Diary of a Former Food Addict

Basketball & I

2012-02-12T19:36:00.000-05:00

I am not sure I have ever talked about this before, but I love basketball. Love it. I am a huge fan of the Knicks. I try to make it to games as often as I can. Luckily I have a friend who is a ticket broker so I can make this happen. You may or may not have heard of Jeremy Lin. Last week he had a pretty major week in the press and on the court. He's unbelievable. I got to see this Friday night.

The energy at Madison Square Garden was amazing. People were so excited to see Lin play. The guy we've all been hearing about. I love a good underdog story and sports loves it to. This is a Harvard Grad who literally did not give up until he made it off the practice team and into the starting line up. He's made it and he's playing a huge roll in the Knicks winning streak. I went to the game Friday night with one of my guy friends and it was interesting when we were discussing athletes. We came at from such different perspectives. I think part of what fascinates me about athletes is how they have to trust their body. They have a level of trust I can just barely fathom. I would never be able to rely on my body for how I earn a living. They trust theirs implicitly.

I was thinking about this and how often I think my body betrays me. When I feel like I am getting sick it's because my body has turned on me, not because it's cold and flu season. My knee was a little wonky the other day and I was annoyed with it, not thinking about the dance party I had partaken in wearing heels. It's always my body's fault and not my unrealistic standards for it. I try not to ask myself to be perfect. I accept that my body will never look perfect because well what is that, but why do I expect it to act perfect? I mean I am far from a clean living my body is a temple kind of lady so why would I expect my body to not be tired, to not have aches and pains, or to not succumb to illness?

The closest thing I have to an answer is become for the most part my body does right by me and I take that for granted. It's let me be well over 300 pounds and not have health issues, it's let me lose a good portion of that weight without complications, it's healed quickly from surgeries, it got me through cancer, it has very much done right by me. I have few chronic health issues, and the only ones I do have are allergies and anemia and these hardly impact my life and are easily dealt with. I am very lucky. I hugely take this for granted and should maybe just maybe say thank you every once and a while.

Sorry I'm not Sorry

2012-02-04T17:41:00.001-05:00

Among the many other things I struggle with one of them is apologizing. Not the act of apologizing I have that down, but when not to apologize. I say sorry a lot. For the most part I can dig it. I try to be polite and aware of others and think this is a good thing. Somewhere I am not okay with apologizing is dating. I had a bit of an epiphany the other day.

I was out with someone and thinking he's okay, not amazing, and I just felt like I was doing a lot of the work. Conversationally I excel. Not just because I am a chatty Cathy but because I want both parties to feel at ease. I can ask questions, have a few stories up my sleeve, and can play the part. I find I attract people in my life who do not play the part. My mom refers to it as the social contract. We all have different contracts. I come to your party, you go to mine, I ask you out, you invite me somewhere. I think we all have our own definition of this. I am a wherever I am the people in my life are welcome kind of girl, if you're a bit shy I will do my best to draw you out, or respect it and let the conversation lull. Socially I am pretty cool on this front. Dating I am not. I refuse to be the one doing all the work. I realized though I have always apologized. I have not necessarily verbalized it, but internally whenever something was off I immediately turned it on myself. I'm sorry I am more outgoing then this person, or I'm too chatty, or I'm too this or that. For a long time the weight was the big thing. I spent so much time internally apologizing for my weight. I do not really do that anymore, but I do sometimes find myself apologizing for my character traits. Why am I apologizing? Why is it a negative? And where does it stop? It can be a slippery slope. I mean I have found myself apologizing for some really ridiculous things, and I tell you what the other person not impressed, and me a little topped up in self loathing. No es bueno.

I realized out with this guy the other night I have had it all wrong. I am not a straightforward girl. I am layered, and not perfect but I am pretty great and definitely worth knowing. Most importantly for the right guy I am a catch just like each and every one of us. A beige fella with very little he has any passion or interest in is probably not going to be right for me long term. It's hard to find someone right for you period never mind if you have a preference for someone a little off the beaten path. I say this not as a judgement or I am the shit so bow to me men way. I say this as a I have to quit apologizing for not being right for people or them not being right for me. I am right for me so I have to find someone who is a fit and not just a body. I am a handful, but I am also a good friend, girlfriend, and person so I do not feel like I owe someone a favor for putting up with me anymore.

The more I appreciate myself and what I bring to the table the more I care about what someone else does as well. I see this in many areas of my life and it has caused shifts and changes in my friendships, working relationships and family. It's not easy to evolve and try to reset things you never did in the first place. It's not easy to redefine what you think you are worth and deserve from people. I still feel like I am following a manual and it is not natural. What makes me feel hopeful and that continuing to dig inside myself to understand why I do the things I do is sitting across from someone and thinking yes you are a nice guy but you are not right for me and I am not going to apologize for that or think it's some way that I fell short. Things do not always have to be good or bad thing sometimes it's just a thing that you have to shrug your shoulders at and move on. What I found makes this easier and me more resolved to keep doing it is I really like my life and myself so I rarely feel like I lost something. I feel like okay back to what I do like. Next.

I have no words, just tears of laughter

2012-02-03T14:02:00.002-05:00

I Should be Anti But I'm Not

2012-02-01T17:20:00.000-05:00

You can not read anything about music these days without Lana Del Rey being discussed. Love her, hate her I don't care. I find her a little mesmerizing. I do not care if she did not come to this earth with those lips. I do not care if she affected a stage name. I wanna live in this video and not just because of her flowered headdress.

Squeaking By

2012-01-31T13:50:00.000-05:00

In my efforts to stay honest and accountable I am going to make a confession I totally lucked out today at my weigh in. Marisa the lucky duck has been in Sri Lanka the past two weeks. In the past this has been a danger zone. Having a week off of the scale has not brought out the wisest decision making in me.

I am glad when she was going to be gone for two full weeks I did not lose my ish. I did however have challenging weeks. I ate a lot of peanut butter, enough to ban if from my house at the moment. There was some wine, a cupcake, and some missed work outs. I did not think I would be up but I certainly did not think I would be down. Down I was though.

I will take it, and I did learn from it. I am eating pretty intuitively these days. Some days this intuition is not so wise or worth listening to, but most days it's pretty spot on. In an effort to fight sickness because a plague has descended on NYC I am sticking to mostly nutritious whole foods. I occasionally have some junk in there and I have a special place in my heart for Russell Stover's holiday chocolates. Seriously, why is the coconut cream so delicious? I am working to define what my normal is. My normal is to make the healthiest decisions I can during the week, and have a delicious meal out 1-2 times per week, and allow for some alcohol consumption twice a week. I am aiming to stick to this and seeing what happens. It seems to be working for me so why over think it? For now it's working. I will reassess when it does not.

Listen Repeat Listen Repeat

2012-01-29T12:26:00.000-05:00

When I like a new song I listen to it a lot. A lot. I am really happy about ipods and my compulsive repeating being my secret. I don't just like this song because it features Kimbra. That was a bonus. The video is gorgeous, Gotye's voice swoon worthy, and Kimbra yay!

What I'm Loving

2012-01-28T23:21:00.000-05:00

I am a pretty happy girl lately. Things are far from perfect, but I am choosing to be happy. Below are the things that have been up'ing the happy.

1. I am LOVING the work I have been doing. It's a challenge, complex, kicking me bum, and totally awesome. The people I am working with are a delight, smart, engaged, and just unbelievable to work with. I took a risk and pulled visual reference to contribute to creative. I was a little bit nervous to do this. I was brought in to produce, work between four groups and coordinate everything for an event for roughly 450 plus people. Did I mention they have never done a live event before? Just a smidge of pressure, but I digress. One of our designers is in tough spot so to facilitate the conversation I decided to pull some reference. Pulling visual reference to help put words to ideas is my porn. I was hugely relieved when I sent it off it was well received. I came across the below which delighted me.

My paper cut obsession grows. I love Rob Ryan.

Indeed, you can find it here on etsy.

2. I get to work with my friend Beth, known as Beazy to me. We get coffee together most days. If I am in a meeting during coffee time she gets me one. I think she might be the one.

3. My friend Nisa and I got mani pedis and I can not stop staring at my nails like gems.

Essie chinchilly with their luxe effects pink glitter on top.

awkward thumb close up.

4. This sweet face when I come home and when she participates in yoga. My yoga practice includes getting a kiss when I go from plank to cobra.

5. I rediscovered this tank shopping in my closet. Love when that happens and dug this outfit.

6. I did measurements with Egon today and I've lost 8 inches. The most happiness inducing part was I lost three inches from my thighs and hips. I was beyond thrilled I lost 6 inches from the bits that bother me most.

7. These hot dogs.

Add caption

8. These shoes, but sadly they kill my feet. I don't think I can do it so I am giving them to a friend.

9. A friend of mine who gives good text. He tells me to chillax. I never expect a chillax, makes me laugh every single time.

10. I had THE best dinner with my mom before she heads off to India for a month. She made me roasted Brussel sprouts even though she does not like them. So sweet. We had a lovely dinner and I really enjoyed her company.

When Massages Attack

2012-01-23T22:17:00.000-05:00

I am a huge believer in massage. I have found them hugely beneficial in helping some of my reoccurring aches and pains. I have chronic issues with my neck and shoulders that only massage and acupuncture has helped. Sunday I woke up and definitely was sore from my work out on Saturday with Egon. I moved from bed to couch and when I was getting up to get motivated to secure breakfast I did something to my back.

The pain and weirdness was immediate. The spasms that followed not so good. I was a little freaked and feeling like I was 100 years old. I took it easy most of the day. I did some light stretching and rested. It definitely felt better by the end of the day but still not right. I decided a massage might help me out. I headed to the place across the street from my house. It's a Chinese Tui Na place, and while a little down and dirty, they hold up a towel to shield you while you change they are super cheap. I got a 90 minute massage for $70. I unfortunately also got the dude who was determined to knead every knot in my body into submission. There were times it hurt so good, and times it hurt real bad. I am not a massage newbie and have no problems speaking up and I did. A few times he said well do you have pain here, and I said yes and he said yeah it's because of this knot here that he would make me feel. Hard to argue with something like that. I have pain in both of my forearms and he explained a lot of that pain is from knots above my elbows who knew? I knew I was probably going to be sore today and I am. What I did not expect was the spectacular technicolor display of bruising.

I am definitely a bruiser and suspect I might be anemic again. I am prone to it, but dear lord. This is out of control. He was working one knot near my collarbone and I had to stop him it just hurt too damn bad. I don't care if that particular knot is the source of every problem in my life it stays, so not worth the pain! I have not had a massage in a long time and been under stress and I SERIOUSLY underestimated the work which might need to get done. I will not go that long again. I left feeling like a new person, and my back was a lot better but geez no need to end up looking like I got a beat down. I'll be more diligent in my massages from now on not just because I like them a lot, but because I work out a lot, internalize stress, and end up with some big knots that make me not work right. No need for that. Sundays are meant for frolicking not massage beat downs.

Exhibit A

Exhibit B

What Yoga Teaches Me

2012-01-21T18:48:00.000-05:00

I really love Olivia who I do yoga with. She is a really cool lady and I really like working with her. Her style of teaching really works for me. She often says things during my lesson I file away that I want to think about later. Two things she has said have really stuck with me and I keep coming back to and felt like sharing.

The first one came about when we were working on my breathing. She said, "Just pay attention to it, become aware but do not "fix" it." She then said, "So often we try to fix the body, we get hung up on fixing it assuming something is wrong. What we should focus on is the body knows what it is supposed to do and be we should let it reveal itself." I knew I liked this when she said it. I knew it resonated with me but I was not sure why. I always assume something is wrong. If I do not like how clothing looks it's my bodies fault, not the cut of the dress, if I feel jiggly instead of accepting my curves I curse them. When I have steered the ship in the past I have not done well. I have messed with my body, restricting food, overdoing it, letting myself get spectacularly sick not taking care of myself, I could go on but why provoke an attack of the sads. When I stop "fixing" myself and just listen to what is being presented to me I make far better decisions. The body does know. When I feel under the weather maybe I should skip a workout, drink tea, and go to bed early. When I feel stressed out and want to eat some chocolate maybe I should just close my eyes and take a few deep breaths which actually lower my blood pressure instead of eating chocolate which does nothing but make me want more. I think more then anything there is nothing wrong with my body it's a part of me but not me and in strengthening my body image maybe I should think more about allowing it to reveal then be fixed.

Now, this little gem is completely brilliant and I really appreciate Olivia bringing it into my vocabulary and thinking. When I do forward fold, she gives me physical guidance weight shifted forward, grab opposite elbows and then she reminds me let go, and this is the brilliant gem, "let go of anything that does not serve you, reserve judgment, just let go of anything that does not serve you, think of it spilling out of the crown of your head letting go." I can not tell you enough how much I love this, but I am going to try. I want things to be good or bad. I want a clear picture to inform my decision making. This rarely happens and not just that it makes me lose sight of what I want. I had dinner with a friend and was telling him about the RGC situation and he sort of dolled out some hard truths. He was saying this isn't anything. He isn't making effort you have not seen him, you're hung up on a ghost. Now to his defense I think some other things were fueling his tough love, and I told him I'm not hung up I am filling you in on what's going on. Anyway I thought a lot about what he said and being hung up on a ghost. There is some truth to this. As I get to know RGC better through text and phone calls I see the person I met is not really who he is. I was attracted to his confidence and he's not really a confident person. He had a confident night or two. In thinking about this I wanted to sort of file away into not a huge pressing concern requiring my attention. I do not really have a situation to make a decision about you know? Well I sort of do because this does require time, energy, and attention. What I asked myself and find myself asking myself more is, how does this situation serve me or does it serve me? Well it feeds my ego a little bit, but I am not really looking to feed my ego this way and I am certainly not looking to serve it male attention. That is a dangerous slippery slope. Besides not looking to feed my ego, I am not looking for a digital pen pal. I want to date a guy. A guy who is not afraid to get past his nonsense and hang out with me. This situation regardless of the whys, the whats and what have you is not serving me. Now what to do about it...maybe Olivia will have the answer at next week's yoga lesson.

Where to Begin

2012-01-18T22:01:00.000-05:00

I feel like I have not written in 100 years. It really has not been close to that now has it. I have very little brain power so I am going to punk out a little and do a list-esque recap of where I'm at. Bear with me peeps and know I hold you here, points to heart.

1. The job is cuckoo crazy but AMAZING. The people are so nice and lovely. I am feeling confident enough to start seizing control. I get to also work with this design company that BLOWS my mind.

2. RGC has popped back on the radar with a vengeance. He's pretty cool. If our schedules would coordinate so we could actually hang out that would be great. We speak daily which is lovely and I feel like we're getting to know each other.

3. I have been slacking across the board on the writing, but have a meeting/dinner with the writing partner I am very much excited about. He's also such a love and become such a good friend anytime we get together is a good one. He has become completely obsessed with Downtown Abbey so I feel like he is going to pitch changing our series to a period drama.

4. Eating wise I am doing pretty good. There was an incident with some candy. I went to a baby shower on Saturday. A baby shower that I thought was never going to end. Not in a bad way just not your traditional shower. Anyway I got a plate full of dessert and a piece of cake, and I did not eat it all. I had bites of everything I wanted and did not finish it. I do not think I have ever not finished a dessert in my life. They had a candy bar as a favor/take away and I of course prepared a moderate bag. It lasted 3 days in my house which I think is a HUGE victory.

5. Working out I am getting it in. Adjusting to my new schedule and total exhaustion it's tough to get every workout in but I am getting far more in then skipping.

6. LOVING yoga being a part of my life again. I had to skip this week and totally missed it. Been doing a smidge on my own, and being a lot better about my breathing overall.

7. I feel really good about my body. I feel confident, comfortable, and I am going to ride this wave for as long as it lasts and not tell myself negative or crappy things to burst my own bubble.

8. I have been battling colds, and general sickness for two weeks and finally feel better but it has made me be a lot better about putting whole real nutritious food into my body. I have also been really on my green juice game. Yes, there was the candy incident but other then that it's been lean protein, reduced dairy, fruits, vegetables, and whole grains.

9. My TV and DVR miss me and oh how I miss them.

10. Samara is THE BESTEST for sending me The Hunger Games so I can get on board that train. Now to find the time to read it. She is also the best for indulging my obsession with the show Revenge, and rambling long emails.

I hope everyone is happy, healthy and warm 'cause I know it's finally winter here! I have to retire my flats soon because socks are pretty much a must these days.

A little Advice

2012-01-12T16:13:00.002-05:00

I came across this today and thought while super simplified thought it was awesome.

Oatmeal Brain

2012-01-11T21:21:00.000-05:00

Captain's log Day 3...I am exhausted but it's a really great tired. The people I am working with could not be nicer. For realz. They are like Russian dolls of niceness, they just get nicer and nicer. I have so much to do and so much responsibility on me, and so much to wrap my mind around, but it feels really good. It's definitely been a long three days so far. It did not help that last night I basically had wine for dinner. Not a great choice on my part, but one of my new boss ladies asked me to get drinks and honestly I definitely wanted a glass of wine. A glass. I had three. Not wise.

It feels really good to be working with a team. I definitely miss having some of the independence I had before, but I am still pretty independent. No one is asking what I am up to, cares when I come in or leave, and that is sort of weird. I want someone to check in with, but I am sort of responsible to everyone. I am the person in the middle of several teams making sure everyone is communicating, getting what they need, and all the work associated is being done. It's a lot, but it's kind of cool I just get to do it and move forward.

I definitely have a better sense of how I need to protect myself health wise though. I need to be better arm myself with snacks. Yesterday I had a donut. While delicious, a jelly donut was not a great afternoon snack. Now I am off to watch lots of bad television because it's all my brain can handle.

Liar Liar Pants on Fire

2012-01-08T13:35:00.000-05:00

You know when you keep telling yourself this doesn't bother me or freak me out? Maybe you can get away with it. I can't. My body always starts some sort of ruckus to say yes you do. It started last night. A little anxiety, a few racing thoughts, but nothing too bad. I went off to sleep.

My body's most obnoxious way of getting my attention is anxiety sweats. I give it some credit though because it definitely gets my attention. This morning I got the sweats and the thoughts broke through my Sunday sleepiness. This is unusual. I usually get a few minutes of thinking my dog's snoring is really funny, or I really should put all my laundry away before any real thoughts begin. What is this all about? I start a new job tomorrow and I am fighting a cold. A cold which is determined to win, which compounds my anxiety.

I met with people on Friday and felt pretty good about the whole situation. I was excited and ready to dive on back in. I was definitely inundated with information, details, tasks, people, and so on and felt really happy I had the weekend to digest. This morning, Sunday knowing tomorrow is Monday and it all begins I feel a little different. Straight up I'm a little scared. I hate being the new girl. I hate not knowing how to get what I need to get done done. I hate asking others for help. I hate not knowing the lay of the land. I hate morning sweats. So what do I do about it. I just got to breathe, as much as this cold will allow, and roll with it. How do freelancers do this all the time?! Do they have IV drips of xanax? Lemme know peeps.

At the end of the day I am booked on this job until Mid-March. That's not very long really and lets face it homegirl needs to get back into gear. I have been doing little jobs here and there, but nothing which really pushed me out of my comfort zone. Do you have to be pushed? I happen to think so if you want to grow and I have avoided this. Actually doing something outside my comfort zone is forcing me to figure out what that growth is. I still am not sure, but I do know this dilly dallying around is definitely not helping me find any answers or feel more capable. I try to remind myself that I am not so unusual that what I forget is that change is uncomfortable. I will focus on that for now, and take a shower.

Anybody got any good/bad starting a new job stories for me?

Can't Stop Listening and Shaking To This

2012-01-04T17:04:00.000-05:00

I am a big fan of the Black Keys. Their last album Brothers was frequently being played on my ipod. I just got their new album and would love to listen to it, but I can't because I just keep repeating this song. It makes me shimmy and shake like few other songs have lately. Have a listen, and enjoy this gentleman's moves. I did.

Middle Ground

2012-01-03T10:54:00.000-05:00

The middle is weird to me. I swing between extremes. This is everywhere. I sleep on the far left of my bed, I like the treadmill to the far right, and I do not like to ever sit in the middle, even if Delta now charges $29 for a window or aisle seat....but I digress. This preference for extremes also trickles into my emotions. It's really hard to just sit in the middle because I am not sure if I am doing anything. When I am on the left or right then I know I'm somewhere. The middle not so much.

Clearly this is something I need to keep working at because it crops up everywhere. I am seeing this in dating, yoga, eating, working. I want to be one place or another, not just hanging out. In yoga if I need to move my leg a fraction of an inch I want to move it a foot, in dating if I need to just sit tight I want my phone taken away from me to save me from myself, post eating a tremendous amount of brie I want to go vegan, sometimes these extremes make me oh so tired. The big thing to learn is the middle is really hard because you just have to sit with it. I have never been so good at just sitting with it. This is not new information. Learning to just sit with it and not self medicate has been quite the constant theme. I would be fine with sitting with it if it did not make me want to crawl out of my skin.

I think what is new is my being able to recognize this is not just an eating thing, it's a life thing. It's something I have to learn how to make some sort of peace with so it does not make me make poor decisions or eat late night bowls of oatmeal. Yeah, that happened. So my question is any middle dwellers out there? If so please share your tips for sitting with it so I don't continue to intensify my holiday carb bloat or run wild through the streets.

El Ano Nuevo

2011-12-31T13:07:00.001-05:00

Am I the only person who can not believe Christmas has happened and that New Years is here? I mean really where did December go. I best be getting on board seeing as this is the last day and all. I thought about pontificating on what I take away from 2011, and what I want from 2012 and I realized something. I do not know. I am not sure what I want from this year ahead. What do I want to make happen or what do I hope the universe will drop at my feet? I guess some of this is realizing that I like not having everything mapped and planned out. I am enjoying dealing with life as it comes my way and just stumbling through. I have little figured out, but each time something happens and I deal with it I learn and value how much I have changed in the past few years. There are other times I am over it and would like something to be straightforward and clear, but that wouldn't be the life I have chosen to live. I firmly believe very little exists in black and white, I believe I live in grey. I think the grey has often undone me, and now I look for more black and white. Life does not exist in black and white though, but being clear about what you want and need for you can strengthen what your black and whites are. I am drifting towards defining black and whites which are healthy and attainable and letting go of ones that are an exercise in futility to attempt to establish.

