Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Squeaking By

In my efforts to stay honest and accountable I am going to make a confession I totally lucked out today at my weigh in. Marisa the lucky duck has been in Sri Lanka the past two weeks. In the past this has been a danger zone. Having a week off of the scale has not brought out the wisest decision making in me.

I am glad when she was going to be gone for two full weeks I did not lose my ish. I did however have challenging weeks. I ate a lot of peanut butter, enough to ban if from my house at the moment. There was some wine, a cupcake, and some missed work outs. I did not think I would be up but I certainly did not think I would be down. Down I was though.

I will take it, and I did learn from it. I am eating pretty intuitively these days. Some days this intuition is not so wise or worth listening to, but most days it's pretty spot on. In an effort to fight sickness because a plague has descended on NYC I am sticking to mostly nutritious whole foods. I occasionally have some junk in there and I have a special place in my heart for Russell Stover's holiday chocolates. Seriously, why is the coconut cream so delicious? I am working to define what my normal is. My normal is to make the healthiest decisions I can during the week, and have a delicious meal out 1-2 times per week, and allow for some alcohol consumption twice a week. I am aiming to stick to this and seeing what happens. It seems to be working for me so why over think it? For now it's working. I will reassess when it does not.

Sunday, January 29, 2012

Listen Repeat Listen Repeat

When I like a new song I listen to it a lot. A lot. I am really happy about ipods and my compulsive repeating being my secret. I don't just like this song because it features Kimbra. That was a bonus. The video is gorgeous, Gotye's voice swoon worthy, and Kimbra yay!

Saturday, January 28, 2012

What I'm Loving

I am a pretty happy girl lately. Things are far from perfect, but I am choosing to be happy. Below are the things that have been up'ing the happy.

1. I am LOVING the work I have been doing. It's a challenge, complex, kicking me bum, and totally awesome. The people I am working with are a delight, smart, engaged, and just unbelievable to work with. I took a risk and pulled visual reference to contribute to creative. I was a little bit nervous to do this. I was brought in to produce, work between four groups and coordinate everything for an event for roughly 450 plus people. Did I mention they have never done a live event before? Just a smidge of pressure, but I digress. One of our designers is in tough spot so to facilitate the conversation I decided to pull some reference. Pulling visual reference to help put words to ideas is my porn. I was hugely relieved when I sent it off it was well received. I came across the below which delighted me.

My paper cut obsession grows. I love Rob Ryan

Indeed, you can find it here on etsy.

2. I get to work with my friend Beth, known as Beazy to me. We get coffee together most days. If I am in a meeting during coffee time she gets me one. I think she might be the one.

3. My friend Nisa and I got mani pedis and I can not stop staring at my nails like gems.
Essie chinchilly with their luxe effects pink glitter on top. 

awkward thumb close up.

4. This sweet face when I come home and when she participates in yoga. My yoga practice includes getting a kiss when I go from plank to cobra.

5.  I rediscovered this tank shopping in my closet. Love when that happens and dug this outfit. 

6. I did measurements with Egon today and I've lost 8 inches. The most happiness inducing part was I lost three inches from my thighs and hips. I was beyond thrilled I lost 6 inches from the bits that bother me most.

7. These hot dogs.
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8. These shoes, but sadly they kill my feet. I don't think I can do it so I am giving them to a friend. 

9. A friend of mine who gives good text. He tells me to chillax. I never expect a chillax, makes me laugh every single time. 

10.  I had THE best dinner with my mom before she heads off to India for a month. She made me roasted Brussel sprouts even though she does not like them. So sweet. We had a lovely dinner and I really enjoyed her company. 

Monday, January 23, 2012

When Massages Attack

I am a huge believer in massage. I have found them hugely beneficial in helping some of my reoccurring aches and pains. I have chronic issues with my neck and shoulders that only massage and acupuncture has helped. Sunday I woke up and definitely was sore from my work out on Saturday with Egon. I moved from bed to couch and when I was getting up to get motivated to secure breakfast I did something to my back. 

