Leg Work Arounds

I have been poking around the web looking for some cute ways to be summer chic and not feel insecure.The turquoise skirt makes me swoon, but it's $600. If anyone spots something similar could you be a dear and give me a shout. I'll love you forever.

I have also been fighting the urge big time to wear a headdress. I blame Elizabeth Taylor. I have been reading "Furious Love". The book about her and Richard Burton's love affair. It's amazing and makes me want to be fabulous like her. I had been headdress thinking for a little while. I think it's a natural evolution of my feather obsession really. I think the turquoise skirt and a headdress would instantly make me forget my leg hate. Kidding. I don't hate them.

Cleo eyes and a headdress, swoon

want. it. real bad.

I mean seriously, how amazing. Yeah I have on a headdress what do you have to say about it?

obsessed with this image. I may need a parrot to compliment my headdress, photo from http://littleplastichorses.blogspot.com

Learning from the Past

My mom has been contemplating selling her home in Atlanta and moving up here full time. She rented a house in the country to see if this was even remotely feasible. This means my brother and I were summoned to the country. The country is lovely, my mom enjoyable, my brother however is tedious. I love him I really do, but he is trying. What I have learned though is to keep my mouth shut. There is not point in engaging. He talks incessantly about himself, what he wants to get, buy, do, how he's furthering himself. He is so smug, arrogant, and contradictory. The best part is most of this is done high.

He speaks about people who show a lack of consideration for other people, and he knows I do not smoke pot but does not think to ask would I mind being trapped in a car smelling it for 2 hours, or do I want someone who is compromised driving me? No, these things do not occur to him. He has grown and matured a lot but really in my opinion he has a lack of self awareness and willingness to even contemplate it. He is so defensive, sensitive, and just on edge. Where this comes from I do not know. He wants to blame my mom and I, and we have totally contributed but more then anything I think he just has a lack of self esteem and an undercurrent of unresolved anger. He over compensates by being a know it all, bravado, and arrogance. He can never just relax but has to pontificate on what anyone says, offer every bit of knowledge he has on it, or play a game of top that. I think he would like to engage more with people, draw them in, have more friends, and have more rewarding relationships. I think he thinks he is sharing himself. He actually drove me to drink. Wine time came earlier and earlier. Part of that was my mom was bored and would move it up. The other part is I have to draw inward. I can not be myself around my brother. It's his way or take the risk of his temper tantrums. He was initially grumpy because he was recovering from a cold so he was put out, then it was smoke up and commence the bro show, I kid you not it was about 1 hour and 50 minutes of the bro show. I don't really care because when I do share he tries to "explain" my life, friends, and issues to me which is a really good way to rile me up. I avoid it. Better to keep to neutral topics or his favorites ones centered around himself.

He is also incredibly competetive. How do you not compete? You do not play the game. I choose to not play this game. It's boring, no one really wins, and why are we competing anyway. I think he is still hung up on seeking approvals that are not for me or my mom to dole out. He needs to approve himself, like himself and live his life on his own terms. He speaks to this, but he really wants everyone to think whatever he's doing is the best thing ever. There is still an element in seeking applause for doing what commonly goes unnoticed in adult life.

I am glad I am learning. I have to pull back and just retreat and protect me. I can not fix him. He is not open to it. He is not my responsibility. I did not want to have the same fights of years past. I did not want to be reduced to teenage squabbles. I wanted to enjoy the country it was too pretty not to.

I also want to have a relationship with my brother and constantly giving him negative feedback which is what I pretty much would be doing at this moment in time is not a good idea. He just lashes out and I don't need it.

The house was built in the 1700's. Beautiful but a little musty.

Puppy of the Manor

A canopy bed! My floral tote blends in. Lady camo.

As for the country...I very much liked it. Samara, I got this bottle of vintage beads and stuff to make friendship bracelets with for $6 that I am too excited to dive into. My dog loved having a yard to play in. I enjoyed spending time with my mom and walking the country side and around the table at night we had some good laughs. What was reinforced to me is someone's elses struggles impact you as much as you let them. I could have let my brother ruin it, or could have contributed to the ruining by engaging in a way I know is not good, but I didn't. He has his own stuff to work out, and I have my own skills to use. We'll figure it out, we always do there's no need to complicate it further with more arguments to rehash even if he did taunt me with a king size reese's peanut butter egg, and try to describe me as large.

Whoops Forgot

I meant to mention these two blogs in my Adorbs call outs.  I am super enjoying them. Check them out!


http://diaryofadietgirl.blogspot.com/



http://stationerynotstationary.wordpress.com/

Summer Makes Me Feel Funny

I like summer. I wouldn't say I love it. I like being outside and the general frolicking but it has always caused me a measure of panic as an adult. It used to be centered around being overweight. Summer was not your friend. I have never been one of those girls who despite being super overweight rocked a bikini. I applaud those women but I am also completely baffled by them. Anyway it was always a game of how to best work around the weight but still participate in summer, and not draw too much attention to myself. I would often wear clothes that brought me close to passing out I was so hot, and would try to play it off, but inevitably someone asked, " Aren't you hot?" and I was. I was so damn hot. Now I am not so hot. I mean I am right now in NYC because all of a sudden we were plunged into August without a warning. True story. Monday it was in the 90's. THE 90's! I knew after the gym walking around in my sweaty gym clothes was going to not be a good time so I brought a change of clothes.