Tonight I am heading over to Katie's. I am not a big New Years person. Never really have been. Too much emphasis put on one night makes me squirmy. Never mind in NYC it throws the city into overpriced chaos. I am really really really happy though to be spending time with one of the most important people to me to usher in a New Year. That to me starts the year off on a good note.

As for other things....I guess what I hope for in 2012 is more of what I had and was just beginning to get and value in 2011. I value kindness over toughness, clarity over ambiguity, change over the status quo, dating over pining for those not available....

Speaking of that. I did hear from RGC in response to my bailing text. The next morning for the record and he basically just said yeah my mind is elsewhere, and I haven't been in the mood for much this week. Ugh, what a ridiculous situation. He's sadder then I first suspected. It's really hard to offer sympathy to someone you do not really know, add that to list of what I learned in 2011. I had drinks last night with my friend Kevin. It was great to see Kevin, and of course he let me spew all sorts of tales at him for his opinion. His ruling on RGC no contact for a week and after that cut him loose. It's funny, last night I cared and wanted advice of how to let him disappear into the man cave and not be forgotten today I don't. I am not going to give this more then it deserves from an attention and emotional standpoint. Yes, I like him, but timing is a big thing and it looks like I got hosed by timing on this. I refuse to think in a giant city of a gazillion people that he is truly the one person from me and worth acting like that. What am I hung up on holding on to? I think what I am hung up on is hope, chance, chemistry and that really fun part when you are excited to see where something goes. The great part about all that is it can happen with anyone and you just never know who it could be. Am I mad the fun got killed so early yes, but do I think it's gone forever nope. I got hung up on fun, but it's a New Year with a lot of of possibility of fun. I am going to get hung up on that promise instead of one that maybe doesn't exist.

In summary, Happy New Year's everyone! Thank you for sharing your 2011 with me and for letting me share mine with you. Thank you for sharing your stories, listening to mine, the comments, the emails, the tweets, thank you. Thank you for the time, support, and the commiserating. It means more to me then you will ever know. I hope for every single one of us that the next year brings us closer to whatever it is we're looking for however we choose to define it.

Well Hmmmmph

2011-12-29T12:43:00.000-05:00

I need to whine a little about boys for a second. So yes things were going smoothly with RGC or so I thought. He got a little weird. He was weird for a few days and I did not think much about it. I chalked it up to the holidays and family obligations. Also we've known one another for a nanosecond and despite that seeming positive I was not going to assume any real familiarity. All I had to go on was how he had been and how he was being did not match. Anyway by Tuesday I was thinking hmmm something is up and at this point I can ignore it or I can call him on it. I was literally about to send the so I'm guessing you're not into it text when I got one from him. A friend of his passed away and he found out about it Christmas Eve. 1. That is awful and I felt bad for him, 2. I am so glad I did not send that text. I decided fair enough, he wasn't dumping his problems on me but said sorry I've been distant here's what is going on. His behavior however did not change. I started to feel insecure, and a little needy. I am not a big fan of either one of those emotions.

The big thing is we're supposed to hang out tomorrow night. I felt really weird about it. I felt like it's too soon for any big emotional hang out and the way things have been this week I'm not really looking forward to hanging out with him. I sort of suspected I was going to feel resentful and not really show my best side. I feel like it's not the best message to say you can act weird all week regardless of if it has to do with me and still get to see me. I am not down with that message. I have sent that message way too many times. I have also started relationships with men when they are having some sort of emotional fallout I support them through. What's that? Oh yes it's the alarm bells ringing in my head.

It's a tough thing not making new people pay for the transgressions of others in your past. I am not saying RGC is like every other guy I have dated. I don't really know him well enough to make that assumption or come to that conclusion. I do not know him. I do not know what his subtext is. What I do know, I do not like how I am feeling at the moment, and I do not want to hang out with him tomorrow. It's easy to forget sometimes you do not have to know what someone else thinks, you need to know what you think. I decided rather then to wait him out, wonder if he would say something I would take care of me. That's all I can do, so I sent a text, sounds like you had a rough week rain check on tomorrow night. No response. Silence sometimes is the answer I think but at least I am not wondering anymore.

Holiday Round Up

2011-12-28T21:25:00.001-05:00

I survived the holidays! I hope everyone can say the same. It was actually a lovely time. My mom was on pretty good behavior already having one kid who can't be around her. I think it kept her on her best behavior. It was a nice time. We spent a lot of time together. A lot. We got along really well and actually discussed some interesting things. A few things I learned or rather am beginning to accept and not care about:

1. My mom and I define beauty differently. She equates it with thinness and I don't therefore us seeing eye to eye on this is not probable. That being said it doesn't mean we can not have a dialogue. I showed her the pictures of Harriet Coleman I posted on here and said can you really tell me in all seriousness she is not beautiful? She said no, she is beautiful. We actually had an interesting discussion about it. I said to her straight up I think a lot of your issues are centered around never feeling pretty and what you offered being your body, specifically your thinness. I said while I get where it comes from it would have been nice growing up to not have been told my body was wrong, not normal, and so on, but rather to have had the differences accepted. My mom is 5'4" and petite, I am 5'8" so off the bat I was never going to look like her.

2. We can define things differently and not hurt one another by trying to convince the other. My mom is free to think thin is better. I can not take that away from her, but she does not have to force her opinions on me. I can set boundaries of what is and is not up for discussion and I can calmly enforce these. I did not think this was possible I think it could be.

3. My mom will probably always have something to say about what I am eating or try to control it. I got sharp with her once, when I was eating a cracker with cheese before a dinner party and she chided me not to fill up. Later the next day I said to her, straight up do not talk about what I am eating or how much of it I am eating. Period. I have to learn and I have to learn on my own. Your days of being the food police are gone.

4. I may never be thin enough for her, and I do not care. She does. I think my mom respects me seeking her approval less, but it scares her. I feel this weird push pull about it that she does not want to have to worry about me or help me with it, but she also does not know what her role is exactly without it.

5. She has fabulous taste. I mean my mom's clothes are legendary. She said instead of giving stuff away or to your friends maybe I should save things for you. At first I thought YES PLEASE, then I listened to my inner voice that said hmmmm this sounds like a bad idea, and has set up written all over it. I am not sure why, maybe because I should be healthy and lose weight because I want to not to chase someone else's closet. I'm not sure what set me off but I honored it and said I'm not sure that's a great idea.

6. Sometimes when she sucks it has nothing to do with me. I have two little cousins who are 7 & 12. They are awesome and they think I am magic. I was chatting with them decorating cookies for Santa, and my mom not once but twice made sort of weird remarks about it. Things along the lines of, "Anna are you doing a monologue over there." I did not care for it. I called her out the next day. She actually was annoyed at my uncle and his not helping. I said to her so why did you say something mean to me? I said it made me want to close down and feel really self conscious. Why not just say to uncle man, I am trying to get dinner ready, Anna's entertaining the girls can you participate please? She completely agreed. What was nice about this was I got what I wanted out of it. Told her that sucked without anger, and heard her side.

My brother sent us Christmas text messages. Lame. I have decided we all get one holiday where we regress to being 17 years old again. This was his so I hoped he enjoyed it. I am still not sure what I did but I have left voicemails and sent texts so it's not like I have not tried to figure it out.

RGC and I kept in constant contact despite family obligations and the holidays. I was curious to see how that would go. I have yet to tell him anything about my weight history or even this blog. I am trying something different not just spewing my life story.

I went through lots and lots of old family photos. It was really cool and really weird. So much has changed. Not just me, but locations, people, who's even alive anymore, it was awesomely weird. I went through them alone for a while and then my mom joined in filling in some gaps.

Below is a gem I stumbled across.

Am I working that Santa photo or what?

Not so much a gem, but if a photo could some up my relationship with my mother, this would be it. She's all pulled together and perfect-ish and I look adopted and like I was big into oversized men's clothes. Do. Not. Understand this Anna.

Mama at my first birthday. How amazing is her hair?

Clearly my love affair with food started young.

How did everyone else make out? Hope everyone survived and had a lovely holiday.

Just Enjoy It

2011-12-21T20:49:00.000-05:00

Things are a real mixed bag right now, but mentally I am feeling pretty good about it all. A little round up.

I worked really hard last week on not listening to the unhealthy voice. Dialing into that I think overall helped me check back in and not just about eating but everything. I just felt overall a lot more present. In checking back in I realized how I had not been present. Illuminating.

Eating wise I was way more on my A game and made much better and healthier decisions. I was not restricting, not eating my way through the night, and I did well with my work outs. I kept the alcohol to a minimum and just overall had a pretty healthy week. I saw Marisa on Tuesday and she said my weight was down significantly. I played it cool at first and just talked about the week but I finally caved and asked how much I was down. She wouldn't tell me. She felt with Christmas coming, and me traveling it could impact my weight next week and she wanted to avert any crisis. I get it. The one time I lost 7 pounds in a week it was such a blessing and a curse. I was thrilled, ecstatic about it, and then completely upset I could not do it again and again and again. A 7 pound weight loss in one week is not healthy or what you should be aspiring to and certainly not a goal to hold yourself to. I respect her choice and expertise and I have been really pleasantly surprised how not hung up on it I am. The number is not really important. I felt really good about getting back on track and it was great to have the scale reflect that a half a pound, or 10 a loss is a loss.

In other news my brother is having some sort of quarter life crisis. Yowsa is he in a bad way. I have no idea what to do about it. He's been taking everything out on my mom and they can not get along. I am trying to stay neutral. It's practically impossible, but I do not agree with what he is doing or how he is handling himself, but it's not my life so not my problem. Straight up, I think he needs therapy. I think he struggles with chronic depression and has some stuff he needs to work through. He wants my mom and I to function in a role we just can't. He wants us to just blindly support him and for his actions to not have any repercussions. Don't we all but it just does not work that way unfortunately. He made the decision that he would be unable to come home for Christmas. He did not trust himself to behave properly and thought it was best he avoided the situation. It makes me sad to think he won't be there and it will definitely be weird. I am however HUGELY relieved he is making the mature decision to remove himself from the situation rather then make it worse. I think this is a great and super positive sign despite how it might appear. We have had some horrible holidays. I mean the stuff of legends. Really bad. After my Dad died we really struggled as a family to find our way during the holidays. Only in the past few years have we been able to come together not feel like we were broken and enjoy it. Once my Dad died we morphed into an unconventional family which we had sort of always been but even more so after his death. I see my brother as not attending Christmas as a sort of evolution of that. We would rather be honest as a family and say this is not a good idea and we're over the drama then just suck it up and try to be nice.

My brother not coming for Christmas means I have several days without any back up with my mom. Should be interesting...I am looking forward to it in a cautiously optimistic manner.

RGC....we've gone out. He's pretty dreamy...He thinks I am the bees knees and lordy is it nice. He's really easy to hang out with and there's a lot of chemistry there. I think it has potential but who knows. I am open to seeing what happens, but for now I am trying to just relax, take a breath and just enjoy it.

Tomorrow I am off to Atlanta so I should probably pack a thing or two right? Anyone want to pack for me?

Anyone else got holiday family drama brewing? Anyone not spending the holidays with their families?

Asking Versus Telling

2011-12-16T16:42:00.000-05:00

I am not going to lie. Last week my eating was not good. Some lapses into old behaviors that haven't cropped up in a while. Mostly restricting my food during the day and night eating. I found it really hard to eat during the day and then to stop at night. My life had become a little more chaotic so my eating had as well. The relationship between the two is super frustrating. I know they are linked, I know that how I am eating often reflects how I am feeling, and I transfer how I feel to how I eat, and if my eating is affected it then also worsens how I feel because I feel more out of control, and gross. Wowsa just typing that made me tired, a lot of feeling and frustration. Lucky for me things never get too bad because I do not go more then a week without seeing someone brilliant who helps re-programme my noggin'.

Tuesday I saw Marisa, my nutritionist. I said I am frustrated and I am becoming more aware of the links and parallels but do not know what to do about it. This sometimes can be the worst limbo, you know what you are doing does not work for you or make you feel good but you do not know what to do about it. I walked her through an example, grazing at night having an English muffin after dinner and admitting it was emotional and a little hunger but probably could have been avoided. She asked me what my dialogue with myself was during this. I said it was admitting it was emotional but in some ways allowing it because I had admitted that.

As Marisa does she said something brilliant. You need to quit asking the unhealthy voice questions and tell it what to do. She said asking the unhealthy voice gives it a voice. I think we can all agree, if asked our unhealthy voice will answer and while it's answer may be appealing it's not going to be what is good for us. She said what you could do in the future is tell it you're emotional right now and there could be eating fall out so you can have an English muffin for breakfast but not right now.

Since Tuesday I have thought about this a lot and in other areas of my life. I generally am open to other opinions, and points of view. I will open up the dialogue about decisions, and I am good with asking others questions and respecting answers. All that is fine, but the one person who can no longer get a vote is the unhealthy voice. The unhealthy voice hoses me each and every time. It makes me think it's my friend and has my interests at heart and it does but the wrong ones. It has the interests of perpetuating old patterns, bad habits, temporary comforts, and old feelings of what I deserve. It wants to keep me where I am because that's what is knows and is comfortable with. There are a lot of things I do not want to do anymore. Some of them are possible, some I may never really be able to define what success would be, I do know the unhealthy voice will not be asked to contribute to these questions anymore. It can't because I don't want to eat English muffins at night when I am freaked out. The unhealthy voice is quite silent when I say okay that's over now what, it's no so smart then and that's when I really need to listen to my own voice.

I have to say

2011-12-15T16:59:00.000-05:00

There is a lot to be said for a man finding you attractive. I've spent my time lately chasing after someone I was unsure about whether or not found me attractive. Life truly is too short for that. The new guy lets refer to him as Ryan Gosling's cousin because as my friend Kim verified post picture showing it's the perfect comparison, is a delight. He has made it clear in a very nice and non gross manner how attractive he finds me.

I had no idea just how awesome that would feel. Not a clue. Who knows if RGC and I will amount to anything more then a flirtation. I really do not know or care right now. What he is making me think about and realize is I still ask for so little from guys and accept so little. I still have work to do on that front. While working on that though it feels pretty awesome and great for a seemingly good guy to find me attractive and want to see me, talk to me, and is not afraid to make it known.

It's pretty basic really. If someone makes you feel like who you are right this second is not enough for them then they are not enough for you. Guys who make you feel sexy, attractive and valued deserve your time and attention. They deserve the chance, not the ones who you keep doling out chances to that are not valued.

You Know

2011-12-14T17:29:00.000-05:00

You know when you have a feeling something is going to happen but sort of hoping it won't? Yeah, we all know it. I got cancelled on for something I have been looking forward to. I knew it was coming. The writing was on the proverbial wall. It does not suck any less. The plans are not just dissolving the friendship is to. Now to navigate this without any unnecessary fallout.

Am I Really Doing This?

2011-12-14T13:41:00.002-05:00

I have tried dating on line before and nothing much came from it. I totally was not ready and it brought up so many of my confidence issues. It made me really stressed and sweaty. The one date I went on produced the most epic face sweat of my life. I can laugh about it now (only a little, it's still mortifying), but at the time I had to take on board what my body and sweat glands were telling me. I was not ready.

I am not sure I am ready now. I do however know a few things. Operation starve the crush is going well but it's creating weirdness in that relationship. He does not seem pleased I have pulled away but listen if we're supposed to be "friends" me creating some distance and actively dating should not be an issue. I am not trying to play a game or not respect his feelings. What I am doing is trying to protect myself and move on from someone who does not seem to know what they want or where I fit into it. Since he can not make a decision I will. I have decided to move on in order to minimize the weird and hopefully keep the friendship. Not shut a door but open some new ones while it all plays out. This is new for me because previously I would have just walked away without a second thought or how it affected me. I would have not considered that I do value the friendship and would have wrapped it into a box and put it on a shelf to be forgotten.

A friend of mine is dating on line and has met someone she is really excited about. She was urging me to get over my dating phobias and the crush and to get on line. There was a lot of smart things she said but to prevent this from being a novel I am paraphrasing. I reactivated an old profile. I edited the info, changed some photos and did not think much about it. Not much was happening at first. Then I remembered you get back what you put in. I started being a more active participant. I am now communicating with a dude who looks like Ryan Gosling's cousin. That will do nicely thank you very much. Crush? What crush I roll with the Goslings now.

There have been some others but I am just not rushing or communicating with every guy who tries to. I am sorry but lets face facts the great thing about dating on line is I can reject you in a kind manner. I can look at your photos, profile, and communication with me and say no thanks. In the past I have felt like I had to be nice, return every message and think about each guy. I really don't. I am 31 years old. I know what does and does not work for me and while some guys might be perfectly nice people but that does not make them right for me. It's a great feeling giving yourself permission to trust your instincts. Not override that voice that says I dunno about this, or he is a bad idea, or whatever it is that your instincts want to give you a head's up about. I am embracing it and moving forward listening to it. We'll see what happens, probably more face sweating.

The idea of meeting someone still makes me queasy, but I do know putting yourself out there makes it easier to keep doing it. When all else fails I remember well at least I'll get a blog entry out of it.

What a Night

2011-12-11T14:58:00.001-05:00

I could tell you all about it, but instead I'll show you. Fantastic night. Fantastic people. Viva la drag queens!

Vogue.

impromptu photo shoot on the light up dance floor.

Kim who I call Juice and I.

Jonboy and me.

Juice, Jonboy and I pre-dance party sweating.

I want everything mirrored. Including my boobs.

A little photo booth hanging.

I am obsessed with the blond. "She" was amazing and won that night's lip-sync off.

Coco performing.

Juice is tiny in a sea of ladies. The one on the right looks like Jason Segel in drag.

Me and birthday girl Coco.

There are no words for how amazing her whole ensemble was.

Jonboy dominating the dance floor.

Well This Should Be Interesting

2011-12-10T16:49:00.000-05:00

I have quite a fashion challenge tonight....I am starting my Saturday evening at a holiday party where my friend is seven months pregnant and most of her friends and peoples have kids or are married. That's cool and I got the soon to be here bebe THE cutest leopard print onesie. This onesie might have been influenced by my second stop of the evening.

My second stop is a friend of mine's birthday. This is no ordinary birthday extravaganza. He is obsessed with Rupaul's Drag Race. In fact obsessed is probably not a strong enough word. He has rented a place out and is throwing a huge drag party. There are going to be performances. He has 3 looks alone and I have seen the heels he is planning to dance in, with his back up dancers.

I have no words for how excited I am for this party. I love a drag queen. I wonder sometimes if I have not just a gay man inside me but a drag queen truthfully. What I am not quite wrapping my mind around is how I dress for both. I probably am not going to be able to have a pitstop at home between parties. I think I have to dress semi neutral and then glam it up in a cab later adding every piece of jewelry I own.

Girl you better WERK that cab makeover!

Confession

2011-12-09T12:43:00.000-05:00

I am not the biggest Usher fan, but I find myself incapable of talking about confessions without thinking of his song.These are my confessions...Usher might have been singing about what he's been doing on the side, but I have to talk about what's been going on under my pants.

Shape wear is not a new concept. I am sure just about every woman in the free world at this point has worn spanx. It brings me a lot of comfort how many celebrities swear by them to. Jessica Alba had spanx sewn into her wardrobe for Fantastic Four. True story. I also noticed recently a lot of my friends are rocking the shape wear for day to day and not just special events. I love what they do, but I hate spanx. I really do. They are not comfortable in anyway shape or form. I also feel like yes they may smooth some lines, but they also smush me into a not so flattering shape. Great that my dress glides over, but now my butt looks like someone took a rolling pin to it and not in a good way, don't even start me on my circulation being cut off in the waist and thighs.

Telling you I wear shape wear is part of my confession. The real thing here is why. My legs are a disaster. Not because of size but rather the reduction of it. My thighs are not so pretty. I have a lot of excess skin and it shows through certain things, and there is not a damn thing I can about it besides be patient. I can be patient, but when I noticed with more weight coming off the problem was increasing I was most displeased. I mean it wasn't just silk and satin and known trouble fabrics but even certain jeans. It was starting to really get me down. I mean if you are not safe in jeans then where are you? It's not like I was trying to wear hot pants and unhappy with the results. My dear friend google and I did some looking. I stumbled upon Lytess. Now they claim to reduce cellulite, inches and moisturize. I think they have marginally improved my cellulite and my skin is definitely softer post wearing but I do not know about the inches. I was not really conducting an experiment. I just wanted to not look like oatmeal in pants.

I am addicted. The Lytess shorts are amazing. Some people wear them out, and to work out in. I think this is crazy talk. They are sort of like a cross between tights and leggings. I am a big believer in leggings are not pants unless your butt is covered, and tights are not the same as leggings. I would not rock these alone. They are amazing underneath things though because they are light weight, breathable, comfortable and I have to say considering how super comfy they are I am shocked by the control they give. It's not as much as a spanx, but there are no bulges where they end and I can live in them. I mean I have flown several times in my lytess shorts. I would never, ever, unless I wanted to really punish myself fly in spanx.

I got mine here, but you can also find them at bliss.

I would have requested sewn in spanx to.

Oatmeal leg banishers.

When Reality Crashes In

2011-12-09T11:17:00.000-05:00

I have been unemployed for three months give or take a day or two. I have known I would have to return to work. I mean I am not a lady of unlimited wealth so I knew the day would come. I just thought it would not be terribly soon and I might have more say in it. I was wrong.

