Sad News

My friend who's father was very ill passed away yesterday. I am attending the funeral tomorrow and look forward to being to see my friend and hug him. I will not be attending the grave side ceremony. I feel like that is something very private. While I know his family well and would not be out of place I just do not feel comfortable with it. I also HATE the graveside part. At my own father's funeral that was the part I just melted down at. I could not watch him be lowered into the ground. I felt like I should watch like it would help me or something, but it did not. I had to turn away.  For me it's not the return to earth, it's that you are leaving them. The person you love is now alone and you have to leave them there. It's the leaving that tore me up and continues to affect me for others.

My friend's father was a great man, and I feel for his family. It is such a loss for them. For my friend it's not only his Dad he lost, but his best friend, confidant, and one of the better men I have ever had the privilege to know. I know he can get through this and will but I hate that he has to.

It's put my own stuff into perspective and makes me happy family is visiting this weekend so I can just be around them, love them, and be present with them.

Fear List

I used to have a lot more fear, not so much anymore. Does not mean I live fear free. I have been going around in a cul-de-sac of weight loss. I get to this one point and then I either hang out here, or I move a bit back up. I am back at this place again. I have switched my mindset over a bit of not being obsessed and consumed by weight loss. I am more about living a life style, but have I become too comfortable in this life style? Also are there fears that hold me back? Fear is not rational but that does not mean it can not muck up your life or goals. When I first started with Marisa, she stressed the importance of giving fears a place so they did not dominate the space in your mind. Writing them down helps, and I have gotten out of this habit. I fear less and less, but that does not mean I do not fear things at all. I journal less for myself and blog more now for accountability, so why not share my fears with you? So here's the fear list.

1. I am afraid I will not get to my goal, whatever that is.

2. I am afraid of what life post weight loss is. The past few months are the closest I have come to not having a life which revolves around weight loss.

3. I have never maintained a healthy weight. Ever. This scares me.

4. What else will happen to my body. Things have changed a lot and every time I feel like I connect to and get to know it, it changes. For better and worse.

5. What else will I have to change or give up to move forward?

6. What emotional landmines are waiting for me? Will anything else come up?

7.  How much longer do I have to keep doing this? Time scares me. I feel like I wasted so much time hating my body, myself, my eating habits, food, I just want time to be all mine and not centered on me physically. 


These are what come to mind now. I am sure there are others. There are things I am happy about though. In the past weight loss has been stalled because I settled. I said this is good enough, and not for very good reasons. I could wear more clothes then I wanted to, a boy liked me, my mom left my alone, and I felt socially acceptable. All of those reasons except the clothes are utter crap. My mom has never been more proud or supportive and could not care less where I end up because it's my body my choice. I do not care what a boy thinks, well that's not true is it. I do care, but how I look and how I feel about myself is not determined by whether or not one likes me. As for society, that also matters not to me. I "fit in" I suppose. I do not feel outside it. What matters most to me is what I want. I want to be at a weight I stay out or around the rest of my life, and I want to maintain that weight in a healthy, disordered eating free manner. The good and bad news is I know I can do it. I know I can get there, I just have to keep doing the work. The work is not always clear, like right now I am not sure what holds me back, but I know asking myself is the first step to figuring out what that is.

Need a Change

Well I have changed a lot and keep changing. I've left behaviors behind, adjusted my new ones, but one thing remains the same. My hair. I usually keep it long, I go back and forth between bangs mostly because 1. I am lazy and let them grow back and just pin them back during regrowth, 2. because my hair is wavy no one will give me the bangs I actually want so I get weird side hair curtains instead so I grow them out. I used to be blond back in the day and take hair risks. Not so much anymore. I have found someone who can handle my wavy hair and not give me some sort of rocker mullet so I stay with her but I am in a rut. I like my hair long because other wise my face looks sort of squashed so I'm thinking no on some sort of dramatic chop so that leads me back to color. I need the below girls hair. I don't want it I need it. I've always dug roots and when I was transitioning from blond back to brunette I had ombre hair before it was cool and LOVED it. I just want to look like I surf all summer and do not have time for hair cuts. Not too much to ask really.

Side note, the terribly out of focus blond picture is one of my oldest friends Dana and I the morning after her wedding when I ended up having to stay an extra night in Philly I was so hungover. Yeah, the wedding was that fun. When I moved to England and started 7th grade she was my first friend. I love this photo, blurriness and all, almost as much as I love her.


Hair Lust:

this is from Cat Wallace at a luverly blog I recommend:

http://littleplastichorses.blogspot.com

Let me just save us both some time

I have written about my ex before. He has this unbelievable knack for popping up on my radar when I have turned different corners about him. For the record I did delete his number, but his new trick is blocking it so I answer unknowingly. It's like him, sneaky, insistent, and no regard for boundaries.

It's been about 2 years since we broke up, and it's been probably a year since I have seen him. I've moved on. I wasted enough time floating along on that drama cloud. He has been calling me lately and it's weird. It's like time has frozen for him. He talks about getting a job, getting his life back together, us and more. It's absolutely insane to me. I am beyond not tempted, I am just neutral. I am not angered by his ridiculous fantasies that the past could be rewritten or he could change. He can't, because in order to change he would have to admit there was a problem, and once in almost 5 years he was capable of that. Once. His admittance to when realizing he had been a rather crap boyfriend when I asked why he didn't just let me go was I loved how you made me feel. That to this day is just something I can not un-hear. I can not pretend that someone I thought I loved, supported, and lost myself totally in only loved me in terms of themselves. To his defense I did partially design it that way. He didn't know me and the parts he did were fragmented and still some what doled out at my discretion because on some level I always knew I couldn't trust him with my feelings. We had an emotional power struggle for over 4 years, let me tell you from experience this is thoroughly exhausting and should be avoided at all costs.