The pain and weirdness was immediate. The spasms that followed not so good. I was a little freaked and feeling like I was 100 years old. I took it easy most of the day. I did some light stretching and rested. It definitely felt better by the end of the day but still not right. I decided a massage might help me out. I headed to the place across the street from my house. It's a Chinese Tui Na place, and while a little down and dirty, they hold up a towel to shield you while you change they are super cheap. I got a 90 minute massage for $70. I unfortunately also got the dude who was determined to knead every knot in my body into submission. There were times it hurt so good, and times it hurt real bad. I am not a massage newbie and have no problems speaking up and I did. A few times he said well do you have pain here, and I said yes and he said yeah it's because of this knot here that he would make me feel. Hard to argue with something like that. I have pain in both of my forearms and he explained a lot of that pain is from knots above my elbows who knew? I knew I was probably going to be sore today and I am. What I did not expect was the spectacular technicolor display of bruising. 

I am definitely a bruiser and suspect I might be anemic again. I am prone to it, but dear lord. This is out of control. He was working one knot near my collarbone and I had to stop him it just hurt too damn bad. I don't care if that particular knot is the source of every problem in my life it stays, so not worth the pain! I have not had a massage in a long time and been under stress and I SERIOUSLY underestimated the work which might need to get done. I will not go that long again. I left feeling like a new person, and my back was a lot better but geez no need to end up looking like I got a beat down. I'll be more diligent in my massages from now on not just because I like them a lot, but because I work out a lot, internalize stress, and end up with some big knots that make me not work right. No need for that. Sundays are meant for frolicking not massage beat downs. 

Exhibit A 

Exhibit B 

Saturday, January 21, 2012

What Yoga Teaches Me

I really love Olivia who I do yoga with. She is a really cool lady and I really like working with her. Her style of teaching really works for me. She often says things during my lesson I file away that I want to think about later. Two things she has said have really stuck with me and I keep coming back to and felt like sharing.

The first one came about when we were working on my breathing. She said, "Just pay attention to it, become aware but do not "fix" it." She then said, "So often we try to fix the body, we get hung up on fixing it assuming something is wrong. What we should focus on is the body knows what it is supposed to do and be we should let it reveal itself." I knew I liked this when she said it. I knew it resonated with me but I was not sure why. I always assume something is wrong. If I do not like how clothing looks it's my bodies fault, not the cut of the dress, if I feel jiggly instead of accepting my curves I curse them. When I have steered the ship in the past I have not done well. I have messed with my body, restricting food, overdoing it, letting myself get spectacularly sick not taking care of myself, I could go on but why provoke an attack of the sads. When I stop "fixing" myself and just listen to what is being presented to me I make far better decisions. The body does know. When I feel under the weather maybe I should skip a workout, drink tea, and go to bed early. When I feel stressed out and want to eat some chocolate maybe I should just close my eyes and take a few deep breaths which actually lower my blood pressure instead of eating chocolate which does nothing but make me want more. I think more then anything there is nothing wrong with my body it's a part of me but not me and in strengthening my body image maybe I should think more about allowing it to reveal then be fixed.

Now, this little gem is completely brilliant and I really appreciate Olivia bringing it into my vocabulary and thinking. When I do forward fold, she gives me physical guidance weight shifted forward, grab opposite elbows and then she reminds me let go, and this is the brilliant gem, "let go of anything that does not serve you, reserve judgment, just let go of anything that does not serve you, think of it spilling out of the crown of your head letting go." I can not tell you enough how much I love this, but I am going to try. I want things to be good or bad. I want a clear picture to inform my decision making. This rarely happens and not just that it makes me lose sight of what I want. I had dinner with a friend and was telling him about the RGC situation and he sort of dolled out some hard truths. He was saying this isn't anything. He isn't making effort you have not seen him, you're hung up on a ghost. Now to his defense I think some other things were fueling his tough love, and I told him I'm not hung up I am filling you in on what's going on. Anyway I thought a lot about what he said and being hung up on a ghost. There is some truth to this. As I get to know RGC better through text and phone calls I see the person I met is not really who he is. I was attracted to his confidence and he's not really a confident person. He had a confident night or two. In thinking about this I wanted to sort of file away into not a huge pressing concern requiring my attention. I do not really have a situation to make a decision about you know? Well I sort of do because this does require time, energy, and attention. What I asked myself and find myself asking myself more is, how does this situation serve me or does it serve me? Well it feeds my ego a little bit, but I am not really looking to feed my ego this way and I am certainly not looking to serve it male attention. That is a dangerous slippery slope. Besides not looking to feed my ego, I am not looking for a digital pen pal. I want to date a guy. A guy who is not afraid to get past his nonsense and hang out with me. This situation regardless of the whys, the whats and what have you is not serving me. Now what to do about it...maybe Olivia will have the answer at next week's yoga lesson.