The way my business works is it's not hugely interview driven. It's a lot more meetings and networking. It's very a friend of a friend, who you know and that sort of thing. There's a lot of comfort in this because you know the people you're dealing with or they have been vouched for in some way. It takes a little of the scary out of it. I have been meeting with people, reaching out to others, but known it's a process and not a very fast one. A friend gave me a head's up someone might be contacting me and they did. Not only did they contact me but they wondered if I could work for them starting next week until Mid-March. Sounds awesome right? It is. I freaked the eff out. I have been an anxiety ridden mess ever since. It's a pretty big job and it would be a really great opportunity. I am totally qualified to do it. So what is the problem? It's real. It's not like the other meetings where everything has been very loosey goosey and maybe this will happen maybe it won't. I have had the luxury of knowing my anna time was still very much protected. I was going through the motions, doing what I was supposed to do but knowing on some level my world was not going to change drastically just yet. I also have felt really secure in taking some downtime. I have consistently worked my butt off since I was 13 years old I think. I have never not been working so at 31 being the one steering the ship and responsible for the outcome I was more then okay with a little time off because when else am I ever going to get this chance? That being said I have done some work. A little project here and there. In this economy and with all the people looking for jobs I have not really been hugely open about my embracing of unemployment. It seems so wrong, but I think everyone is different and so is their situation. I am playing the cards I was dealt and despite many people telling me just get back out there, dive back in, more told me take the time, and enjoy it. Enjoy it I did.

I think what is setting me off into this tailspin of anxiety is I have to face what I have been avoiding. I have to move on. Real life is not taking some meetings, waffling about town, and not working. Real life is not waking up every morning and deciding your fate all day or at least it is not mine. While part of me does not want to take this job and be locked down until March I also know it's probably best I do. I need to face these fears of working with new people, feeling not up to snuff, and not hide in my little cocoon. I also know being productive is hugely tied to my sense of self and self esteem and waffling about while it feels good now won't soon enough. If I am really honest about it, it already is creeping in that feeling a little crummy because I am just not contributing much to the world currently. A few times a day I would say to myself, what are you doing? No, really what the hell are you doing? I still do not completely know, but I do know for sure I can only figure so much of it out on my own not participating in the world.

Yesterday I felt like a crazy person. I barely had any appetite which is super unusual for me, and just felt restless. I tried to figure out the cause, I went through my feelings, I talked to friends, I worked out, I ate some marshmallows, and nothing helped. Where I have netted out is change is uncomfortable. I am uncomfortable right now and it's just the way that it is. I have to sit with it. Whether I face it now and take this job should it be officially offered, or I pass and take the next one, this process will not be terribly different. It's going to feel uncomfortable and slightly weird, because for me it is. That's just the way that it is and sometimes reality just isn't sugarcoated despite trying to throw some marshmallows into the mix.

I am not proud and the whole bag was not consumed in one sitting for the record.

Ladies I love

2011-12-06T23:16:00.000-05:00

Model Harriet Coleman. I feel like Borat wah wah wee wah. What an absolutely stunning woman. She also happens to have 43 inch hips, and a headdress. In conclusion we need to be friends.

I can't. Makes me think its doable.

Beauty Obsessing

2011-12-03T18:17:00.000-05:00

I get a lot of emails about my make up. I appreciate each and every one because I love to talk make up. I've talked make up before but I do not feel like I have been completely honest in just how deep this obsession runs. I love beauty products. Love them. I am a smidge reformed considering how I used to be. I mean I used to have more products then any woman could ever hope to use in a lifetime. I wonder why my savings are meager and then look at how much I have sunk into beauty products. I'm not proud. I am better now about sticking to what works for me and not being seduced by the latest and greatest product that claims to change my life. I do however hold out hope for that magical product that completes me. Le sigh.

1. I take moisturizing very seriously. I never did and then started seeing Lulu who explained a lot of my skin complaints were related to not moisturizing enough. I started and the problems cleared up. I mean how much better do you look and feel with nice skin? I swear by extra virgin or just virgin coconut oil for the body, and Scientifica peach perfection moisturizer.

This is the brand I like. Just make sure whatever kind you use is not refined.

It's pricey but post 30 a girl has to invest in skincare.

2. Lips. I love Rosebud's lip salve. This is hardly a revolutionary confession. The best thing about it is in a pinch it smoothes your cuticles, fly aways, and my friend Jen swears it clears blemishes. I've never tried that. I also love a punch of lip color. My go to party lips lipstick is Nars Funny Face. If you don't want to deal with high maintenance lip upkeep you can put it on blot it and treat it like a stain. I love to pop some Lorac lip polish over it. Check out Hautelook.com they have some great make up deals. Face Stockholm makes a great lipstick as well for color newbies. It's the veil line. You can build up the color or just have a little bit and it has some shine to it.

Semi-Matte Fuschia perfection.

A little glossier and more subtle. Bright lip training wheels.

Lip survival.

3. Eyes. My day to day is smashbox. I love their eyelight palette in flash and generally just use the nude shade. Eyeliner wise, I am obsessed with Styli-Style. It's cheap, it's stay put, and I can get it at a drugstore instead of getting sucked into a beauty counter or sephora.

Not the one I use, but maybe should be.

Seriously. Get on board with Styli-Style.

4. Taking it off. I use Purpose face wash and I am always on the hunt for good make up removers. Right now I enjoy Neutrogenas eye make up remover in hydrating. It does a pretty good job and does not make my eyes hurt. For the most part though I am resigned to always having a little bit of eye make up remaining.

Super gentle cleanser and effective.

Pretty good stuff.

5. Cheeks. I resisted blush and bronzer forever. Then I discovered it and for a while looked a little scary but eventually found my way. I like to swish a little bronzer on my cheeks side of face and down the nose, and then dot my cheeks with blush. It works for me. I highly recommend the bronzer blush combo. I love Kevyn Aucoin's bronzer in Natural. It's super light, virtually impossible to over apply and often available on sale on hautelook.com. It also lasts forever. I feel like it keeps replenishing itself at night. For blush I love lorac desire. It looks neon pink in the container. Do not be afraid. It's pretty sheer, but a little goes a long way so it also lasts forever.

A lovely bronzer that does not make you look dirty.

Doll cheek maker.

6. Hair. Shampoo and Conditioner wise I am slutty and strictly drugstore. I go back and forth between L'oreal and John Frieda brilliant brunette. Product wise, I swear by Moroccan Oil. I like to put just a drop in when my hair is wet and then a smidge more when it's dry to contain any unruliness. I recently started using Janet Waddell's genius hair balm. It's pretty amazing. I swear it's the best thing for wavy hair. It keeps it soft and wavy without any stickiness which I can not stand. I can style it or let it air dry and it looks pretty amazing for very little effort, and it just takes a drop of the balm. My kind of hair product.

It not only works but smells good.

Genius is correct.

What products can you not live without? What products have I maybe missed in my obsessing?!

Sometimes...

2011-12-02T18:26:00.001-05:00

Sorry, the picture does not really do it's volume justice.

You go for a haircut and walk out looking like you are getting ready for a beauty pageant. I love Janet who does my hair. She's amazing and talked me out of the severe bob I sort of but not really wanted to do. I seriously indulge in hair fantasies. I mean I can barely handle brushing my hair much less a style that requires major styling. Anyway, on occasion she gives me THE MOST ridiculous blowouts. I mean where does she think I am going? I feel both silly and super glam. Happily it did not start raining immediately post haircut and I have a party to go to tonight so it will not be wasted. Win win.

Now on to some updates. I had yoga the other day. It was amazing! Olivia is super great and I am really looking forward to working with her. I was also pleasantly surprised because even though my yoga practice has sucked lately my strength training hasn't. Poses I had struggled with before I really wasn't. It was super encouraging. I however did not plan to well because I had yoga with her and then worked out with Egon that evening. Thursday luckily I did not have too many plans for using my upper body which is good because it was not an option. Holy shoulder/arm soreness, they still hurt for the record.

Operation starve the crush is going pretty well. There's been some sightings and witty banter but I'm taking it for what it is. Whenever I start feeling tempted to overanalyze or talk myself back into obsessing I remind myself if he liked me he would let me know and he's not so I don't want to waste time on him. It's a lengthy mantra but so far so good. It would be really super helpful though if he could just suck in some way at least once. This whole thing though is once again making me look at my relationship between weight and rejection. I was talking to my mom about it and she brought up a good point though. She said lets say he did tell you that you were too big for him, what would that solve for you? Would you really feel better if you knew that. No, no I wouldn't. It would definitely sting no matter how much I think it is THE reason. Sometimes we like to think we know what could hurt us the most and be prepared for it but we wouldn't be. I like being able to assume it like I have it figured out, but I would hate if it's the reason because it is the one thing I am still super hung up on about myself. The rest of me I am pretty okay with and if you didn't like it too bad. The weight, I would have to nod my head in agreement. I think I am closer to giving up this rejection escape hatch. I am over it, and ready to be rejected just because I am just too much awesome contained in one girl, bear with me while I indulge in some bravado....

Food wise, I have been doing pretty well this week. No super stretches without eating, no drinking this week, and the night snacking was under control. I have actually been eating pretty boring this week. Lots of simple sandwiches, chicken, and smoothies. I am pretty exciting ya'll. I did however have a lovely sushi lunch with my friend Kim that was a lovely break from my sandwich monotony and I got to see her gorgeous face. I have to say when I get back to working full time I am really going to miss being able to see my friends all the time. I love being able to have lunch with my girls. I think I forget what they look like in the daytime.

Lets recap shall we...crazy pageant hair, crush extinguishing, and a return to more normal eating. How is everyone else finishing out the week?

P.S. I got the best text ever in the whole world. My friend Lauren from LA, she's coming to NYC next week for a visit!!!! I could not be more excited. Seriously. I might have to take benadryl every night.

Wading in the Muck

2011-11-29T16:00:00.001-05:00

Lets see a few things to update on. The holiday was lovely. Everyone behaved! My brother informed me I looked skinny and was hardly even fat anymore. Charming isn't he? He then continued and said depending on what guys I asked they might not think I was fat either. What I learn from little dagger comments like that though is I don't really give an eff what he thinks and you can not like something, but still not react to it negatively. I just shut it down. My new line when someone says something I just do not wish to even get into is retreat. I literally said to my brother retreat, retreat, and then when he was still talking I said, " You know I am kind of in a new place where I don't care what guys think. I could be a size 0 and some guy could still say I was fat if I let them." I have learned the hard way when you give people the power to validate you, it's a tough road back to reclaiming that as your personal right. I am looking to no longer give that away and certainly not to my brother. I do totally care what guys think but I no longer look to a male opinion to give me any validation or determine if I am fat or not. Regardless of whether or not I am, I no longer identify with fat. I have days I slip a little back and definitely struggle to see the progress I have made and by no means do I think I am thin I just try not to think in those limited terms anymore.

I sort of went a little man crazy over the weekend. Ugh. Can we take a moment to discuss secret crushes and how they start out all innocent and delightful and then take on a whole new life of their own? It starts so innocently and then before you know it they breathe and you are looking for meaning in it. I decided I wanted off the crazy train after making a panicked phone call to Katie Sunday night. Usually I am not a make a frantic phone call about a dude kind of girl. I would be fine with that if most of the situation was not 1. in my head, and 2. starting to take on a life of it's own. I was so freaked by my behavior I brought it up in therapy. I had one of those realizations that is very simple but one I had never made. I seek out emotionally unavailable men. This particular one I would not describe as emotionally unavailable, but physically because no moves are being made and I am certainly not making one. I not only seek them out, but I have never not known one. I mean any guy who has ever spent an extended amount in my life has not been emotionally available. It's what I know so it's what I drift towards. I still have quite a bit of thinking to do on this front. Obviously it's easier said then done trying to squash a crush but it's not impossible if you quit feeding it. I have to starve the crush. I spoke to Katie again last night, seeking out her wise counsel and something else I said to her is I am not giving in to unhealthy instincts or behaviors but I guess I just thought it would feel differently. This is not the case. Just because you do not act out does not mean the impulses do not change. Hmmm the irony of this parallel in my many other struggles is not lost on me for the record.

Moving along, the weight is I am not going to lie to you not so awesome. It's up. How much I am not 100% sure, but definitely a few pounds. This week I am going to try to keep it clean. I was supposed to have a few get drinks catch ups and I scaled that back. I am a little over alcohol right now, and just feeling a little gross and over indulgent so out goes the alcohol off the bat.

Another thing is I am returning to yoga. After my spectacular break up with my yoga instructor I am diving back in. I totally used our split as a reason to run away from yoga. It was definitely stirring feelings and the bust up gave me a great and convenient excuse to duck out. I am excited to get back into yoga, not so excited about what it could stir up but I am at a point right now where I want to be confronting what is uncomfortable then ignoring it. Delving through the past is not easy, it's emotionally draining, upsetting, and a daily battle, but I tell you what each thing I allow myself to think about as an adult loses a little of it's power over me. The lessening of the hold makes me feel like the fears, experiences, and unknowns that hold me back from reaching my goals are not impossible to move beyond. They really aren't they are just as not easily worked through or remedied as I would like. I would love to just make a list and merrily work my way through it. Just does not work that way with emotional muck unfortunately. I get it, I accept it, and now I work on it.

Anyone want to share some secret or not so secret crush stories to make me feel less foolish? I'll be your best friend and love you forever.

Happy Thanksgiving!

2011-11-24T12:23:00.000-05:00

I should be showering and getting ready to head to my mom's place, but why do that when you can blog and drink another coffee? I am a girl with her priorities in check. I also have not heard back from Katie about what she's wearing. That's my story and I am sticking to it.

Even though we're just eating at my mom's place outfit choice is still crucial. I try to dress up a little bit to reflect that it is a holiday. I can not wear pants too tight otherwise lets face it they are tight and uncomfortable. I can handle mom's house what I am a little tripped up by is going out after. Yes, there's a fella involved I'll leave it that. Ugh, clothes are dumb.

I am excited this year because I feel really calm. Last year I was still pretty new to not leading a disordered eating lifestyle. I was still pretty nervous about anything that was centered around food. I chanted the tips that Marisa gave me. I almost felt like I trained for the day. This year I am really not worried at all. It's one meal, one day and I have the skills to not make it spiral out of control. I am not going to let my family make me crazy and reach for another dessert when what I really want to do is tell them to be quiet. I am so happy Katie is coming. She did not join us last year and it just did not feel the same.

More then anything I am thankful today. I am thankful for all the amazing friends I have in my life, for the people I have met through this blog, for the support and kindness people have shown me, for the gift of unemployment I was given and for not being terror struck by what should be a pleasant day but isn't when food is the enemy. Food is no longer then enemy and neither is myself, I could not be more thankful to really be learning that and beginning to practice it. That being said I probably will eat more then I want to, drink a little too much (listen my family would drive anyone to drink, don't judge. ), but I will also laugh a lot and have a wonderful day because I'm getting it I do not have to be perfect to enjoy life. I am most thankful for beginning to grasp that. Focus less on perfect and more on just being. It's all you can do, that and eat turkey.

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone far and wide! Non-Americans have a turkey toast to us! What are all of you thankful for?

Lets Move it Along

2011-11-22T14:46:00.000-05:00

It's been a little while since I set some goals. It feels like it's time to do so.

1. Back to food journaling. I have been so incredibly off track on this front. I have not logged a damn thing in probably a month. No es bueno.

2. Get back to yoga. Yoga has been dicey recently. I get SUPER emotional and it's super embarrassing, and distracting. I am starting private yoga lessons because this girl Olivia I know teaches and is super cheap. Problem solved.

3. Add more structure into daily routine. I have become quite the tumbleweed embracing my freedom a little too much...

4. Better meal planning and grocery shopping. I have been really lax about this. I think since I am home a lot now I am afraid about having too much food in the house. So far the day eating has been totally fine. The night eating not so great but the days I am really bad about eating enough during the day directly affects the night eating. Lets learn from this shall we Anna?

5. Add more time to my cardio workouts. My cardio attention span got real short for a while. I up'ed my intensity and shortened my time. I think it's time to up my time a little bit to boost it's effectiveness. Especially with all the Haagen Daz going on in my belly.

Anyone else redefining their goals?

Dual Citizenship

2011-11-22T11:00:00.000-05:00

I am a lucky girl for many reasons. One thing is I feel really lucky about is to not really be any one thing. I am both from the South and North.This was even more reaffirmed to me being in Arkansas. By day two I had reignited a major southern drawl. I caught myself pronouncing North Carolina, North Care-OH-Liiiinnne-UH. I could try to describe how much fun I had this weekend and would still not succeed. I could try to explain how great the girls I got to hang with are, and how amazing their fellas are, and how much precious the babies are but I will not succeed. It was a fantastic weekend with fantastic people.

We kicked off the weekend with a girl's night out. I got to see Melissa's Mom for a quick second and then we were off. I love her mom. She is a saint. She is one of the most amazing women I have been lucky enough to know. She has always been in my life with a kind word, reassurance, and has always consistently built me up. As much as I hate to say it, she's kind of the mom I wish I had but I am happy to just have her in my life. We headed out and there is nothing that prepares you for heading out with a mom of a toddler and a 4 month old who has not been out in a year. You generally should train for these sort of things. I do not think we stopped talking for hours. We went out, caught up, and had a great time. There was a fair amount of alcohol, not going to lie. Then Friday we woke up, lazed around a little and then picked up the boys from Mother's Day Out. While Melissa had a quick nap I caught up with her mom. As we say in the south we visited. I love these sayings and do not even realize I have forgotten them until I here it. Her mom is just so amazing. I know I have said it already but she really is amazing. She kept saying how amazing I looked, always had, and how proud she was of me. It was really nice and rather then deflect it I just let her say it. Post visit it was off to get the boys.

It's a treat to get to see an old friend, but to get a glimpse into their reality is really fun. I was so excited to meet her boys. I met the baby briefly the night before we he needed a bottle and a change, but I was excited to really get to meet him without being a little tipsy. How do you know you're not ready for kids yet when you're excited to snuggle one drunk. Bad Godmomma. Bad. We picked up the boys, got them snacks, and everyone settled. Then good friends of Melissa's arrived and round two began. We visited, had a cocktail, and then got ready to go out. Girls just never change much do they? We're in our thirties but of course have to crowd together in the bathroom to do our hair and make up together. We went to dinner, and let me for a second talk about the food in Arkansas.

Oh the food. I ate green vegetables once. Once. I am not proud of this. I also ate fried pickles, pizza, real soda, a cinnamon bun the size of my head, hash browns, corn pudding, pulled pork, a cubano sandwich, and a pack of swiss rolls. I am not even discussing how much alcohol I had. If there is a shortage of vodka in Arkansas I have to hang my head and raise my hand that it's my fault. I gained a pound and a half while I was away. Not shocked at all and was just relieved that it was not ten because I would have deserved that. It freaked me out a little but I just rolled with it, did what I can and just took deep breaths. It was not my ideal to have a big blow out weekend the week before Thanksgiving, but what can you do? When in Arkansas, eat a lot of pork. That's what you do.

Being there and spending time with Melissa and being with her family just reinforced to me how much I want family. My own family is just not who I can count on. My Mom and brother are fighting currently and I am remaining neutral. I just do not have the patience or energy for it. I am sort of moving towards my logical family, the people I have chosen to be my family get the full access to me, but my family can not. I just can not trust them with myself. I am not going to keep going to the same people expecting different results. I am going to keep investing in the people who I can just relax and be myself with. I spent Saturday on the couch waiting my turn to snuggle the baby in sweatpants and my comfort hoodie not caring at all that I had raccoon eyes, and was wearing in PUBLIC my in private only hoodie, and had not showered. We laughed, commiserated, reported on our hangover progress, relived the night, and then laughed some more. We headed off to bed at about 8pm that tells you the shape we were in. Sunday we had to get it together there was a baptism to be had.

Sunday, I needed a hair dryer. I was in Melissa's bathroom and we laughed looking in the mirror that we were getting ready for church how it all comes full circle. We were always on each other's approved Saturday night sleepover lists because we would behave in church. Now 100 years later we're getting ready for church again. The baptism was lovely, and I still insist the pastor said to protect the child from wiccans not the wicked. At the airport I was sad to go, but so happy to have been there. To have had four days with someone who means so much to me, and to be able to laugh, share, and most importantly just be made me feel very lucky and thankful. Appropriate timing for this time of year hmmm....

Mel and I, before truly kicking off the goat rodeo of an evening.

My precious snuggly Godson.

Typical man pantless man watching football.

Sex in the City Meets Arkansas

2011-11-17T00:51:00.000-05:00

Sorry...I have been a little quiet as of late or at least it feels that way. My days consist of meetings, research, writing, the gym, social shenanigans, and coffee. I am off tomorrow though!

I am Arkansas bound! I am going to become a Godmother, which is awesomely exciting. My friend Melissa is my oldest friend in the world. We have been friends since we were two years old. Considering how much I moved around I think it's pretty cool we have remained friends. Melissa is hilarious and quite possibly one of my favorite people in the world, whenever I pick up my phone and hear a super southern accent saying Buh-nan-uh I smile ear to ear and know my day is about to get brighter and funnier. I have been a little stumped as to what to wear while I was there. The weather is about the same as here except much colder at night. I was not sweating it too much until I was talking to Melissa. We spoke today finalizing details, giving her my flight info and she says, " I am so excited for you to meet my friends, I told them it's Sex in the City comes to Arkansas." Well that changes a lot. Gone are my country casual fashion thoughts and hello are my anxious cold sweats. I mean I know it's a casual statement, but it's just funny to me. Melissa despite being a proud mama of 2 boys, being married for a few years now feels more Sex in the City to me then I do. She still goes out, dresses fabulously and has never let motherhood slow her down. I mean this is the same girl who was so excited for her second child to be born she wished she could just take ambien the last two days before his arrival to speed it up. Anyone 9 months pregnant who will admit they wish they could just knock themselves out because they are so excited until their kid is born is a okay with me. She is who she is two kids or not. When we were growing up we played a lot of dress up. I mean a lot. I had sort of an epic collection of dress up clothes, as a pite sized clothes hoarder from a young age. My mom's bridesmaid dresses from her friends were big hits in the dress up circuit. We often would play a version of Madonna. She was always the Madonna of Desperately Seeking Susan variety, a little punk, lace gloves, this was cobbled together by being children of the 80's and an old Halloween costume. I was always the Madonna from Like a Virgin, or Like a Birgin as I said it. I was too embarrassed to say virgin. I did not know what it meant but that it was grown up, and wanted no part of it. That right there in a nutshell is how we meshed and how we differ. We were always at one or the others house growing up. Her family was my second family, and she's my only friend who knew my Dad. Sort of interested to ask her if she remembers anything about him. Melissa always sought adventure and I was always more then happy to comply. One of our family folklore stories is we decided to be pioneers and got ourselves a raft and went exploring in the neighbor's prize winning koi pond. These are two stories that stand out, but Melissa, her family and the times we had are some of my absolute purest and best childhood memories. I love her most for that I think. She always has and will remain a treasured link to the past, and I am lucky enough to still have her in my present.

