Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Well That's a Little Perplexing

Last week when I saw Marisa I was up 3.5 pounds. I was not hugely sweating it. It was the morning after the event. I had spent the evening eating little passable salt licks, or as other people know them hors d'oeuvres. I also had my fair share of vodka sodas. It was a great night. The next morning when I woke up a little worst for wear, I was also bloat-zilla. My rings were literally cutting into me. I use my rings as a bloat guide. They fit me loosely so when they are threatening to turn my fingers purple I am at risk for a sodium related heart attack. Marisa did not really buy my it's bloat explanation. I do not blame her. I mean my track record with food related honesty is not so good. For once I was confident though. Yes there had been girl scout cookies, the whole drink for the Irish cause, dinner with the girls where I ate a small country's bread supplies worth of pita bread, guiness brownies, and probably some other not so good food. I also knew I had worked out a lot, eaten everything except the girl scout cookies in moderation, and no joke my fingers were purple. This week I was down 5.5 pounds.

 I am not a big numbers girl. I just wanted to be down what I had been up. They are reference but I have to admit I did feel a sense of vindication that I was down 5.5 pounds. Marisa of course had to flag that being up 3.5 pounds the week before, and then down 5.5 pounds the next week was not a good thing. It's not. It's a big fluctuation. It's not one I plan on being in the habit of, but it was really nice that for once, my I swear it isn't me weight gain seems to have not been me. Told you it was the salt licks. 

P.S. here's some video from the event I produced!! I swear an actual post is coming about it. 

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Not Going to Lie

Being up at 6am is highly overrated. Seeing the city wake up and a peek at the sunrise is delightful but I would rather hear about it. However, it's show day! I am so nervous and excited. I probably slept a hour last night. I had every intention of an early night, but a very late coffee that was supposed to be a medium but ended up a gigantor might have hampered that.

The theater is buzzing.We're on the same stage as Avenue Q which is pretty cool. Everything is being set up, and rigged. Video content is being tested. It's so exciting. I love what I do and it's starting to look a lot like a show. Cross your fingies for me today! At 6pm the past three months of work come to an end....well sort of because then I have to wrap. Always something.
And we have picture. 

Monday, March 19, 2012

Damn You Girl Scout Cookies

I have been trucking along pretty well with the weight loss. No major losses but I have been steadily losing. I have been SUPER proud of myself despite being very stressed, short on time, and very tempted to eat my feelings I have not. There have been some not so great choices and eating moments for sure.

Today was a perfect storm of two things. The event I have been working on for almost 3 months is tomorrow. For the most part all is well in that land. Well it was until I noticed 3 videos we'll be showing had technical problems I thought we had solved. Bummer. Even bigger bummer the person I am counting on to help me was despondent about it. Not so good. This was not enough to push me over the eating edge. What all this coincided with was the arrival of girl scout cookies and LOTS of them in the office. I also had lunch about 2 hours too late despite careful planning. I inhaled tagalongs and samoas before I even knew what was happening.

Needless to say I feel a little gross and the boxes have been hidden. When in doubt have a friend hide your cookies.

I'm just a little cookie that fosters courage, confidence and character according to the side of the box. 

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

V is for Victim

I am not big on pity or labeling myself a victim. I think I take this to a negative place. Sometimes I should see I was victimized by something or someone, and let myself process it. I'm working on it. Therapy helps. It's actually a really amazing, and gratifying thing when a paid professional goes hold up, what happened? That is not okay. There are things I suspected were not okay, but I just sort of shrugged and moved on. My move on nature is a blessing and a curse. Some of this moving on, means I never really did. 

A big thing I am coming to terms with is the pattern of dishonesty in my family. It was strongly encouraged and fostered. It's not a huge shock I have struggled with being honest with myself. To others I do not. If anything I think I struggle to reign it in and not be Betty Blunt but to myself whole different thing. 