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Where to Begin

I feel like I have not written in 100 years. It really has not been close to that now has it. I have very little brain power so I am going to punk out a little and do a list-esque recap of where I'm at. Bear with me peeps and know I hold you here, points to heart.

1. The job is cuckoo crazy but AMAZING. The people are so nice and lovely. I am feeling confident enough to start seizing control. I get to also work with this design company that BLOWS my mind.

2. RGC has popped back on the radar with a vengeance. He's pretty cool. If our schedules would coordinate so we could actually hang out that would be great. We speak daily which is lovely and I feel like we're getting to know each other.

3. I have been slacking across the board on the writing, but have a meeting/dinner with the writing partner I am very much excited about. He's also such a love and become such a good friend anytime we get together is a good one. He has become completely obsessed with Downtown Abbey so I feel like he is going to pitch changing our series to a period drama.

4. Eating wise I am doing pretty good. There was an incident with some candy. I went to a baby shower on Saturday. A baby shower that I thought was never going to end. Not in a bad way just not your traditional shower. Anyway I got a plate full of dessert and a piece of cake, and I did not eat it all. I had bites of everything I wanted and did not finish it. I do not think I have ever not finished a dessert in my life. They had a candy bar as a favor/take away and I of course prepared a moderate bag. It lasted 3 days in my house which I think is a HUGE victory.

5. Working out I am getting it in. Adjusting to my new schedule and total exhaustion it's tough to get every workout in but I am getting far more in then skipping.

6. LOVING yoga being a part of my life again. I had to skip this week and totally missed it. Been doing a smidge on my own, and being a lot better about my breathing overall.

7. I feel really good about my body. I feel confident, comfortable, and I am going to ride this wave for as long as it lasts and not tell myself negative or crappy things to burst my own bubble.

8. I have been battling colds, and general sickness for two weeks and finally feel better but it has made me be a lot better about putting whole real nutritious food into my body. I have also been really on my green juice game. Yes, there was the candy incident but other then that it's been lean protein, reduced dairy, fruits, vegetables, and whole grains.

9.  My TV and DVR miss me and oh how I miss them.

10.  Samara is THE BESTEST for sending me The Hunger Games so I can get on board that train. Now to find the time to read it. She is also the best for indulging my obsession with the show Revenge, and rambling long emails.

I hope everyone is happy, healthy and warm 'cause I know it's finally winter here! I have to retire my flats soon because socks are pretty much a must these days.

Thursday, January 12, 2012

A little Advice

I came across this today and thought while super simplified thought it was awesome.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Oatmeal Brain

Captain's log Day 3...I am exhausted but it's a really great tired. The people I am working with could not be nicer. For realz. They are like Russian dolls of niceness, they just get nicer and nicer. I have so much to do and so much responsibility on me, and so much to wrap my mind around, but it feels really good. It's definitely been a long three days so far. It did not help that last night I basically had wine for dinner. Not a great choice on my part, but one of my new boss ladies asked me to get drinks and honestly I definitely wanted a glass of wine. A glass. I had three. Not wise.

It feels really good to be working with a team. I definitely miss having some of the independence I had before, but I am still pretty independent. No one is asking what I am up to, cares when I come in or leave, and that is sort of weird. I want someone to check in with, but I am sort of responsible to everyone. I am the person in the middle of several teams making sure everyone is communicating, getting what they need, and all the work associated is being done. It's a lot, but it's kind of cool I just get to do it and move forward.