Melissa always was and remains exciting, slightly rebellious, and up for anything. I am pretty sure it has been at least 20 years since we had a sleep over. Seeing as she was my first friend, sleep over and oldest it's a pretty exciting weekend ahead. Oh and I get to be a Godmother, which I want to be referred to as at all times. Not really, but I am having some fun with it.

Sorry lil bro that you do not have pants on. When not dressing ourselves up a poodle sufficed.

Melissa and I also did ballet for YEARS together. Sadly I did not have a photo on hand, but this super embarrassing one of me will have to do.

But do they really?

2011-11-11T15:03:00.000-05:00

The 1930's got so much right aside from the whole Depression thing.

In continuing on my dating and man related musings I have been thinking a lot about weight and attraction. Did everyone get a chance to see the Ashley Madison ad's that are pretty gross and offensive? Don't worry I posted them down below. What has been amazing to me is not just the reaction. Ashley Madison a website geared towards allowing you to cheat on your spouse would not be keeping it too classy so why would their ads be? From them I expect little. I am however amused by their name being close to a plus sized women's clothing brand. I have however, been really impressed by the reactions. I was reading over at xo.jane in their reaction to the ad and how larger ladies have sex and plenty of it. The article was cool, but the really interesting thing to me was the comment section. Woman after woman talking about how being larger did not impact their love life. A brave man even waded into the comment water. While he was slightly ick I appreciated that he commented and shared his thoughts as someone who thought he had to come out of the fat closet of liking women who did not subscribe to norms.

I'll admit it what spun me less was not a guy saying having sex with large ladies was great, but all the women discussing their weights and sex lives in relation to them. There were multiple women who said they weighed 200 and 300 plus pounds and felt their love lives had not been impacted. This is tough for me to grasp. See now it was told to me a big reason I had to lose weight was for men to like me and find me attractive. The idea that men can find me attractive not thin is a challenging one for me. On the one hand I know men who have found me attractive, they have either told me or tried to see me naked which is pretty proof positive, but I am not sure how much I totally believed and trusted their attraction. While I have my own issue struggling to really believe I am attractive and more importantly offer more then my figure from an attraction stand point what came across to me loud and clear is confidence. I think in some ways I gave off more confidence at 300 plus pounds because I wanted to deflect. I refused to be an overweight wallflower. I overcompensated big time. I went after the hottest guys who came across my path and pursued them undeterred. I would be outrageous, fearless, and just faked, faked, faked that confidence until I thought it had been bought. I do not really do that anymore. I mean occasionally I do, like when I am put on the spot in a meeting with someone. Sure, I will fake it to a degree that I forget I was nervous or unsure, but in a social setting I am a lot less inclined to do this. I feel more confident at the core. I feel more sure of who I am and that being an okay and good thing, but sadly this does not completely translate into my appeal to the opposite sex. It's been said enough and by enough people for me to believe that confidence is sexier then a size. I have embraced and drank this kool-aid.

Okay so we know confidence is probably one of the number one things we're all looking for. Not just men. I know for me a guy who is confident without being an ego maniac is suuuper seksi to me. I mean you're cool with just being who you are and relaxed in that? Hubba hubba. Moving forward I want to change how I display confidence. I do not want to go back to where I was before. I think that girl was a borderline jerk sometimes and it was exhausting. I want to find a way to really internalize that what I think of men and attraction is not so correct. What I was told regarding needing to be thin to get a man was told to me by a woman. What does she know? I mean really. I can not really ignore the fact though that while I have dated since I have lost weight I have not had a dramatic increase in male interest. I sort of thought the weight would come off and the boys would line up. Not really the most realistic plan or well thought out, but I guess I just sort of thought it would take care of itself. I would be able to relax more and not pursue and would be pursued is what I distill from my flawed logic. Here's the real kicker when men do seem genuinely interested in me I am still a little flipped out. I immediately think of all the negatives. I think oh no can't you come back round in a few months when I have more weight off. Why?! They like me now, as I am and they are not stupid. They know when the jeggings come off I am not going to suddenly morph into a size 6, I know this, they are cool with this why do I REFUSE to believe it and just trust it? The short answer would be I am a scaredy cat. The long one I am not sure yet because I have fine arts degrees not ones in psychology unfortunately.

I do know this though you never really know what someone is looking for and just assuming they do not want you is one surefire way to shut something down before it even has a chance. I mean I have liked a huge varied merry band of men, I would like to say liked not necessarily dated, or been in a relationship with. Their looks have had little in common, I've dated guys who were tall, short, different races, wildly different looks. What they did have in common was they were all funny, smart, amused by shenanigans, the character traits link them not the looks. Looking at this and seeing what I myself have been drawn to and how it's about the person and yes a dose of attraction makes me want to approach it a little differently. Why not think just for a second that you're pretty great and have these awesome hips on top of it to offer and he might just like that to? I challenge myself to this...and to quit only going on lady dates with my girlfriends. That certainly is not getting me any closer to dating men even though it is a delightful way to spend an evening.

What do ya'll think? Do you really believe confidence is the answer? How has weight affected your dating life?

I think the most offensive part is these are not even remotely clever ads.

Oh good a simplified check and x system to make it REALLY clear.

Also here are links to interviews with the model, who's name is Juicy Jacqulyn ( I love that, I might sneak a juicy into my name somewhere) who's image was used without her knowledge. She's pretty great in her own right, and I loved that a lot of her outrage was in promoting body shaming.

http://www.xojane.com/issues/xojane-interview-juicy-jacqulyn-bbw-model-whos-speaking-out-against-ashley-madisons-size-ist-

http://jezebel.com/5857045/im-the-scary-model-in-that-awful-ashley-madison-ad

Regret

2011-11-09T17:56:00.000-05:00

I am not a hugely regretful person. Of course I have some, a lot are fashion choices or things I thought were the epitome of cool and were not, or food related both things I should and should not have eaten. I have a few related to how long I lived my life disconnected and overweight. I get why I did, or I should say I am beginning to. It's not something you can really regret it just happened and I have to accept it and move on. Easier said then done. What I tend to regret most is things I say. These are not things which are hurtful or anything like that. No I am talking about emotional sluttiness.

It's weird getting to know people. I have a less then straightforward history. There is a big mix of good and bad. While my childhood was not awful it was not amazing either. I have a weird relationship with my family, a Dad who dropped dead when I was 16, I had cancer, a lifetime battle with eating disorders, and now a huge weight loss. It's tough to know when to share and when not to. I used to overshare way too much way too fast. I think I did this to see if I could push someone away and it also felt dishonest to me not telling them where I came from. The way I saw it was well if we're friends they are going to learn about it sooner then later. I am better at tempering this now. I am better about slowly but surely letting things out, and just taking the time to get to know someone and letting them know me. I still struggle sometimes with what is over sharing and what is just sharing? I also typically am plagued with these feelings of regret after telling someone things about myself. I want to flee. I want to never see them again. I obsess over it, replay it, cringe, and then eventually end up at regret. I wish I had a history that was all puppies, unicorns and rainbows but I don't and I can not feel ashamed or bad about that. I constantly am afraid that things which happened to me will push people away and I will continue to be victimized by them. How much of this is real and how much I project I do not know. Where it really worries me is with men. At the core I feel like I do not deserve someone who has it together because I am so tainted by the past and every time I get to know someone I feel like I slip down the ladder a little bit after each disclosure. I become THAT girl. The one who seems like she has it together but she's a mess and too much too take on. I feel like this would be a good time to remind myself and everybody fear is not always rational.

I think this is part of why I keep myself on an island. This is why I have lots of different groups of friends I move between, I maintain loose ties to my extended family, and dating scares the absolute bejesus out of me. On my island I am safe. I do not have to worry about rejection. I can feel secure about keeping my secrets to myself and allowing people to know who I want them to know. I am tired of this island though but finding a new way to be is tough. Finding a way to balance my disclosing nature with what a natural pace of knowledge of is tricky. It's different for every relationship and everybody. How do you know when to share what and do you have to?

How does everyone else deal with disclosing their past?

Guest Post

2011-11-07T10:25:00.000-05:00

I did a guest post over on Amie's site Running on Healthy. Check it out. Let me know how you think your body image has affected your ability to practice healthy behaviors. Thank you to Amie for guesting, and letting me guest. It's a lot of fun, and anyone who has stumbled upon my blog from it, welcome! Lovely to meet you.

Oh Dating

2011-11-06T15:37:00.001-05:00

Something I do not talk about often is dating. There's no real reason I don't, except I do not date much. I am not a good dater. I get nervous, there are episodes of epic face sweats and I am definitely pre-disposed to going into a creepy nervous version of myself. I would like to be seeing someone and for a little while I got really hopped up on this. I was tired of being alone and felt ready to be with someone. Yeah, I wasn't ready. I was dating someone for a little while and it was stirring the eee-mo-shuns. I was super scared. Scared of actually being with someone, being hurt, and all my insecurities were crashing in on me hard. Let me also be clear. I have zero game. If I am not into someone I can be terribly charming, if I like you I am a fool. I think this is the curse everyone suffers from. I am learning how to be more relaxed and focus less on rejection and more on chemistry. When it does not work it's not because there is anything wrong with you but it just did not work out. This is incredibly hard to keep in mind. I want it to be the old excuse of I was too fat. I am not too fat anymore so I have to challenge myself to actually accept and process that this man might actually like and accept me. Scary.

Anyway back to the guy. We had been dating a little while. Not serious and it was sort of a weird situation. He lives somewhere else so there were travel dates and it was all very exciting. One night we were on the phone. He had actually had quite a bit to drink. He says, " I do not know why you are playing so hard to get. I can get girls hotter then you." Wow. Once I had picked my jaw up I said a thing or two and got off the phone. My feelings were definitely hurt, but also that's probably one of the worst things someone could say to me. I learned something important though, it did not crumple me, and how I dealt with this was revealing. I broke it off with him. I told him straight up drunk or not he meant it on some level, and even if he did not, I did not want to date someone who lashed out when they were not getting what they wanted. It would have been easy for me to stick around. I know how to do that. I know how to be with someone who prays on my insecurities and says things that are crappy. Been there, done that, bored by it. I can keep doing that. I can keep seeing guys who make me feel crappy because they are there and available or I can just bide my time and wait for a great one. I would rather wait.

I have been hanging out with a really great guy. Just hanging, just friendship, but he is really a fantastic person. He is kind, respectful, and nice to me. At first I was confused by him completely. I was hugely doubtful he was actually who he seems to be. I kept waiting for the other side to come out. It never does. He shows up when he is supposed to, he does what he says, and his actions match his words. While tempting to try to make this friendship into something more I am taking a different approach. I am just hanging out. I am learning how to be around someone amazing who makes me feel great around them to guide me in truly believing and seeing that is the type of guy I should be dating. I am also just being myself. I am actually allowing him to see who I am and taking that risk. I am reminding myself that even if this does not end up in romance it's not a failure. I am lucky to have a few great guys in my life who remind me what I should be after and what I need to quit settling for. Their friendship shows me what is possible. Great guys who accept you for who you are. Not icky guys who take their own issues out on you. I know intellectually it's more about them then me, but I also know that I turn this stuff against myself. I am inclined to think if I try harder, work more, be better, more perfect they will change, be happier, like me more. It's exhausting and it certainly is not healthy or sexy.

I have wasted way too much time with guys who did not appreciate me and the worst part is it wasn't their fault. It was mine. I did not appreciate myself and I certainly did not think I deserved someone who had it together. We all have baggage, we all have issues, but it does not mean we have to be with someone broken to hide out with. As much as it scares me I want to challenge myself to date up, and not down. To not seek out the guys I know play to my unhealthy side and bring out the worst in me. I want to surround myself with people who make me want to only put best self forward and who appreciate it and are considerate of it. I have my moments where I want to melt down, think really cuckoo thoughts but then I take a breath, remind myself I am awesome and move this show along.

Guest Post by Amie at Running on Healthy

2011-11-01T14:07:00.000-04:00

I love, love, love Amie over at Running on Healthy. I have really enjoyed reading her blog over the past few months relating to her moving toward maintenance. I appreciate her honesty and admitting it's not easy so I asked her to write about it here. Check out what she had to say below.

“Fears over tomorrow and regrets over yesterday are twin thieves that rob us of the moment.” ~Anonymous

Hi! My name is Amie, and I am the woman behind the blog over at running-on-healthy.com. Anna and I decided it would be fun to do guest post’s on each others blogs, so here I am! I absolutely jumped at the offer to be on DFFA, I think Anna’s writing is witty, honest, and completely intuitive and I find I relate to so many of her posts.

Today I am going to discuss my maintenance journey, but first, a quick background.

I began my weight loss journey in February of 2010, and started my blog shortly after in March. My weight loss was very slow, and very difficult. I became a Vegetarian in November 2010, and a Runner in February 2011. I ran my first official run in May 2011. I stopped losing weight in June, and ran a half marathon in September.

Since June, I have maintained my weight between 121-125lb, which is my goal range. A loss of 70ish pounds, as my highest recorded weight was 191lb.

Something that I didn’t expect happened when I decided I was done with my weight loss. I was gripped by a constant fear of failure. I had just accomplished all of my goals in regards to fitness and weight loss. I achieved everything I set out to do. So now what?

You hear about all of the failures. The people who lose the weight, can’t maintain, and gain it all back. Was I going to become a part of this statistic? Could I really keep this up for the rest of my life? Wait a minute... if feels like just yesterday I was a fat girl, with zero confidence. Where did this body come from? How did this happen so fast?

It felt like my brain had not fully processed that I had lost the weight. Yes. I saw the scale drop. Yes. I went from a size 14 to a size 2. But there were times (and there definitely still are) when I would look in the mirror and be horrified by how large I was.

Since June, the negative personal image and fear of failure have both decreased, although they are not completely gone, nor do I ever think they will be.

I guess what I am trying to say, is that your journey never really ends. There isn’t a day that will ever come in my life where I will feel completely free of my weight struggles, and I think that only people who struggle with their weight will have to deal with this.

Yes, I have achieved enormous success, but I still learn something new every day about my body, my habits, and my search for a healthy life.

It is important to recognize our imperfections. It is equally important to embrace them. Wherever you are in your journey, identify what positive changes you have made in your life, and congratulate yourself on taking the steps to be a healthier you.

If you are close to your goals, if you are far away from your goals, if you are somewhere in between, take a week or two to practice maintenance. Weight loss and weight gain do not appear over night, and being able to understand how your body maintains weight is just as important as understanding calories in vs calories out, weight gain vs weight loss, and happiness and acceptance vs perfection.

Things I Will Never Be Good At

2011-10-31T13:59:00.000-04:00

I usually focus on how I want to be. I usually do not get bogged down by what I am not. It can be sort of liberating to give yourself permission to accept what you are not. It sort of takes it off the life list to something else you might be better suited for to come in. Below is a list of what I am no longer looking to be.

1. I will never be the girl who can wear an all white outfit. I am a spiller. I embrace messy, white and I will never be a match.

2. I do not get the appeal of drinking games or card games and will no longer try to embrace them.

3. Karaoke. Don't like it, don't do it, want no part of it.

4. Be crafty. I would love to create that perfect bed side table finding some treasure in the country and lovingly restoring it to perfection after I have made my home made soap. This will probably never happen.

5. Have smaller feet or nicer hands. Both are a disaster. Thankfully I can delegate this task to QQ nails. Seriously if you're in Manhattan go to them. They are amazing. I can make a manicure last for 2 weeks sometimes from them.

6. Drink scotch, whiskey or bourbon. I think it's sexy when women drink these things, but they are so not for me. I no longer strive to be a brown liquor drinker. Vodka 4-eva!

7. Stop picking at my face. I know it's gross, I know it makes things worse, I know I am not fixing anything, and I know I am causing the marks on my face but every blemish represents the time I could get it right.

8. I will probably always wonder if a guy really likes me up until we're making out. Not such a good judge of that. Not so much at all. The making out helps.

9. I will always think when I have a little time before I need to leave and go somewhere that I can accomplish some huge task in the spare 10 minutes. I should just empty the dishwasher but why not try to redo my floors. I swear I am smart.

10. As much as I wish I could pop a card in the mail for every occasion my friends and family deserve one for I will just never pull it off. I am not a card sender. Instead of always having the guilts I will just accept this. I have at least progressed to wrapping gifts and not just handing really unfortunate looking packages to people with a sheepish shrug.

What are your I will never be lists?

New Diet Plan

2011-10-28T13:31:00.000-04:00

I have continued to cook and go about my daily life. Here's the weird thing. I am cooking using heavy cream, cheese, and oil. These are not my usual go to things. I am way more skim or almond milk, low fat cheese and oil what's that. The best part I am losing more weight. Last week, the week of risotto eating I lost 3 pounds. If I am being honest there was not just risotto eating, but also real ice cream, and mascarpone with honey and pumpkin seeds. According to my nutritionist typically when people cook with higher calorie higher fat ingredients they eat less. She said when you are steaming everything you are a lot more likely to let yourself eat however much of it that you want. When you know what's in there you eat less. I do not feel hungry. I am certainly not restricting. It does flip me out a little bit the higher fat things. I just take it into account for my other meals. I am stricter about my snacks making sure they are more nutrient dense then just tasty. Lunch is a little more boring and just knock it out, because it's tasty dinners that my heart belongs to. It's cold out and I want warm comforting tasty dinners that remind me of my childhood.

My mom god bless her, made dinner just about every night of my life. She not only cooked but made everything from scratch. I never had bottled dressing, sauce, any of that, always mom made. There also was always a salad. I do not think I remember ever a meal we did not have a salad. I totally took that for granted growing up. It's now making my own sauces, and dressings I really appreciate all the effort she went to to make us delicious healthy dinners. I guess it's true we all turn into our mom's because lately I want to make everything and always serve dinner with a salad...with dressing I made. If only I could replicate hers! It's seriously simple but mine never tastes the same. I am pretty sure she puts magic on there she is not owning up to.

I want to cut corners, swap things, but instead I just adjust the portions. I think maybe my unemployment project should be the eat heavy cream and lose weight cookbook. Cooking is a great challenge though because you can't be afraid or hung up on perfection. That's for baking which I am not dipping my toes into yet. If I start baking someone stage an intervention because that will just be a covert way for me to eat my feelings.

I guess me point in all this is, don't be afraid to make things you love and enjoy it. You might end up eating less, and being happier then with your grilled chicken and steamed veggies. Pasta never killed anyone. It was not having it that did.

Tonight's adventure, another Joy The Baker recipe, and this kale salad. Not sure I can get down with a brown butter dressing. BUTTER DRESSING?! Whaaaaaaat? Mind blown.

http://www.joythebaker.com/blog/2009/12/big-fat-bolognese-sauce-with-fresh-pasta/

http://acozykitchen.com/butternut-squash-kale-salad/

When in Doubt

2011-10-27T16:57:00.000-04:00

Wear skintight black pants. I had been fighting the pants thing the past few weeks. My body is all of a sudden changing and sort of quickly. I hear sustained weight loss does this but it's been a while. I was starting to have pant issues. My standard glued to my body black pants were not so glued. At first I loved the room. Loved seeing the space in the waistband, not going to lie. I love me some loose clothes. All of a sudden though it's no longer cute. It's saggy bums and baggy knees and no amount of drying on high will rectify the situation. This is when you have to embrace new pants. I swear by, live in, and own way too many pairs of Old Navy's jeggings. You might be thinking, jeggings? Even the name sounds awful. I know, I know, but just trust me. They sound like a really horrible unflattering idea. These are just super tight stretchy jeans, they have some substance and are not just leggings made to look like jeans. I think these in the darker colors are super flattering, comfy and well someone should stage an intervention because more often then not they are on my body. I even like to pop shorter desses over them. The first stage is admitting you have a problem. I resigned myself to needing to re-up my supplies and headed over to Old Navy. I was not down one but two pant sizes. Granted, being down two sizes in jeggings is really more like one to a half size in real clothes. Lets keep it honest here. More stretch equals more give so as much as I would LOVE to take that as the gospel I know when I buy real pants it could end in tears. Lets not set ourselves up shall we.

When the weather turns cooler and I can wear my target's finest pleather jacket, and my boots that I would marry if that wasn't totally weird all of a sudden I turn a little more rocker then my usual style. I like the mix of feminine and tough accents. A little lace trim on my shirt makes me feel a little more girly and less motorcycle mama. I feel a little naked in my super tight pants, but I sort of love it to. It makes me feel all zippy running around town in boots with purpose and tight pants.

Might be all black but far from Morticia.