I do not love him anymore, have some doubts about whether or not I actually ever did, and just want a lot more from my life and loves. I guess what I wonder now with him laying some groundwork before he is back in town in May is does he have any place in my life? I think not. It's just boring, it's like creating drama just for the sake of it, or to feel less alone. I am single, and I am okay with it. Sure, Sunday nights would it be nice to be on the sofa with someone getting my TV watch on but there are many things I like about being on my own. What I like most, is I can count on me. I can count on myself to not let myself down, to be present, to protect myself, to think of my feelings. These were things the ex played lip service to but did not really get how to practice. I like my life the way it is and the direction it is moving in. Someone who never really cared about me is not going to threaten it. I get hung up on whether or not this requires action. Do I need to actively address anything with him? His follow through is terrible, he generally says a lot and does very little, and he's really good at making me feel crazy when I bring things up or set limits. These things lead me to practice avoidance. Something inside me though feels protective enough over me and my new found happiness to not welcome him into it, or let him think he has a chance in it.

I expect a lot more from myself and the people I surround myself with. The first rule would be you can't suck and having problems is not an excuse to suck. He sucks. He sucks as a person, he sucks the life out of you, he is an emotional vampire. I am leaving the emotional vampires behind and have to actively do something about it now. No more checking out or coasting in life, food, or relationships. I have to lady up and deal with this.

Whoops

I totally forgot to award the Matt's Munchies! So sorry. I meant to do this last Friday not this Friday. Oh well the winners are:


Sarahlearns
CMH

Congratulations and email at diaryofaformerfoodaddict@gmail.com with your address so I can send them your way.

A Little Levity

I have spoken about my pygmy animal love a few times. This link, http://www.petitelapgiraffe.com made it's way to me and I almost died of happiness thinking it was real.


Unrelated story but loosely pygmy animal related..My Mom has 3 dogs. One of the Hugo (it would have to be Hugo, who's name can be come Huge-O) is ginormous. My Mom has worried about his weight for a while, and kept saying to the vet he's obese, he's obese what do I do. Finally one day she took him to the vet and the vet said well I hope you're happy he is obese now. So my mom is living in NYC at the moment so I get to see her and the boys more often. The last time I saw Hugo, who I refer to as Oogie, I nearly died at his chubby magnificence. He is literally the cutest thing you have ever seen. I'll get a photo one of these days. He looks like a baby buffalo, or bear, some sort of creature. I told one of my besties Katie she had to see this, so we literally made plans around her seeing him,  while his fur was also extra ridonk from a recent grooming visit. Katie's response to him was, well Anna's finally done it, she convinced her mom to get a pygmy animal. I wish Katie, I wish. One day we will build our lady ranch on an island filled with pygmy animals, one day, but there will be no petite giraffe sadly.

Food Lover's Cleanse

I have taken recipes from this but not done it. Thinking about it. I could use the discipline a cleanse brings. Taking some of the decision making out of my food choices might help me in my emotional connections. I could go on eating autopilot but in a healthy way. Just kicking this around. I am not a big detox person. I have done a few and it's really more about your ego then your body. Your body is pretty awesome and amazing at detox'ing itself if left to it's own devices. You have organs specifically made for it, thanks kidneys! I guess I just want to shake it up and do more of a food spring clean. Learn some new recipes, eat some clean food and have a plan to support it.

I was inspired by Elle over at http://fatfriesplease.blogspot.com/ because she had an incident with some fries. I eat pretty well, but I also eat intuitively so there are occasional blips in the radar because I like junk, sweets, and fried food occasionally. It is a tough balance of giving yourself permission, managing cravings, but keeping a healthy perspective. I do not have to indulge each and every craving and do act on a denial not depriving tip, but when you are still figuring out what that means it can get confusing. For example, I like sweets, I am not prepared to cut them out of my life because then I will meltdown and eat a lot of sweets, however sometimes when I permit a sweet it leads to more sweets. This is a constant balancing act. I try to keep away from processed to help this. I guarantee you I eat a candy bar, or store bought pastry and I am eating far more then if I have dark chocolate or a more wholesome treat. Some of this craving thinking has me inclined to do a reset and eat super clean to figure out what do I really want. When you want sweet your body just wants sweet, your brain/you are the one who assigns the meaning. Your body does not know the difference between a grape and a brownie it just wants sweet, we're the ones who decide that the sweet we want is cake, chocolate, nutella whatever. Sometimes fruit will do the trick, sometimes tea, but other times something else is needed how do you meet those needs but keep your goals in check? I find the less I indulge them the easier it gets but when I am giving in to them all the time I get more confused, and end up craving things more. Its about finding the balance between indulging and the tipping point, I want to better understand what that is for me.


Below is a link to the cleanse. What I like the most about it is that it's a cleanse for food lovers, yay eating! I am not so down with the all juice cleanses. Juice is awesome and all but it's not what's for dinner. 

http://www.bonappetit.com/blogsandforums/blogs/badaily/2011/01/follow-the-food-lovers-cleanse.html