I am not a real leg or upper arm bearer. Summer is real testing me. Post gym I made myself wear my usually for the beach only jean shorts. I felt naked. I realized walking around, and being happy I was cooler, both because of the temperature and my awesome wolf t-shirt I felt really exposed. I love layering clothes fashion wise, and summer takes this away from you. It literally exposes more of you. I had never really felt this way because I was clinging to covering up. I do not look to cover up anymore but it does not mean I am okay with putting it all out there it would appear. It's not like I was strutting around in a bikini, but shorts that were almost to my knees and a baggy (but awesome) t-shirt. Some of it is I am not totally happy with how I look. I hate that I am still overweight for another summer, another season change. It's a bummer. I thought I was going to be done a while back and I do not know why I am not 30 pounds lighter. I do but I don't. I know I am not doing everything I could be, but I do not know why I am not doing all of those things.

Summer makes so much of this harder to hide from. I would love to be wearing tank tops and sundresses but I just do not feel comfortable in them. Part of it I have to get over and deal with. Summer is an exposing time. We're literally out more both doing things, and more of our bodies. The other part is I have to keep looking at what's holding me back. What keeps me from giving 100% to my goals, and what are my goals now? I have a few new goals written below:


1. Finally wear the jeans I bought a while back that are a size smaller then current ones.

2. When I go to France July 28th, leave feeling more confident and comfortable about my body. No more panic oh I'm going away and I don't like how I look. Funny how being somewhere else can bring things to surface...good thing I have this whole summer meltdown thing to speed the process up.


3.  Food journal every morsel. I have been keeping a journal but I have been lazy and sloppy.

4.  Eat more meals at home. Been eating out a lot.

5. Freely indulge my current watermelon obsession.

Do you feel good about this?

I have been on the partying streak. It's been fun but in typical Anna fashion I had to take it too far. The other weekend I went out and bypassed tipsy and got real drunk. I mean drunkity, drunk, drunk. Let me put it truly into perspective...I puked in the cab. That was a gross over share but I'm sorry had to be said.  As I lay on my bathroom floor thoroughly grossed out by myself I said, you feel good about this? Does this give you good self esteem? No it did not. Sunday I lazed around my apartment reflecting, and I realized just like so many other things I had taken a good thing too far. I am compulsive and have an addictive streak and no matter what this is part of me. As Marisa said today part of your nature is you swing between extremes. She said what's good is you are recognizing what it means for yourself and checking in.  Yes I do swing between extremes.  It's simple to me in some ways, that was fun, made me feel good, was enjoyable, tasted good, so repeat. I used to do this mostly with sweets but now it's with going out.

In some ways it's like a delayed adolescence. I went out before but I was so painfully self conscious, insecure and counting down the seconds until I could escape it was not exactly the good times. Now feels so different. I feel less like I am looking at other people thinking I wish I was having fun like them I am having fun. It was never the company I was keeping, it was my head and my inability to separate from it. I also had a weird relationship with alcohol before. My father was an alcoholic and knowing my predisposition to addiction I avoided it. I would go out and get real drunk a few times a year and that was about it. I don't really keep alcohol in my house because it's not worth it to me, but I think I am figuring out the place it has in my life. I can have a glass of wine and still lose weight and be focused on my goals. In fact I notice when I am going out to dinner and know I might have a glass of wine I adjust my snack accordingly and skip dessert probably saving myself calories and fat in the long run. I can go out, and enjoy being present and not feeling held back by myself and not have the night end on my bathroom floor feeling super disgusted with myself.

The good thing about learning and connecting with yourself is you learn what to watch for. I know to keep an eye out. This past holiday weekend I was low key. I went out and thoroughly enjoyed a dance party with old friends and did not need to over indulge. I honored how I felt. I wanted to take a break from the drinking. I wanted to not be hungover the next day but make it to the gym and I stood by that. Checking in works not just for food, but anything you have to watch yourself with. I see this more and more. I do not have to stomp something out, I just have to watch it and ask myself how I feel about it and then act accordingly. It's not all or nothing, it's lets find a way to work together.

Awards are Lovely

 I was having a challenging day when I do the lovely surprise of an award! Thanks so much to Amie at Running on Healthy! It made my day and I adore your blog so thank you. I also have read all of Charlaine Harris's books but the last one left me a little underwhelmed. I will still read the next one though.

Now to the award business:

The Rules:

• Thank the person and link them in your post.
• Tell ten things about yourself.
• Nominate your bloggers.
• Go to their blogs and let them know you've given them an award!