Hey Sexy Ladies

2011-10-24T11:43:00.000-04:00

I was on pinterest last night because well I miss it if I stay away for too long. I mean if you do not visually assault yourself with things at least a few times a day you're not living. Anyway I saw the below image someone had pinned and commented on it being nice to see a model with thighs and I thought yes, that woman is beautiful, she does have thighs and I LIKE IT. Lately in general I just feel more comfortable in my body. I embrace the curves. I respect my shape and do not shun it. The goal for me is to not work to eradicate it. I have typically been so hung up on being thin I wanted to erase any curve. I wanted smaller breasts, no hips, slim thighs. I am not even delving into the complicated relationship I have with butts. I wanted everything I do not have. Not only do I not have these things I probably never will. I mean I feel like I am small breasted these days and I swing between a C/D cup. Yeah, not so small....but when you used to be a double D and up well it's all relative. I will never have the perfect go braless boobs I have dreamt of and that's okay. It's why we do have bras.

Lately I put a little more wiggle in my walk I mean that's why I have these hips right? I say thank you when I get a compliment and do not immediately deflect it. I appreciate that I have a small waist rather then cursing the fact that it emphasizes my hips. I love that I can see evidence of my riblets on my sides not because it's bone but because that definition is the result of hard work. I walk with my shoulders back and high heels on not caring that I am 5'8" and feel super tall in heels. I am tall. I will only ever be so small. I have to own it. These things collectively show me that the changes I would like to see are possible inside and out.

I am a huge fan of strength training and can not stress enough how important I think it is and I've learned my importance will shift. For me right now it makes me feel strong, lean, and it makes me appreciate that what should jiggle does and what maybe should be a little firmer does not. It makes me see I will never have super skinny legs but I can have ones that are strong, defined and let me do the things that I want. That let me wear a dress shorter then I would usually be okay with, and let myself like the reflection I see in the mirror. Taking care of my body instead of always criticizing it for what it's not lets me appreciate what it is. Do I accept my body? Not entirely, but at least for the time being I respect it, and value it and want to do right by it.

All this being said I have recently discovered mascarpone cheese is delicious. Especially delicious late at night with some honey and pumpkin seeds. That will put a very different wiggle in your walk. The wiggle of heavy cream. No es bueno.

I HIGHLY suggest checking this blog out and seeing the photos. It's pretty amazing, not just because the women are curvy but because they are confident and that shows and it's always lovely to see woman after woman who is beautiful because she is confident not because she is a certain size.

http://curveappeal.tumblr.com/

Erin Tinley thank you for making 42 inch hips look amazing.

Who Knew?

2011-10-23T15:39:00.000-04:00

It turns out I can make a mighty fine pumpkin risotto with seared scallops. This is sort of a dangerous discovery because now I just want to make risotto all the time. I meant to take a photo but honestly I was too hungry by the time it was ready. The writing partner gave it an A so I'll take that as a good sign. Fellas however generally like anything cooked for them so he might be biased. It's been really lovely though to cook dinner and then get our meeting on. I think it helps both of us decompress before we have to gear up to be creative and on our thinking game. I also think cooking and eating with someone puts you at ease. He chats with me and plays DJ while I put finishing touches on dinner. I am liking this new ritual. It makes me want people to come over every night and tell me stories while I cook. I in general just like it when people tell me stories so feel free. I always have time for them.

This week has been a little heavy eating and booze fueled. Not really how I typically like things to go. I worked out and tried to off set some of it where I could. You just have to roll with the week that presents itself. I try not to beat myself up and generally I am feeling pretty positive about myself and body regardless of my choices. That being said Friday night skipping dinner and replacing it with vodka was unspeakably dumb. It was not my intention. The night just got away from me. It happens. Saturday I picked myself up, drank some coconut water for survival and moved along. Egon was not too hard on me during Sat's workout thankfully but it was a good reminder of what excess brings. Friday night was a good time so that at least makes the suffering a little more worth it.

Next week I need to focus on healthier habits. Less cooking with heavy cream and more eating clean. Now if my writing partner wouldn't bring over pints of ice cream life would be perfect. Who am I kidding life without ice cream is not perfect or worth living.

Things That Will Make You Feel Alone

2011-10-20T14:51:00.000-04:00

Lately these random things keep happening that emphasize how on my own I am and feel. I like it but there are moments I feel like I have traded my life for some sort of sitcom-esque escapade of a life being changed. I have never been a huge homemaker. I never had the time or desire. I had some capacity for it. I can cook, I can clean, I can decorate, I just choose not to. It bores me. I should say it bored me. Now I am a woman on a mission. I am so into it. I have been pouring over recipes cooking all those things I never had time to, picking up those bits and bobs I had always wanted as finishing touches, and cleaning. A lot. Not being exhausted and stressed makes this a lot easier. I need to find a patron so I can just swan about in my domesticated bliss. Wait, that's a terrible idea that would lead to boredom, baking, and a lot of weight gain. I miss work. I miss the pressure, and the way it used my brain and sometimes I feel a little lost without that, but in the meantime I am loving getting to explore this whole other world I have hugely ignored up until now.

Ways to Emphasize Being Alone:

1. I have a laptop but close to zero software. Oh yeah that's my problem now. I do not have a company that loads it all up for me and a tech guy to help me figure out how to rebuild my itunes library. I do however have a Saturday night I can spend loading, cursing, and rebuilding.

2. I removed a dead mouse from my apartment. By myself. In a homemade hazmat suit of giant garbage bags, huge rubber gloves, tongs I have no idea how I came to own, and a makeshift helmet. I was all cavalier when the exterminator came and asked if I had boyfriend before putting a snap trap down. I just sort of did not put two and two together. A snap trap while it would take care of my new roomie would also require me to deal with it. I was all no worries, I have a brother, he'll do it. The good news the trap worked, the bad news...I discovered it one evening. Alone. My brother lives in Brooklyn. I spent the next few minutes squealing and wondering how quickly I could move. Texted my brother, contemplated texting every guy I have ever known ever in my phone, and then realized I really could not take another second with it there and lady-ed up. It was awful but I felt pretty triumphant afterwards.

3. I fixed my toilet all by myself. Again the feeling of triumphant did not really match the action, but whatever I will take it. I will take it all day long, and put a gold star next to my life chart.

4. I am figuring out health insurance. Ugh, what a pain. I have no idea what 90% of it means, I just keep asking in a cavewoman like fashion I just want to make sure if anything ever happens I am covered. That apparently is not helpful to the people trying to create your insurance plan.

5. Losing something makes you appreciate what you do have. I appreciate these small things so much and find myself so much less irritated by life and what comes with it. I might be alone, but I'm not lonely and I'm not incapable. I mean I can fix a toilet. Check me out.

Yes, Please

2011-10-20T14:27:00.000-04:00

I want my life to feel like this photograph. Effortlessly gorgeous and interesting. I always like to play a little guitar on the set of my films. Don't you?

Instead I am waffling about debating whether or not I can pull off pumpkin risotto and seared scallops. Maybe I'll pop on a tiara for increased magical powers. I got this. I mean I learned all about the difference in wet and dry scallops which for a sea dwelling protein seems like a bizarre caution. I will not be afraid of the if you do not constantly stir life as you know it is over. I will be undaunted by more then 4 minutes of searing equals rubbery not delicious scallops. Oh the fear. The recipe is from here and I'll let you know how it turns out.

The magical Audrey Hepburn with George Peppard on set.

Oh Happy Day

2011-10-17T12:35:00.000-04:00

Last year I discovered persimmons. Growing up we had a persimmon tree in our yard, but I never cared for the fruit. Last year I decided to get reacquainted and sadly did this at the end of the season. While shopping for my pasta fixin's yesterday I spotted my beloved persimmons! It's a little early for them, but I am so excited to see them back. I have no idea how to describe them. They are very sweet, and have a distinctive flavor, and texture. I am familiar with the fuyu persimmons, that's what I have seen in stores, but there is another variety hachiya which I have not seen. The good news is they are one of those fruits that can replace dessert, they are so sweet, the bad news they have 118 calories on average for a relatively small fruit so you do have to factor that into the snacking equation. They are also high in fiber, vitamin A and antioxidants. I find despite their petite stature they are super satisfying, tasty, and look good in my fruit bowl with their pretty orange color.

why hello pretty mid-morning snack

Food Glorious Food

2011-10-16T23:53:00.000-04:00

I have been eating out a lot. I am not complaining, except shockingly to me I am. I was feeling gross Saturday. Brunch had been a burger, with cheese and fries. While definitely tasty and I have been on a total burger bender and the thrill was gone. I lie. I might eat a burger tomorrow but not with fries. I blame years and year of veggie burgers on this late in life discovery and love affair with burgers. Anyway, lately I have been meeting people, getting drinks with people, and just generally eating a lot more meals not at home. I wanted to cook. Make whole foods, clean, control what went in it, and know what I was eating. Sunday my friend Meggie came over and I was thrilled to catch up with her and have her cooking confidence with me. She is an amazing cook and lucky for me she was game to grocery shop and cook with me.

I love Joy the Baker, and have been reading her blog forever but had yet to make anything. This one recipe for lemon pasta kept nudging me. The change in temps have me leaning heavier, richer and starch. The more the better. So I quit ignoring it, and decided I was making this dish but with some modifications. It needed protein, and I could make the olive oil and portion what worked for me. We changed the recipe adding in chicken sausage we crumbled in. You have to just wing it, and when that's lemon, parsley and parmesan, you can measure and put in whatever works for your tastes and calorie counts. I put down what I used, and it was delicious.

The recipe : http://www.joythebaker.com/blog/2011/08/easy-sunday-lemon-pasta/

I used:

1 cup vegetable broth, I added this in because I made it earlier and then reheated later.
Juice of 3 lemons, this is to your lemon taste. I am currently in a lemon juice love affair.
large handful chopped parsley. I am seeing parsley on the side so I added a lot.
1 teaspoon olive oil, because I purposefully did not want it to be oily. I like my fat more hidden.
I was liberal with the cheese. I used low fat so I was cheese slutty.
1 cup peas
1/2 box penne makes 4 large servings.
2 chicken sausages. I went with garlicky ones. It was a nice touch with the lemon.

My Hero

2011-10-15T18:48:00.000-04:00

There's this guy at my gym who I am obsessed with. I am not being my hyperbolic self I am truly obsessed with him. He runs like his life depends on it and for very long periods of time. I mean he is flying on the treadmill. I have watched him for months thoroughly inspired by how he runs. I seriously think his mom is a gazelle or something. I have wanted to say something to him for months. I mean I am his biggest exercise fan but I just felt too shy. I also never really had the chance because I did not want to interrupt his work out and following him into the locker room seemed too forward.

I was sitting at the cafe catching up with my darling friend Nisa when he came up to get a smoothie. Now was my chance....I gushed to him about his running and how he inspires me. He was super cool! He told me a little about his own running experience. He had been a swimmer but moved to the city and was not down with the pool situation so he started running. He kept emphasizing to me he had not always run like that it had taken him time and for me to stick with it. He gave me a few tips, and just kept insisting I stick with it and it would get easier, I would be faster, run farther, and find my own running way. It just reminded me everyone has their own exercise story and it's worth asking the people who you admire. Hearing that he had not just hopped on to the treadmill one day and started sprinting made my next set of intervals a whole lot more bearable and my hopes of being part gazelle felt a lot more attainable.

Progress in the Unknown

2011-10-12T15:58:00.000-04:00

So lets see what's going on. A whole lot actually. I am still losing weight which I am both super excited about and not really surprised. I definitely have life stress that I am working daily to manage but not being super unhappy is making it easier to stay clear in my mind and make healthy choices and decisions. It's daunting to have the task of restructuring my life in front of me but it's pretty cool and definitely educational on a daily basis. My career has always been such a hugely defining aspect of my life I kind of feeling I am really getting to know who I am with that removed.

Work wise, I am a meeting machine. I have enjoyed having the downtime but I am starting to go a little mad. I am trying not to make rash decisions based on fears, but it's tough not to feel this pressure. Friends, family and professional peeps keep urging me to relax take my time and just see what happens, but that does not pay my bills. I get overwhelmed by just how alone I feel. I am responsible for every aspect of my upkeep from getting my laptop up to snuff with software to figuring out health insurance. None of it is a huge deal but some days it feels like it is. I just try to keep the anxiety in check and address what I can as I can. I am learning a whole lot about one day at a time.

I have a few things cooking and they are all vastly different which is exciting and confusing. I am not sure what direction I will end up going in at this point. I think some of it will have to do with offers being made, and what I just feel like is the right direction to charge right into. Being openminded and not having a definitive answer I think makes more things drift in my direction. I am open to anything because I have no conclusive idea of direction. A few things I have sussed out are, I want to be more creative, I want to have an increased role in creative concept, I would like writing to be a component, and ideally social media plays a part of this yet to be named job. It's weird job searching 9 years after entering the job market because it's less interviews and applying and more meeting and casual talking. A part of me is frustrated by this and wants more clarity another part likes the looseness. It leaves me more open to listening and considering and not so concerned with what the direct result of this chat is. I focus on being excited by all these unknowns and not paralyzed by them. Most of the time this works, other times not so much.

Lots and lots of writing going on. I am writing almost every day and things are moving along swimmingly with the writing partner. I am growing used to his greatness, and less phased by it. It's really great to work with someone who is super great as a person, and pushes me to do better work. I think some of what was creeping in, is my last big business partnership truly royally blew up in my face and I was holding him at arm's length. I have to really sort through how I feel about that relationship dissolving and the way that it did. We have not spoken since I left, and he sent me a text to say sorry about it. Almost 9 years together, starting a company together, and a text? Lame. Anyway feelings of betrayal are there now that some of the relief associated with a break up I wanted has lessened. As for the newbie, I think I had some stuff swirling he was being affected by. I am afraid of getting too attached to working with someone again, I am afraid of admitting how important what we are working on is to me, and I am uneasy about working on something that is outside my comfort zone. I did not really delve into the partnership stuff with him but the other stuff I did. It was a good lesson in speaking up talking to him because in order to work with me he has to learn about how I work and vice versa. I learned a lot in that phone call about both of us. I had to articulate some stuff I had been avoiding and I had to take the chance of sharing it with him. Ew, vulnerability. Not a big fan but what I keep learning is newbie does not scare easily and I have yet to throw anything his way he has been phased by. The more we learn about how the other operates the better we work together. We met Monday night and had one of our most successful meetings, accomplishing so much, clarifying a ton, and I felt like we had a different level of comfortability working and sharing ideas with one another. If nothing else is progressing that is and that's pretty great for now.

Ladies I love the Kimbra Edition

2011-10-09T00:02:00.000-04:00

I am completely in love and obsessed with Kimbra's album Vows. I love the song "Settle Down", and wish I had thought of the name Nebraska Jones. I am not sure who to compare her to, but she has an amazing voice, and unusual sound.

Life Make Up

2011-10-08T20:18:00.001-04:00

I like make up. I think it's fun. I rarely do not wear it and it's less to do with my appearance and more to do with it being grown up drawing time. Often on the weekends I do not wear make up during the day. I find this to be strangely controversial with some of the ladies in my life. My thing is Saturdays I work out with Egon, so what am I wearing make up for? To sweat and have it look like melty clown face? I have to shower post work out anyway and who wants to get made up twice. I don't.

Being single and running around town often with a naked face I feel like I am violating some single lady rule of not putting my best face forward because of that you just never know that you are supposed to live with it motivating you. I think this is crap. Any guy I end up with is going to have to accept despite my usually made up ways I also like to give my skin a chance to breathe and not have a bunch of pigment layered on it.

The person though who takes the most issue with this however is my mom. My mom is very southern when it comes to appearance. Women should be made up and at the very least have some blush and lipstick on. I shunned both for years out of some sort of rebellion. I have childhood and teenage memories of her attacking my face with some blush insisting I just needed a little color I am so washed out. Anyway we were speaking recently and she said that I had never looked better. That losing my job took five years off me, that my color has returned, and I look so much better. She said sometimes I would comfort myself that you just looked so washed out and stressed because you did not have any make up on. We went shopping once and I was not wearing make up and she kept bringing it up. I finally said alright, alright I get it I committed some sort of mortal sin and did not wear make up today. She confessed she was jealous because people would scream if she went out without make up and that she believes everyone needs make up and would even put it on the dogs. I continually learn people care far less about us then we could ever imagine or grasp and wish sometimes my mom would subscribe a little more to that when it comes to appearances.

I was brushing my teeth this morning looking at my naked face and thinking regardless of whether or not I should be down with this nudity I am. I am okay with who I am without the eyeliner, or blush and the more okay I am with myself the less I feel the need to cover it up. I use less make up these days, I care less about having a 1000 pieces of jewelry on, and in general feel less reason to distract any viewers. Yeah, it's not perfect the complexion could be evened out, the under eye circles covered up, the neck bejeweled but sometimes it feels good to be a little more naked and a little less done up.

Pre-gym naked face this morn.

A Good Problem to Have

2011-10-04T17:53:00.000-04:00

One of the best things about being unemployed is the vast amounts of free time I have at my disposal. I have been super proactive about taking advantage of this. In fact I have been somewhat annoyed by my lack of free time. I had some pretty big plans for binging on reality TV and doing nothing and I have yet to get to it. I think not having a job makes me feel even more pressure to stay busy. Truthfully I am a little worn out because unemployed does not equal not busy. Who knew? A recent development is I have been writing. A lot. And with a partner.

More about this partner. I met him at my gym funnily enough. He is a good looking guy who I completely misjudged. I thought he was like some of the other guys at my gym a moderately successful male model and probably a bit douchey. All of this judgement is based on the fact that when he's working out he has mean face, not at all on his behavior making me an a-hole. Anyway we became acquainted started chatting and I realized two things. 1. he is quite possibly one of the nicest and most genuine people I have ever met and 2. He is ridiculously funny and often not meaning to be which I think is the best kind of funny. He also is not a male model and seemed somewhat horrified I thought that was a possibility. My bad, but maybe turn down the ridiculous good looks?

When I got back from LA I was catching up with him about the trip telling him about the meetings I had and what not and how someone had suggested development to me. He asked me if I had any ideas and I said not really. He happened to have a good one, and because he is the nicest guy in the world offered it to me. I can not emphasize his niceness enough, and yet somehow he is incredibly manly. I said why not write it together? The beginnings of our writing partnership were conducted via text and it was one of those out of body texting moments. What have I done?! Why am I actively seeking to work with the super hot guy who makes me a little bit nervous because he's so nice and gives great chat? I have been around attractive men and usually keep my cool, usually, but nice and hot? That's tough. We started working together and it's delightful. I struggled in some of our first interactions to not feel super self conscious of my ideas or to girl out, taking back what I've said and being like oh I didn't mean that, no way, super dumb. I take it all back. He has also been super reassuring and supportive. When we did our first big writing reveal working on our character bios I admitted upon getting his reply that I was relieved and had been a little nervous. His immediate response was why would you be nervous, we're a team, and remember there's no bad ideas we're brainstorming. I felt really different in that moment, in that I can continue being nervous about how people will receive what I put out there or I can learn something from his ease and just worry a little less and work a little more. It's pretty great and provided I do not self sabotage in some way I think we can do great work together.

So what's the problem? The problem is I feel like he is on a mission every time I see him to top his previous level of awesome. He's incredibly kind and sweet and if he does not cease and desist with it I will have no choice but to develop a raging crush on him that I will assume zero accountability for. He truly will have brought it on to himself. I mean the phone call with his nieces promising to take them to play with puppies? Come on. He is way too amazing a fella to be behaving like that willy nilly. It's either incredibly irresponsible or he is an evil puppy promising genius.

Tah Dah!

2011-10-03T18:34:00.000-04:00

Space has been rehabbed and here are the photos to prove it. Also to prove it is my entire body hurts. Life cardio!

close up of an art directed side table

kitchen and hallway, I should probably get a table.

bedroom, the clothes were air drying that's why they are not in my closet.

Book case! Still needs a little work.

Living room, guest appearance by Dumplin' under the chair.

Katie the great in progress. She is THE BEST.
I could not have done it without her or the 100 hours of work she gave me.
I owe her more the the falafel sandwich I got her.

A Few Numbers

2011-09-30T11:55:00.000-04:00

The great clean out continues and this is where I'm at:

Days spent cleaning 3

Pounds of paper shredded 57 (true story, took it somewhere to be shredded)

Hours spent yesterday with Katie cleaning 14.

Giants bags of garbage/clutter/nonsense taken out 6

Giants bags of goodies to salvation army 6 bags and 2 car runs.

Last night I barely slept. After Katie left I wandered my apartment just so happy at what it looked like. I honestly felt like I had lost 100 pounds and I sort of did. Well at least 57 I can account for. I dialed in details last night and finally made myself get into bed, but I tossed and turned just thinking of how much more I wanted to do and all the potential I saw. Just being able to clear out so much of the clutter has allowed me to see that potential because that huge obstacle is out of the way. I still have some stuff to get done today but pics soon because I am happy to show my home off now!

Every Handbag Needs a Home

2011-09-27T16:55:00.000-04:00

It feels good to be cleaning everything out but one thing I struggle to giveaway to the Salvation Army is handbags. No idea why. I just love them so much I prefer to place them in a home. The three below have not been used in 800 years and therefore must leave me. If you would like one of them let me know before Thursday and it's yours. That's it, you can comment, or email me, first come first serve and only if you have no history of prior handbag abuse. Kidding.

disco never died hobo

Jamin Puech hobo

cute print interior

Michael Kors neutral hobo

Worth reading

2011-09-27T14:24:00.000-04:00

I have come across these the past few days and thought they were worth sharing.

I love, love, love Kate at Eat The Damn Cake. She's smart, funny, honest and I have yet to read a post that I did not like or take something away from. I really loved this one.

http://www.eatthedamncake.com/2011/09/26/can-you-just-tell-me-that-youre-gorgeous-please/

Just found this blog and it's a visual delight, and has lots-o-good stuff.

http://www.honeykennedy.com/

My friend Theresa and her friend Tressa just started doing make up and blogging and they are hilarious and amazingly talented. Read about their exploits.

http://tressatheresa.wordpress.com/

Interesting article on blogging:

http://hila-lumiere.blogspot.com/2011/09/on-blogging.html

Hannah Banana, you continue to inspire and amuse me. This post had me shaking my head in agreement.

http://hannahsreductions.blogspot.com/2011/09/vanity-came-first-health-came-later.html

Thought this article about a music artist who gave herself a makeover and became more of singing sensation and the music bloggers disdain for it interesting.

http://gawker.com/5842924/hipster-music-blogs-need-to-get-over-their-authenticity-problem

Things I Want to Ask My Past Self

2011-09-27T13:43:00.000-04:00

I understand a lot of why I have done what I've done. I do however have a few questions for past Anna....

