it, or think I had done some unbelievable thing. I didn't want it so I didn't eat it. I can have a brownie whenever I want so why eat one when I don't? Plus I'm a brownie snob not a brownie slut. Get the brownie you actually want when you want a brownie not the first one that comes a calling.

As for the life....the crush I wrote about...well I'm finding my way. I haven't just shut it down. His attention is still around and I still do not completely know what to do with it. We text most days, we see each other often and I am just relaxing. I have no idea what it all means. I am just going to be myself. This weekend that included post a few drinkies asking him to hang out. He had plans but I put myself out there. I saw him the next day and was tempted to feel dumb and foolish. He teased me a bit because he knew I was tipsy, but I thought why are you feeling dumb? Do you regret it? No. He said he already had plans but wished he could co-conspire, why are you being weird? I want immediate gratification for taking a risk and that's just a really good way to stop taking risks because that isn't really the deal. You just have to take action don't ya? Can't really worry about the outcome unfortunately.

What I am not doing which has been a negative pattern is changing myself to force the result. I am not playing to anything, I am not trying to be better, smarter, funnier, whatever quality I ID myself to be lacking and them wanting that is completely made up in my mind. I don't know what they're thinking, I don't know what I should be more of. I really don't. The only thing I can do and do well is be myself. If I just relax and try not to control the outcome, or force the result I am my best version of myself. The best thing about being that version is generally it attracts and brings the things into my life which should be and belong there.