I definitely have a better sense of how I need to protect myself health wise though. I need to be better arm myself with snacks. Yesterday I had a donut. While delicious, a jelly donut was not a great afternoon snack. Now I am off to watch lots of bad television because it's all my brain can handle.

Sunday, January 8, 2012

Liar Liar Pants on Fire

You know when you keep telling yourself this doesn't bother me or freak me out? Maybe you can get away with it. I can't. My body always starts some sort of ruckus to say yes you do. It started last night. A little anxiety, a few racing thoughts, but nothing too bad. I went off to sleep.

My body's most obnoxious way of getting my attention is anxiety sweats. I give it some credit though because it definitely gets my attention. This morning I got the sweats and the thoughts broke through my Sunday sleepiness. This is unusual. I usually get a few minutes of thinking my dog's snoring is really funny, or I really should put all my laundry away before any real thoughts begin. What is this all about? I start a new job tomorrow and I am fighting a cold. A cold which is determined to win, which compounds my anxiety.

I met with people on Friday and felt pretty good about the whole situation. I was excited and ready to dive on back in. I was definitely inundated with information, details, tasks, people, and so on and felt really happy I had the weekend to digest. This morning, Sunday knowing tomorrow is Monday and it all begins I feel a little different. Straight up I'm a little scared. I hate being the new girl. I hate not knowing how to get what I need to get done done. I hate asking others for help. I hate not knowing the lay of the land. I hate morning sweats. So what do I do about it. I just got to breathe, as much as this cold will allow, and roll with it. How do freelancers do this all the time?! Do they have IV drips of xanax? Lemme know peeps.

At the end of the day I am booked on this job until Mid-March. That's not very long really and lets face it homegirl needs to get back into gear. I have been doing little jobs here and there, but nothing which really pushed me out of my comfort zone. Do you have to be pushed?  I happen to think so if you want to grow and I have avoided this. Actually doing something outside my comfort zone is forcing me to figure out what that growth is. I still am not sure, but I do know this dilly dallying around is definitely not helping me find any answers or feel more capable. I try to remind myself that I am not so unusual that what I forget is that change is uncomfortable. I will focus on that for now, and take a shower.

Anybody got any good/bad starting a new job stories for me?

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Can't Stop Listening and Shaking To This

I am a big fan of the Black Keys. Their last album Brothers was frequently being played on my ipod. I just got their new album and would love to listen to it, but I can't because I just keep repeating this song. It makes me shimmy and shake like few other songs have lately. Have a listen, and enjoy this gentleman's moves. I did.

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Middle Ground

The middle is weird to me. I swing between extremes. This is everywhere. I sleep on the far left of my bed, I like the treadmill to the far right, and I do not like to ever sit in the middle, even if Delta now charges $29 for a window or aisle seat....but I digress. This preference for extremes also trickles into my emotions. It's really hard to just sit in the middle because I am not sure if I am doing anything. When I am on the left or right then I know I'm somewhere. The middle not so much. 

Clearly this is something I need to keep working at because it crops up everywhere. I am seeing this in dating, yoga, eating, working. I want to be one place or another, not just hanging out. In yoga if I need to move my leg a fraction of an inch I want to move it a foot, in dating if I need to just sit tight I want my phone taken away from me to save me from myself, post eating a tremendous amount of brie I want to go vegan, sometimes these extremes make me oh so tired.  The big thing to learn is the middle is really hard because you just have to sit with it. I have never been so good at just sitting with it. This is not new information. Learning to just sit with it and not self medicate has been quite the constant theme. I would be fine with sitting with it if it did not make me want to crawl out of my skin. 

I think what is new is my being able to recognize this is not just an eating thing, it's a life thing. It's something I have to learn how to make some sort of peace with so it does not make me make poor decisions or eat late night bowls of oatmeal. Yeah, that happened. So my question is any middle dwellers out there? If so please share your tips for sitting with it so I don't continue to intensify my holiday carb bloat or run wild through the streets.