1. What was the thought behind the bright aqua cords? You have never worn brightly colored pants, much less ones WITH TEXTURE.

2. How many pairs of sunglasses does one face truly need? Not the 800 I have accumulated, or the box I somehow came by.

P.S. I am super seksi in clean mode

wasn't kidding about the box

Very Few Things

2011-09-26T16:26:00.001-04:00

Are as annoying as organizing your apartment. The worst part, I need to organize the whole damn thing. Total honesty, I am about 1 bag of junk away from a hoarders episode. I have spent hours today going through the stuff. I am left with a bigger mess then I started with and my allergies going ballistic. The dust is out of control. I am super allergic to dust, as in I will full on bust out in hives and it's been recommended to me that I wear a mask when cleaning. I of course do not have one on hand. I am rocking a Pucci scarf someone gave me as a gift as a cleaning mask. That's how I roll.

My brother happens to be taking Thursday off of work and he is going to come over and help me. This is great but also a little scary because I have a lot to get done to be ready for his pick up services on Thursday. I am also pretty much guaranteed he is going to drive me crazy, but I need help and he's offering. He happens to be a neat freak and great in the home department. It seems unfair I did not get any of that, like not a drop. Not helping this entire situation is I picked up my stuff from work this weekend. I have four more boxes of crap to add to the pile. Great. My old business cards should come in super helpful it was so thoughtful of them to make sure they were included, she said dripping with sarcasm.

I am grateful I have the time to do this. That hopefully I can clean up my act for once and all and create some systems for organization so it never gets to this point again. I am over the chaos. It's not helpful trying to move forward, work from home, or even just feel like an adult. When anyone mentions coming by your apartment and you break into a cold sweat it's time to change.

The beginnings of my color coded bookcase.

Sorry true crime books. Time for you to find a new home.

Over it. All of it.

Jewelmint Continued Love

2011-09-24T18:58:00.000-04:00

I can not stop wearing my latest jewelmint lovely. The savoy bracelet. My bracelet obsession is not showing any sign of waning...

It's actually a little more silver in person then gold which I prefer.

On a Health Tip

2011-09-23T13:10:00.000-04:00

After very much being in a weight loss slump it would appear unemployment is excellent for weight loss. I have lost 6 pounds in 2 weeks. I try to stay away from numbers and generally I would not think 3 pounds a week loss was very healthy. It's a little much in a short period of time. That being said I have not been doing anything unhealthy. No restricting, over exercising, or other unhealthy behaviors. I have just been balanced. There has been wine, a smidge of vodka, tapas, an amazing cheeseburger, but there has also been tasty stir frys, low fat grilled cheese sandwiches, apples, long walks, a boxing class, and cardio business as usual, to round it all out.

I am appreciating having the time to just be clear headed and focused it makes it easier to check in when the temptation to eat a few feelings creeps in. I was on my way to the gym the other day and I turned to go to this bakery. I did what I hate when people do, stopping dead in the middle of the side walk and said," What are you doing?" I had a quick convo with myself bringing up that I was heading to LA and not sure what I would be eating, but knowing there would be wine, I did not want to be super stressed about food, and not 100% clear on what my exercise situation would be. Did I really want to get a super caloric treat now when I could control what I could eat that could make me feel bad ahead when I couldn't? No I didn't. I wanted comfort. I wanted a reward for going to the gym when I did not want to. I wanted a lot of things that something from a bakery was not going to fix and never can. It would be nice to take an isolated event and think ah ha I've got it, but you never completely do. It's the hope that you can seize the moments when they come and move forward feeling so good about the choice you made you continue to make those choices.

LA Round Up

2011-09-22T15:15:00.002-04:00

Lauren & I.

I am back from the West Coast and getting back into the swing of things. I spent most of yesterday feeling like a zombie. I got back super late and had to be up super early. Not the most optimal combo. I had such a great time in LA. It left me with more questions then answers but that is okay for now. Something I really took away was while LA may not be right for me as a move there was a lot I can take away from the experience. Life is easier there. There is a huge emphasis on quality of life. Everyone works hard but the point is to work hard to get back to your life. I feel like in NYC long hours are more of a badge of honor. You are more different being protective of your free time and striving to have pursuits outside your career. The work home life balance is not as easy to achieve here, because the support is not as present.

The meetings went well and the business style is very different. It's not as direct as here and I felt like I had a lot to learn if I do want to conduct business out there. I saw a client who is a friend as well and he gave me some great advice. He also said and it rang very true to me, " it sounds like what you want is independence." I do. I very much do want my independence. After years working for people I think I have that much figured out. It's not a lot but it is a start. Between connecting with people I got to spend a lot of time with friends. I got to watch Lauren have a total meltdown at the awesomeness of an estate sale, wander the Fairfax markets, have a tasty reuben sandwich at the grove, go to a BBQ and meet some of her friends, be in a house which is a novelty to an apartment dweller like myself, fall in love with chai tea boba, score some brilliant vintage finds, clear my head and know if I want to, I can live wherever I want and be okay.

I got my resume together, I started brushing up my linkedin profile, contacting people and treading water in this new life. I also felt like my head is clear for the first time in a long time. I am capable of seeing opportunity where it lies, being more inspired by my surroundings and appreciating simpler things and pleasures. Just being able to be in a different city with friends who cooked for me was such a great comfort and boost. I have very little figured out yet. I know I want to be creative and trust in my skills and talent. To have the confidence to represent what I know I have to offer and the guts to pursue it.

Some photos below:

all aboard the party plane, seriously Virgin what's up with the lighting?

I love the views flying out west. I am convinced everything is the Grand Canyon.

In case you were unsure that is banana bread. Icing infographics.

Lauren on our am rye bread bakery run.

adorable house we wandered during the estate sale

cutest breakfast room I have ever seen

Lauren purchased this record player the second we walked in. Then she and our new friend Cheryl tried to make it work.

Lauren's estate sale spoils.

Now I know where to get a surfboard should the need arise.

View of the hills from Melrose on our way to Urth cafe.

Vintage find.

Dresser I would have bought had it fit in my luggage.

buckets of photos of hooters girls. So random.

Fairfax market, tables and tables full of old photos. This reinforced again to me why you do not take nude photos. Trust.

Working lunch and heaven. Chai Tea Boba, and turkey sandwich.

Jo and I loading up the car.

Me in a sea of delightful Aussie girls.

Coast to Coast Friends

2011-09-15T22:09:00.000-04:00

I can not wait to spend time with LJ, even if she is heavily campaigning for me to move to LA. We've had a countdown calendar going because we're 5 yr olds. It's been 100 years since I have seen her and she is super dear to me. She pushes me like few people I know and I let her and every time I let her push me out of my comfort zone I am not disappointed and have to admit she was right. Love hate that. She also makes me laugh to the point of wheezing every two seconds so there's that to look forward to as well. I can't wait to just hang, meet her boyfriend, friends and maybe if we're lucky have some adventures. We tend to always end up in some sort of trouble. Good trouble.

I am also taking several meetings while I am in LA. Two of these meetings have a lot of promise and I have a loose offer on the table. The offer is outside my comfort zone but not my skill set and could keep me out there through December. This has my family panicked I am moving out to LA. I am open to doing it but now that I am leaving tomorrow it's a little more real and therefore a little more scary. There's also the issue of not having a drivers license. I am bitter about that. I really thought I could make it through life without dealing with this. Really did. I guess making it to 31 is not a bad run.

Where I am at

2011-09-14T16:33:00.000-04:00

I continue to be thoroughly overwhelmed by kindness. I keep getting comments, emails, texts, even on twitter messages from people. It's a great problem to have. I honestly think it's been something which has tremendously softened the blow. When I should feel down I feel incredibly up. People have gone out of their way to contact me, contact people on my behalf, and have just been amazing. It has really humbled and overwhelmed me.

It's officially a week now that I have been unemployed. I have yet to really set any sort of routine. My days have consisted mostly of being on the phone and enjoying my downtime. I nearly killed my dog taking her for a mega walk the other day. She may grow to not like that I am around so much and marching her around the city. I just walked around no iPod on and took in the fantastic city I live in. I do not even know that last time I got to just walk with no destination in mind. I have led a really busy fast paced life for 13 years here. I have always been go go go and on to the next thing with no time to waste and goals to reach. My goals are very different right now. I am taking each day as it comes because this is totally new territory for me. I have never not had a job, a concrete goal in mind, or a destination I was heading.

Today was the first day I woke up a little down. I just wanted to stay in bed and not deal with anything. I wanted to just pull the covers over my head. I felt very overwhelmed. I think some of this had to do with being a little worse for wear. I went to a really amazing party last night. The blog Advanced Style hosted a party and my 91 year old girl crush was performing. Ilona was amazing and I got to meet her! Leading up to meeting her I said to my friend Jen, I want to meet her and she said go up there go for it. I got really shy and nervous about it. Then I quickly dashed up on to the stage to shake her hand, tell her I loved her, and then quick as a cat was back with Jen. Jen said you were too fast I couldn't get a picture. I felt like that moment in some ways sort of sums up where I'm at. I feel a little shy and nervous but have to keep making dashes up to the stage. Maybe not to meet 91 year old women, but if I want to continue figuring out who I am, what I want to do, and how to make myself happy on my own terms there are going to be a lot of uneasy moments. Change is not comfortable. I think this morning that much of what lies ahead for me had sunk in.

Feeling a little bolder post Ilona meeting I asked this fabulous lady for a picture. Check out her bangles, my hero.

91 year old Ilona Royce Smithkin cabaret.

Ilona ready to meet her adoring public.

Freedom

2011-09-12T11:17:00.000-04:00

Last Wednesday I was given a gift. A very complicated one I have a lot of feelings about but a gift nonetheless. What was this gift? I lost my job. The company I worked for restructured and restructured me out. The decision was explained by financial streamlining. I am sure this is a factor but the real reason in my opinion is different. I no longer belonged there. I no longer fit. I no longer was growing, prospering or doing my best work. I was checked out, unsettled, and frustrated. I could list all the negatives, and dwell on it but it won't help me or really change anything.

I am freaked out by what lies ahead. I have never been unemployed. I have worked with a chunk of the people I just left for almost 9 years and the majority of my career. I have no idea what is before me. I do not completely think I grasp what has happened. I am still in shock. All of that being said I am so excited. I am so excited to be free. To be free of old dynamics, old habits, and old roles. I have no idea what lies ahead of me. What I do know is my eating has been healthier and more balanced then it has been for months. I have been totally overwhelmed by the kindness and support people have shown me. I am going to LA this weekend. In the meantime I am going to pick myself up, enjoy some downtime, and tackle the scariest thing on my plate what do I want to be when I grow up.

These past few months I have felt jealous of the people around me. Their lives moving forward, having changes, and evolving. It hit me recently what I was jealous of. Most of these people were actively making choices, acting on them and carrying them out. I was drifting. I kept saying oh I can't do that, or I wish. Careful what you wish for. My life is moving forward and I have the chance to decide where.

Past & Present Colliding

2011-09-07T15:57:00.000-04:00

I had a lovely long weekend and hope everyone else did to. I kicked it off by visiting friends in North Carolina. I got to meet their new baby Natalie who I am now madly in love with. She is adorable, and she taught me some good stuff this weekend. 1. Babies are not so scary, 2. If you are ready for babies they are a pretty amazing thing, and 3. Wanting to have kids and wanting to be a parent are different.

I expected my friends to look shell shocked and like they had been fighting some sort of war. They really did not. Natalie is a mighty 8 weeks old and they kept saying well we've had 7.5 weeks to adjust. Uhm...that's nice but I was thinking more of a 7 year adjustment might be realistic. I have known Natalie's Mom since we were 12 years old. She was my first friend when I moved to England. We've watched each other grow up, I was her maid of honor at her wedding, and now I get to see her as a mom. It's pretty cool. She is a great mom already and it was touching to see this transformation in her. Her husband who I also adore is hilarious and tries best he can to be supportive and helpful but he's also working on getting his MBA. This is not an easy household to bring an infant into the mix. Listening to them and learning about how their lives have changed and just catching up overall paralleled the work I am doing in therapy.

I could not get enough of hearing what they are hoping for with Natalie, or want to teach her, and what was amazing is they did not make these grandiose statements they would have to eat down the road. They had plans, partnership and ways in which they wanted to do these things together and as a team. Something I kept thinking, seeing, and having shown to me is how much of a team they are together as a couple and as parents. They are committed to the same ideas, goals, and hopes, and have an incredible open channel of communication. I am 99.9% sure they know it all about one another, and exactly where the other stands on any given topic. They have looked at their own childhoods and parents and thought about what they want to do differently. They know their strengths and weaknesses as people and where they want to play on those together as a team. It's pretty amazing. This is what happens when two ridiculously smart people have a kid. Their ish is together. I love though that Jaime, Dana's husband went to Iraq and was shot, yes shot, and yet this tiny little 8 pound nugget can reduce him to panic. He genuinely wants to be a good Dad, and very much wanted a daughter, which is super endearing. We spoke briefly about the roles of Dad's with their daughters and I loved how he knew the importance of that, and valued it. Granted it's 2011 and we know more now about how kids develop and the do's and don'ts and I imagine that down the road it will all change again but it's pretty awesome to see people you have known a long time and love dearly be off to such a great start. They are going to be great parents, because they already are.

What I really came away with when I mulled things over during Monday therapy is my parents really wanted kids, but had no clue how to be parents. They both had crap role models. My Dad's mom walked out on him when he was 8 years old and his father was pretty evil. My mom's mom was incredibly damaging, instilling a lot of terrible lasting self esteem issues. I think she kept my mom from really valuing herself until now. My Mom was tremendously close to her father, but that was not without some serious dysfunction.

A huge part of my childhood and my early adulthood was completely overshadowed by their pasts and their reconciling it. My Dad never really did. He never dealt with anything at all. My mom learned skills but again never really dealt with it either. They were always in survival mode. There was also this everlasting and to this day competition, well at least I never did this my mom would say blah to me, or at least you never had to deal with x. It can be infuriating, and it definitely makes me want to start listing the BS of transgressions past but who does that benefit? Plainly put, I love my Mom, and loved my Dad, but they were just not the best parents. They understood parenting on a very basic level. They played to generalizations and stereotypes but did not understand really how to nurture, guide, teach and well, be parents.

So what does all this mean to me now? Most of what I am dealing with right now is the childhood I have never really wanted to deal with. It wasn't horrible but it wasn't great. There was a lot which happened that put into place habits and coping mechanisms I use to this day which are no longer really working for me or healthy and conducive to forming healthy relationships with others, and fostering a healthier relationship with myself. Food is/was one, and so is disassociating. I put things into boxes and then shut the lids and put them on a shelf, never to be really felt, dealt with or looked over again. If they are in the box then I am safe and can remain in my bubble and keep up the veneer of having things under control.

In losing a huge amount of weight walls had to come down. I sort of thought the lion's share of the work was done, but really the work which was most simplistic and safe was done. I had to first allow myself to grasp and feel any emotion by removing the binging. I think the hardest work which I will benefit the most from long term and allow me to lead a mentally and physically healthy life is in front of me now. Part of what holds me back losing weight is there are a lot more walls which need to come down and as Marisa says, "my body is the keeper of my secrets." I still rely on my weight to keep me safe, shape my identity, and suppress how I feel. Things will come up in session, or pop into my mind at random and it's weird because it's still so abstract. Marisa and Christina urge me to keep going, hold on to that keep going, or how did that make you feel, or your voice changed why, and it's really challenging to be so exposed and be called out, and urged to keep going when you want to call end scene. These are memories, feelings, and sometimes just impressions I am to keep pushing and running with. I can not always grasp on to things because it's like a game of hot potato where I in no way want to catch the potato. In some ways what I have come to accept is you can only run for so long. I have run long and far but can run no more. For the changes I want in my life and weight I have to stop running, continuing thinking, feeling and connecting. It's completely terrifying but I am scared less of examining the past then I am of continuing to tarnish my future with it.

Nugget Time!

2011-09-01T16:06:00.000-04:00

Despite being a little under the weather, super emotional this week, and exhausted I am still so excited for this weekend. It's a long weekend which by default is awesome and I am off to see one of my nearest and dearest friends. I am not only going to get some much needed catch up time with her but also get to meet her baby! Her husband is also a great guy I look forward to seeing and catching up with. However the star of this vacation is the bebe. I can not wait for some nugget snuggle time. I also have gifts galore so we should be able to play dress up for hours with her. I love shopping for baby girls. Seriously should I have a kid one day and it be a girl I will end up living in a cardboard box with a walk in cardboard closet because I would spend everything on the adorableness that is out there.

I am a little anxiety ridden because I have worked out once this week. I have just been exhausted and fighting a cold. I have figured listening to my body saying please let me rest has been more important then cardio. I am heading to North Carolina so I am a little concerned about food I mean it's the South and continued lack of exercise. I am just going to try to stay aware, not punish myself but not take a food vacation. North Carolina is not home but I am pretty excited to be headed down south. An old friend and my old homeland, that right there is some life comfort instead of food comfort I am in much need of.

Forgotten Treat

2011-08-31T15:14:00.000-04:00

A tasty sweet treat I often forget about is meringue cookies. The ones we happened to have in the office were (4) for 110 calories, fat free and had a gram of protein. Truly not the worst caloric damage for something I find pretty delicious. It definitely curbed my sweet craving, kept me from having a sugar coffee, that's what you have to call it when you are masquerading dessert as coffee. It's called honesty Anna, honesty and sugar coffee. Meringues though are not only a good quick dessert, but they are super pretty which appeals to my inner 5 year old.

I just sort of liked them next to my beaded life pouch for snack photo composition.

Sweet Sleep

2011-08-31T12:01:00.001-04:00

I have struggled with sleep forever. When I was a toddler my Dad came home from a business trip and I greeted him the kitchen and then went back to me baby night roaming. They started locking me into my bedroom which to this day my mom insists the doctor ordered. I have my doubts. I sleep better these days and I think it has a lot to do with exercise, overall improved health and managed anxiety.

I still do not like going to bed. I still feel like I am going to miss out on something, and hate the process of quieting my mind. Whenever I am with a group of people I have to be the last to bed otherwise I have a really hard time relaxing and falling asleep. I have no idea why I feel the need to remain on high alert, maybe I was a watch dog in a former life. For a little while I was journaling before bed and that was not helping the sleep issue. It was like lighting a match to a pool of gasoline. My mind would start racing. I would think of other things to write down, sometimes feel upset having poked the emotional beast, but it did stop the night eating. I was having crazy wackadoo dreams and just wanted off the ride so I had to figure something else out.

I read somewhere that reading something funny or humor before bed helps sleep. This is hugely helping me! I modified my routine now I watch my stories with dinner, have a little journal time and then it's time for my favorite part of the evening. I curl up in bed with my ipad and laugh. I have been reading more humor slanted books before bed and it has greatly improved my falling asleep and staying asleep. I also really like yogi kava kava stress relief tea. It makes me feel pleasantly loopy and relaxed.

What are you reading? Anything good? Is everyone reading The Help? Am I literally the last person to that party? What about some sort of book related giveaway?

My summer reading list:

I have no idea why I resisted Chelsea Handler's books for so long. Genuinely funny and charming.

LOVE Laurie Notaro I was so excited when this was finally available. There are some great essays but I prefer some of her other books. I could have also been too excited for this to finally be released. Regardless she is damn funny.

I wanna be besties with Sloane.

Seriously Sloane, you're in NYC, I'm in NYC brunch?

Loved Stefanie Wilder-Taylor's books. A mix of funny and bittersweet.

Not humor but very good, a touch dark at times but really captivating.

Really loved this. Took me back to early 20's.

Giveaway Winner the Remix

2011-08-30T15:07:00.000-04:00

Sorry peeps, I am late on doing this. I did not hear from Brynn so I had to pick someone new for the Anthropologie Gift Certificate, and the winner is..... Amie!

Amie writes a really fantastic blog at http://running-on-healthy.blogspot.com/. If you have not checked it out before I highly recommend it. She was just featured on fitblogger not that long ago and I am so happy for her. She writes with humor, honesty, talking about the ins and outs of what she has faced losing 70 pounds.

Hints of Fall

2011-08-30T12:50:00.017-04:00

It's been chilly the past few mornings and it is getting me excited for fall. It's a little soon to flip over my closet from summer, but I did have hot coffee instead of iced this morning and made sure I had a scarf in my bag.

It might be too early to put away and sort through my summer clothes but it's not too early to lust after fall clothes. I looooove, love, love fall clothes. I love welcoming layers back into my life, and jackets and the crispness in the air. I love every little bit of it. Below is what I am lusting after currently.

I made the screen shot big enough to hide my messy desktop.

Storm's a Comin'

2011-08-29T12:11:00.001-04:00

Well the hurricane has come and left. It went out less as a bang and more as a whimper. Sort of bound to happen that way. The city was on lockdown, certain areas evacuated, lines outside Trader Joe's a block long, and everyone wishing one another godspeed as they went about their preparations. Had none of the prep happened we would have been walloped. Sunday I went foraging for coffee it was an odd vibe outside with people wondering around bewildered, but returning to their routines and wind gusts would remind us what all the fuss was about to begin with.

I canceled my travel plans and Friday as I made my way home it occurred to me I might need a thing or two since I was not planning to be here. I wondered the store and felt this weird deja vu I could not place at first. Then it hit me, prepping for a hurricane felt a lot like prepping for a binge. How much did I need, how long would it go on? I kept having to remind myself that was not what I was doing. I was not planning to stay home and eat all weekend I was preparing for a hurricane. It was an odd clash of my present and past. I was doing what I was supposed to for the present but it was definitely bringing up my past.