 1.  I REALLY wish I could sing. Not so much to be a performer or anything but I would just like to be able to sing and play piano.


2. Poetry being read or recited out loud makes me completely uncomfortable and squirmy.

3. I do not like grape flavor anything. My mom when we were kids hated the smell of it and we were never allowed it and now as an adult I can't stand it. Her plan worked.

4. I eat skittles, m&ms and gummy bears when I do eat them in same colored pairs. It enhances the experience.

5.  I do not like scary movies or sci-fi. I have tried, but it's just not my thing but I do quite like supernatural stuff.

6. Every once and a while I want to leave the city, live on a farm, have a garden and make dream catchers or something to sell in town. Then I remember more then 2 days outside of a city completely freaks me out. How does one get their coffee in the morning without stepping outside?

7. I still sometimes can not believe how much weight I have lost, but more then that how much my relationship with food, exercise, and health has changed. Whenever I get down about where I am at now I look where I have come from and realize I no longer harm myself every day with my choices.

8. I wear SPF 50 year round because I think I look good for my age and want to stay that way.

9. My brain loves info and holds on to it, which I am grateful for but my short term memory is like a goldfish. I sometimes can not remember my PIN number but can tell you all sorts of useless facts or my PIN number from 3 debit cards ago. Can you tell I am struggling with my new debit card?

10. I love, love, love what blogging has brought into my life. It has connected me with so many people I value. I would never have otherwise known so many great people, heard their stories, commiserated with their struggles and experiences, it delights and overwhelms me how not alone we all are in figuring it all out. Everyone who reads, emails, comments, passes through, anything, I have such a special place in my heart for you. You all mean so much to me and help me stay sane, move forward,  be honest, and so much more. Thank you.

Now some bloggies I love and pass this award on to:

Josie @ yumyucky.com I have a serious girl crush on Josie. She is so inspiring, hilarious, and I love how she keeps pushing herself with more and more challenges. Her mentality and honesty is so refreshing and uplifting.


Hannah @ Hannah's Reductions  I love, love, love reading Hannah's blog. I find her realness and honesty so inspiring. She like Josie balances kids and being healthy and I love reading about how she finds that balance and maintains it. The fact that it's done 99.9% of the time with humor is also totally amazing. I also think she has luverly style and I like seeing what she will come up with next.


Samara @ My So Called Style I think Samara and I knew one another in a past life. I agree with her food and style choices wholeheartedly and love reading about her adventures making them. I have loved seeing her blog transform with more and more content. I also envy her clean super design aesthetic.



D @ A Better Lesser Me Your honesty is so incredible sometimes it takes my breath away. I love your writing, and intelligence. I look forward to every post and I feel lucky to have been able to learn more about you.

Captain's Log

I am struggling to stay afloat in a sea of manchildren and emotional eating temptation. On top of it all I am having a hard time staying on work out track. I worked out this morning despite oversleeping. I managed 20 minutes. I felt so guilty about this but then shook it off and instead realized it was 20 minutes more cardio then sleeping would have been.

My goal tomorrow is to get my act together and do a full 45 minutes. I also have to take clients out three times this week. What does that mean? Restaurant food and booze. Not a great combo. It's more calories then I would usually intake. Last night I had an entree skipped dessert and a starter, but did have two glasses of wine. The wine was mostly my misguided attempt to make the tension headache I had disappear. It didn't disappear but it did make me care less about it which I took as a semi-victory.

I try to keep reminding myself do what I can when I can. Take a deep breath and ride the wave and do not give into temptation to just eat the stress away. I just feel gross. I feel like I've gained 20 pounds in a hot second. I know I haven't but lately I have been drinking more, off my usual eating schedule, and facing a tremendous amount of stress. This week having my go to stress relief of working out a little monkeyed with is not helping. I also saw some pictures of myself that I looked bigger in then I would like to think I am. Of course after this on my way home I wanted to buy some dark chocolate?! Seriously sometimes I wish I could disconnect or reboot my brain. You are not happy with your appearance and weight so you want chocolate? But this is what I have to deal with. This time the chocolate did not win and I listened to a song that just makes me want to dance and wiggled and shimmied my way to picking up my dog. Today I had a turkey burger for lunch which I usually would have had sweet potato fries with but I know I am going out tonight so I skipped the fries and had a side salad. This made me feel good taking control where I can and doing the best I can instead of just throwing my hands up and saying its a bad week. It's as bad a week as I let it be.




should you wish to get your dance on I HIGHLY recommend checking this track out, it's also a free download:

http://www.thefader.com/2011/05/16/sandro-silva-f-isa-gt-told-ya-dj-melos-moombahton-edit-mp3/



Bonus link because I love all of you:

http://www.thefader.com/2011/05/09/adele-jamie-xx-f-cecile-mr-lexx-and-timberlee-rolling-in-the-heat-the-heatwave-refix-mp3/