My mom was in India for her 60th birthday. Amazing right? I never told you how old she is ps. A friend who she traveled with has a pretty major drinking problem. This is not new news. It's been going on for years. It waxes and wanes, but for the most part it is always present. My mom has spoken more about how this affected her then what her experience in India was. I realized something when we were catching up, my mom plays the victim. Big time and especially when it comes to alcoholics. My father was an alcoholic. There were times it was really bad. Anytime my mom left my brother and I with my Dad alone at night from what I can remember he got really drunk. There were times I watched him fling her out of the way and get into his car and drive drunk, there were times cab drivers dropped him home drunk out of his mind, there were times I could hear him wandering the house babbling to himself obliterated, there were times he lost his license for driving under the influence, there were times he crawled into bed with me drunk at night, there were a lot of alcoholism related times. In fact when my mom was pregnant with me he wrecked his car, driving drunk and ended up in a cast up to his waist. When I was born he was found in a bar.

 I was not allowed to speak about it outside the house and we rarely spoke about it in the house. My mom would talk smack, reassure me it was wrong, I had every reason to be upset and so on but she did nothing. My Dad once in a blue moon would awkwardly say on the phone the next day before coming home sorry for last night. That would be it, no mention of what he was sorry for, or any real acknowledgement of what had happened. I have memories of this starting from about 8 years old and when he died when I was 16 he was putting away on average 1-2 bottles of wine a night. His behavior had calmed down the drinking had not. I guess he was just better at hiding it. Something she and I noticed after he died is that on some level we relaxed. We quit worrying about when the next bender would come or what he would come home like. Life with an alcoholic takes a toll, one I think you're not always aware of you just live under constantly. 

This toll I feel like mostly belongs to me. Yes, my mom had struggles, but she needs to look at why she has often found herself in relationships with alcoholics. I started to get angry with her Saturday night and I felt horrible. She's been gone a month, she brought me presents and here I am being a jerk. Monday I had therapy and telling my therapist the story I started to get mad again. She said you sound angry and I realize I am. I am angry she wants to play the victim. I was the kid she was the adult. I know leaving my father would have come with repercussions and would have been enormously difficult for my mom, but she enabled the situation. She was not a victim. She was an adult who ignored the situation. She says now she thought because she could disassociate and protect herself and cover it up she assumed we kids could. My brother has very little memory of all of this. He was usually sleeping. No idea why I got front row tickets to the show but such is life. It boggles my mind my mom could think because she an ADULT could protect herself her 8 year old could. I am trying not to judge but lawdy it's tough. Sometimes I wish she did not share her side. 

She is still and adult and still making similar choices. No one made her sign up to share a room with an alcoholic for a month, she chose to. She claims she protected herself by having a loaded ipad and ear buds. I think that's another form of disassociating and not self protection. I told her as much as well. I said actually taking care of yourself would be getting your own room, and not traveling with an alcoholic who starts drinking at 5pm, passes out by 8pm and is a zombie by day. My patience runs thin when she wants to complain and talk about how it affects her. I am not listening to this sob story. I have some theories on what it's about and why she's drawn to the dynamic, but I also know a little better now. It's not my job to fix her, or be the parent. That's her bag. I just have to recognize and process I have some feelings about what went down and while I am not jumping to wallow in the victim pool I am not going to act like it was okay. It wasn't. 

Sunday, March 4, 2012

A Lil Bit Tapped

Wowsa, the past few weeks have been completely nutso. I am working around the clock and when I am not working I am trying to fit everything else in. I am trying to be more vigilant about taking care of myself when busy. The absolute first thing to get thrown out the window is self care. I will live in chaos, eat out of boxes, and run out of clean pants so fast it still sort of shocks me. As the title suggets I am tapped. I am currently working this Sunday in my comfort hoodie and beloved yoga pants from Old Navy. I am sexy personified. Below is what I have taken away, been up to, and dealing with lately:

1. I have to prepare. This is most important in regards to snacks. If I do not have snacks on hand I am in a bad way. Raw almonds I heart you for your portability, no need for a fridge and filling ways. I have also had a snack love affair with apples, string cheese, cut up veggies with measured hummus.