I decided to skip the hurricane parties and stay at home. I was not interested in drinking the storm away, changing out of my jammies, or putting my public face on. I just wanted to be alone. It was a conscious choice, not a I am going to hide and eat one. I watched a lot of television, chatted on the phone, fashioned a papoose if I had to escape with my dog, and then got really bored. When the storm moved in Saturday night I sat on my fire escape just listening. The city was so quiet and still. It was eerie and really calming at the same time. There are few places I would rather be then my home if ish was going to go down and sitting on my fire escape I felt that really profoundly. It felt good to be on my own but not lonely, to be dealing with the ghosts of binges past and not melting down, but most of all it was nice to not be afraid of what the next few hours might bring. It would be okay because I had what I needed where I was, pop chips and all.

luckily this was the only real damage on my block.

There Will Be Boobs

2011-08-26T17:25:00.002-04:00

Warning there are pictures of naked ladies at the bottom of this post. I went out last night to dinner with friends and then afterwards to support a friend. She was doing make up for a fashion show. The event was brought together all kinds of artists, and one of the things I first noticed walking in was the naked body painting.

Part of me wanted to do a very exaggerated eye roll to this. Really? Realllllllly?! We need naked ladies up on here to bring attention to the arts and to help artists, designers, illustrators, photographers, and more gain attention? I guess so.

What was really interesting was observing the ladies. They went in and out of feeling comfortable. What was even more interesting was when they had breaks and could mingle in the crowd, say hello to their friends, and so on they remained naked. I could neg on them because I do not know how it makes me feel but I won't. I will just say standing in a thong on a platform and letting someone paint me is not something I would ever do and struggle to understand. I do not find nudity shocking. I grew up going topless at the beach, frequently hang out naked in my own home, have no issue changing at the gym, I am far from a never nude. What I find interesting is that when you are naked and everyone is dressed that's a little different. There's been a shift and you are infinitely more vulnerable. These women were not so painted that there bodies were obscured. Their bodies were also all different and unique, they did all have amazing bums in common. It was interesting, shocking no, but thought provoking.

On a non boob related note, a hurricane's a comin'! I thought I was going to be heading to Raleigh to see an old friend and meet her bebe, but alas hurricane Irene had other plans. So this week I will have learned that earthquake tremors make me feel queasy and how to get through a hurricane. My main issue is how to fashion some sort of papoose for the dog if I have to evacuate. Wish me luck and I hope everyone has a great weekend.

I love that this woman is not struggling to breathe sucking her stomach in.

naked lady line up

Just chillin' with no top on...in a thong.

Heart Racing

2011-08-25T15:18:00.000-04:00

I recently redid my measurements and pretty much across the board they were bigger. Egon believes some of this is because of what I was wearing and building muscle mass. I say it's because I have not been totally on track and that will lead me to being bigger not smaller but appreciate him being kind. For the record I was measured work out clothes, which would be spandex pants and a tee not the parka he was sort of trying to credit me for.

The real thing that bugged me was my hips being bigger. They do not need any additional width or help. At all. I was even more annoyed to find out that my cardio had directly been contributing to building my hips! I have been doing the wave machine, and elliptical. These are hip building and conditioning. My hips are conditioned just fine. Truthfully I had suspected they were growing, but I thought it had more to do with late nights filled with burgers and vodka then my cardio routine. Egon and I re-evaluated my cardio. I realized that I do not take advantage of him enough when it comes to my routine. I tend to keep him in a strength training bubble only. It's hard for me to get out of my cardio ruts. I get very this is what I know helps me lose weight so it's what I am going to do. I know intellectually Egon runs like a gazelle and has pretty much every muscle developed, is a trainer, and knows more then me but I am seriously hard headed about listening to him. Getting to this last stage of weight loss though I have to be less hard headed and more open. What worked before does not always work now. I have had to makeover my whole work out routine and shockingly I like it! It's help me really re-engage with exercise. I have found new things to do, new things I like and it's building my confidence.

My new routine includes:

Lots and lots of kettle bell routines:

Turkish get ups, figure eights, squats, dead lifts, windmills, swings. I looooove kettle bells, I like the choreography of it. It feels really fun and I do not realize until later how much it kicked my azz until I wake up the next morning and everything hurts pleasantly.

Sprint intervals:

I run with no incline at about 6.2-7.0 mph depending on how rested and hydrated I am for at least 90 seconds if not more. Then walk with incline at least 4.0 mph for 2-3 minutes to recover. Run, walk, rinse, repeat. This will make you sweat profusely and slightly euphoric and because you have to pay attention to going between the two the time flies.

Rowing:

Row 2000 meters and you'll be shocked the muscles you feel in your arms and back. I focus on keeping my core strong, sitting up straight and really squeezing my back muscles to do the work. I am always pleasantly surprised by how hard my heart is pounding.

Jacob's Ladder:

It's climbing a ladder...yet it is so hard! I do 5-7 minutes of this just to see how much sweat I can make pour off of me and how much I can pray for something to end. It starts out all innocent and then it's like HOW IS THIS SO HARD? I do not understand the people who do it for what from my vantage point looks like a lifetime.

Obstacle course:

This is something new Egon and I have been doing. It definitely makes my heart pound, but it's also making me less self conscious. I still am self conscious sometimes about moving in public. I can run no problems, but ask me to do side shuffles, or inch worms and I feel like I am 14 and in gym again. It's been a good thing to be forced to get over.

Food is Switzerland

2011-08-24T13:40:00.000-04:00

I always make food the enemy. It's always food's fault with it's calories and fat grams. I say things like I need to be more vigilant about my choices, and make it about the food. It is so not about the food. Lately I have been more predisposed to transferring how I feel to food. It has completely become a metaphor for how I feel about my life. Last week I did an experiment. I ate what I wanted, honored my hunger fullness, super checked in when I felt the impulse to eat, and kept food neutral. When it did not feel neutral I asked why, I journal'ed about it, and generally I stayed away from a large amount of mindless and emotional eating that I have been struggling with the past few weeks. I did lose weight last week so maybe I am on to something focusing on keeping food an innocent neutral land and returning the responsibility to me. I might have had a bigger loss had I not had dinner with my brother....

I love him I really do, but I find him trying. He lives in his own fantasyland and I kept caught between thinking well what does it matter it's his life, feeling held captive by it, and wanting to shake him. I spent from 6:00pm-11:00pm with him and he did not ask me one question about myself. I find that mind boggling. We were getting together under the guise of my birthday dinner he owed me but really it was about me seeing his new apartment. I have a confession to make. I could not care less about people's homes. Especially in NYC where people tend to move a lot. I just do not find it remotely a reason why we should all have to make a pilgrimage. The more I am ordered to come out and pay homage to a place you will leave in a year the more baffled I become. My brother actually purchased his apartment so that's a little different but still it just does not interest me. To be fair some of it is because home keeping and decorating is a huge insecurity and hot button issue for me, but I also just find it bizarre because I just do not feel that way. It never occurred to me when I bought my place to summon everyone to come and look at it. Anyway back to the tale of the broski. His apartment is lovely, but his bedroom is hilarious. It's a deep red, basement room with two small windows at the top. It's a womb meets man cave. It says a lot about him in my mind. He does want to retreat and be left to his own devices.

I was doing okay not feeling too triggered by him or annoyed as we walked to dinner and enjoying his company. Then he informed me he was going to quit his job before having another one and was going to take the LSAT's....Uhm okay. So now you want to be a lawyer? I am trying to be kind and do something different and give him the benefit of the doubt that he is reacting to his work situation which has been sucky, but I am skeptical. He only sees a little of how he contributes to any given situation, knows everything, and always has everything figured out. As we proceeded to dinner and I am trying to be kind I did what I am awesome at. For real I could get a gold medal in this. I disassociated. I left my body floated amongst the trees in the Brooklyn night air and protected myself from hearing a lot of what was coming at me. My brother is a huge impetus for disassociation for me. I struggle to remain completely present in his company and instead vacate the premises. I used to think this was sort of awesome and scary just how much I could power down. When something bothers you, just retreat so far into yourself it doesn't or just step on out of your body and leave I mean what's not to love or what's the problem here? As it would turn out this is not terribly healthy or beneficial behavior it also is not hugely different from binging. It's shutting yourself off to feeling and denying feelings. Awesome. Great. I asked my therapist since I am so good at this if it could be used for good and she said, " Sure should you be in a tremendous amount of pain, or sustain an injury but when you're turning to food, drugs, alcohol, sex, shopping you name it, you've turned a corner and it is no longer good for you." Crap. The theory is I have been doing this since childhood and I would agree. I do not remember a time I did not. We're going to work on it, but back to the food. I started dinner well and I have to say the place was delicious, if you find yourself in Clinton Hill check it out. I ate my appetizer leaving about a quarter of it honoring my fullness, then I ploughed through my main, and very much looked forward to dessert. I have to admit I descended on the dessert like I had never seen one. I am not proud of my cake actions. When I got home I ate cookies despite not being hungry. Dinner had left me stirred and I wish I had the list of emotions then, but I have thought of it post. In some ways I am jealous of my brother's unapologetic selfishness and irresponsible ways. He just does not care. He does what he wants. He does pay a price but at least he does it. I get so hung up on what I should do, or what is the right thing, and other people. Part of me wishes I did care less. His fantasyland also just irritates me and makes me feel like I do not know this person it is so foreign to me the thinking.

Overall I had a good week and made some strives at work being direct and assertive without being aggressive, managing the emotional eating and checking in, and getting back on exercise track. Dinner with my brother while I did eat emotionally and check out, I learned something and I saw just how he makes me feel creates a negative behavior I am part of this dynamic. He so wants me to be a part of his life and for us to be closer and his neediness is not appealing to me. It's not the only reason I keep him at arm's length but it's one of them. My pushing away and disassociating just makes him pull harder. I have not really thought about until now how this affects the people around me and in my life and not just my eating habits. Maybe I am more selfish and similar to him then I thought.

My New 90 year old girl crush

2011-08-23T15:41:00.002-04:00

So Many Emotions

2011-08-23T14:51:00.002-04:00

My co-worker and I have a routine of speaking in a robotic voice saying emotions, and when we are overwhelmed or things are getting heated inevitably we bust out with this, sometimes we do it just because we egg one another on. Imagine a wall-e esque rendering of the word emotion, eee-mo-shun. We follow a emotion outburst typically with too many eeee-moooo-shuns...This is also our code out and about when we are overwhelmed by attractive men in my case, ladies in his.

I have always been emotional. I am capable of periods of level headed calm but often emotions take over me. I have been this way forever. Imagine my surprise learning just how limited I am at describing how I am feeling. In moving on to the next level of learning to acknowledge emotion not disassociate from it and actually process I realized I have a limited arsenal of words. I think in broad comfortable terms. Happy, sad, mad, anxious, truly the basics with some subcategories for flavor.

At therapy this week Christina gave me a list I am very excited about. It's a list of human emotions. When I am not able to pinpoint what I am feeling I am supposed to look at this list for guidance. I am excited for this to learn more emotions, and to learn new words to incorporate into my vocabulary.

Emotions Pt. 1

Emotions Pt. 2 forgive the crooked scanning please.

Food News

2011-08-22T12:26:00.000-04:00

I try to avoid processed and frozen food but I also have limited time to cook, and prepare food therefore frozen food and processed food have to happen sometimes. I like to keep something frozen on hand for those in a pinch meals. This past Friday having something on hand came in handy. Work's been crazy so I did not get home and able to move on to dinner until 10pm. This is nutso and I should have managed to get dinner earlier but the time just got away from me and before I knew it I was home and hungry at 10pm. I was thrilled to remember I had a evol burrito in the freezer. I am not a huge burrito person. I feel like they never taste of anything, or the ones that do have mountains of high fat high calories fixins that would make anything delicious, but these burritos have been getting a lot of attention lately so I was excited to try them.

A little about evol, first it's love backwards on purpose. They love food and taste. All the ingredients are GMO free, most products are at least 70% organic, they have vegetarian options, and they were not lying the two burritos I have tried were fantastic. They are tasty, filling, and have very reasonable stats. I tried the pork Friday night with 450 calories, 11 grams of fat, 19 grams of protein, 7 grams of fiber and amazingly for a frozen food 720mg of sodium. That's not terribly low, but for a frozen food it's not the worst I have seen. I would usually shy away from something with 11 grams of fat, but I have to say I was wrong. It's so satisfying, I had a little fat free greek yogurt on the side and could not have been happier. Last night I had the cilantro lime chicken and was equally thrilled with it, and thought it was actually tastier and I am a consummate pork lover. The chicken has 320 calories, 7 grams of fat, 16 grams of protein, 4 grams of fiber, and 450 mg of sodium. I added a grilled nectarine to the mix and was one content lady.

This week I also tried something new. I do plan my meals and snacks, but there is probably more free form in there then I would care to admit. I have a nutty week coming up so Sunday I took the time to actually plan it out and look at it on paper before I went grocery shopping. It was super helpful and kept me really on track in terms of what I did and did not need. It also made me look at things on paper to see where I needed variety. I love greek yogurt, but I can not eat it everyday and I am concerned about all the added sugar. This motivated me to grill some nectarines which I love and combine then with plain greek yogurt and almonds for a snack. If you keep the yogurt to 1/2 a cup, and to half a nectarine, and a few almonds broken up you're in good snack shape. I also discovered a new delicious cracker. Mary's Gone Crackers, are pretty delicious and pretty amazing for something processed. They are vegan, focus on whole food so they are minimally processed, and gluten free. The most important thing is they are delicious. I have been eating them with a babybel cheese and find it delightful.

I am trying to remind myself that being really busy, and not in my usual schedule is not an excuse for my eating to fall to crap. I am also trying to stay on top of checking in and not eating my feelings so writing out my meal plans and then doing the prep work helped me feel calmer going into a crazy week.

What are your go to need to make a meal fast helpers?

hello new friend

Only tried the caraway so far, excited for the others.

Meal planning rambling!

Choices

2011-08-19T18:30:00.001-04:00

Right now I am choosing to be positive about the uncertainty in my life. I am choosing to think things will work out and know that I can deal with what comes my way. I could choose to worry, fret, or be annoyed and angry, but I am not going to. Anger, and annoyance is safe for me. I know how to express it, sometimes I even feel empowered by it, despite genuinely being an upbeat person. I think a lot of times I thought I looked tough or strong but really I looked very foolish, out of control and probably nothing I said was heard. When I am uneasy, or need more clarity I am not thrilled always by how I act. Luckily for me someone has been put in my path that is gracious, patient, amazingly smart, and if I am articulate and patient to will clarify things for me. It's hard to be honest sometimes to someone you have just met, especially when your ego is bruised but it's harder to keep going feeling uneasy. I would rather humble myself and be honest and take a chance on getting some answers then keep riding my high horse.

I got off the high horse and instead I am seeking out the information I need to feel more settled in a way that is more assertive then aggressive. This is new for me to try to be more gently assertive and being honest, and trying on a little vulnerability for good measure. It's challenging, but I do feel better. I think more clearly and less clouded by annoyance and resentment.

I think so much about life comes down to our choices and not just good or bad, or what ifs, but how we see things. It does not have to be immediately negative or our preconceived idea. It can be a chance to grow, learn, and leave some of the stuff behind you do not like. I am choosing to embrace the changes in my life even though they make me uncomfortable, and I am excited to create more in personal life that I am excited by. It's no good when you bore yourself. No good at all.

Managing vs. Acknowledgement

2011-08-18T14:08:00.000-04:00

I've had a lot to manage. Lots of stress, vaca blues, and well just life in general. My work is in a hugely transitional state. I came back from vaca to someone being let go which was actually a positive but still unsettling. Maybe this is dumb but I spend very little time worrying I will get fired. The changes taking place at work though leave me in a weird place. We have added three new people to our team and someone has been put in place above me for me to report to. I have not really had to report to someone in 4 years. This has been good and bad. It's been great to make me learn how to oversee myself, get things done, and manage other people. It's been bad in that bad habits have taken root, and I have been left without support and protection. You can only thrive in survival mode for so long. I feel as an individual and as a company we're not thriving anymore. We've pushed it as long as we can. I am welcoming a lot of the changes and feel they are hugely necessary for our growth and in the long run will be a great thing for us as individuals and as a team. This does not mean it's not incredibly unsettling. I have felt really unsettled. I swing sometimes from feeling left out, paranoid, just plain ole annoyed to demoted, unnecessary, very excited, and looking ahead positively. It's been a roller coaster. I also have been put in the position of explain and defending a lot of how we have operated as a company. Not awesome. It makes me feel defensive because a lot of what is "wrong" was never my choice but what I had to do with what I was given. I am super lucky in the the person who has been put into place to rehab these aspects is a really great guy, who is super smart, and not judgmental. I can learn from him and I can become stronger, smarter and more experienced working with him. I have to get past a bruised ego though. Easier said then done and I am finding my way. All of this has impacted my eating.

Not a huge surprise the eating would reflect the unrest in my life. I have been aware of it and trying to manage it. I even said to her at one point I need to be more vigilant about my choices and she no it's not about the food or being vigilant about that, it's connecting to the emotion behind it. She also pointed out to me was I was managing the using of food as my outlet, but not acknowledging the emotion behind it. This was leading to the mindless eating, and even some middle of the night eating. I have not hugely suffered from that and I am certainly not looking to add it to the roster of ish to worry about. I am still learning how to process emotion and it's still amazing to me these simple things that get pointed out to me that I need to work on and address like acknowledging emotion. I assumed I was but I was not. I was dealing with the eating impulse but not what was fueling it therefore making it harder. Oh the tangled webs we weave!

I am back in therapy and super digging it so far and loving the lady I am seeing but it's probably helping and hurting me by stirring up emotions. For my appointment next week I am to think about what I want to start working on first. Where do I even begin? Body image? Self Worth? Inability to process emotion? The mind boggles at the choices. I am going to keep it simple though and think about what do I want and what do I need to achieve it? I want to be healthy and happy ultimately and I need help learning skills to be more capable of doing that on my own. I love something she said to be when I explained to her part of what had lead me there was feeling stuck. She said based on your history and what's happened to you, you were never going to be able to process and heal from it on your own. You did not get there by yourself you were not going to be able to undo it by yourself. I felt such freedom from that statement, like it's not my fault I am not healed. I told Marisa about it and she said she validated your feelings. I wonder how often we just need how we feel to be validated and that's some of what is so beneficial about therapy. At the very least who doesn't like the idea of having a carved out pocket of time to talk about themselves and their goals once a week? Not too shabby.

How do ya'll feel about emotion? Do you think you process it? Or do you have signs maybe you don't beyond eating?

2011-08-17T16:17:00.000-04:00

Is anybody using pinterest.com? I am newly in love and obsessed with it. It's the best way I have found to be able to collate your internet findings in one place. You can break things up into categories, fashion, home, art, you name it. You have to request an invite, but I requested and received mine in less then 24hours. I can not stress enough how awesome I think this is. It's like having an electronic inspiration board.

Here are mine so far:

http://pinterest.com/anna_toonk/

I won't be happy until

2011-08-16T12:26:00.000-04:00

My bracelets reach my elbows...The collection grows and I am consistently thrilled daily by it. I have had to retire a few already due to looking gross thanks to constant wearing.

Slowly But Surely

2011-08-16T11:22:00.000-04:00

I am pulling my apartment together. I fear less and less my family is going to submit me to A&E for an episode of Hoarders. Sunday I was supposed to get a massage but the masseuse was sick so I spent the day inside out of the rain a cleaning machine. I got a lot done and more importantly I did not get overwhelmed. I still set my sights super unrealistically high and think I can perform an entire apartment makeover in a few hours. I kept saying to myself while working on tasks okay you have two hours to do this can you start, and complete it within that time? Putting times on it helped and kept me from abandoning it, or getting thrown off course. I got some of the immediate concerns out of the way and now need to get back to throwing stuff out and organizing. I have a ridiculous amount of acessories. I mean truly ridonk. I came across the below on etsy and think it just might be the thing I need. It's charming, and has organization purpose. It sure beats my college system of hammering nails into the wall and putting necklaces on them.

Amazing What Not Being a Weenie Gets You

2011-08-11T17:33:00.000-04:00

I am not a big fan of going places by myself. Not a fan at all really. I get super nervous and anxiety ridden about it. All these random thoughts start going through my mind. I met a lovely girl through another friend of mine a few weeks ago. She and I hit it off and I got a message from her she was having a party and would love for me to stop by. My initial thought was oh no. I have met her once, won't know anyone there, and the friend I know her from won't be there. I felt like none of my usual social security blankets would be present. The thing is I wanted to go. I not only wanted to go, but I'd like to be friends with this girl. How do you become friends? By not being a weenie. By taking a chance. So I went to the party. I met her friends, they were lovely. I felt awkward at first, had some moments of what am I doing here, but overall I am so pleased I went. I am pleased I met some people I did not know before, I am pleased I did something outside my comfort zone, and I am glad I did it with a relatively low level of anxiety. I was nervous for sure, but I was pretty calm compared to when I have been faced with this before.

Being a little tired of what has been my norm makes it easier to break out of I think. I definitely stayed out too late on a school night but it was well worth it. It also inspired me to book a flight today to see a friend in North Carolina and a friend in LA. What am I waiting for and what are airline miles for? They are for seeing people! Having adventures and not being a weenie!

Giveaway Update

2011-08-11T12:52:00.000-04:00

Brynn if you're out there claim your anthropologie prize and start shopping! If Brynn does not by the end of next week 8/19 then I am going to pick someone new.

Vive La France

2011-08-10T15:24:00.001-04:00

Okay I am going to start with Paris. I got there bright and early Friday morning. I had to wait for my mom to arrive because she was coming from Atlanta. I got down to the important things first a latte and croissant. I barely speak French, in fact I can say a few words and can understand even fewer said back to me. I wanted an almond croissant but could not for the life of me remember how to say it. I thought the guy told me it was ham but it ended up being almond! I was off to a good start. I waited met my mom and off we went to her apartment.

My mom's apartment is ridiculous. 18th century, spacious and in a great area. I am such an idiot for not taking advantage of her real estate. Granted she rents it out pretty much year round so it's not like it sits there vacant. The great thing though is we really had no plans or agenda. We got breakfast, wandered around, got some groceries and just relaxed. I really like going back to cities I have been to before that I can just wander and not feel the pressure to do and see everything. It's a real luxury to just be able to wander and not try to cram everything in. I did spend a huge amount of time saying, why am I not here more, and thinking about how soon could I come back. I was a little food worried....I mean France in general is not exactly known for being a dieters paradise. Cheese, chocolate, wine, and other delicious things abound. It sort of is an intuitive eaters paradise though. There is no low fat anything except maybe milk and fromage frais my new obsession I need to find here. Think greek yogurt which is more like pudding. Anytime I ordered a coffee I got a square of dark chocolate and I did not even request skim milk because the cups were tiny and I did not know how to say it. I ate a lot of fresh whole food. I snacked on these plums I became obsessed with and again need to find here. I ate french bread, butter, had profiteroles one night, ate a box of truffles over the course of my trip, had wine with lunch and with dinner, and did no cardio and you know what I lost 1.5 pounds. I did not journal while I was there and I am not going to defend it. I was just plain ole lazy and did not want to do it. I did however remain very checked in being with my mom who can be a trigger for me, and being somewhere I was a little concerned would be like a food/eating free for all. Having every sort of temptation surround me made me far less interested and preoccupied by it.

One day when we were having lunch, I watched this woman eat her lunch. She had a giant plate of scrambled eggs with something on top, a small carafe of wine, a creme brulee and then a coffee all while reading her book. I loved it. I loved watching the time she took, the enjoyment, and like most people I observed she ate dessert. I like anyone who eats dessert. I loved this appreciation of food and meals. What I found really interesting is how bothered my mom was by it. My mom is slim, but not without effort. She watches what she eats, exercises, and lives wanting to lose 10 pounds. Dealing with my own issues has made me much less annoyed by hers, but also let me hear so much of her dialogue. Her body image is really poor, her assessment of other women is pretty harsh, and we will never see eye to eye. She judges a woman who eats a whole creme brulee. One night we split profiteroles and the next day she went on and on about how she needed to exercise after that and she never lets herself eat bad food and all this stuff. I just found it really tiresome and annoying. Just eat the damn profiteroles and move on. Exercise if you want but not your mouth your body. In some ways with all the talking she does I think she just likes the attention. The talking calls attention to the fact she does have a good body and while she does work at it, she never has had a weight problem except when and after being pregnant with me. Ironic no? I think it's her way of participating in the hate your body lady conversation because while my mom has never felt pretty and hates aging, she likes her body. I can tell. It was tough to separate my own issues and hers and just hear her dialogue and not personalize it. I think it has far less to do with me then I have always assumed. I think there are moments it's directed at me, but I truly believe my mom does not have a healthy relationship with food. She lives a diet mentality, lucky for her it has not had any real negative affects and it's worked out okay, but it makes it easier for me to see and accept we will never ever see eye to eye. What I am actively trying to move away from and reject she lives by. She lives by good and bad food, and a feeling of superiority denying herself. I do not want that anymore and I certainly do not want it for a lifetime. I feel like because I am overweight and she's not she just assumes she is right, healthier, or whatever then me and that annoys me. It makes me want to leap to defend myself, knowledge, process and so on, but then I remember. I do not have to, and I no longer want to.

I bit my tongue and just listened. I stayed quiet when before I might have leaped right on in and I learned. I learned more about her, and therefore about myself. I realized just because you are related it does not mean you know everything about one another. I also realized I am over taking trips with my mom, it makes me feel weird like it's all I have and it's not. It's time to grow up, plan my own vacations. To loosen how enmeshed we are. I can not move on and heal from the past I think until I do that.

Back to Paris. I just took in the beauty, the people, the fashion, the food, the attitude and I loved every second of it. I saw some friends I had not seen in a way. I remembered I grew up in Europe and I missed it. It's a part of my history and I forget that. I had plums I had never had before. Spent the night in a chateau, made friends with some curious corgis, and wandered around an amazing cemetery. We drove from Paris first down to the Loire valley and then to Villars which is in the Southwest of France.

When we finally found the Chateau we were staying in the Loire valley we dropped our things, had a brief rest and then went out looking for dinner. We had declined to dine at the chateau. We drove around, and went to town after town where every restaurant was closed. It's August and France is on vacation. We maybe should have rsvp'ed for dinner....Finally we stopped at one town and decided we would have to picnic. We went to the grocery store. I love grocery stores and drugstores anywhere. I find them very interesting, where products are placed, what's there that isn't other places, and maybe because I live in NYC where they are all tiny the space. I loved wandering around this one. We bought bread, prosciutto, cheese, fromage frais, a bottle of rose and creme de cassis for kir's, and reine claude plums that we were both obsessed with and I bought maribelle jam that I am obsessed with now. Put a spoonful of that into fromage frais and it's a party. It was one of the better meals I had. Simple, satisfying, and delicious. How can you really go wrong though with prosciutto and cheese? That's a little bit of heaven for me anywhere anytime. I have to say though I was really surprised by the supermarket a lot more processed food then I expected and, tons and tons of sweets. There were 4 aisles alone devoted to sweets which I found sort of awesome and surprising. One thing I was also struck by was the flours. There was a huge section devoted to all sorts of almond flours. I really love almond and need to look into things I could make with this. I mean an almond croissant is great and all but I can not really be having those all the time, but I bet there is something healthy I could make utilizing almonds.

The next morning we had a quick breakfast and then back on the road. We stopped in Samur for lunch. Took a lovely walk to see a giant chateau that looked more like a castle if you ask me and then kept going to Villars. My mom's friend Kevin who I have known since I was a child moved to France with his partner bought a chateau and started a B&B catering to celiacs. Check out their site, and anyone looking for a fabulous vacation in the country nearby I highly recommend it. The grounds are gorgeous, Bill who is the chef creates delicious food. He had never cooked before they started this, and took a course at the cordon bleu and learned. We went out to dinner with them to a local place in Brantome which is a small town nearby that looks like a movie set. Utterly ridiculously cute and beautiful. We had a delicious dinner and an amazing time. It was really great to see them, speak English for an evening and learn what their lives were like and had been like adjusting to this. Kevin had previously been a lawyer, and now is a hotelier always looking to expand. They both learned French and completely changed their lives. It was really inspiring. Anyone want to give it all up and start a hotel? Only half kidding.

I reluctantly left and returned to New York. I signed up for French classes and have though a lot since I got back about how life should feel a little more like a vacation does and sometimes what I am jealous of with people is that they are living. It's not the material things, but the experiences somewhere along the way I stopped doing that as much as I would like. Life can be anything you want it to be, I know that to be true but needed to be reminded of that. It can be filled with sheep, corgis and croissants if you want or not. Sunday night I was doing laundry and I ran into a neighbor of mine. She invited me to her wedding in India and you know what I just might go. I have always wanted to attend an Indian wedding, and it would also be lovely to stop by Paris on my way. I have no reason not to, and that is the life I want to be living.

A Perigord speciality I did not partake in

almond worship

I brought a jar back for myself and Marisa.

Wine. In a sport pack.

Remains of our chateau picnic.

Devon one of the corgis.

Mama is an artiste always at work.

Le sigh. Oh so pretty.

Giving up trying to wing it.

Saint Jean De Cole. Bee-yoo-ti-ful and where we ate a very large mystery meal.

The chateau had it's own chapel naturally.

The chateau we stayed in, we were in the tower to the right. Ridonk.

Memorial left at the cemetery we wandered.

The gardens at Chateau Villars. I picked our lettuce for dinner one night.

Paris Plage.

Mama's Parisian digs. No really why am I not living there?

In the town of Villars.

Saint Jean de Cole.

Walking to Ile St. Louis.

Beautiful beaded memorial left.

Touristy as can be but one of my favorite places in Paris. Right by the Louvre.

A peach I had never seen before it's dark purple inside, and plums I had not had before.

Daily kir, I miss this habit but did have one on Monday.

Just gorgeous.

And I'm Back

2011-08-08T17:44:00.000-04:00

So much to catch up on! I had a fantastic time, and I am a little blue to be back. I have a whole lot to write about, pictures to post, and everyone else's posts to read. It was so weird to not blog for a week. I did not realize how much a part of my life it had become. I did not have the most reliable internet for a few days and shock gasp I learned I can in fact live without it. I also came back to this which felt really awesome pic below. Stories and photos to come. Hope everyone is fantastic, Gen loving your new blog and experiment, D lots of breakthroughs been going on with you I'm reading, and yes nommy, Hannah on her American adventure, so much to catch up on, Samara I am dying to see pics and hear about your European adventures...

An Emmy Nomination, not one you would see on the televised awards but I'll take it.

Bon Voyage!

2011-07-27T16:24:00.000-04:00

I leave for France tomorrow! I am so excited I can not wait! I have a few days in Paris and then off to the South of France. I will take lots of pics. I also get to meet up with a high school friend in Paris. Even better she is being gracious enough to pick me up from my mom's apartment. I have a very rough working knowledge of Paris. I certainly would not trust myself to meet someone. It would probably end in tears. My goals are to relax, detach from New York, enjoy my mom's company, keep my food journal, take photos, write, swim, sleep, bike, and most importantly stay present and just enjoy.

When I get back I have an appointment with a new therapist who does a mix of art and talk therapy. I am pretty intrigued. I feel sort of relieved to be able to go away knowing I am coming back to working towards solutions. It made me feel better about the fact that my jeans were so tight this morning they were on the verge of unwearable. This is after I spilt a pair of jeans on Monday morning post washing and drying which is what I blamed the split on. Not my finest moment but a really good accountability check.

I do not want to restrict or deprive myself while in France, but I also in no way want to take a food vacation. I am struggling to check in and remain present and I want to work on this while away from some of my day to day stresses. I hope this will let me reconnect with eating mindfully. While France is known for wine, cheese, pastry and chocolate, it also has fantastic produce, organic markets, and very much centers around eating whole foods seasonally and locally. There is a lot of balance so it's a good place to be going I think. Provided I can stay away from the patisserie.

I should also mention

2011-07-25T18:48:00.000-04:00

It's like being a mermaid in a wrap.

The amazing wrap my mom got me for my bday. I barely buy scarves or wraps because my mom is seriously the undefeated queen/champion of both picking and wearing them. Until she started gifting me scarves I really did not get the point besides warmth. Now my absolute favorites are mom gifts. They are soft, and beautiful and I get to channel her effortless scarf ease. Anyway here is a picture of it. It's sea foam colored, dries van noten which I could NEVER afford but regularly lust after, ANNNNDDDD has sequins. Life does not get better. She suggested I take it on the plan to France Thursday but planes are dirty places and it deserves a much more fabu maiden voyage.

Weekend Round Up

2011-07-25T15:26:00.000-04:00

Birthday-palooza has come and gone and what a fantastic time it was. Thursday night after being taken out to lunch by my mom and crying my way through it, I went out with my co-workers and friends and had a truly great time. I guess I should talk for a second about the crying before I get to the fun stuff.

I have no idea what it's really about. I have some guesses. What it boils down to in my guessing is you can only outrun yourself and past for so long. I think I have resolved things just to encounter a new phase of them. Despite my wanting a relationship I am completely, totally, and utterly terrified of one. I also finally acknowledged I fundamentally do not believe someone will ever truly accept me. I know intellectually that is not true, but my personal history has not shown that. More then anything I want to let go of the past, and learn how to move into the present without the ghosts interrupting and discounting what I am trying to learn and move forward with the knowledge of. I am toying with the idea of returning to therapy because I think some of the work I need to do is not really within my grasp to do alone. I have avoided it for months but a lot of what I am struggling with has so much less to do with food, and weight and so much more to do with letting go. I feel until I can let go, and move on I can not move forward and I do not know how to do that. I do know staying in this place will take me down further because I will start to feel worse and worse so better to get some help and direction then stumble along wanting anything and everything to be THE solution. It so rarely is.

I am burnt out for realz. I am burnt out on my life, my work, and everything that comes with it. I think I need a vacation real bad. I also think that being burnt out makes it hard for me to get to the bottom of what is actually wrong with me. I do not feel unhappy per se. I just feel stuck. I feel incredibly stuck and apathetic. Not so good. I do not want to feel that way and feel like for the past few months I have put it down to this or that and while I think these things are a factor they are not the whole shebang. My mind obviously impacts my relationship with food and there has been some fall out. I am not really moving forward. I am sort of always teetering between healthy and what can I get away with. This is not mindful. It's trying to eat emotionally with less of a weight gain impact. I need to acknowledge this to address it and I have not been. The alcohol is not helping matters either. It's not particularly healthy and I have a hard time finding balance with it. I am constantly afraid of gaining weight and I know it's not because of irrational fears but because of my behavior and that makes me feel worse.

All of that being said, great timing for a birthday! I actually needed the boost. We went out Thursday night and my co-workers are also great friends of mine so it was a delightful time. I mean we spend a ridiculous amount of time together so it transcends the usual work boundaries. We had a lot of fun and were at the Ace Hotel which I highly recommend if you're in NYC, because besides being a great place to hang you can also order food from Breslin which is a toughie to get in to. We had Breslin burgers which were one of the nomiest burgers I've had in a while. Then we went downtown where I was treated a few dances with a smokin' hot rugby player. I got to see people I had not seen in a while, hang with people I feel lucky to work with and go out with. Overall a great time. Friday I was hurting but not dying. I crawled into work at 10:45 am not too shabby considering my head did not touch the pillow until after 3am. The not so fun part about Friday our AC was not really working and it was the hottest day on record since I don't remember but a very long time. I had dinner with my mom and brother and told my brother he would be able to spot me in the back as the hung over sweaty girl. That's me, always keeping it classy.

Saturday I went out with friends and it was good again to see some I had not seen in a while. Many friends had to beg off for a variety of reasons and I was so much less bothered by it then I would have thought. I think having had the epic Thursday birthday night I just did not care so much. I had a great birthday but at this point I was a little birthday'ed out. My friend Katie though did was she is great at and made the night special. She surprised me with a thoughtful gift of a Tocca candle which I love and cake! I was also touched by those who came because the place I choice was a little off the beaten path, sorry Brooklyners. As for the cake it was not just any cake, but a giant cupcake cake! This brought my bday gluttony to....a bacon cheeseburger, a lot of vodka sodas, cheescake brownies, a pork cutlet fried sandwich, peach pie, a brownie cupcake from Crumbs and now cupcake cake from Crumbs. I would bleed buttercream I think at this point. I feel grosser just listing it, this is the downside to accountability. I was given the remaining cake to take home and at 3am made the decision after a few forkfuls of icing it had to go. I walked out into my hallway in my nightgown at 3:30am in the morning to throw it out. I did not care if I was being noisy or found braless in a nightgown outside my apartment by my neighbors. It had to go. What's worse eating a ton in the middle of the night or another slice each day for a few days? I had to cut the calorie damage.

The party is literally over and maybe the cobwebs are clearing from my mind a little. I need to cut the mindless eating, and the emotional from feeling out of control. I can not control my life, but I can control my food and my choices. I also it would appear can throw cake out in the middle of the night in a nightgown. Who knew?

Amazing giant cupcake cake!

A Reminder in Expectations

2011-07-21T12:15:00.000-04:00

Today is my birthday. This time last year I was partying it up in Fire Island and having an epic adventure. I knew this year there was no point in trying to match it and there was no need.This year I'm at work, it's 9000 degrees outside and I've been a little blue lately. I woke up this morning to 8 text messages, 37 Facebook BD wishes, voicemails, and emails. Amazing, and the wishes keep rolling in. I knew this year I did not want to do much but to do nothing would have been a mistake. I am having lunch with my mom today and this is super cool because I never get to be with my family on my birthday. Tonight co-workers, friends and I are going out, and Saturday night a drop in with friends. One of my newer friends is driving 2 hours to make it to our post work soiree. Again, amazing. Having little expectations and just going with it is making this a lovely day. I got flowers that look like my dog, one of my co-workers made me a poster of a photo of his that gives me the giggles, and there was a cupcake on my desk when I came in. Somehow I had a normal breakfast and not the cupcake. I might just be maturing after all.

Custom poster. Lovesit.

Dumplin' as represented in the flower arts.

Blog Lovin'

2011-07-19T17:35:00.001-04:00

Follow my blog with Bloglovin

Sort of a Weird Compliment

2011-07-18T15:39:00.000-04:00

My blog's stats are some of the more pleasurable stats in my life. They generally are pretty cool and entertaining. Learning what countries read it, what links link back to it, and so on. Everyone once and a while a sort of odd url will pop up that I do not have an obvious connection to. This happened to me recently.

I had noticed childhood obesity news had been linking back to me. At first I did not see what it was and then today a new link popped up. They referenced my blog amongst others in their guide to social networking and obesity which is a multipart series. Seems cool right? Well it's sort of weird because it's written like a review of my blog and I guess putting it out there I have to be prepared for that. The article also starts with, " All over the Web, people are sharing thoughts and emotions about their unhealthful and unnatural relationship with food, and especially their realization that food addiction is real. Unfortunately, many of these confessions are long on what the afflicted are “trying” and short on any revelations about what actually works." I do not really agree with that statement at all, I also find the trying in quotes a little suspect. I think generally the blogs out there are big on the trying because THERE IS NO ONE ANSWER. That's the big secret. There is no magical pill, diet, revelation, any of it. There is help, resources, techniques to try, and behavior modifications which have to happen but there is no answer. What actually works is doing it for yourself, and having the strength to keep pushing to define what that is. For some it's calorie cycling, interval work out routines, or weight watchers. For others, it's a nutritionist, intuitive eating, and reprogramming your brain. There is no one answer and what works for everyone is different. I found it sort of odd someone trying to be a resource did not think about that or approach it from a a variety of blogs give you a variety of options to try or think about. I read a lot of blogs for that reason. Not everything works or is right for me but I learn and I am challenged by it.

As for how they found my own blog I am also a little puzzled by their take on my own blog. This sort of threw me off, " It’s kind of difficult to pick up on what FFA is actually doing without sifting through dozens of blog entries, but we do pick up hints here and there. She works out regularly at a gym with a trainer." I think what I intentionally set out for my blog to be is part of what puzzles them. I never set out to list what I ate, my stats, weight, work outs, measurements all of that. I do not do that for a very conscious reason. It's not the point it's part of it. The point is the weight is the symptom not the problem and I wanted to be freed of being obsessed with it. I wanted to reclaim who I am and my body and that does not really pertain to listing what I'm doing. I offer a place to share what I have learned, and commiserate with others going through something similar, but it's for all of us to find what works for us long term. I was sort of saddened by what was taken away. I felt like so much of what I have accomplished and discussed was totally missed and in my opinion it's what has connected me with more people and maybe been able to help or serve as more of a resource. I think my blog serves a purpose because it's true to life and supports my mission statement of resolving never to diet. Life is not a diet, it's good days, bad days, and learning to manage. There are no easy answers, solutions, or quick fixes, but should you find one make sure to link back to it. Your stats would go nutso.

Article:

http://childhoodobesitynews.com/2011/07/18/social-networking-and-obesity-part-5/

Bikini Challenge Results

2011-07-12T16:50:00.000-04:00

I knew when I entered Josie's challenge over at yumyucky.com the end result would not be a bikini...for many reasons. I am better at not putting ridiculously extreme short terms goals on myself and this was a 4 month challenge with a great message. It was about feeling more confident in a bathing suit and overall transformation, not pounds lost. I learned a lot more during this challenge then I had counted on. What did I learn? See below...

1. Challenges will not motivate you when you are struggling with motivation. You have to do it for you and continue to do it for you. Bummer I really thought a challenge would help me escape that when I was really bored with weight loss.

2. It was cool to actually sign up and do something publicly and be held accountable for it. I tend to stay in the challenge closet.

3. Life does not care you have results to report on July 1st. I had bad weeks, illness, stress, and a whole lot more thrown at me. I would get upset and then remember that's what life is. Some weeks are good, some are great, and others are a suckfest.

4. I really do like exercise. I do not need a challenge to do cardio, which is cool. I do however need the push with strength training. I like strength training but hate doing it alone. It was helpful to remind myself I do want to transform my body and strength training is what will do that. Cardio will help you lose fat but strength training will change your shape.

5. Losing weight or transforming your shape is not magic. It takes planning, hard work and dedication. I was not awesome at planning, and my dedication wavered. I took it for granted I could just kick up what I was doing a little and reap these magical rewards. Not so much. Seeing what I did accomplish in four months was cool but sobering. I do not think my results are all that great for a 4 month period and I am accountable for that.

As for the results. I did not lose as much or transform as much as I wanted to but I also did not do enough work to have miraculous results. I kept it as I have this whole time slow and steady. When I stray from that I go real crazy real quick. I get hung up on seeking perfection, seeing imperfections, unhealthy expectations, and extremes. I am achieving my results far slower then I would like, but I am doing it in a far healthier mindset then quicker would be for me. It's tough to stay focused on that and know what I want and what I need are not the same things. I need to do what keeps me balanced despite wanting to be somewhere else. I also did not know this challenge would coincide with me really dipping in weight loss and exercise steam. I am definitely in a slump and have to really spend some time examining that. Slow and steady is great, but half hearted is not and where is that line for me? Not sure just yet. Overall I lost 11 inches my body, and I gained muscle in my arms. My triceps are finally firming up which is so exciting. I did not take traditional before and after pictures because 1. it's harder then you would think, and 2. it makes me a little squirmy like I will meltdown at what I see. I did however take a full body photo of myself which I do not think I have done in a decade.

Before in Feb 2011

After July 2011