2. I successfully food journaled last week! Woo hoo! Been a while since I kept a very honest and detailed account of what I am eating.

3. I like dip. A lot. Katie and I had an evening in of dip and catching up. I made this low fat buffalo chicken dip. It's delicious. Doesn't look too pretty but trust me it's good if you like this sort of thing and I do very much. It was also fun when a gust of wind almost whipped it out of my hands before almost smacking me in the face. Dinner and an adventure. I suggest if you are going to make a meal out of it a la Anna & Katie style you had another cup of chicken into it. 
Not pretty, but 100% delicious. 

4. Post dip dinner we had 2 more of my obsessions. Cherimoyas and ginger candies. Cherimoyas are delicious, tough to describe in flavor, but a word of caution...They are high in calories. If you can try to split one, or know that your fruit snack could have up to 200 calories depending on the size of it. You get a ton of nutrients, even protein in these, but it comes at a caloric cost. I want to think of fruit as a freebie snack/dessert but it's not and the sweeter the better so I have to keep that in check for me.
These are my favorites. Great for a post lunch sweet treat. 

Behold the cherimoya!

5. I bought this dress at anthro. A size smaller then I have been wearing in dresses. I may or may not have done a dance of delight in the dressing room. I also treated myself to new workout pants from the gap. I love them and my old ones were too big and I could not keep them on. I may or may not have continued wearing them to give me an excuse not to run. Sorry can't run my pants will fall down...I also treated myself to new undies from the gap, seeing as I needed them and they were 50% off that day. I have a total soft spot for their underwear. I got a nice assortment of cotton for the gym and some ridiculous neon for my personal delight. Aren't you glad you're up to date with my underwear?
Pop some leggings under this and insta adorbs. 
6. Not much cooking in my personal life honestly. The gym, yoga, life prep, and occasional social things are keeping me busy. Not much time for anything else honestly. A fella I had wrote off a while back has sort of come back around and it's interesting. I feel like we're going in reverse. We're friends already but we used to be drinking friends really. We're actually getting to know each other now. It's a nice distraction some days.

7. The writing has been so ignored the past few weeks. I have to work on that.

8. Today is my brother's birthday. He is 29 and still not speaking to me for reasons I do not know other then generalized everything wrong with me is my family's fault. I don't even know where to start with this. I want to be empathetic but I also want to smack him and tell him to grow up and take some responsibility. Maybe it's best we're not speaking. I still call and leave voicemails but nada in return. Sigh. What can you do? Patience and time I think.

9. 17 days until show! I have learned pressure is huge emotional eating hot button for me so I am learning ways to stay on top of that. Deep breathing from yoga has been a huge help. I close my eyes and breathe for a moment or two. It gives me a second to just create a little space to remain calm. I know, I know, I know deep breathing is not a new idea and everyone and their mom suggests it, but I am going to as well. It actually serves to bring your heart rate down and calm your nervous system and so when I start feeling a little cuckoo and want to self medicate, cookies, chocolate, handfuls of almonds oh my! I take a breath and get some composure. I am also gaining confidence is seeking the information I need to be at ease. Not tip toeing around things, not saying I don't want to bother them. I am a info seeking machine. It's the best way to keep my anxiety at bay about what is actually expected of me. If left open ended we're leaving it open for everyone to be disappointed.

10. My trainer is using my love of the knicks against me. He has changed my plan and we're doing a lot of different things and he is really pushing me, when I react he says, "What would Lin do, or Novak?" I sort of love it. I also like that he regularly refers to someone at my level as athletic, strong, and that I keep him on his toes because of how quickly I progress. I never thought I would hear those sort of things associated with myself and it's pretty darn cool.

How's everyone else living these days? Busy busy? Ready for Spring?